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5. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

I did my best to avoid attachments.

Attachments were dangerous. Attachments made you vulnerable. They'd been the hardest part about walking away when my life had imploded all those years ago. And while I wanted friends here, I'd naively thought that I could have them without getting too emotionally invested in the process. Keep things light—like colleagues, but in slightly weirder circumstances together.

But I could see now that I'd been deluding myself.

Verner was doing his level best to work his way past the multilayered metaphorical fortress I'd built around myself, and he was succeeding.

"Some more cake," Verner said, handing me one large package this time. "They really should serve it at the palace, it's the best food in the shadow realm."

"I couldn't agree more."

I gave him my best attempt at a smile—a new thing I'd been trying out recently. It felt weird every time I did it. Did my mouth look right? Why hadn't I gotten my teeth whitened before I moved to the shadow realm? Maybe I should wear lipstick?

As if he knew I was feeling self-conscious, Verner was suddenly very preoccupied with his own lunch, and I happily tucked into my cake, enjoying simply being in his company. Something about his presence felt very easy, in a way I didn't experience with most people—or Shades.

Even with the other ex-Hunters, as much as I liked them, I couldn't help but measure myself against them when I was in their company, and I always came up short. They were just such naturals at making conversation in a way that I couldn't grasp at all. Astrid and I were probably the most similar in that respect, but she was even more antisocial than I was, so I was stuck comparing myself to engaging, flirtatious, charming, and funny extroverts.

Why couldn't I be just one of those things?

I'd settle for funny.

"What have you been doing this morning?" Verner asked.

Making notes , I replied in my head. I didn't say that out loud though, not even as much as I liked Verner. Or perhaps it was because I liked him? Detailing all the idiotic—and sometimes terrible—things I'd been involved with felt like a poor reflection on me. I wasn't even sure why I was doing it—I had no way of getting it to Adela Cooke now. She probably thought I was dead.

Perhaps it was just for my own peace of mind. A little notebook of regrets that I could use to remind myself how far I'd come. Maybe one day, I'd burn it and set myself free.

"I haven't really done anything," I replied instead. "I had breakfast at the palace and walked around Elverston House a bit. I think the royal couple have intentionally given us as much free time as we could possibly want to incentivize us to stay, but I feel a bit directionless."

I had so much time each day. Too much time.

It had given me the uncomfortable realization that I thrived in chaos and struggled in peace.

"What is it you'd like to do? As your friend— " Verner paused, looking almost a little smug at that. I almost laughed. "—I feel that I could be of assistance in this. Perhaps something related to your previous career?"

"I'm definitely not qualified to help deliver Shade babies," I said, giving him an incredulous look. Were the babies born with claws? My uterus went into full-scale lockdown at the thought.

I shuffled forward a little on my butt to disentangle myself from the hanging vine behind me that seemed to be magnetically attracted to my hair. "I wonder if anyone would mind if I tidied up a little out here? I don't know anything about gardening, but it's so overgrown. I could just hack away at it, so at least the paths were clear."

"Mind? Certainly not. You'd be doing them a great favor. I could source you some tools, though they aren't designed for your dainty hands."

"Dainty?" I examined my hands like I'd never seen them before. I supposed they were rather delicate compared to a Shade's.

"Dainty," he repeated firmly. "Can the queen's sister bring you equipment from the human realm? I believe she does supply runs back with the captain."

I nodded. "Astrid, yes. I could ask."

Was it my imagination, or had Verner grimaced a little when I said Astrid's name? Whatever expression he saw on my face, he looked immediately contrite.

"My apologies, Meera. I know your relationship with her is bound to be different from how the Shades in the realm see her."

The defensiveness I felt for my prickly housemate who was determinedly ignoring all of my attempts at friendship took me by surprise. But Astrid was the bravest person I knew, and I wasn't going to tolerate so much as a hint of disrespect toward her in my presence.

The rest of us had been forced out of the Hunters, and come here out of convenience.

