17. Jamie

17

JAMIE

“Are we meeting up with Andy tonight?” I asked Isaac as he came into the living room.

It was Friday night, and we’d made plans to go out and do something but hadn’t nailed down exactly what we wanted to do.

Andy had texted earlier that day to see if we wanted to hit the club with him and the guys, but I wasn’t really feeling clubbing tonight. Hopefully Isaac wasn’t either.

“Andy?” he asked, blinking at me like I’d startled him out of some sort of daze.

“What’s wrong?” I sat up and looked at him more carefully. Something was up with him. His cheeks were flushed and his posture was stiff, like he was on high alert and waiting for someone to attack him.

“Nothing. I’m fine.” He flashed me a smile. “Sorry, you were asking about Andy?”

“Are we meeting up with him and the guys tonight?” I wiggled my phone. “He said they’re hitting Prism later.”

“How about we go for a drink, just us?” he suggested. “I’m not really in the mood to go clubbing or deal with whatever craziness ensues.”

“Honestly, I’m not either. A drink sounds good.” I opened my texts to let Andy know we’d meet up with him another time.

When I was done, I slipped my phone in my pocket and stood. “Ready to go?”

Isaac nodded and motioned to the door. “Lead the way.”

“Are you sure you’re okay?” I asked. “You seem off.”

“All good,” he assured me. “Where do you want to go?”

“Not sure.” I held the door open for him. “We could hit Mac’s,” I said, mentioning a nearby bar we usually went to when we wanted a break from the clubs or parties. “Or try somewhere new.”

“How about we try somewhere new?” He locked the door behind us. “Jesse told me about this bar he and Bas like to go to. He said it’s got a chill vibe, and they have live music most nights. Could be fun.”

“That sounds good. Is it close?” I asked as we headed to the stairs.

“Not too far. I’ll drive.”

I snuck a glance at Isaac as we walked down the stairs. He was so tense his gait was stiff, and he was having trouble keeping eye contact with me.

Something was wrong, but I didn’t want to badger him if he said he was fine. That was the best way to get him to clam up and make everything worse.

Hopefully whatever was going on would get better once we were out and having some fun.

“Do you recognize this song?” I asked Isaac, leaning close so he could hear me over the band.

He shook his head. “I think it’s supposed to be Billy Joel?”

“Really? Because I was thinking Neil Diamond.”

Isaac lifted his drink and snickered. “We’re definitely not the target audience for this group.”

He wasn’t wrong. The bar was filled with a mostly older crowd. I’d only recognized a handful of the songs the band had played so far, and those had been old classics my parents used to play when I was a kid.

The music might not be our usual fare, but the vibe was chill, and it was fun to try something different.

And it was really nice getting to spend some time alone with Isaac outside the apartment.

I enjoyed hanging out with our friends, and I was an extrovert by nature, but I was getting bored with always going to bars or clubs or parties. I still liked doing all those things, but they didn’t have the same appeal as they did a few months ago.

“You know what would be fun?” Isaac asked, putting his empty glass down.

“What?”

“We should check out an open mic night at this bar I used to go to when I was at Rutherford. They host them every weekend. The bar is legendary for being a hotspot for finding new talent, and the acts have to audition to get a time slot. I’m not sure what it’s like now, but they used to have dozens of groups show up every week, hoping to snag one of the spots. The talent was always insanely good.”

“That sounds awesome. Did you go there a lot?”

Isaac didn’t talk about his time at college much. We’d bonded over our shared experience as student athletes, and he’d told me all about playing for the school’s hockey team, but he was tight-lipped about everything else.

I figured it was because of what happened and having to leave school, and hockey, at the end of his second year. It had to be painful to think about what he’d lost because of the brain injury that had ended his career.

Unlike me, Isaac had the talent to make it to the NHL. I’d gone to school on the East Coast, so we’d played in different conferences, but I’d watched his tapes after we’d met, and I had no doubt he would have been drafted after grad if he’d been able to keep playing.

I was good, and I’d worked my ass off to get a scholarship to a D1 school, but I’d never had any delusions that I was good enough to go pro. I might have had a shot at the AHL if my team hadn’t completely fucked up our championship run in my senior year, but that was about it.

I didn’t blame him for not wanting to talk about such a painful part of his life, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t curious about it.

“All the time,” he said. “My teammate’s girlfriend worked there and would always give us a heads up if the lineup was looking especially good. It was a nice break from the party scene.”

