6. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

" I followed you yesterday," Andrus said as we handed off duties to our replacements to take our midday break. "I know where you've been going for lunch each day."

"I'm aware. Your stealth skills are quite abysmal, you know. I continue to be astounded that you've risen as high in the Guard as you have."

Insults always seemed to roll right off Andrus, it was an enviable talent. His ego was so astoundingly large that mere words had no hope of penetrating it.

"What are you doing, Verner?" he asked, shaking his head and tutting like a disappointed grandmother as we made our way down the hall. "I don't know how to tell you this, but she clearly doesn't like you. She doesn't like anyone."

"Meera likes me," I replied confidently. As a friend . And I'd grown to cherish our friendship over the past few weeks, so I had certainly had no complaints on that front.

"She doesn't like anyone," Andrus asserted. "Her scent makes that obvious."

"The emotion you're feeling is bitterness," I told Andrus calmly.

"What? Why would I be bitter?"

"You had hoped that one of the ex-Hunters would choose you, and they never did. It's not acceptable, however, to direct any resentment you may be harboring toward them over that. I recommend you find a way to let it go."

"I hate when you're like this," Andrus huffed, already stomping off. "You don't know everything, Verner."

No, I didn't. And sometimes, I could be too quick to form an opinion and make that opinion known without collecting enough information first. It was a lingering bad habit from my childhood, where I was surrounded by staff who weren't allowed to challenge my words.

This time, I was pretty sure I was right though.

Tallulah had become less open to suitors since the ball, and Verity seemed content not to make a decision. Tensions were running high among all the Shades at court who had been vying for their attention.

I stopped by the kitchen before making my way to the border with Elverston House, feeling the tension ease from my shoulders with each step. It was the highlight of my day—a quiet moment Meera and I had carved out for ourselves where we could just be . We could sit in the peace and privacy of the garden, and no one tried to court her, and no one asked anything of me.

For that hour each day, I felt as though I was transported somewhere else completely.

She was in the garden again today, using the odd tools Astrid had sourced for her to cut away at some branches. Today, she was wearing a dark green top, and I liked it on her almost as much as I liked her in yellow. The dark colors had a very sultry effect on her brown eyes, that I did my best to ignore. Friends. Friends, friends, friends .

I wasn't sure that Meera trusted in our friendship the same way I did yet. That she trusted that there was stability and longevity in it, but hopefully, time would cure that.

Someday, Meera would see that I was a true and lifelong friend to her. In a different life, perhaps it would have been more. Perhaps she would have been my mate and my wife, and I'd have happily announced to the entire shadow realm that she was mine.

But Meera had given no indication that she wanted those things, and certainly not with me, and so I would appreciate her presence in my life exactly as it was.

"There you are," she said, setting her tools down and peeling off the odd gloves she wore to protect her delicate hands as she made her way over to our usual spot.

"Sorry I'm late. I come bearing proper food for you—some of the colorful things that Calix usually sends up with the queen's midday meal. Sadly, I have run out of cake."

"Oh, Verner, you shouldn't have…" Meera breathed, coming all the way up to meet me. Did she realize that she'd crossed the border in doing so? We'd always kept to our respective sides of the invisible line. I handed her the covered bowl, and she gave me another one of those smiles that almost reached her eyes. "Thank you. I really appreciate this."

"It's my pleasure." The amount of gratitude in her voice was jarring. Did no one ever do nice things for this woman? She deserved so much better than the life she'd been given. I should bring her more food offerings. "It looks like you've been busy today."

"I have. I've been putting that garden bed off for a while, thinking it would be really difficult, but actually, the branches are soft and easy to cut. I didn't have anything to worry about. Shall we go eat by the river?"

"I'd like that," I replied, shocked she'd suggested it. The riverbank was only across the path from Elverston House—merely a few feet away. But it was very much on neutral territory, and I was honored that Meera trusted me enough to venture out of the Shade-free zone with me.

We sat on the ground next to each other, leaning back against one of the gnarled old trees that lined the riverbank, the water lazily trickling past, and uncovered our bowls of food.

"Ooh, carrots," Meera said happily, pulling out a violently bright stick from the bowl. "Have you ever tried one?"

I shook my head, eyeing it warily.

"Do you want to?" she asked, holding it out to me.

Not really , in all honesty. But I suspected I would struggle to deny this woman anything. "Sure."

I took it carefully from her hand, making sure my claws were well away from her fingers, and took a bite.

"What do you think?" Meera asked, avidly watching my expression. I could get addicted to seeing that expression on her face.

"It's… sweeter than I expected," I replied, hoping my face wasn't giving away my revulsion.

But then Meera laughed, and I felt anything but. I'd eat a thousand of these horrid things a day to hear that sound again. Unfortunately, it was over nearly as quickly as it began, and she looked just as surprised as me that she'd done it.

"Sorry," she mumbled. "I didn't mean to laugh at your discomfort. That was rude of me."

