Chapter 33

"Alice? Is that you?" My mom poked her head out of the kitchen, a bright smile plastered on her face.

I shrugged out of my coat and placed it on a hanger in the front closet. It fell right to the floor, but instead of picking it up, I kicked it deeper into the closet so I could close the door. "Who else would it be?"

Her face fell at the sound of my voice, and it normally might have squeezed my heart.

"Is everything all right?" She held a dish towel but tossed it on the kitchen table as she made her way toward me.

I exhaled, annoyed by the simple fact that she stood in front of me. "I don't feel well."

She studied my face, but when she tried to bring a hand to my forehead, I flinched away.

She sighed. "Let's not start this again, Alice. You've been doing so well."

"I'm sick. You have to be the only parent in the entire world who makes their kid go to school when they're fucking sick."

She recoiled. Her eyes widened before her face pinched in irritation. "Do not speak to me like that. You aren't sick. Just like you haven't been sick the hundreds of other times you've missed school. Tell me what's really wrong. Did something happen? Was it something with Hunter?" The irritation disappeared, replaced with sadness. "I can't help you if you don't tell me, Alice."

I hated her softness. I hated it as much as Hunter's. I gritted my teeth and looked away from her. "I'm going to bed."

She sighed again, watching me go, both hands gripping the banister as she stood at the bottom of the stairs. Chris's bedroom door was closed, and I issued a silent thank-you to the universe.

When I reached the top of the staircase, her voice was forgiving behind me. "I love you, sweetheart."

I wasn't sure if she intended for me to hear it or if she said it because she needed to, but it punched a hole through my heart, and my face flooded with tears before I reached my bedroom door.

My bed was piled high with blankets and clothes, and I shoved them off in one swift motion, the fabrics tumbling to the floor in soft, messy heaps. I wished it were loud. I wished I could break my furniture or shatter something important, but my breakdown was as meek as I was.

I opened my top dresser drawer and snatched the razor from beneath a tangle of sweatpants. I slammed my bathroom door and shoved my sleeves up, not stopping to consider Hunter's lips on mine. My scars were webs of white and pink—nothing red.

As blood pooled to the surface, I stared at myself in the mirror. The truth was as jarring as my stinging arm. There was only one thing I hated more than Scott Henderson, and that was the person staring back at me.

* * *

I thoughtmy mom might reconsider in the morning, but she didn't. I looked terrible, and Chris made a point of noticing, shooting me a sidelong glance every few seconds on the way to school. "Are you high?"

I glared out the window instead of acknowledging him. My eyes did sting a bit, so I wasn't surprised they were bloodshot.

"Hungover?"

"Drop me off out front."

His eyebrows shot up. "Uh-oh, trouble in paradise?"

I gave him a scathing look. "I'm not in the mood, Chris."

He was quiet after that, and I tried not to dwell on the fact that I might have hurt his feelings.

Instead of stopping at my locker to ditch my coat, I headed straight for Mrs. Baker's office. She nodded me into my usual room, and I curled up on the cot, staring at the blank white wall. My phone vibrated sometime later, but instead of reaching for it, I closed my eyes.

I woke to Mrs. Baker's hand on my forehead, and it wasn't pleasant. I jerked from her grasp and bolted upright. In the very next moment, my back was to the wall, and my knees were drawn tight to my chest. She let out a small yelp, shuffling backward as if I was one of those trick statues people put on their front porch on Halloween.

"I'm so sorry, dear. I didn't mean to frighten you."

I shook my head. "No, no, no. It's okay. I think I was having a bad dream." But that was a lie. I hadn't been dreaming of anything at all.

She nodded but didn't come any closer. "Are you feeling all right? You've been sleeping quite a while."

I looked at the clock. Six periods had passed, including lunch, and I hadn't even changed positions. "I have really bad cramps." Again, a lie. I'd had my period two weeks ago, and during that time, I'd found sanctuary on the same cot. Her expression was odd as she studied me, and it was possible she remembered. "I guess I should probably attend something today."

"You can stay here if you need to."

I was beginning to feel too big for the room, so I pushed onto my feet, shooting her a polite smile. "I have a quiz in chemistry." That part was true. Besides, my nurse's office privileges were a tricky thing to maintain, and while I yearned to lie in the office all day, I never wanted Mrs. Baker to think I was taking advantage of her kindness.

I headed for the door, but her soft voice stopped me. "Are you sure you're okay, Alice?"

I froze. Her face was lined with a deep sadness, and I bit my bottom lip. I couldn't bear to look at her, so I stared out the window instead.

It had begun to snow, and I remembered when Hunter walked me home, and I'd felt stuck in a snow globe. A still world where all that was left were frozen flakes and him beside me. I squeezed my eyes shut, willing the flakes to stop, but they kept falling, and she kept watching me.

I flipped the question around in my head. I wondered how many times she'd asked me that, how many times anyone had asked me that. The snow on the ground was gray instead of white, and it was all wrong. It had been wrong for years.

I looked down at my hands, fiddling with my fingers as unshed tears blurred my vision. "I don't know." And it might have been the only somewhat truthful answer I'd given in almost two years.