Chapter 7

"How did she even acquire all this?" Meera asked, untangling a necklace that had fallen down the side of what had been Verity's dresser.

She'd moved out with the Shade she was… seeing? Curing? Taking pity on? Honestly, I couldn't tell. But in her frantic rush to pack, she'd left plenty of small things behind that Meera and I were boxing up for her.

"I think half of Astrid's supply runs were just Verity's lists," I laughed, warily reaching under the bed, not entirely sure what I was going to find under there.

Fortunately, it seemed to be mostly an assortment of clothes—primarily socks in every length and texture under the sun, though, they were all in various shades of pink.

"Do you think she's happy?" Meera asked, her voice a little more subdued this time. "I know Damen said she was…"

"But would he really know?" I finished, having considered the same thing. "Verity has that flirty confidence that could probably convince anyone of anything."

"I also don't think she'd stay if she wasn't," Meera pointed out. "Verity is a force to be reckoned with."

I hummed in agreement, a small wave of jealousy that I hated washing over me. I didn't want to be jealous of my friend—I wanted to feel nothing but positive feelings where they were concerned. But the certainty with which Verity had made her choice to leave a couple of days ago, and the bemused way Damen had assured us that she didn't regret her decision…

God, I just wanted that for myself. I wanted that certainty. I wanted everyone in the realm to know about it.

"Aren't you going to go for your walk?" Meera asked suddenly. "You usually leave about this time."

I swallowed tightly, glad Meera couldn't scent my emotions. I could go. There was no one stopping me, except for the voice in my head that was suddenly and obnoxiously asking questions.

Questions like… what the fuck are you doing?

You want to fall in love. Is this how you're going to find it? Hoping for a relationship with someone who doesn't do relationships?

Are you actually keeping your feelings out of this like you said you would? Or are you already in too deep?

"I'm going to work on the curtains in the drawing room, actually. I really want to get them up, see what they look like."

"Do you need a second pair of hands?"

Probably."I think I'll be okay."

I didn't want to inconvenience Meera, or force her to spend any more time indoors than she already had today. She was not an indoorsy kind of gal.

We set aside a couple of smaller boxes of things for Damen to take to Verity on his next visit before heading in separate directions. By midmorning, there was a very good chance Verity wouldn't have even been awake yet, but the house still felt so much emptier without her presence.

I felt cold all over at the idea of Meera suddenly upping and leaving me too, and that was definitely how this was going to play out, since the only guy I liked was emotionally unavailable to me.

The curtains somewhat worked as stress relief—and the idea that the heavy velvet fabric would provide warmth and privacy, and make Elverston House feel more welcoming, was incredibly motivating.

But they just absolutely wouldn't fall properly no matter what I did, and it would bother me every single moment for the rest of my life if they didn't look right.

A slightly hysterical corner of my brain that I didn't want to look too closely at was convinced that if only I could get the curtains right, all the other ills in my life would magically correct themselves, too.

"Those look great!" Meera said enthusiastically, coming to stand next to me while I examined them critically.

"They aren't hanging properly."

She shot me a bemused look. "Aren't they? I doubt anyone will notice that but you. They look stunning. Such an improvement on what was there."

Everyone would notice, though. Eventually. They'd notice, and they'd think that I was sloppy or that I didn't care about this house. And I did. I cared so much. I just wanted everything to be perfect, and for everyone to be happy, and for me to be happy. Was that too much to ask?

"I'm going to redo them," I announced, clambering back up the rickety wooden ladder. Meera made a sound of alarm, coming to the bottom to hold on to it.

"Were you up this by yourself earlier, Tallulah?! You do know the stone floor would be an uncomfortable landing spot for your skull, right?"

Coming from the usually even-tempered Meera, that was a real scolding.

"Sorry, I should have asked for help," I said, genuinely contrite.

She hummed, unconvinced, watching as I pulled the first hooks out of the loops, the curtains instantly sagging toward the floor. "I really think you should go for your morning walk. You seem out of sorts today."

I yanked out the next hook a little more aggressively than necessary before taking a deep, calming breath. I'd really lose my shit if I ripped the curtain now.

"I'll head out for a walk. It's a good idea," I agreed, though this time I was going to actually walk. Just meander around on my lonesome, and let the uncomfortable emotions I'd been trying to distract myself from fester a little.

Even if I wanted to hang out with someone, monopolizing Meera's time was my only option. Ophelia was busier than ever these days. Astrid's work schedule had picked up too, and Austin was rarely at court. Verity had been the one who was always available for socializing, but she was happily ensconced at her new estate, probably painting the ancient stonework pastel pink.

Evrin was the one I wanted to spend time with, but he was also the one I was trying to distance myself from. Not forever, I hoped. But I needed some time to pull myself together.