"You worry too much. I would dearly love to hear you laugh more often—I don't mind in the slightest if it's at my expense. In fact, I encourage it. It's good to know that my presence in your life brings you joy."

"Of course it does," she said quickly, her smile a little more genuine now. It was a little softer around the edges. A littler warmer in the eyes. "I don't suppose you want to try some cucumber? Not for my entertainment! It's not as sweet as carrot."

"On the off chance it makes you laugh again, I will try your strange human vegetables."

Her smile widened as she handed me a green stick this time. The colors of this one were slightly more muted and less intimidating.

"It tastes like water," I told her after chewing on it for a moment. "This one is not so unpleasant."

"Good." She bit into a green stick of her own, staring out over the water. "I sort of volunteered myself last night to try grow these kinds of vegetables so Astrid doesn't have to bring it back for us each time. Ophelia was really keen on the idea."

"I'm sure she was—she would be mad not to be considering how much easier it would make life here for all of you. Do you have what you need to get started? Is there anything I can source for you?"

Meera's scent sweetened ever so slightly, her expression soft and affectionate. It was the prettiest thing I'd ever seen.

"That's okay, thank you. Astrid is going to get me an assortment of things on her next supply run. I can't do anything until I have the garden beds cleared anyway."

It was very unlike me to even consider breaking the rules, but I immediately contemplated occasionally venturing over the invisible border to help Meera remove some of the more difficult shrubs. It was entirely unreasonable to expect her to tackle those on her own.

I glanced at Meera, deciding whether I should suggest it or not. I suspected she wasn't a rule breaker either. Perhaps I could sneak into the garden at night and do some stealth gardening.

"Maybe we used to grow these kinds of food here, back when the Hunted lived here," Meera mused.

I grimaced at the reminder of our kinds' shared history. "I think the fact that we called you ‘the Hunted' does not bode well in respect to how we treated you all."

"Possibly not," Meera agreed, tilting her head to the side thoughtfully. "Though I'm sure some of my kind liked being chased around in the dark, if the small sample of ex-Hunters I've talked to are anything to go by," she added wryly.

I coughed awkwardly into my hand. If I'd been given a thousand chances, I never would have guessed that was what she was going to say.

"Is that so?"

"Don't get any ideas," Meera added, glancing at me, an almost playful expression on her face. "I have no interest in being hunted, and I'm good with a knife."

I laughed in surprise. "I'm glad to hear it—and I hope you're armed at all times. If you're not, I will procure you some weapons."

I didn't think I could address the first part of her sentence out loud. Though, I wondered if she'd be interested in hunting me…? I certainly wasn't opposed to the idea.

Behave, Verner. She's looking for a friend, nothing more .

"All of our weapons were confiscated when we moved here." Meera shrugged, pausing for a long moment to chew on a carrot. "It's fine, though. I feel safe here."

"You barely leave Elverston House," I pointed out gently. "And never alone. If a few silver throwing knives will bolster your confidence in moving around the palace complex, then I will argue with the king on the necessity of such a thing until he sees my point of view."

I watched as discreetly as I could as a fetching color crawled up Meera's face. It was, perhaps, the most enchanting sight I'd ever seen, and I was desperately glad that she couldn't smell my scent. It might make things uncomfortable if she could.

"You don't need to go to any effort on my behalf, you know. I mean, it's so kind of you. So kind. I want you to know that I really appreciate everything you do for me." She held up the bowl of vegetables as though to illustrate her point. "You really don't need to go out of your way for me though. I'll be okay."

I hummed, not disagreeing but not agreeing either. In many ways, Meera reminded me of Levana. Levana often suffered unnecessarily in silence, but I was coming to realize that it was borne of self-preservation rather than stubbornness. If she handled everything on her own, then she never needed to be dependent on someone else, and risk disappointment.

Meera did the same. If she ever asked me for help, I'd know that the situation was truly dire because she wouldn't do it lightly.

"I'll be okay," Meera repeated, possibly aiming for a firmer voice but finding a more wobbly one. "I'm very independent, you know. I'm good at doing things on my own."

"I appreciate that. But you don't always have to. You're navigating an entirely new world, Meera. If you ever want help, I'm more than happy to provide it. We're friends, after all."

I was impressed at how convincing I'd made that sound. It hadn't been a lie, after all. We were friends. I couldn't switch off the attraction I felt for Meera, but surely it would lessen with time the more diligently I ignored it.

"Thank you, Verner. You're really amazing, you know?"

"No. This is the bare minimum—you don't get to thank me for that."

"I'm going to anyway."

"That's okay, we'll work on it."

Meera almost laughed again, catching herself at the last moment.

"Have you noticed any color in the garden?" I asked, giving her a reprieve by changing the subject. "There's been sightings of pinks and golds and blues around the realm, you know. It's quite the topic of conversation."

Meera tipped her head back against the tree, smiling softly. "I haven't seen any here yet, but that's lovely. Well, it's lovely for me. I'm sure there are some Shades who aren't so fond of such a visible reminder of change," she added wryly, giving me a pointed look.

