Chapter 41

I sit and hold her small hand in my own, and the only sound is the soft beep of monitoring machines. It feels surreal to be here watching my mum lying in a hospital bed, when only a few hours ago I was walking through a vineyard in Spain.

My dad is taking a break. He’s been here for hours already and hasn’t left her side since she was brought in.

There’s still no news, since the doctors say they’re still waiting for the test results. I will them to hurry up.

I sent a text to Florencio as soon as I landed, but I haven’t heard anything back. I don’t know about Constantin, and I can’t think about what happened right now. I don’t have the capacity to unpack what he said and try to work out what went wrong. I can only focus on the lifeless form in front of me. Dad says she said she wasn’t feeling well earlier in the day, but when she went into the kitchen to get a drink after refusing my dad’s offer of help, she collapsed.

She’s been unconscious ever since and the only problem they could immediately find was a high temperature. They’ve given her something to help bring that down, but said they can’t do anything until they know what they’re dealing with.

At one point, a nurse enters and changes her IV drip. He gives me a smile but doesn’t say anything.

I let go of her hand and place my head on the bed. I’m exhausted and just need to rest for a minute.

I become aware of fingers tangling in my hair, and for a second I think it’s Florencio. he likes to wake me up by running his fingers through my hair and placing soft kisses on my cheeks and nose. It’s become a game to see how long I can keep my eyes closed, feigning sleep to get more kisses before he realises I’m awake. But the kisses don’t come, and I blink my eyes open, remembering that Florencio is hundreds of miles away. That must mean the fingers . . . I peel my face away from the bed and turn my head to look at the kind eyes and weak smile gazing back at me.

“Mum,” I croak, wiping the dried drool from my face. “How are you feeling?”

“Terrible,” she rasps, and closes her eyes for a minute before opening them again.

“Let me find Dad,” I say. He’s just outside the door, looking like he’s aged a decade. When I tell him she’s awake, his shoulders lose their visibly hunched appearance. As he passes me to go to her, he gives me a hug, the first I remember him giving me since I was a boy. I hug him back and then go to track down a doctor or nurse to tell them she’s awake.

While the nurses bustle around for a few minutes, my dad updates me that they found she has a virus and have started some antiviral meds.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I ask, upset that I didn’t know.

“Because you were fast asleep. You look like you needed it too. I let you stay sleeping and would’ve told you as soon as you awoke, but I guess she woke first. ”

I watch him look over and give her a tender smile, loving that they still have so much affection for each other.

Eventually, we’re allowed back to her bedside. I want to hug her, but I don’t want to hurt her so I squeeze her hand instead. Then I give my parents some time alone for a few minutes while I step outside and call Florencio. I’m desperate to hear his voice, but there’s no answer. I leave a message, but not being able to talk to him causes a small knot of anxiety until I realise that time seems to have no meaning in places like hospitals and it’s three in the morning.

As my mum is out of immediate danger and we have to wait until the doctors give us an update, we head home to rest, eat, and get a change of clothes.

I stand in my childhood bedroom. I haven’t stayed in it since I moved out years ago. At first, I had my own apartment, and then I shared one with Loretta. When she left me I gave up the apartment, which was rented, and put most of my effects into storage. Not that there was much. I brought a few boxes here, but didn’t stay as I was headed to Spain straight away. It no longer feels like home. Living with Loretta didn’t feel like home either. I thought it did at the time, but it was all part of the dream I was allowing myself to be led into. Home is where you feel comfortable being your authentic self, where you’re surrounded by love and support. I know now that I’ve never felt at home the way I have been for the last few weeks. I think of the memories we’ve already made and the ones we still have to make.

I fall into the narrow bed and manage to sleep for a few hours despite however long I slept at the hospital.

When I wake up, the first thing I do is reach for my phone. There’s a reply text from Florencio, which eases the knot in my chest, and I call him.

“Hey.”

“Hey. ”

“How’s it going?” he asks.

I fill him in on the progress, even though it’s still early stages, and how I’ll be heading back to the hospital soon and will update him later.

When I ask him how he is, he’s subdued, and hasn’t heard anything from Constantin.

“I’ll be back as soon as I can,” I tell him.

“Good. I miss you.” He rings off, and I hold the phone in my hand for a long time before I work out that his tone sounded like he didn’t believe me.