Astrid had walked away willingly, and basically thrown a grenade into the room behind her when she'd left. And nothing about moving here made life easier for her.

"I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for Astrid," I reminded Verner gently. "She searched me out. She brought me here. If, at any time, you're enjoying my company, you have Astrid to thank for that."

"I enjoy every moment of your company. And you're right, I do."

I waited to see if he'd say anything else. To see if he'd make excuses or attempt to justify his actions, but he didn't.

I hated that it immediately made me suspicious. Verner appeared to be nothing but kind. Gentlemanly. My gut instinct was telling me that he was one of the good ones and that I could let my guard down around him, at least a little. I wouldn't have met him alone in this hidden-away spot if I didn't feel that way.

The problem wasn't Verner, I was almost sure of it. The problem was me. I didn't trust my judgment anymore.

"Do you like to write?" he asked, startling me.

"Write?" My blood chilled instantly.

"I've seen you out here with a notebook before." The way his shadows moved around him… it was almost sheepish. I'd suspected that the Guard had a better view over Elverston House than we realized, and that basically confirmed it. "I've often wondered what you were writing."

"Oh." Quick, Meera. Come up with something normal to say .

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pry," Verner said suddenly, his nose wrinkling ever so slightly. Damn it, my stupid scent had broadcast my discomfort before I'd had a chance to lie about it.

"It's not… I'm not writing. I mean, I am. I'm just rambling about stuff. I'm not… It's not poetry or anything," I managed to get out, tripping over my words.

"I understand," Verner replied kindly, though he absolutely didn't.

And I was grateful for that fact. The less Verner understood about how odd I really was, the better.

"Anyone here?" Ophelia called out from the foyer of Elverston House, her voice echoing around the stones. "I come bearing gray wine and cheese!"

"Oh my god, you shouldn't have," Verity replied, skipping down the stairs. "Gray wine and cheese is my favorite kind of wine and cheese."

"I already have my rollers in," Tallulah sighed, coming down after Verity. She had a blue patterned silk scarf tied elegantly over the barrel rollers, so you couldn't really see them anyway, and her pajamas matched the scarf. Verity—in a fluffy pink unicorn onesie—was slightly less chic , but definitely just as cute.

And I was in cotton yoga pants that had a hole in the knee, with a giant sweatshirt that came nearly down to my knees to hide the fact that my leggings were looking pretty transparent around the butt.

"Is Meera here?" Ophelia asked, hugging them each in turn.

"I'm here," I said quietly from the sitting room doorway. I'd been taking notes on the uncomfortable couch, and I discreetly checked the front pocket of my hoodie to make sure my notebook was hidden away.

"There you are! Shall we all sit in there?" Ophelia asked, already heading my way with a wine bottle in one hand and a picnic basket in the other.

"I'll get glasses," Tallulah offered, her fluffy slippers slapping the stone floor with each step.

Verity flopped down on the hard couch, eyeing it with irritation as she wriggled to get comfortable. "What's the occasion, Ophelia?"

"Nothing in particular, I just thought it would be nice for us to spend some time together. It's been a few weeks now, I want to know how you're settling in. You're all so popular at court—I barely get a chance to speak to you in the palace!"

"It's a tough job but someone has to do it," Verity replied solemnly as Tallulah returned with heavy goblets and busied herself with opening the wine.

Astrid slunk into the room while Tallulah was distributing goblets, accepting one with a nod of thanks and perching on the arm of the couch like she was ready to bolt at a moment's notice.

I understood that impulse. Maybe I'd thrown myself a little too far in the deep end with this whole making friends thing. Verner and I had lunch together every day and we had done so for weeks now—that had always felt completely comfortable. Maybe it was the group setting that was making me nervous.

"Cheers, ladies," Ophelia said, holding up her goblet. I wriggled to the edge of the seat so I could reach, clinking the heavy silver cup against the others before taking a sip.

It looked like dirty dishwater, but it tasted like red wine at least.

