Chapter 15

The captain had clearly made an effort to assign more members of the Guard to the in-between today, filling my peaceful sanctuary with loud, obnoxious assholes who didn't want to be here. It was likely only a temporary measure—the portal that had come back to life yesterday continued to hum away quietly, and it did require some additional monitoring.

It wouldn't last though. The others would get too antsy being in the dark for so long, and would eventually find an excuse to be somewhere else.

"This seems excessive," Galen muttered, pacing in front of the portal. I'd walked for miles today, checking all of the other ones, and finding them all still quiet as I expected—I'd have felt it if more had flared back to life.

That this one was still on didn't have to mean anything nefarious. It made sense that the negotiating party would have an exit strategy in place, one that wasn't dependent on Shades to help them return to the human realm. They were meant to be relaying messages between the various governing bodies, if nothing else.

Nothing about any of it felt particularly in good faith to me, though.

"How do you do this all day?" Galen muttered, watching me warily as I lingered perhaps a little too close to him for his comfort, mulling it all over. My presence clearly made him uncomfortable, but he wouldn't say as much while he was in what was widely considered to be my domain.

"Practice."

"Do you think any more Hunters will come through?"

I gave Galen an assessing look, trying to figure out why he was talking to me. Usually, no one bothered. Perhaps he was just out of his mind with boredom being in here for so long.

"No, I don't think so."

"Me neither," he agreed hurriedly, like he was worried I was going to end the conversation. He really must be bored. "I don't think these are actually peace negotiations, anyway. I think they've just come here to try to convince the ex-Hunters here to leave so we'll starve."

I stilled, not having considered that angle. Perhaps because the idea of the ex-Hunters who'd made their homes here leaving seemed too remote to be a real possibility.

Tallulah wouldn't leave. Right?

"Why do you think that?"

"Well, one of them was in love with Verity, right? So maybe they thought he could convince her. And I heard the young woman talking at dinner about Austin and how she used to watch him sing or something, so maybe she's here for him? Presumably, they wouldn't even bother trying to get the queen or Astrid back—they might have conceded defeat on that front. So then perhaps the other man knows Tallulah or Meera, or both? Or they think one will follow the other." He lowered his voice. "And we don't know if they know about Iris. None of us have mentioned her, but they haven't either. Maybe they know, you know?"

"It was a Hunter who directed Iris here," I murmured distractedly, having at least some information on that front. "But we have no idea if that Hunter told anyone else about it. There's a very good chance that they know, and the reason they're here is for her."

I shifted my weight uncomfortably, wishing my shift was over. Tallulah hadn't looked overly familiar with the new Hunters when I'd seen her interacting with them, but that didn't mean she'd never met them before. Fuck. What if that weaselly little Lochan had been in love with her, the way Sebastian had been with Verity? I should have just killed him the first time he'd irritated me.

"I don't think they'll leave," Galen said with unearned confidence, since the only ex-Hunter he'd probably had any interaction with was Astrid, as she was part of the Guard now. From what I'd heard, she couldn't go back. She was the Hunters Council's greatest enemy. "They're happy here, right? Why would they go back? The human realm seems terrible. It's so loud."

"Depends where you go, I guess," I pointed out. It was easier to feed in big cities, so Shades usually opted to go there when we went through, but that didn't mean humans had to live there.

I was desperate to speak to Tallulah.

The idea that she might someday leave had never occurred to me. She seemed to be such a permanent fixture at court, so popular with everyone, so depended upon by the other ex-Hunters, including the queen. But if the Hunters Council were willing to entirely forgive her for coming here in the first place, if she was allowed to return home without consequences…

By the time I exited the in-between after my shift, I'd worked myself up into a state of near panic. I wasn't even sure what I wanted to do first, though logically, I knew that I should go straight to Captain Soren and provide him with an update—namely that there were no updates. But logic wasn't ruling my mind at that precise moment.

"Evrin!"

I stopped instantly at the sound of Tallulah's voice, the relief I felt immediately energizing me after what had been a long and exhausting day.

"Hi," I said, embarrassingly breathless just to be speaking to her. "How are you? How was your day?"

"It was good." She shifted on her feet, pulling her pale pink coat a little tighter around her. The Herst winds were blowing today from the mountains, sending a chill through the usually temperate palace grounds. "I don't really know why I'm here."

Tallulah laughed nervously, and it broke my heart a little. She'd laughed like that when we'd first met, but over time she'd grown more comfortable with me, and it had changed into something throatier, and more authentic.

