Chapter 17

Iwas such an even-tempered Shade. Everyone said so. The only things the realm knew about me was that I was calm, cursed without horns, and I guarded the in-between.

The latter two still held true, but I felt anything but calm this morning. From the moment I'd gotten back to my room after the end of Tallulah's "date" last night, I'd been in a restless, frustrated rage. The kind of rage I hadn't felt since I was a child, and I'd realized just how different I was and how inferior that made me in the eyes of everyone else.

It wasn't fair that Tallulah looked at me like she needed me when she didn't. It wasn't fair that if I wasn't who I was, I'd be perfect for her. It wasn't fair that I knew how she tasted on my tongue and felt against my body, and I'd just have to live with those torturous memories for the rest of my life, watching from the darkness as she moved on.

I groaned as someone knocked on my door, tentatively calling my name. No one ever knocked on my door or spoke to me, I didn't see why that had to change now.

On the off chance that it was an emergency, I forced myself to get up and open the door.

"Hey," Cavan said, immediately taking several steps backward. "Tallulah is at the barracks asking for you."

"Tallulah is here?" I asked, stumbling out into the corridor and slamming the door shut behind me. "Who is accompanying her?"

"No one—"

I pushed past him, sprinting down the long corridor to the small stone entrance to the building where we received guests—in the very loosest sense of the word, since no one would ever choose to entertain here.

Of course, by the time I got there, Tallulah was surrounded by curious members of the Guard who were eager to impress. And while I wanted to stay strong, and keep some emotional distance between us, I couldn't hold myself back when Tallulah's pleading eyes found mine, the hints of overwhelm already present in her tight smile and the way she kept smoothing down her hair.

"Move," I barked, grateful for a change, that so many Shades jumped out of my way, worried their horns would vanish by proximity. "Can't you see that you're crowding her?"

Tallulah's smile turned into something far more genuine, but I couldn't let it get to me, or this obsession would never run out of fuel.

Now that the initial panic to get to her was over, the realization of why she was probably here set in. I hadn't given her a chance to address the awkward response to me last night—I'd excused myself and asked Verner to walk Tallulah back to Elverston House.

I should have known I couldn't put it off forever. This was the reckoning I'd been trying to avoid.

"Hi," Tallulah said slightly sheepishly, glancing at the crowd who'd taken a few steps back but were still filling the entryway. "I was hoping we could talk?"

"Sure," I agreed tightly. Why was she saying this in front of everyone? The other members of the Guard were going to get the wrong impression. "Did you want to discuss the security of the in-between?" I asked awkwardly, attempting to provide her with a plausible excuse for talking to me.

"No, I want to talk about us."

Never mind then.

Our small audience broke out into a chorus of muttered speculation, and I ushered Tallulah outside, striding toward the entry room. This was a disaster enough already. The very least I could do was give her the privacy of the darkness so as not to add to the whispers.

"Wait!" Tallulah said, her small, soft hand coming to rest on my forearm, stopping me instantly. "Can we stay out here? Maybe walk through the gardens?"

"Tallulah," I began slowly. "I'm not sure you understand the damage you are doing to your reputation by being seen with me."

"Is this what the weirdness has been about the whole time? My reputation?" she repeated, her fingers tightening slightly on my arm, a frown marring her expression.

I gritted my teeth, my fangs pricking uncomfortably at my gums. "I am a pariah here, Tallulah. Surely, you've noticed that. You shouldn't be touching me," I added, forcing myself to move my arm away despite the burning need to feel her hands on my skin. "It will bring you shame."

"You're going to need to explain this to me more, because I don't understand. But I also don't care—they can say whatever they want about me." Her voice grew more insistent and frustrated with each word, her shoulders straightening and everything about her body language confrontational. Like this tiny, soft delight of a woman was willing to go to war for me.

It was that righteous anger that had me softening my tone, a little of the desperate longing I felt for her slipping through.

"I was born without horns." Shame coated my throat, making it hard to get the words out, but I pushed on. I'd been cowardly in not explaining properly earlier. When Tallulah had first touched the stumps where my horns should have been and hadn't screamed in horror, that was when I should have told her what the appropriate reaction to my malformed head was. "It happens sometimes, but it's very, very rare, and it's a great source of shame both to the hornless Shade and their family, who may be seen as less-desirable breeding prospects."

Breeding prospects, Tallulah mouthed, her scowl growing increasingly fierce. Perhaps I wasn't explaining it well.