“I used to do that too, take a break from the party scene.” I ran my finger over the rim of my glass. “There was this bar near our practice rink that did comedy nights a few times a week. My buddies and I used to go there after rough games or practices. It’s hard to stay bitter when you’re busting a gut laughing.”

“That’s a good trick. I wished I’d thought of that back in the day. We should see if any clubs do comedy nights around here.”

“Yeah, that would be fun. Have you ever been to a drag show? Those are a blast.”

“A few, but not since I was in school. We should add that to our list too.”

“Definitely.”

The unknown song the band was playing finally ended, and we paused our conversation to clap along with the audience.

Isaac nodded to my glass when the singer started a long-winded introduction to their next song, diving into a story about when he was in high school and how it was the first song he’d ever performed live. “Do you want another drink?”

“Are you having one?” I wasn’t really in the mood to stick around, but I would if Isaac wanted to.

He’d loosened up since we sat down, but he was still distracted by something, and my imagination was running rampant with what-ifs and trying to nail down what was bothering him without directly asking.

If sitting here and listening to music that came out long before we were even born helped him relax, then I’d stay here all night.

He shook his head. “But I can have a soda if you want one.”

“We can head out. The music isn’t really hitting, and I’m not in the mood to drink.”

“I’ll get the check and meet you outside?” he asked.

Normally I would have suggested we split the bill, but my finances were about to take a hit now that my hours had been cut, and I didn’t have a lot of disposable income to begin with, so his offer to pay was appreciated.

While Isaac went to settle our tab, I headed outside and waited for him near the entrance.

It was a nice night, but I was too distracted to enjoy it.

Something was up with him and had been since he came out of his room before we’d left.

It wasn’t anything obvious or even overt, but I knew him well enough to see the signs that something was wrong. His smiles weren’t as bright, he’d lost his train of thought more than once throughout the night, and he couldn’t sit still. He fidgeted like a champ on the best of days, but it was way worse than usual tonight.

Was he trying to find a way to end things between us?

I couldn’t quite put my finger on what, but something had been off all week, ever since my meeting. I’d thought it was just the stress from all my work drama, but that didn’t explain why things were so bad tonight.

What if he was done with whatever we had going on and was trying to tell me it was over and he just wanted to be friends again?

That thought terrified me more than I wanted to admit.

How was I supposed to go back to just being Isaac’s friend after everything we’d shared? How was I supposed to live in the same apartment with him if I couldn’t kiss him anymore? Couldn’t touch him?

How was I supposed to give him up now that I knew just how incredible it was to have all of him?

With a defeated sigh, I let my head fall back against the brick wall of the building.

I’d done the one thing I promised myself I wouldn’t do when we started messing around.

I fell for him. And I’d fallen hard.

I’d always loved Isaac, but now I was in love with him, and I didn’t know if I could stop. Or even how to stop.

“Ready?”

I jumped at Isaac’s voice. “Yes!”

He shot me a strange look. “Are you okay?”

“Fine. I was just thinking about something.”

“Work?”

“Yeah,” I lied. “Ready to head home, or do you want to do something else?”

“We can go somewhere else for a bit if you want. Is there something you want to do?” he asked, the tightness in his eyes betraying that he wasn’t into the idea.

“Not really,” I said, grateful he was giving me an out. “Home?”

He nodded and pulled his keys out of his pocket.

Silently, I fell into step beside him as we walked toward the parking lot, trying to calm the fuck down before I started panicking about Isaac’s strange mood.

I didn’t know what was causing it or if it had anything to do with us, or maybe just me. I needed to stop making assumptions about what could be wrong. Otherwise I’d ruin what was left of our night by freaking out over stuff that may or may not happen.

It would destroy me if he decided he just wanted to be friends again, but I’d figure out how to deal with it and go back to the way things used to be.

Isaac and I were fine, and we would always be fine. I’d make sure of that.

I closed the door behind us and flipped the lock. Isaac walked a few steps into the apartment, then stopped and let out a loaded sigh.

The drive home from the bar had been mostly silent, and Isaac’s distraction had been painfully obvious. The few times I’d tried to engage him in conversation, he’d sort of grunted one-word answers at me.

And he couldn’t stop shifting in his seat and fidgeting. He only got like this when something was wrong, and the silent treatment meant something was really wrong.

“Jamie—” he started, turning around to face me, his face tight and his posture stiff.