"What's been going on? What's the gossip? Did you guys enjoy the ball? I want to hear everything." Ophelia beamed while almost every muscle in my body clenched up in terror. I didn't know how to do this. I'd never had girlfriends to gossip with, even before my life had imploded. I'd had a sister five years younger than me, who felt more like a child than a sibling most of the time.

What was I meant to say? What if I said too much and made it weird? Probably best not to say anything.

"I'll go first," Verity volunteered without hesitation. "The ball was great—ten out of ten, would write a favorable review. Also, I've decided to save my first knot for marriage."

Tallulah choked on her wine, and Verity tilted her head to the side, waiting with a serene smile on her face for Tallulah to finish coughing.

"That's romantic," Ophelia hedged. I was glad that for all of her social skills, even she didn't know how to perfectly respond to that. "Not to be crass and you totally don't have to answer, but have you, uh, been busy? The rate the stores are depleting by has slowed a little lately."

Verity frowned. "I mean, I've been enjoying myself for sure, but I doubt it's enough to make a noticeable difference in the stores. One dude said that without knotting, I wasn't generating nearly as much power as I could be. I feel kinda bad about that—"

"Please don't," Ophelia interjected. "Only do what you're comfortable with. Who said that? I'm going to have words with him."

I didn't hear Verity's answer, because the pink tint in Astrid's cheeks that no one else seemed to have noticed had captured my attention. Was Astrid the one generating power for the stores? With who? I looked over to Tallulah to see if she'd spotted it, and maybe I was imagining things, but she looked a little flushed too.

Shoot, I was really letting the team down. What was the point of me even being here if I wasn't contributing?

"What about you, Meera?" Verity asked suddenly. There was a knowing look in her eyes that made me nervous. Had she seen Verner outside? The more I cleared the garden, the less hidden our little spot was.

"What about me?"

Verity grinned. "Okay, okay. Keep your secrets. You'll tell us when you're ready."

She totally knew.

"I've been busy gardening. Or just hacking away at the overgrowth, I guess," I said hastily, not wanting to lie but also wanting to provide a plausible reason for why I was spending so much time outside.

Why was I being so weird about Verner anyway? I could have friends. There was nothing wrong with that. I just… didn't want to share that particular friend. Not yet.

Ophelia smiled, but it was definitely a less enthusiastic smile than I would have gotten if I'd been juicing up the stores. "The garden beds are definitely looking much less chaotic outside Elverston House. Is gardening something you enjoy?"

A lightbulb went off in my brain at her question. I wasn't contributing power, but maybe I could contribute this way. I could help look after the others, so that they could… do their thing here. And then I'd feel less like a freeloader, and maybe the royal couple would see that I was adding value to the realm and wouldn't kick me out when they got sick of me.

"Sure. Maybe I could try growing some human realm vegetables?" I suggested tentatively. "Since the garden beds aren't being used for anything anyway. And then Astrid wouldn't have to bring back quite so much on her supply runs."

Ophelia blinked at me. "That's a fantastic idea. I mean, we need to find ways to be more self-sufficient anyway—Astrid going back and forth can't be a long-term solution. It's not safe."

"It's fine," Astrid grumbled, crossing her arms to hide her injured hand. Ophelia didn't dignify that with an answer.

"Do you know what you need to get started, Meera?" Tallulah asked brightly.

"I'll make a list," I hedged, not really knowing what I needed. Seeds? A little shovel thing? Astrid had already brought me cutting implements, but I probably needed a few extra things to grow rather than just destroy.

Humans had been growing food for centuries, surely I could figure this out.

"Obviously there will be some trial and error," Ophelia said. "And maybe the climate at the palace isn't right for certain things? I guess we'll find out. But it would be so amazing if you could give it a try, Meera. It'll be a total game changer for us if we can grow our own food."

She smiled, and something settled into place in my chest. In so many ways, I wasn't the right fit for life here, but this was a way I could be genuinely helpful.

This , I could do.

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