Chapter 23

“How could they? How could they?”

The words have been reverberating round my head for the last hour, and I can’t seem to make them stop. Every time a rational thought tries to push through, “How could they?” shines like a neon sign across my mind. Can’t they see that Rafe is mine? That I’m the one who’s in love with him?

In love.

The words brand themselves across my heart.

I knew I’d fallen way too deep, but is it love? I think back to our first dinner when Constantin explained what it was to be in love. I thought it was a wonderful notion, one for other people, and I was immune to it. But now the words are there, and I can’t take them back. I can’t push them back into the depths of my heart.

When Constantin gave his grandiose speech, he didn’t give the whole picture. He didn’t say how much it hurts.

I curl up in a ball on my bed, trying to make sense of it all. I feel drained. Maybe I should go back to Buenos Aires. Perhaps it would be better to go back home. Forget about Rafe and everything here. Go back to being the dutiful son to my family, finding pleasure in casual hookups for the rest of my life. But even as I think it, the thoughts turn bitter and I know I don’t want to go back to that same existence as before. I, too, have felt a shift being here, not just with Rafe, but with life.

A knock on my door startles me.

“Who is it?”

“Constantin.”

I let out a deep breath, waiting three seconds before replying. “Come in.”

He enters. The room is mostly dark, just a lamp on the dresser is lit. He sits down on the bed behind me.

“I came to see if you’re still mad at Rafe.”

“No, I’m not mad at him.” I sigh, uncurling and turning over to look at him.

“But you blame me, don’t you?”

“Yes,” I say bluntly, but even when the word leaves my mouth, I know it’s not true. “No, I don’t. Not really. It just feels unfair. I feel like a kid who’s spent ages saving up for a toy only to see it sold to someone else just as he reaches the toy shop.”

“Are you calling Rafe a toy?” He snorts.

“Your attempt at humour is terrible.”

“So was your analogy.” It’s a fair point, but his saying it doesn’t help.

“Can’t I just wallow in misery in peace?” It comes out as a whine.

“You have it that bad, huh?”

“ Urgh , is it that obvious?” I curl up again as if that offers me any protection from my feelings, but I don’t turn away from him.

“Why don’t you tell him how you feel?” he asks .

“I can’t. You saw him. He’s trying to process a lot of changes in his life, trying to work out who he is. I don’t want to weigh him down with my feelings.”

“And I thought I was supposed to be the romantic one.” His mouth lifts at the corners.

“That sounds tragic, not romantic to me.”

“Giving someone space to figure everything out, to let them become who they’re meant to be? I’d say that’s romantic.”

“I just thought it would feel different.” I shrug.

“I understand. This is all pretty new for me too. Do you know today is the first time I’ve kissed someone in ten years?”

“Um, no. Wow.”

“I had thought it would never happen again. I didn’t even want it to. Being a widower at thirty-two, I accepted it was just my lot in life. I run a bar. I’ve seen a lot of guys over the last ten years. But not a single one of them caught my attention.”

“Surely you’ve been propositioned?”

“I have, but none of them ever sparked enough interest for me to take them up on their offers.”

“Not even a hookup?”

“No.”

“So, you’ve not?—”

“My sex life, or lack of it, is not up for discussion right now,” he growls, which I admit is very attractive. I laugh at the thought that before I came to Spain, if anyone had growled at me like that, I’d have been on my hands and knees offering up my arse for them to do whatever they wanted with it. But not now. Have I changed so much?

“My sex life isn’t funny,” he protests.

“I wasn’t laughing at you. It was just a memory,” I say, and he seems to accept my explanation.

“What I’m trying to say is that after a very long dry spell, you two have awakened something in me I thought was lost forever. It came as a shock to me that I’m attracted to you both... a lot.”

I sigh. “I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to feel left out. I don’t want to be unchosen.”

“No one says you have to be,” he says softly, raising his hand and brushing my hair away from my eyes. It feels comforting, but then he pauses as if he’s just realised what he’s doing.

“Don’t stop,” I whisper and he resumes.

“There are no guarantees in this world. We never know what life is going to throw at us. Maybe we have to take chances as they come along, or we might never experience the joy this world has to offer.”

“Or we could not take any chances and just protect ourselves from the heartache.”

“That seems a sad and lonely way to live to me. Joy and sadness are two sides of the same coin, but until we toss it, we don’t know which side it’s going to land on.”