At least she hadn't used the bright, confident laugh that she used on everyone else, but it wasn't much of an improvement.

It was like what we had never existed.

"You're cold. Here, let's get out of the wind." I ushered her toward the palace where the smooth stone columns next to the stone outer wall would shelter her a little. "You should really stay inside today until the Herst wind dies down. It blows through every year."

I'd intended to bring up Galen's theory, to casually discover whether Tallulah knew Lochan, and if she was intending on leaving if he suggested it, but I was distracted by the sight of her overbright eyes and flushed pink cheeks. Even the tip of her nose had turned an adorable shade of red.

Tallulah shifted restlessly. I'd been staring too long.

"Oh! That's why I came to find you." Another nervous laugh. "I, um, just wanted to say thank you for yesterday."

"Okay." I couldn't think of a single thing I'd done that would warrant her gratitude. Unless she was thankful I'd led Lochan to her, in which case I didn't want to know.

"When you asked the others to make space for me at the table," she clarified.

Ah. "I thought you may be having trouble asking for what you wanted."

"That does seem to be a recurring issue of mine," Tallulah muttered. "How was your day? Anything exciting happen in the in-between?"

"No new arrivals, if that's what you mean. The captain has assigned me an abundance of colleagues. I suppose that's exciting."

Her smile looked a little more genuine this time. A little less brittle. "You sound thrilled about that."

"None of them want to be there. It doesn't make for the most relaxing work environment. How have you spent your day?"

"Sewing. Almost everything in Cora's room needs to be replaced. I thought I'd make a start on it."

"That seems very practical, especially since there are more of you living there. Perhaps more still to come, if some kind of agreement can be made. Did any discussions happen today?"

Tallulah's thoughtful expression was almost as delightful as her smile. "I wouldn't call them discussions. Introductions were made to the Council of Shades, apparently."

I wondered if Roan had been part of those conversations, or maybe his position wasn't quite secure enough to be included in that yet.

Tallulah shivered again, and I ushered out from next to the column. "Come on, we should get you inside before you freeze. Are you going to the palace, or shall I escort you to Elverston House?"

For the first time in many years, I wished I had my own residence. It wasn't something that particularly bothered me in the past—the barracks were clean, comfortable, and convenient—but if I had my own apartment…

Would I have invited Tallulah back there? Would she have said yes? Probably not.

"I wasn't really going anywhere," Tallulah hedged, her teeth chattering slightly.

That was all the opening I needed. "Come on. I know a spot in the palace where you can warm up."

I wouldn't have risked it if I thought we'd run into anyone, but there was always a lull in the afternoon, before the dinner rush started, from my memories of spending time in the palace with Damen. Tallulah followed me down the quiet corridors and spiral staircases with a gratifying level of trust. That, at least, hadn't disappeared. On the bottom level were the kitchens, but I led Tallulah through to a spacious room behind them, heated by a shared wall that housed the kitchen's enormous fire on the other side.

"Oh," Tallulah breathed, drifting toward the warm bricks, already unbuttoning her coat before crossing the room to sit in one of the mismatched chairs that had accumulated in this space over the years. "This is wonderful. I had no idea this place existed."

I leaned against the wall next to the door, ready to slip out and preserve Tallulah's reputation if anyone came in here to warm up.

"Damen and I would sometimes raid the kitchens after a night of drinking. This was many years ago. Before the current cook took up the post."

I wasn't sure I'd risk Calix's wrath in order to steal a few cakes. Old Jethro had never noticed.

"How come you drifted apart?" Tallulah asked, a soft smile playing around her mouth.

"We grew older. Grew apart. There's no real reason."

Privately, I suspected my presence had made Damen's other friends uncomfortable, and they'd encouraged him to avoid me. It had been a little unfortunate—for a few months, I'd experienced an almost regular version of friendship—but also not surprising.

"I hear you have a date tonight," I said casually. I could thank Damen for that, at least. I wasn't even sure why he'd told me, unless he'd heard about me intercepting Tallulah's last unworthy suitor, and thought Vicus deserved the same treatment.

Which he did.

Tallulah raised an eyebrow at me. "Did you now? Nothing is going to mysteriously happen to Vicus, is it?"

"I don't think it's mysterious that Vicus has been summoned back to his family estate to deal with an urgent flooding issue on his property."

Tallulah spluttered in outrage, and I thickened the shadows I was cloaked in, making sure my entirely inappropriate reaction wasn't on display. "You didn't… flood his house somehow, did you?"