I braced for whatever he was about to say.

He must have seen my expression change because he paused. “Jamie? Are you okay?” he asked.

“I don’t know,” I let out a weird-sounding laugh. “You tell me.”

“I—I’m not following.” His forehead wrinkled in confusion.

“Are you breaking up with me?” I blurted.

“What?” His eyes rounded comically.

“Are you breaking up with me?” I paused. “Or ending things? Can you break up with someone you’re not technically dating?” I shook my head. “Never mind. But are you?”

“No.” Isaac strode toward me, closing the distance between us, and gripped my upper arms in his strong hands. “Breathe, Jamie.”

I exhaled and sucked in a deep breath, my body obeying him before I’d even realized I’d held my breath in the first place.

“No. I’m not ending things or breaking up with you or anything like that.” He squeezed my arms. “Where is this coming from?” His eyes widened again. “Do you want to break up with me?”

“No,” I said quickly. “But you’ve been so weird tonight. Something is wrong. I can tell. I didn’t want to push you because I know how much you hate that, but?—”

Isaac cut me off with a sweet kiss.

I felt marginally calmer when he pulled away.

“I’m sorry, Jamie.” He rubbed my arms.

“Why are you sorry?”

“Because I was trying to do something but failed epically and almost fucked everything up.”

I opened and closed my mouth a few times. “Huh?”

He dropped his hands from my arms, two spots of color painting his already flushed cheeks.

Was Isaac blushing? I couldn’t remember the last time he’d blushed like that. Isaac was fearless, and the most confident person I’d ever met. What the hell was going on?

“So, I…uh, was trying to…um. This was…” he babbled.

“Z?”

He rubbed the back of his neck, then raked his hand through his hair. “I’m sorry.”

“Why do you keep apologizing?”

“Because I’m screwing everything up.”

“What are you screwing up?” I asked, trying to follow the conversation. “I’m gonna need some context here, Z.”

“Tonight was a date,” he blurted.

A weird sort of silence descended on me, like I’d gone temporarily deaf, then lifted a few seconds later.

“What?” I croaked.

He searched my face, his eyes bright with something I couldn’t read.

“A date?” I asked.

He nodded grimly. “I think it’s fair to say I suck at romance.”

“We’ll circle back to that in a second,” I said, still reeling from his announcement. “This was a date?”

“Yeah. Or at least it was supposed to be.” He shot me an apologetic look. “I’m sorry?—”

“Stop apologizing. You didn’t do anything wrong,” I said, some of my faculties coming back.

“I made you freak out and think I was trying to break up with you when I was trying to find a way to tell you that I want us to be boyfriends. I’d say that warrants an apology.”

“You want to be boyfriends?” I asked, shock and relief sweeping through me in equal measure.

Isaac didn’t want to break up with me. Now that I knew that for sure, I could finally concentrate on this messy and confusing conversation.

He blew out another breath and closed his eyes. “I had a whole thing prepared, but I can’t think straight, and I’m fucking it up.”

“Z.” I gripped his arms and gave them a squeeze. “You’re not fucking anything up. But I might fuck you up if you don’t explain the whole being boyfriends thing. Just saying.”

He huffed out a strained laugh. “That wasn’t how I was planning on saying it, any of this.”

I took his hands in mine and stroked my thumbs over the soft skin on the backs of them, giving him a chance to gather his thoughts.

“But I’ve been doing some thinking.” He squeezed my hands gently. “And I don’t want to give this up. I can’t.” He dragged his teeth over his bottom lip. “I don’t know what I am—if I’m bi or bi-curious or even just Jamiesexual.”

I bit my inner cheek but couldn’t stop my smile.

“And I realized it doesn’t matter. I don’t need to label this—or myself. I want you, and I want to be with you. But I don’t want it to be like this. I’m tired of hiding how I feel about you when we’re around other people. I hate having to pretend like we’re just friends outside the apartment, and I hate that I spend all my time worrying about what people will think if I touch you or look at you too long or, god forbid, kiss you.”

He paused and blew out another shaky breath. “What I’m trying to say is that I want to be with you properly, and anyone who has issues with it can take a long walk off a short pier.”

“A long walk off a short pier?” I teased.

He shrugged, his lips curling up in a smile. “Or fuck themselves with a cactus, whichever they prefer.”

I laughed and squeezed his hands so tight my fingers cracked, joy and elation filling me and spinning out into every part of my being.

