Chapter Four

Looking down at the black circle around my finger is a mind fuck, but it"s my life, and going forward this is precisely what all of it is about. If I want to keep the memory of my parents alive, this is a stipulation, one I don't love, but sometimes life is about doing what we have to do in order to survive.

I learned that very early in life. As a six-year-old who had so many questions, and zero answers.

"Your grandfather will be here in a few minutes. You"ll be living with him." The woman I had never seen before I woke up in the hospital tells me. I still don"t necessarily understand it. They told me that I"ll never be able to see my parents again. That they went to sleep and they"re never going to wake up.

"Are you sure my parents are never going to wake up?" I question, trying to stand, but having problems because of the thing on my leg. It"s a cast, and I have to wear it for most of the summer, at least that's what the doctor told me before I left the hospital. All I wanted was to go swimming, and now they"re saying I won"t be able to swim, won"t be able to see my parents, and I just don"t know what"s happening.

"I"m sure. I"m sorry, honey. They"ll always be right here." She points to my chest, where my heart is pounding.

I don"t know what this means, just like I don"t know what anything else means. "Okay," I answer, because I don"t know what else to say. My head and leg hurt. I just want to go home and play with my toys, get my mom to make me my favorite cereal. "Can I have some frosted flakes?" I whisper.

"No, your grandfather just got here. You"re going to go with him. Remember us talking about that?"

I do, but we"re not close. I don"t want to go home with him. "Can"t I go to Barrett's or Abel"s?"

"I don"t know who that is, honey, but you"ve got to go with your grandfather. You"re going to be fine."

A darkness comes over me. When I look up, I see my grandfather. "Grandpa..." I get up and hobble over, putting my arms around his knees. Digging my head there, I hold on tight. "I want my mom and dad," I cry, my bottom lip trembling, tears leaking from my eyes. "Please take me to them."

He reaches down, tilting my chin up. "You"re a Hamilton, and Hamiltons don"t cry, Jasper. They firm up that bottom lip and make the world their bitch. We don"t show emotion, and I won"t tolerate it from this moment going forward. Stop crying, now. You"re stronger than that."

Little did I know how strong I"d have to be in that house and under his thumb.

"I"m glad you see things my way." My grandfather smiles around the cigar filling his mouth. He"s got it pinched between his teeth. It"s his favorite way to smoke. There have been a million times where I"ve wanted to shove that cigar down his throat, but never as much as I want to right this minute.

"I don"t have any other choice, Tom, and you know it. So I"m gonna play by the rules, but it doesn"t mean I have to like it. You could've easily decided to let it go. You didn't have to execute anything other than what would make me happy from the will my parent's left. I doubt they ever thought they'd die when I was a child. I repeat I don't have to like it."

He smirks, the way his lips curl so smug. "Should"ve had your parents make that a stipulation in their will. Wish I"d have thought about it."

I tilt my head to the side, looking down on him. I"m taller, and I know it pisses him off that I don"t have to look up to him. "You didn"t. Is there anything else you need from me? I have to get to work." I nod toward the marriage license I"ve pushed across his desk. "I expect everything will remain status quo for The Hamilton Foundation?"

"It will," he confirms. "As soon as I authenticate this marriage license. At that time, you have two years to get her pregnant. Better hope you can get it up for her, Jasper. There will be a few appearances I"ll need you to make, but for the most part, you"re on your own, kid."

I ignore him as best I can. I have work to do, and I don"t want to go in with a bad mood weighing me down. "What I do with my wife doesn"t concern you, and let"s face it - I"ve always been on my own."

"It does until you give me an heir that will keep the family name going. Whether you want that to be true or not, Jasper, it is."

God, his smug smile is enough to make me want to knock him the fuck out. However, I realize that doing that will not help my situation at all. Giving him a wave, I turn on my heel and head toward the front door. I"m imagining my boots leaving a trail of rocks and dust behind me as I walk over the pristine floor. Fuck it, I hope it gets scratched.

When I leave, I don't look back, but only down. To see if you can see where I"ve walked. You can, and fuck if I"m not living for it. Might make me petty, but he"s the one who threw this curveball, and I"ll play by the rules, bending them as much as I can. Striding out to my truck, I hop in. For a moment, I sat there in the driver"s seat, wondering how different my life would be right now if my parents hadn"t died, or if I had. If I"d feel more loved, more content, and less like I"m a stranger living in my own home.

Starting the truck, I put it in gear and spin the tires as I leave. Hopefully, I left tire tracks on the drive. Regardless, it made me feel better. Cranking the radio up as a hard rock song starts playing, I drum my thumb on the steering wheel, letting the bass and drums flow through my body. As I come to a stop at a red light, I reach over, grabbing a cigarette from the pack I keep for emergencies, such as this one. It"s been years since I smoked regularly, and these motherfuckers taste awful, but I need something to calm down the pounding in my blood. The drag I take has that effect, and for the first time since I drove in the direction of my grandfather"s house this morning, I feel calm.

Not at peace - I"m not sure I"ll ever feel that way again, but I"m at least calm.

The light turns green, and as I head to the job site on the highway, I hope like fuck this turns out to be a better day than how it started.

I"m at the work site in less than thirty minutes, where I pull up and park next to Weston. He"s layering up since it"s cold today. He"s stepping into a pair of coveralls. When I get out and stand next to him, I grab my own pair of coveralls and start stepping into them. Although he's been my friend since I was little, I know he's not going to give me a pass on the wedding.

"I still can"t believe you got married." His breath comes out in puffs of white smoke. "It"s one of the most surprising things that"s ever happened to us as a friend group."

I shrug, as if I don"t care. "There are important things in life. I realized pretty quickly that if they mean something to you, you"ll do anything to make them work. The Hamilton Foundation is the most important thing to me, because it"s the legacy of my parents. It"s the only thing I have to hang onto. If that"s gone, what the fuck else do I have to live for?"

Weston glances over at me, his light eyes bright. "You have us, Jasper. We may not keep your bed warm at night, but our friend group cares about you, for you. We"ve never cared about the money your grandaddy has, or what he could give us. Although he liked to pretend we did. Don"t you know we"d all go to war for you? You"re never going to be alone."

I know that, I really do, but I need more. I have to know I"ve fought. That I"ve not let him win the grand scheme of things. "Whether I"m alone or not, it doesn"t matter. What I refuse is to allow him to take that pride away from me. Refuse."

Weston gives me a sad smile. "I won"t pretend to understand, because I don"t, but if you ever need to talk, know that I"m here."

"I do know that. Right now, it just isn"t about me talking. It"s about me trying to understand why the one person who was supposed to love me gets off on doing this type of shit." It"s not often I let those thoughts out into the ether.

Weston doesn"t say anything else. Instead, he claps his hand on my shoulder. "C"mon, let"s get to work. Blow off some of that annoyance by breaking up asphalt."

We"re patching up roads that have been beaten up for the last few weeks, before this next weather system comes in, and we"ll have to clear out as many potholes as we can. Digging out the loose materials is my favorite thing. It"s hard, it"s strenuous, and I always sleep well on nights after we perform this duty. I"m ready to do some mindless work. Forget about all the other bullshit that in the end won"t even matter.