I laughed. "No, of course not. I'm not risking being thrown into the Pit."

I really wouldn't be able to watch over Tallulah from there.

Besides, I hadn't needed to. Vicus's estate was built on reclaimed wetlands, and it flooded all the time. It had been something of a source of amusement to my father, who'd maintained a not-so-friendly rivalry with Vicus's father since adolescence.

Most of the time, I forgot entirely that I was from the same social class as those assholes, but it did come in useful from time to time. Personally, a flood wouldn't have kept me away from Tallulah, but Vicus had always been of a more fickle temperament.

"I assumed the queen would have informed you about the change in suitor for the evening," I added, feeling slightly guilty that I'd been the one to break that news to her.

"I haven't seen her today," Tallulah admitted. "Is it you?"

Dare I imagine there was a note of hopefulness in her voice? I was probably reading too much into it.

"No," I said slowly. "It's Aither. He was also on your list."

"It's not my list," Tallulah shot back, a little defensively. "I haven't even seen the list."

"Right. I don't think you would have put Aither on it if you knew him."

I was beginning to suspect that the queen—and whoever else was setting up these dates—didn't actually know Tallulah very well. They didn't know the Tallulah who snuck away from social events to find a small, dark space to collect her thoughts in. The Tallulah who was being courted by the finest Shades in the realm, but had only sought out the one who'd made her feel safe until I'd let what we'd had slip away by not holding on to it tightly enough. Well, that, and being with me would ruin her life.

Regardless, if someone was going to be choosing prospective mates for Tallulah, it seemed crucial to me that they knew those parts of her. But they couldn't, if she didn't tell them.

"Why do you say that?"

I shrugged. "Just a guess. I'm not concerned for your safety or anything—he's very honorable. He just doesn't seem like… you."

Tallulah swallowed loudly, dropping her gaze to the floor.

"What have you advised your committee of experts to look for in a prospective mate?" I asked, silently demanding her attention once more. Needing to see those beautiful eyes staring back at me.

"Committee of experts?" she repeated, spluttering slightly. "It's nothing so formal as you're imagining. I'm just… helping the king and queen out. Taking some of the pressure off of them that they're facing from the Council of Shades, and the other fancy Shades around the realm who feel like they aren't getting enough attention. Or I'm trying to, but my dates keep mysteriously vanishing."

"I know you're fond of putting other people's wishes before your own, but surely, you're a little curious about them for your own benefit, too? Hoping that they'll be a good fit for you?"

"I want to find love. Is that so outrageous? I know I'm not perfect, but I think I am worthy of that. And I have a lot of love to give."

I softened my tone, the defensiveness in hers making my chest ache. "You are more than worthy of love, Tallulah. You're incredible, and I have no doubt that whoever you choose to bestow your affections on will be the luckiest Shade in the realm. And that is why I will keep interfering—to make sure you don't have entirely unsuitable Shades like Tavaris sitting across the table from you, salivating over your neck as though they are even remotely worthy of placing their bite there."

Tallulah's face was carefully blank, but her scent wasn't. It sweetened instantly, filling the warm air with the smell of her need.

I swallowed thickly, pressing myself as far back against the wall as I could go without leaving the room entirely. Perhaps leaving would have been the smarter thing to do, but I was too fucking obsessed with her to go through with it, even if I was trying to do the right thing and let her move on.

"Don't say stuff like that," Tallulah whispered, breathing heavily. "I can't… I can't keep a lid on how I'm feeling when you say stuff like that."

"I'm sorry you feel like you have to," I rasped. Desire, I reminded myself. It's just desire. I wanted to say more, wanted to beg to get inside her head and find out what she was thinking and whether there was any affection there for me or if I'd squandered even the potential of it, leaving only sexual attraction in its wake.

But I couldn't do that. She clearly didn't place the same importance on horns as everyone else in the realm did, but it would come up eventually. It would ruin her life here, her social standing, her friendships. Undoubtedly, if she wore my bite, Tallulah would be treated with the same revulsion I was, and that idea was untenable.

"Can you find your way out of here?" I asked. "Or shall I walk you up…?"

Her scent soured instantly. "I know my way back from the kitchens. Thanks, though. I guess I'll see you around."

I nodded once, backing out of the room so I could keep her in my sights until the last possible moment, memorizing her pouty, down-turned mouth and glistening blue eyes.