The heavy fabric pooled in a sad-looking pile on the ground that I would undoubtedly regret leaving there later, but couldn't be bothered tackling at that moment. Instead, I clambered down, gave Meera a quick hug, then let myself out of the house, traipsing through Meera's increasingly impressive vegetable garden until I got to the ex-Hunters-only border of the property. I didn't really have any direction in mind, but I found myself heading for the river opposite the property and sitting down against a thick tree on the bank, watching the calm ripples of the silvery gray water while I fantasized about sexy, sexy premade roller blinds.

They wouldn't solve all my problems, but it was the kind of obvious quick fix that made it feel like it would solve all my problems. Like when my last serious relationship had ended, and I'd been convinced all that I needed to feel better were blunt bangs and a little rose tattoo on my ankle.

"Hey."

I let out an ungainly squawk at the sound of Evrin's voice, scrambling awkwardly to my feet to find him standing a couple of feet away. He looked almost sheepish, which was a different look on him. Usually, he was the epitome of unbothered while I analyzed every single thing I'd done and said in his presence, wondering if I'd scared him off yet.

"You scared the bejeezus out of me," I panted, clutching my chest as he silently mouthed "bejeezus" to himself. "What are you doing here? Hasn't your shift started?"

"Yes, but you weren't in the garden. I came to make sure you were alright. I hope that's okay. No one saw me."

No one saw me.

My insecurities reared up like a lion, ready to take a swipe. I could see it happening.

This man—this Shade, rather—didn't claim me. He didn't want me to be his. I knew that I was all self-protective claws and get-ahead-of-the-pain teeth in that moment, but I was too far gone to pull it back.

"I'm surprised you sought me out in the daylight." Stop talking, I told myself in vain. Don't say it.Don't let the unhealed version of you win. "Given that you don't want to be seen with me."

Evrin's expression was absolutely unreadable. "Right."

Oh, I was definitely spiraling. I could feel it. I could see it happening right in front of me, like someone else was in the driver's seat. But it was all me. I'd said the words, hoping that he'd give me some kind of reassurance in return, some acknowledgment that I wasn't his dirty little secret.

And he hadn't.

"Is that not an accurate read of the situation?" I pressed, because apparently I was in the mood to hurt my own feelings today.

Evrin shifted his weight from one foot to the other, his shadows moving restlessly around him. "Yes. It is. I want what's best for you, Tallulah."

God, that felt like such a copout. He was what was best for me, only he didn't seem to agree.

My chest felt strange, and I was more than a little worried that I was going to burst into tears, which would be an additional humiliation I didn't really want to deal with right now.

Why had I even brought this up? Things had been going fine, so long as I didn't pay too much attention to the gnawing sensation in the back of my mind.

No, I knew why.

The Duke of Lindow had shown up and Verity had just… picked him. For reasons that literally no one understood, because he looked one gust of wind away from death and he seemed like an arrogant asshole to boot, she'd decided that she'd have him. And he'd immediately chosen her right back, albeit in an extremely bizarre way.

God, maybe I was a "pick me" because I absolutely wanted to be picked. I wanted Evrin to claim me, and I wanted to claim him right back.

I wanted everyone to know that this one was mine.

But like Evrin said, that wasn't what this was.

"I think we should stop doing… this." I was impressed with how calm and aloof I sounded, though, I had no doubt that my scent was giving me away.

Evrin nodded, resignation written all over his face.

A very large part of me wanted to scream No! I take it back! Whisk me away into the darkness and make me come until I can't walk, and we can pretend this whole conversation never happened.

But I was already in too deep for that. I'd been all but doodling Mrs. Evrin in my metaphorical notebook. If I didn't put an end to this now, I was only going to make myself miserable in the long run. More miserable.

"Maybe I was fine with what this was when we first started, but now… I'm just not sure this arrangement is fair on either of us anymore."

"I see." I suspected he didn't, not really, given how cautiously the words were delivered.

But that made sense, didn't it? Evrin didn't see why the arrangement wasn't fair, because Evrin wasn't emotionally invested in it the way I was.

I released my lower lip, not even realizing I'd been chewing on it, and gave him what I hoped was a convincing smile. "You're great, you know. You're funny and hot, and a really gentle, calming presence to be around. If you ever do decide to pursue a relationship someday, she'll be super lucky because you're such a catch. I hope you find what you're looking for."

"I hope you do too, Tallulah," Evrin murmured, his gaze lingering for a moment before he inclined his head respectfully and turned away.

Goodbye, I mouthed at his back as he left, my throat too tight to get the word out.

This was the right thing to do. I knew that. Evrin probably knew that—or he'd realize it soon enough. The Band-Aid had to be ripped off at some point, and it was better to do it now than to leave it any longer.

And maybe in a few hours—or days, maybe even weeks—I'd be grateful that I'd made this tough call and appreciate that I hadn't let these pesky feelings linger. But I sure as shit wasn't there yet.