Chapter 46

A week later Bigley Primary school broke up for the summer. There was a hastily organised leaving party for Janet, who had been there so long she'd taught two of the other teachers. I stood under the shade of an oak tree at the edge of the school field with some mums from the pub quiz, who invited me to become a regular team member. As we chatted and laughed, I kept one eye on Isla picking daisies and the other on Finn kicking a football with some friends.

I felt sort-of normal.

Apart from my wounded heart, of course.

It was a constant ache, all too often accompanied by tears, but it would heal. I knew this, because I wasn't allowing myself any debate on the matter. Kick-ass Libby was kicking her ass back into the real world. After a few days to wallow in losing Jonah again, I had got back on the list of small but significant choices. The dining room was nearly sorted, I was eating, exercising and sleeping infinitely better, and we'd planted lettuce and carrot seeds in the new raised beds that Toby had built.

We spent Saturday picnicking with Theo's family, after a very brief introduction to Platinum Precious – Isla declaring her the most beautifullest baby in the whole world, ever, while Finn announced that she looked like a cabbage. Both my parents came, and I took only minimal pleasure from observing Mum grasping quite how big a part of Nicky's life her in-laws were.

I had even, in a flash of inspiration, stopped sulking about everyone else's travels, and booked an adventure of our own.

Well, a week camping for me, the kids, Toby and Hazel in Devon at the end of August, but it was a start.

The first few weeks of the summer holidays passed in a blur. Dad had asked Janet if they could slow things down for the time being, but she'd been thoroughly put off by what she called his ‘family entanglements', so he continued to look after the children while I worked. More often than not, Mum joined him, and they seemed to settle into a companionable partnership, although they were being very tight-lipped about whether at any point it might develop into anything more. I did note that no one had mentioned divorce, and one morning when Mum popped into the surgery, Nicky spotted her sneaking a leaflet about relationship counselling into her bag.

Hearing about the different activities Isla and Finn got up to with their grandparents, added to the thrill of a new sister to cuddle, I started to worry that a week camping would be boring in comparison. I didn't protest, though. It was the least these grandchildren deserved.

When a terraced house went up for rent in the village, it seemed the obvious answer, and Mum signed a six-month lease.

She also started volunteering to look after the babies at the Bloomers Wednesday sessions while the single parents enjoyed their ‘fun time'. The new mums called her ‘Nana Helen' and revelled in her stories about me and Nicky as little girls, some of which were even true. That led to a part-time job helping out at the Green House to top up her pension and the savings that Dad had set up for her when he'd sold the house. On a good day, I could appreciate that her relationship with our family was healing. On a bad day, I felt jealous and angry and wanted to yell at her for keeping it a secret when Jonah lived there. But as the weeks passed, the bad days were fewer, and the good days felt better.

When a man on one of the rival pub-quiz teams asked me out, for a stuttering, shocked second or two I almost thought about saying yes.

Instead, I settled on ‘not yet', which he very graciously accepted.

We started clearing out the attic, and to my surprise found robust floorboards underneath the clutter, piles of dust and dead bugs. Toby's uncle, who was a building contractor, sorted out the paperwork and admin – which was less than we feared due to it already being classed as a living space – and taught Toby how to install an outside staircase, while someone else completed the rewiring and made sure everything met current building regs.

Dad offered his DIY services, but Toby's uncle had no patience for the kind of man who mistook a pair of pliers for an adjustable wrench, so Dad quietly got on with babysitting Hazel instead.

Overall, it became a summer of new starts alongside wrangling with old issues. Challenging, yes. Tiring, absolutely. But I felt – mostly – on top of it all. I was coping.

‘No, you are not!' Nicky barked, on one of our now regular Saturday no-parents-allowed hikes, when I expressed this out loud. ‘Libby, look at you.'

I instinctively looked down at my new leggings and sporty top. I thought I was starting to look okay.

‘You're thriving.' My sister laughed.

I basked in that thought for a few more strides.

‘I'm thinking I might get a dog.'

She grabbed my arm. ‘Do it. Theo and I have been talking about the same thing.'

We walked for a while in silence, but my sister's mood gradually dropped to pensive, her face reflecting the shadows beneath the pine trees.

‘We've been having therapy.'

‘What?' I stopped dead on the path. ‘You and Theo have a great marriage. Don't you?'

She nodded, pausing beside me. ‘We do. But we needed to figure out whether we have a complete marriage. Or if we want to find another way to grow our family.'

The air in the forest was completely still as I waited for her to go on.

‘We aren't going to try any more pointless fertility treatments, or adopt. Maybe one day we'll think about fostering older kids. But right now we've decided that focussing on what we have will be enough.'

‘What you have is incredible.'

‘It is. I don't know why I'm crying about it. I'm married to the best man ever. My closest friend.' She squinted at me. ‘No offence, sis.'

‘None taken.'

‘We love our work, our hobbies. Our amazing family. We're healthy, apart from this one thing.'

She shrugged, appearing painfully vulnerable. I reached out and brushed away her tears with my thumb.

‘It's enough,' she said, with a watery smile. ‘More than enough.'

‘Now all you need to believe is that you are enough,' I said, slipping my arm through hers, appreciating this rare role-reversal, even as I ached for her. ‘With or without being a mother.'

She nodded. ‘I know. Hence the therapy. And weirdly, Mum being back helps.'

‘Who'd have guessed that our mother turning up would be the answer to so many problems.'

We started walking towards a clearing lit up with August sunshine.

‘Not me.'

‘Hence the therapy!' we exclaimed together, jostling against each other like little girls.

‘Maybe you should try it.' Nicky raised her eyebrows, back in big-sister mode. ‘See if it can help mend that broken heart. It seems to be working for Mum and Dad, too.'

‘Yeah. I think I'll try a dog first.'

We'd just turned around and were heading back to the cottage when Toby phoned. Our holiday was in a couple of days' time, so I presumed he was going to ask about sleeping bags or a camping stove.

‘Yeah, so there's someone here, looking for you.'

‘Did you ask who?' For a second, my heart jumped at the thought it might be Jonah.

‘Hang on, she's waiting at the front door. Let me ask what she wants.'

There was a brief pause while I heard Toby clomp down the hallway, before he suddenly swore.

‘Um. You'd better get back here, soon,' he gabbled. ‘I think her water just broke on the doormat. Oh,' he added, sounding more than a little strained. ‘Her name's Ellis. And she says her contractions are seven minutes apart.'