I raise myself up and scoot closer to him. He put his arms round me, and I lean into his broad chest. The steady beat of his heart feels solid as he envelops me in a safe warmth. His lips graze across my forehead.

“What do you want to do now?” he whispers into my hair.

“I want to see Rafe,” I say against his chest. I feel him nod and release his hold slightly.

I look up at him. “You won’t tell him, will you? About what I said?”

He frowns at the thought of it. “It’s not mine to tell.” Then he gently kisses my forehead before letting his arms fall and allowing me to get up.

“Thank you,” I say as he also stands.

“You’re welcome. I hope I’ve helped.”

“I think so. ”

“What about me?” he says as I close the bedroom door.

“I still haven’t made my mind up,” I say. It’s the truth, as I want to talk to Rafe first.

“Take all the time you need,” he answers before turning back to his own room. The implication of what he said only reaches me as I’m halfway down the stairs.

I find Rafe on the terrace looking out over the city. I stop in the doorway, just watching him for a minute. I don’t think I’ll ever tire of watching him, but I can’t put this off forever.

“Hey,” I say as I stand next to him, catching his citrus and vanilla scent on the slight breeze.

“Hola,” he replies. That he’s still practising his Spanish makes my stomach flip.

“I’m sorry,” I say. “I overacted. You’re free to kiss whomever you want. It’s none of my business. It’s just that I wanted it to be me.”

He turns to face me. “I’m sorry too. I never planned any of this. I just have these huge feelings inside me and I needed to let them out.”

“I... l like you a lot, Rafe, but I don’t know where I stand. I don’t know how to make any sense of this. I’m normally a one-and-done kind of guy, but I don’t want that with you.”

“I like you too. A lot. And I also like Constantin.” He closes his eyes for a second before continuing. “I’m not playing the field, trying to decide between you. What I’m asking is that we explore this together, all of us. To be honest, it scares the hell out of me, but in here—” He thumps his chest with his fist. “It feels right, and nothing has ever felt this right in my life. I want to trust that and see where it goes.”

I can’t help but admire his sincerity and I want more than anything to be with him. That’s not even an option for me.

He lets out a small, mirthless chuckle. “And as for where anything actually goes, well, I can’t get my head round that right now either. But I’d like you to guide me and teach me—both of you.” He looks so earnest, and I smile because there couldn’t be a more Rafe-like expression for asking for help on how to figure out sex. I definitely want to help him with those lessons. I catch a fleeting thought that Constantin would be part of it, and I think back to how it felt when he held me a few minutes ago. I understand what Rafe says when he says he feels safe with him. He exudes that in bucketfuls. I could do with more of that in my life... and maybe I can get him to growl again. The thought of it sends a shiver down my spine.

Rafe has turned back to stare out across the skyline and a memory comes back to me.

“Do you know it is on this spot, the first time you came for dinner, that I decided I wanted to kiss you?”

He faces me, his eyes widen, and he smiles. “Back then?”

“Yes, and every time I’ve seen you since.”

I move closer to him. So close that I can feel his breath on my cheek.

“Can we have a do-over on that first kiss?” I whisper. “I want to try again.”

“Yes.” His breath hitches slightly.

I push him back against the balustrade and he puts his hands on my hips, pulling me closer. His lips are soft, and I take my time tasting each in turn. As I press my lips to his, he opens for me, and I slowly explore him with my tongue. He moans against my mouth, and I thrust in deeper.

I reach up and tangle my fingers in his hair, gently pulling his head back and moving to kiss down his neck to find that sweet spot in the hollow of his neck. As he moans again, I utter “ bien ” against his skin, enjoying the way his body melts into me and he hums with pleasure. I work my way back up his throat and devour his beautiful lips again.

“That was perfect,” he says breathlessly as we part, and I give him a grin. It was pretty perfect for me too.

His attention moves and he looks over my shoulder. I twist and see Constantin framed by the doorway. I wave him over.

“How long have you been there?”

“Long enough.” His voice is low and husky and I feel a thrill that he’s been watching us.

Rafe doesn’t say anything and I get the feeling he’s waiting for me. I open up an arm.

“Come and join us for a hug.” I invite Constantin into a three-way hug. He steps forward and puts his arms round both of us. I lean into his warmth and Rafe leans his head on his shoulder, all the while looking at me. I see him mouth the words “thank you” to me. I still don’t know if I’m doing the right thing, but it doesn’t feel wrong, so I will trust in that and see what happens.

After a minute, I look up at Constantin. “Do you feel like playing? Because I feel like dancing.”