The goddesses were cruel indeed to put Tallulah in my path but make me too damaged to keep her, and I cursed them every step of the way to see Captain Soren and report on my shift.

"There you are!" Damen huffed, intercepting me on my way back to the barracks after I'd debriefed Soren. "I've been looking everywhere for you."

I glanced behind me, though I was certain I hadn't heard anyone else on the path.

"You, Evrin."

"What is it? Has something happened?"

"Tallulah's date is going terribly. This is a great opportunity for you, come on." He grabbed my arm with an impatient huff—the physical contact startling me—and tugged me toward the palace, only releasing me when he was satisfied that I was keeping pace with him.

I watched surreptitiously to see if he would try to wipe the hand that had touched me on something, but he didn't.

"Damen… This isn't a good idea. I need to stop getting in her way. I want Tallulah to be happy."

Damen shot me a dismissive look over his shoulder. "And you think she's going to be happy with Aither?"

I came to a stop, forcing him to do the same. "Obviously not, but that doesn't mean that I should interfere. I can't keep interfering. Everyone is going to start noticing how much I speak to her if I keep doing this, how much she speaks to me. You know that would be disastrous for Tallulah."

Damen scowled as though this personally offended him, which wasn't the reaction I'd expected. While he'd never been as bothered about my condition as, well, everyone else in the realm, he'd never voiced any opinion to indicate that the treatment of me had bothered him.

"I'm not saying it will be easy, but times are changing. Don't you think she's worth it?"

It was easy for him to say, and yet the words were still a blow to my chest. "Of course, Tallulah is worth it. That's why I have to stay away. Damen, she doesn't understand. She doesn't get why everyone treats me the way they do. I'm not even sure she's noticed how bad it is. And I can live with it, but I'd fucking kill someone who spoke to her as if she was less than because of me."

Damen's shadows rippled in irritation, but he didn't argue with me. He couldn't. We both knew that I was telling the truth.

"At least if you explain it, explain the… risks, Tallulah would be able to make that decision for herself."

I was shaking my head before he even finished speaking. "She'd choose me out of pity, Damen. Just to make me happy. Tallulah puts everyone's happiness before her own."

He made a sound of frustration, but nodded in understanding. This wasn't some unsolvable riddle. The answer was as glaring as orb light.

I couldn't tell her.

I couldn't have her.

"Okay. Fine. I'll let it drop. But if you care for her at all, you'll join her on her date."

"I'm sure Tallulah would appreciate that," I replied dryly, ready to walk away. To return to my small room in the barracks and speak to no one until tomorrow's shift started.

"She would. She's presently outnumbered, and she looks extremely uncomfortable."

"Why didn't you say that earlier?" I demanded, storming toward the palace. Fucking Damen. Why didn't he lead with the most important information first?

He overtook me when we entered the palace, leading me to one of the private drawing rooms on the first floor. I inhaled the air constantly, trying to catch a glimmer of Tallulah's unhappiness in the air, and finding nothing. Then again, she was good at hiding it when she wanted to.

"This one," Damen whispered, nudging me forward before backing away. "Good luck."

It was not a room designed for privacy, which I appreciated. There was a decorative glass panel in the center of the door, perfectly framing the sitting area in the middle of the room and its occupants.

Its many, many occupants.

I'd categorized Aither as an okay prospective candidate because at least he had a close relationship with his family, which would provide Tallulah with a support network here. That was certainly something I'd never be able to offer her.

Though perhaps it was a little too close if he'd brought the whole lot of them on a first date.

Aither and Tallulah were sitting in the very center, closest to one another, and they spotted me at the same time. He frowned, and before I could come up with some half-cocked excuse for why I was here, Tallulah stood, eyes lighting up as she beckoned for me to come in. As far as I was concerned, if she wanted me there, that was all the excuse I needed.

"Good evening," I said, opening the door as though the plan had been for me to join them all along. It only seemed fair that Tallulah have some guests if Aither was going to bring so many.

The silence that greeted my entrance was deafening. If space had allowed, I had no doubt that everyone would have backed up, eager to get away from my grotesque form.

"Hi," Tallulah said shakily, glancing around the room with a slight frown. Her scent wasn't one of distress, but it certainly wasn't one of joy, either.

"Aither, how are you?" I asked, keeping my voice pleasant and mild. Internally, I was a little more conflicted after a lifetime of being told to stay out of everyone's way, to not make them uncomfortable with my presence. "I'm sorry to say I haven't been acquainted with your family yet."