"My parents are struggling a little, yes," I agreed, certain that was who she was referring to. "They'll adjust in time. It doesn't help that my cousin, Osric, is constantly in their ears, buzzing about how dire everything is," I grumbled.

"You two aren't close, I take it?" Meera teased, bumping me lightly with her shoulder. Something fluttered wildly in my chest, and I did my best to ignore it.

"No. Osric prides himself on being everything I'm not, which means he is the ideal heir. The kind of son my parents want me to be."

Meera frowned. "I don't understand how any parent could not think of you as basically the perfect child, honestly. You're kind, generous, respectful, principled… If I had a son someday and he turned out like you, I'd think I'd done something very right."

I didn't even know how to respond to that. It was the kindest thing anyone had ever said to me.

"That's…" I cleared my throat. "Thank you, Meera. That means more to me than I can say."

She flushed a deep shade of red, but her scent sweetened as though my words had pleased her.

"Um, that's okay. It's just the truth. Will you visit home again any time soon?" she asked, resuming eating. I wasn't sure if it was because she was still hungry or if she just wanted something to do with her hands.

"I hadn't planned on it, but perhaps I will. If only to get more ojurac."

"Not on my account," she said sternly. "But if you're visiting anyway and happen to get some…"

"You really liked the ojurac?" I asked, wanting to make sure she hadn't just been claiming to enjoy it out of politeness.

"It's my favorite thing I've eaten since I came to the shadow realm."

Well, that settled it. I would have to return home at the first available opportunity.

"I should probably get back," I sighed eventually, stacking the empty bowls to return them to the palace kitchens on my way past. Undoubtedly, Andrus would be even more unhappy with me than usual, which would make for a long afternoon.

"Oh," Meera said, immediately reaching for them. "I can take those—"

"Absolutely not. We are going to slowly get you accustomed to the idea of not doing everything yourself."

"You already brought me lunch! That's one thing already."

"Then today will be a challenging day for you," I said, gently patting her arm as I stood, keeping the bowls safely tucked against my side.

This time, she didn't catch her laugh in time, and I memorized the sound as she climbed to her feet. "Oh, how I suffer. I'm really glad I met you, Verner."

"I'm glad I met you too. And I'll see you tomorrow, yes?"

"Are you sure you aren't sick of me?" Her tone said she was teasing, but I suspected there was a little more honesty in the question than she wanted to admit.

"I'll never be sick of you, Meera," I replied solemnly. If anyone was going to tire of this arrangement, it would be her, probably when she met a Shade that she did want to pursue a romantic connection with.

We said our goodbyes and went our separate ways, and Euphemia fell into step beside me as I made my way back to the palace. She kept to herself mostly, finding the younger members of the Guard tiresome after decades of service, though she seemed to make an exception for me.

"I never pictured you going for one of those Hunter women," Euphemia said quietly, the disapproval in her voice clear.

That was now two members of the Guard that knew I was spending time with Meera. My gut churned uneasily, wondering how Meera would respond to that. I should have mentioned Andrus's words while I was with her, but I'd put them out of my mind.

"I'm not courting Meera if that's what you're suggesting. But I'm curious to know why you'd think that I wouldn't, if I were fortunate to have the opportunity?" I asked calmly, hoping I didn't let my own disapproval show. I respected Euphemia, but her tone had rubbed me the wrong way.

"You should find a respectable female Shade. Someone your own kind. I saw that one you were speaking to interact with the queen's murderous sister at dinner. You are the company you keep, after all," she muttered.

I had no idea how to respond to that. In truth, I had no desire to say anything that might be construed as defending Astrid Bishop. Like every Shade in the realm, I didn't trust her. Where Meera and the others' presence had been easy enough to reconcile due to their mostly nonviolent pasts, there was no overlooking the dangerous nature of the Hunters where Astrid was concerned. Her hands were blackened with the shadows of the Shades whose lives she'd taken.

"I'm a friend to Meera, nothing more. Adjusting to life in the shadow realm has been challenging for her, and if I can ease that struggle, why would I not?"

"Why would you? Perhaps you should spend some time with my niece. She has already had a child—I'm sure she could comfortably bear another. You need an heir, do you not? Your parents must be getting worried about that."

I certainly wasn't dignifying that with an answer. My parents' generation were nightmares for setting their children up with whoever they thought would be useful for procreating purposes like we were cattle to be bred at will.

"My cousin, Osric, is next in line after me. The estate is still set to stay within the family."

"Perhaps I should send my niece to him instead, since he's the more promising prospect."

"Perhaps you should," I agreed coolly, though her words had stung a little. I couldn't even entirely say why—I wasn't in competition with Osric, not really. He couldn't take my position unless I chose to give it up. Perhaps it was just weighing on me more than usual that he would uphold tradition far better than I ever would, even if I felt that most of those traditions weren't worth upholding in the first place.

Not when change was bringing so much good with it. If it came down to choosing between my friendship with Meera, or doing things the way they'd always been done at home…

There was no choosing.

The decision had already been made in my mind.