"For more superstitious Shades"—like Aither's grandfather—"it's seen as a curse. A sign of the goddesses' disfavor. I've been selfish, Tallulah. I should have stayed away from you. I realized after our first time in the in-between that you didn't understand the gravity of what it meant, and I kept seeking you out anyway."

"So, you're saying that you do want me—you've wanted me this whole time—but you feel like you should stay away from me because you don't have horns? Have I got that right?"

"Yes."

"Evrin, that is some bullshit. We literally could have been together this whole time. What the hell."

I must not have explained it properly.

I opened my mouth to try again, but Tallulah continued speaking before I had a chance. "No, stop. You're going to tell me the exact same thing again in more dire tones, I can tell, and frankly, I don't want to hear it. I do not give a single, solitary fuck that you don't have horns. I just wanted you. I still just want you."

"You don't… you don't care? I'm malformed. I will always be this way. I may pass these defective genes on to my children someday. I will constantly be shunned by the realm at large—"

"If anyone tries to shun you ever again, I'll tell them where to shove their stupidity," Tallulah snapped, pacing in agitation in front of the entry room. "I should have done that last night with Aither's family, but I wasn't one hundred percent sure that was what was going on."

"Are you… are you saying you want to be with me, Tallulah?"

She shot me a frankly scathing look that shouldn't have been nearly as comforting as it was. "I am with you. We're together now. I mean, I guess tell me if that's not something you want, but I'll probably keep coming back. I think I could wear you down."

I let out a startled laugh. "You don't have to. Of course you don't. I will happily, willingly, gratefully follow you anywhere. I still have concerns about how this will affect your standing in the rest of the realm—"

"I don't care about that."

"You might," I pointed out gently. "When your friends are all in positions of influence, attending every grand ball in the realm, living in elegant estates. I can purchase a home for us, but it will be small and simple—"

"So long as you're there, I'm happy." Tallulah ceased pacing, coming to stand before me and sliding her hands into mine, easily avoiding my claws as though the action was second nature. "I don't need a big, fancy house. I need you to hold me tight and wrap me in shadows when I'm freaking out. I need you to make me laugh. I need you to keep being patient with me when I'm a neurotic mess. And I need to fight anyone who has ever made you feel less than—"

"Well, we can talk about that later—"

"—and I need you to let me keep you. Let me care about you." Her smile grew a little shaky. "If you could just need me the way I need you, that would be perfect."

"I already do." I pulled her into me, wrapping my arms around her shoulders and breathing in the glorious scent she was perfuming the air with. It wasn't her syrupy sweet desire, it was something brighter yet just as intoxicating.

It was joy.

"How soon can you arrange that cozy little house for us because I'm really wishing we had somewhere private we could go right now," Tallulah mumbled against my chest.

I laughed, squeezing her a little tighter. "So do I."

"The in-between?" she suggested hopefully, looking up at me.

I grimaced. "Not with that portal open. Besides… I want to do this right this time. I want to lay you down on a mattress and worship you properly."

The idea of doing that in my tiny single bed in the barracks was appalling. If nothing else, there was nowhere near enough privacy.

If anyone else smelled the scent of her desire, I might go on a rampage which wouldn't do wonders for my career.

I'd been worried that Tallulah would take my words as a rejection, but her scent was the happiest it had ever been. "Okay. We can do that. I can be patient. Maybe."

"Can you?"

She grinned mischievously. "I guess we'll find out. But I want a kiss first."

I immediately cloaked us in shadows, lifting Tallulah off the ground as she pressed her lips to mine, her hands gripping my shoulders. Her blunt teeth bit teasingly at my lower lip before she ran her tongue across it, and my knot ached in anticipation of being inside her again.

"You're a tease," I growled, the sound mingling in oddly with the purr that had rumbled out of my chest.

Tallulah laughed, shimmying down my body before pressing a kiss to my chest. "I can't really stay, anyway. I wish I could, but Meera and I have been summoned to a meeting this morning."

"With?" I asked, straightening.

"I don't even know really—I'm guessing the king and queen, and a bunch of Shades. It's for the negotiations with Sebastian and Lochan." She sighed wistfully. "I really don't want to go now."

I checked that I wasn't squeezing her too tight, desperate to hold on to her, to this moment, for as long as I could.

"Do you have time to walk me up to the palace? Or do you need to start your shift?"

My instinctual reaction was to say no. To protect Tallulah's reputation as much as I could. But she'd said she wanted this, and this wasn't going to work if I didn't put my trust in her the way she had repeatedly put it in me.

"I've got time."

I didn't think I could deny Tallulah anything when she was looking at me like that.