The looks of revulsion at the empty space where my horns should be were impossible not to notice. Tallulah's frown had grown increasingly pronounced as she took in each guest one by one.

There had been plenty of similar looks when I'd joined her table at dinner, but Damen had clearly been enough of a buffer for Tallulah not to notice. What she was seeing now was how regular Shades reacted to it. Perhaps I owed Damen a thank-you for ensuring I was here. I couldn't tell Tallulah about why everyone hated me without her pitying me, but I could show her.

This is what your life would be like with me. See how awful it is? I would never do this to you.

I care about you too much to inflict this existence on you.

After an uncomfortably long pause, Aither finally made the introductions. "Evrin, this is my mother, Gratiana. My younger sister, Eydis. My grandfather, Bard. And my cousin, Drustan. This is Evrin. He guards the in-between."

"Ah, that makes sense," his grandfather muttered. Tallulah's smile remained fixed in place, but her gaze took on a sharp edge. I should have expected that fiery defensive side to appear—it only ever did for anyone other than herself.

"Did you need something, Evrin?" Aither asked, polite but pointed.

"He's here for me," Tallulah interjected with a beaming smile. "Just like you said you wanted your nearest and dearest to meet me, I wanted the same."

I almost wished she'd said anything else. There were too many Shades in this room. Those words would get out. The court would start their whispers.

"Evrin is your nearest and dearest?" Aither repeated derisively.

"Evrin knows me better than anyone in the shadow realm," Tallulah said confidently, patting the chair next to her and giving me a pointed look, telling me with her eyes to sit down.

I walked over stiffly, acutely aware of the scrape of seats as everyone except for Tallulah moved back.

"How is it that you two came to meet?" Aither asked uncomfortably. "You're not usually a fixture around court, Evrin."

I'd only interacted with Aither because of his friendship with Hamlin, the Shade whose room was directly opposite mine in the barracks, and even then, "interact" was probably a generous term for it. He mostly glanced at me in revulsion and went about his day.

"He is if you know where to look," Tallulah replied airily.

My intentions had been to be of genuine support to Tallulah, but there was a small part of me that was petty enough to take joy in Aither's obvious irritation at her answer.

"Yes, well, I suppose Evrin knows better than anyone that not all Shades are created equal. Did you advise Tallulah to seek out assistance from the royal family in weeding out… less desirable options? That was wisely done of you." Aither inclined his head at me begrudgingly, and his family made murmuring sounds of agreement.

"I can't take any credit for that," I said while Tallulah looked outraged. I lounged back in my seat to show her that Aither's words hadn't bothered me. "What were you discussing before I interrupted you?"

"This, actually. The advantages of Tallulah meeting Shades this way," Aither replied. "Of having a curated selection for her to talk to. I was suggesting a similar method be set up for that new Hunter who arrived. Cora, isn't it?"

"Perhaps we should let Cora settle in a little before thinking about that, hm?" Tallulah suggested, the coolness in her voice unmistakable.

Given how undesirable I was, I'd never done this formal dating thing—with the exception of the one I'd stolen with Tallulah—but I assumed they usually went better than this. Otherwise, what was the point? Surely no one would bother with this slow torture.

A trolley of refreshments arrived from the kitchens, which I politely declined to partake in, knowing Aither's family wouldn't touch the food if I'd gotten near it. For the most part, I was content to sit back and say nothing. While I didn't think Aither was worthy of being in Tallulah's presence after showing up with his entire family, it wasn't my decision.

If she decided that he was the one she wanted, I would support her. Probably.

"Did you know that your brother and I are competing for the same junior position on the Council of Shades?" Aither asked, forcing me back into the conversation.

Tallulah narrowed her eyes at me, redirecting a little of that irritation she was feeling my way. "Brother, hm?"

In hindsight, I wish I'd shared a little more of my life with her. I didn't like that she was hearing about it from someone else.

"I didn't know he was competing against you."

"Quite the honor for your family to be in the running, considering." Considering your lack of horns, and therefore polluted bloodline. Considering the challenge between your brothers.

"Indeed."

"You should have said," Tallulah said, voice tight. "I would have congratulated you."

Shit.She was hurt. That hadn't been my intention at all.

"Probably best he didn't," Aither told her, his voice filled with false compassion. "It's not a nice story. Sometimes those are better left untold, wouldn't you agree? Now, next time we do this, you simply must visit my home, Tallulah. Of course, the palace is very nice, but my estate is in a far more desirable location…"

This was going to be the longest evening of my life.