“That was a really long-winded way of saying you love me,” I teased.

“Shut up,” he said on a chuckle, yanking me against him hard enough our chests crashed together. “I’m trying to be romantic here.”

“Z?” I pressed a soft kiss against his lips.

“Hmmmm?” he asked when I pulled back.

“I love you. I want to be boyfriends too.”

His smile was so wide and bright it made my heart do a skittering beat.

I wanted to see that smile every day for the rest of our lives, but more than that, I wanted to be the reason he smiled like that.

“Isn’t this the part where you say something?” I prompted with a smile.

“Right!” He huffed out another little laugh, his eyes alight with happiness and humor. “I mean, I thought all that babbling was crystal clear myself, but if you need me to spell it out for you…”

“Spell it out for me, asshole.” I wrapped my arms around his waist and hugged him tight.

Our faces were only inches apart, and I had to stop myself from kissing him and forgetting all about talking.

“I’m so in love with you, Jamie,” he said, as serious as I’d ever seen him. “It scares me how much I love you. I never thought I’d love anyone, didn’t think I was even capable of it, but you’re…you’re everything.”

I covered his mouth with mine and slotted our lips together, needing to kiss him.

He kissed me back but wrenched his mouth from mine a moment later. “Wait, there’s one more thing I need to say.”

“What’s that?”

“We don’t have to tell anyone if you don’t want. I know I made a big deal about not wanting to hide it, but I’d never force you to come out before you're ready. I?—”

I cut him off with a quick kiss. “I want to tell everyone.”

“Yeah?” His voice was soft, almost seeking.

Isaac might be the most confident and secure person I knew, but he still needed assurances and to know that he was just as important to me as I was to him.

“Yes. I love you, Z. I don’t even know when it happened or if I’ve been in love with you all along and just didn’t realize it. But I do, and that’s all that matters to me.”

His smile warmed my chest and made my heart beat faster.

“I wasn’t looking for this, didn’t think I wanted it, but now that I’ve had a taste of you, I’m never letting go.”

“Never?” He arched his eyebrow teasingly.

“Nope. You’re stuck with me. No backsies.”

Chuckling softly, he ran his hands over my back in slow, lazy circles. “I have a confession. Well, actually, two confessions.”

“What?”

“Everyone at work knows about us.”

“They do?” I wasn’t sure how I felt about that. It made it easier because we wouldn’t have to tell them, but it also showed just how much we sucked at keeping things secret.

“Yeah. Asa figured it out first.”

I already knew that. Asa was incredibly observant and smart. It was damn hard to get anything over on him.

“But everyone else figured it out too. Apparently I suck at hiding things.”

“Are you okay with that?” I asked.

“Yeah. But that’s not the only thing. I kinda told my dad about us.”

I froze. That was the last thing I would have expected him to confess. “You did?”

“Yeah. I didn’t plan it or anything, but it slipped out when I was doing my big fuck you speech.”

“Did you freak out after?”

“No.” He grinned crookedly. “I spent the entire drive home waiting for the panic to set in, but it never did. It felt good to tell him, and not just because it shocked the hell out of him.”

I pressed closer to him and splayed my hands over his back.

His smile fell. “I’ve spent my entire life trying to be what my parents want me to be, and it’s gotten me nothing. My mother only had me because she was looking for a payday, and now she pretends like I don’t exist. My father will never accept that I’m not him, and I don’t want to live the life he thinks I should. I’ve hidden so much of myself from them over the years, but I don’t want to hide you. I’m proud to be with you, and if I’m never going to talk to my dad again, then I want him to know that I’ll be fine because I have you.”

“You do, Z. Always.”

He pressed our foreheads together. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“But we really need to work on your date-panning skills,” I teased when he pulled away.

He let out a bark of laughter. “You have no idea.”

“What do you mean?”

“Remember when I said I had a whole thing planned?”

I nodded.

“That wasn’t just what I was going to say to you.” He shrugged helplessly. “I tried to plan something romantic, but you know me. I’m just a dumb jock. What the hell do I know about romance?”

“Going out for a drink together was a good date idea.”

He shot me a look.

“It was,” I insisted. “But you dropped the ball when you spent the entire date ignoring me and acting all squirely.”

His neck went red, and his cheeks flushed bright pink.

Was he blushing again?

“That wasn’t part of the plan. More of an unexpected side effect.”

