Chapter 40

AUGUST – 10 WEDNESDAY 10:15 PM

R en

Theo and Blake had been doing their best to keep me occupied, but I couldn't sit still anymore. I pushed myself up from the table and headed for the door.

"Where are you going," Blake asked.

"I just need some fresh air."

"We'll come with you."

I held up my hand. "No, please. I just…I need to be alone. I'm sorry."

Walking out the back door, I sank into my hoodie and wrapped my arms around myself as I paced in Nash's training area. I'd lost count of what lap I was on when the snap of a twig had my head jerking up. I sucked in a deep breath as the tip of a cigarette glowed in the darkness, but I couldn't see the person's face. My first instinct was to run, but run where? Help was inside the cabin.

"Relax, Ren."

I sighed as I recognized Liam's voice. "What the heck are you doing? Are you competing with Nash to see who can give me a heart attack first?"

Liam walked closer, and all I could clearly see was the glowing cigarette swinging in his hand.

"Trust me, if I wanted to, I'd win that challenge," he said, and I forced myself not to shiver. As he took another draw of the cigarette, the glow illuminated his face just enough that I could see Liam's eyes. As always, they were calculating and cool, but there was something else in them that was softer tonight.

"I'm sure you would. Is that why you're here, then? To go another round of who can do what better?" A strange rivalry had bloomed between us ever since Theo went after him that night. I still hadn't gotten Theo to talk about what happened, but Liam hadn't been quite as hostile.

"No, that's not why I'm here. Wanna sit?" He walked over to the picnic table and sat down. I glanced at the cabin and then joined him. He didn't say anything else for a long time, and I felt compelled to break the silence.

"I didn't know you smoked."

Liam smirked. "I don't." He looked at me, and the corner of his mouth turned up. "At least, as far as Nash is concerned, I don't."

"Liam Hicks, are you telling me a secret?"

"Can I trust you with it," he asked.

"If you're asking if I'm going to tell Nash, then no, I won't. Your secret is safe, but just so you know, that shit will kill you."

Liam snorted and put out the cigarette on the sole of his boot before sticking it in his pocket. "Yeah, it will, but I'm positive a bullet will get me long before that happens."

My smile fell, and I looked away. "So why are you here, or more specifically, why are you out here with me and not inside with Theo?"

"Because I didn't come here for him." I glanced at him and couldn't figure out what he was trying to get at. "We may be at odds where Theo is concerned, but I know what it's like to feel like you're going to lose the very thing that keeps you sane." I bit my lower lip. "How it can drive you crazy and make you envision the worst, but Myles is resilient. Far more so than the rest of us combined, if I'm being honest."

"Do you think they'll kill him?"

"I think anything is possible with Lawrence, but they also don't want to lose a valuable asset, and Myles is valuable. He'll do what others can't stomach, and he is loyal to Nash. Despite the feud Nash has with his father, there is still a drive for him to surround his son with strong soldiers to keep him safe. Whether Lawrence realizes it or not, he doesn't want Nash dead. He wants him to conform and get on his knees to kiss his ring. Nash dead holds no value. