Chapter 62

CHAPTER 62

MIRA

A s soon as Anya opened her door for me, she knew something was wrong. She took one look at my face and then hers fell, her arms opening for me to walk into them.

"I'm sorry for showing up unannounced and uninvited," I whispered into her hair as I hugged her, tears now flowing freely down my cheeks and my body feeling like it was being cracked open. "I just, uhm, I don't know."

"Shh, it's okay," she murmured softly. Tightening her grip on me, she ran her hand over my hair and just stood there, holding me and trying to reassure me while I tried to put the pieces of myself back together. "It's okay, Mira. It's going to be okay. Just let it all out. Let it out."

A sob rose within me and I followed her advice, letting it out and then regretting it when that one sob turned into many more. It was like giving permission to the first one had caused a stampede. I hated it, but I couldn't stop it.

Once again, it felt like the entire world was falling apart, but this time, Logan wouldn't be there to help me get through it. He wouldn't be the one making everything okay again, and that should've been fine. I was a strong, independent woman and I didn't need a man to help me through the rough patches.

But fuck, this hurts. Badly. Maybe I don't need him, but I sure as hell want him in my life.

More sobs rattled out of me, making me shake as I fell apart in Anya's arms. She held me through it all, eventually moving us into her apartment and settling me in her living room while she went to grab us each a beer.

When she walked back in, she dropped down beside me on the sofa and handed over the drink. "I know that social niceties dictate I should make you a warm beverage, but tea has never made anyone feel better. That's a job for alcohol."

"Thanks," I managed weakly, crossing my legs on the sofa with my feet underneath me. More tears kept coming, so it was completely ineffective, but at least I'd tried. The saltiness mingled with the taste of the beer on my tongue, but I didn't care. "This sucks."

Anya nodded, sympathy in her eyes. She mirrored the way I was sitting and cradled her beer in her hands. "I'm assuming your talk with Logan didn't go so well?"

"I thought this was my shot at a happily ever after," I admitted through the tears, my voice scratchy and wobbling. "I've never felt anything like this and I really thought that this could be it. I thought…"

My voice caught and I had to breathe in and out a few times as I struggled to get the words out. "I thought he was the one, but he's not. At least, not for what I want in the future."

Anya grimaced, checking the time on her watch before looking back up at me. "Are you sure? I mean, you weren't there for very long. I don't mean to give you false hope here, but it might've been worth more than a short conversation if you really feel like he might be the one."

"He's not," I said miserably. "Trust me, I wish there was some way that this could've been a misunderstanding or that a longer conversation would've led to a different result, but it's not that. I asked him pointblank what he wants in the future and our dreams just don't line up."

She wrinkled her nose, reaching out and rubbing my arm. "I'm sorry, babe. I really am. You're right. It does suck."

When I started crying again, she pulled me back into her arms and hugged me, stroking my back as my heart shattered all over her floor. I'd never known that breakups could be this painful, but especially not when the relationship had been relatively new.

It wasn't even like Logan and I had had a future planned together or like we'd become inextricably entwined in each other's lives. But it still felt like this was the end of what should've been the rest of my life.

Not only was I already missing him something awful, but there was also a profound sense of loss within me for what might have been.

So this is why people write such devastating songs about breakups. They really are fucking terrible.

I had no clue how people got through stuff like this. No clue where to even start moving on. Thankfully, I didn't have to figure that out tonight. Tonight, I just let myself grieve and process the shock of the sudden loss.

"How am I feeling like this when I'm the one who ended it?" I sobbed into Anya's shoulder. "I made the decision. It shouldn't hurt so bad."

"You made the decision because you thought you had to, babe, not because you wanted to. There's a difference between being done with someone and still loving them, but just not knowing if it was meant to be."

Deep down inside, I still felt like it had been meant to be. Maybe that was why it hurt so much. Everything in me—every part of my heart and soul—believed that Logan Jones was the one. I felt it to the core of my being when I was with him, that sense of belonging. Of rightness, and safety, and passion all rolled into one.

So quickly that I wasn't even sure how it'd happened, Logan had become the person I wanted to talk to the most when something happened. The person I wanted to comfort and to be comforted by. Who I wanted to share my joys and my sorrows with. The wins and the losses.

Without him, the future I now had ahead of me seemed impossibly bleak and empty. Ironic, since I broke up with him because I want a full life filled with love, and laughter, and the pitter-patter of little footsteps in the house that grows into arguments with teenagers and finally, with the pitter-patter of my grandchildren's footsteps.

It did not feel like this was the way to accomplish that life. In fact, it felt like I'd eradicated the possibility of ever living happily at all.

Anya was sympathetic and understanding, murmuring words of support until I'd recovered enough to dry my tears. We released each other, and when she picked up her beer, she leaned against the armrest and fixed her gaze on mine.

"Why don't you tell me how it went down? Maybe talking it through will help."

I sighed and took a long sip of my drink. Then I followed her advice once more. She had a lot more experience in this department than I did, and if she thought it would help, I was willing to give it a try.

When I was finished though, I was surprised to realize that she didn't seem so sympathetic anymore. I frowned. "What?"

"It's nothing, but do you think that maybe you should've been a little more direct with him?" she asked gently. "Guys aren't known for picking up on subtlety and hints, babe. You kind of have to spell things out for them."

I shook my head. "You didn't see his face when I asked him what he wanted. He was smiling when he told me that he could now put a face to the girl who would be in his lap on the beach. He looked like he was proud of it, even."

"Sure, but maybe you should've told him what you wanted," she said. "Once he was done telling you all that, you could've asked him where he thought your kids would be while you were at the beach. Or you could've just told him straight up that you want to get married and have kids. At least then you would've seen his reaction. "

Part of me wanted to jump right on this and think that maybe I had gotten it wrong, but between Slate's warnings and what Logan himself had said, I couldn't afford to get tripped up by self-doubt. "I don't know, but I doubt it would've made a difference. Logan just isn't the type to get bogged down by dirty diapers and school schedules."

The very thought of it was laughable now that I'd said it out loud. Anya didn't seem convinced though, shrugging after she'd swallowed another sip of her beer.

"Maybe he is and maybe he isn't, but you didn't tell him that you wanted that. If you had, maybe he'd have wanted to do those things with you," she reasoned. "It's entirely possible that he just hasn't thought about it much yet or that he didn't want to overwhelm you by blurting it out so soon."

She dragged in a deep breath, her features still soft with sympathy but her eyes blazing now. "The fact is that you're still making assumptions, and while that's what's happening, you're never going to know for sure. Without knowing for sure, you're never going to be able to let go of the what-ifs, and if you can't let go of the what-ifs, you won't be able to move on."

I groaned. "I can't even think about moving on yet, but I hear what you're saying. I just don't agree. Logan isn't the type to not speak his mind. If he wanted a family with me, he would've come out and said it."

"Okay," she said, dragging the word out like she still didn't quite believe it. "If you say so. I mean, you know him a heck of a lot better than I do. I just think that you went in there wanting to elicit a certain answer from him about a very particular subject. He didn't know that. Just because his brain didn't jump straight to family when he was asked about the future doesn't mean he's never going to want one."

Hope tried to take root in my chest, but I squashed it down, stomping all over it before it could start growing all over again. "You're right. I did go in there wanting to elicit a specific answer from him, but anyone who sees themselves having a family would've mentioned kids. Even just as an afterthought or a one day . Logan didn't do that and he's thirty-five years old. You can't tell me that he's never thought about it."

She let out a long exhale before she nodded. "Yeah, I guess you're right. It probably would've come up it was something he envisioned for himself, even eventually." She suddenly smiled. "The silver lining here is that Slate will be very happy, so at least there's that."

The joke fell flat and I started crying again as I processed all those things I'd just said out loud. Knowing them and voicing them were two very different things and saying them had just made it all the more real that he and I weren't ever going to get back together again.

Unless one of us compromised on what was a fundamental desire, we couldn't get back together. Even if one of us did compromise, this was the kind of thing that only led to resentment down the line. Either I would wind up resenting him for us not having children, or he would resent me for taking away his life of adventure and travel.

A voice deep inside my mind whispered that we could have it all. Kids didn't preclude a person from traveling and having adventures, but they did put a whole different spin on them. I sighed, burying my face in my hands as I struggled with all the conflicting thoughts and emotions spiraling through me.

The only thing I knew for sure right now was that I was devastated. Anya scrambled to cheer me up and I gave it my best shot, but I had a feeling it was going to be a while before I was truly happy again.

If I ever managed to fully get there without him.