“Unexpected side effect?” I arched one eyebrow questioningly.

“Going out for a drink was only part one.” He let out a nervous laugh. “But I think I overshot with the rest of my ideas.”

“I’m so confused.”

“I had this whole thing planned for when we got home. I was going to sweep you off your feet with my flawless love declaration, then show you parts two and three, but I miscalculated a few things, and my delivery was anything but flawless.”

“I have no idea what you’re saying, Z. You’re talking in code.”

He stepped out of my grip and took my hand in his. “Remember, I’m just a dumb jock who wouldn’t know romance if it bit me in the ass,” he said, tugging me toward his room.

I followed, more confused than a chameleon in a bowl of Skittles.

Isaac threw open the door to his room and pulled me inside. I promptly burst out laughing.

His room was immaculately clean, his bed neatly made, and all the random pieces of clothing that usually littered the floor were absent. He’d also placed battery-powered candles around the room and left them on while we’d been out, the flickering lights soft against the dark.

But it wasn’t the cleanliness or the candles that caused me to laugh.

That would be the message spelled out on his bed in what looked like rose petals: Can I eat your ass?

That was so quintessentially Isaac that I had to fight the urge to throw myself into his arms and kiss the hell out of him. First I had to stop laughing, then I could ravish him.

“Dumb jock, remember.” He grinned as I composed myself. “Are you good and romanced yet?”

“Totally romanced.” I hauled him against me and gave him a deep, wet kiss.

He moaned against my mouth and clung to me, his kisses almost violent in their desperation.

“You wanna eat my ass?” I asked against his lips, pulling him closer by the hips so our hard dicks pressed together.

He’d used his fingers on me, but never his mouth. The thought of having his tongue on me, in me, made my body tighten, and I kissed him again, meeting his urgency with my own.

He ran his hands down my back and grabbed my ass, tearing his mouth from mine. “Fuck, Jamie,” he panted, grinding against me. “I can’t.”

“You can’t eat my ass?” I blinked, some of my arousal replaced with confusion.

“No. I mean, yes. I can. I want to.” He shook his head, his voice as wrecked as his expression. “But I need you to fuck me. Right now.”

“Z?” I gaped at him.

He was practically vibrating with need. His eyes were bright and a bit crazed, his pupils blown so wide I couldn’t see the beautiful blue of his iris. His chest heaved against mine with each harsh breath, and his cock was so hard against me it felt like a steel pipe.

“Please, Jamie,” he begged. “I need you.”

“Jesus. Yeah. Okay.” I cupped his cheeks with my hands. “I’ve got you, babe.”

He let out a shuddering breath and closed his eyes. “Thank fuck.”

This was weird. Isaac was an enthusiastic partner, and it didn’t take much to get him from zero to ready to go, but I’d never seen him this desperate before.

“Z, you’re kinda freaking me out,” I confessed, smoothing my thumbs over his cheekbones. “What’s going on with you?”

He let out a bark of laughter and flipped his eyes open. “More like what’s going on in me.”

“Huh?”

“I thought it would be hot to wear a plug while we were out. That way we wouldn’t have to worry about prep when we got back, but I really didn’t think it through.”

My jaw dropped. He was wearing a plug?

He laughed again and started rocking his hips, dragging our dicks together. “The longest I’ve worn one was for like, thirty minutes, and that was while I was sitting in my room and waiting for a timer to go off. I didn’t know how different it would feel to walk around and be in public with it rubbing against my damn prostate every other second.”

I blinked a few times. Now his distraction made sense. The shifting and fidgeting, losing his train of thought, the one-word answers and long silences… I’d assumed they were signs he was trying to find a way to break up with me, but in reality, the plug had him so turned on he couldn’t focus.

“That’s so fucking hot,” I growled, my arousal spiking and filling me with my own desperate need. “You want me to fuck you, Z?”

His eyelids fluttered closed, and he pressed his cock against mine. “Please, Jamie.”

“I’ve got you.” I pressed a soft kiss against his lips, then stepped back.

He opened his eyes, his heated gaze meeting mine.

Ripping open my jeans, I let them hang open as I raked my gaze over his incredible body, drinking in every detail, from his flushed cheeks to how he clenched his fists at his sides like he was stopping himself from grabbing me.

I palmed my cock. I was so hard it throbbed under my touch.

Isaac’s eyes fell to my crotch, and he licked his lips hungrily.

“Get naked.”