Chapter 20

Tallulah's scent was all wrong today. My stomach flipped, a nervousness I wasn't accustomed to settling in. I'd thought that we were making progress, but maybe I'd moved too quickly by showing her the cottage.

Fuck. I'd probably terrified her. What was the usual order in which these things were done? I'd almost gone to my brothers yesterday and asked for guidance, but I suspected they knew as little about courting as I did.

And perhaps I'd been a little cowardly, too. I wasn't ready to hear the disbelief in their voices when I told them that a coveted ex-Hunter had chosen me.

"Everything okay?" I asked, aiming for cheerful as we wandered along the bank of the river opposite Elverston House. I was desperate to go ahead and purchase the cottage so we had somewhere we could be alone, but I'd hold off until I was sure Tallulah wasn't just going along with the idea to appease me.

"Yup. Everything is fine." Her smile was shaky, but it was nothing compared to the anxiousness in her scent.

"What's going on, Tallulah?"

She wrung her hands together in front of her as we walked instead of holding my arm like she usually would, and rejection lashed relentlessly at my skin, despite my attempts to tell myself to be patient and not jump to conclusions.

"I'm pregnant."

My mind went entirely blank. For a long moment, there were no thoughts, no feelings, not a whole lot of anything.

And then there was too much.

"Sit down, sit down." I could vaguely hear Tallulah, feel her hands on my body guiding me to the ground. "Lean forward, head between your knees, breathe. Does that work on Shades? Crap, I don't know. Maybe I should get a healer—"

I wrapped my hand around her wrist, pulling her down, stretching out my legs at the last moment so she was seated sideways on my thighs. She was pregnant. I couldn't let her sit on the hard ground.

"Evrin!" Tallulah squeaked, grabbing my shoulders to brace herself. She almost immediately settled though, giving me a gentle squeeze and an understanding look. "It's yours, by the way. In case that wasn't clear. I haven't been with anyone else. I know you might not believe me—"

"I believe you."

She gave me a shaky smile. "I'm sorry, Evrin. Well, I'm kind of sorry. I'm terrified, but I'm really excited too. But I know we didn't plan this, and this wasn't what you expected, and you can be as involved as you like—"

"What does that mean?" I asked, a little more sharply than I meant to. At some point, I'd wrapped my arms around her waist, holding her close as though she'd disappear at any moment. "I want to be as involved as possible. All the way involved."

I want you. I want to build a life with you. A family with you.

I love you already. I've loved you all along.

I want you to wear my bite.

I didn't say that, though. What if Tallulah thought I was only offering because of the child? No, there would be plenty of time for mating marks. It didn't need to be right this second.

Even if that would be preferable.

"I need to go talk to the owner of the cottage. We need our own home," I muttered, my shadows wrapping protectively around Tallulah while my mind ran through all of the things I would need to do.

My shifts would have to be shortened, that much was certain. More guards would be required to do regular patrols of the in-between, to take the pressure solely off me.

"You're taking this really well," Tallulah said, soothingly rubbing circles into the base of my neck with her thumb. I wondered if she even realized she was doing it.

"I've always wanted to be a father. This child is a gift beyond measure… One I never thought I'd be worthy of receiving."

"You are worthy, Evrin. You're going to be an amazing father."

But was I? I would give this child everything I had to give, but would it be enough to undo the stain of having me for a father? They would always be looked down upon. Always kept at a distance. Even Roan, who was being groomed for a spot on the Council of Shades, who mingled with the elite and by all accounts had an easy life, was marred by the blood association to me.

"Are you warm enough?" I asked Tallulah. "Have you eaten? You look tired."

"I am," she agreed, stifling a yawn. There were dark shadows under her eyes I wasn't accustomed to seeing. "I was a little stressed last night about telling you. I didn't sleep well."

I stood immediately, bringing her with me and setting her on her feet. "Come, I will walk you back to Elverston House so you can rest. You need your sleep. Is there anything I can have sent for you? I need to talk to the owner of the cottage before my shift starts. And the captain, to work out a more manageable schedule."

Tallulah rubbed my arms, looking up at me with tired eyes and a soft smile. "Don't stress, okay? We've got time. Though, I do wish we had a place of our own right now, so we could nap together," she added, yawning again.

"We will shortly, I'm going to make sure of it. Go and sleep now. I'll come back at the end of my shift and meet you here."

"That sounds good." At least now she snuggled into my side as we made the short walk back to the house. The lingering scent of her nervousness was still there, but it was vastly overwhelmed by the sweetness of her joy.

I pulled her in tight—though not as tightly as before, in case I squashed the baby—as we said our goodbyes, dropping a kiss to her temple.

For a long moment, Tallulah looked up at me as if there was something more she wanted to say, before shaking her head slightly and pulling away.

"Until tonight, Evrin."

"Until tonight, Tallulah."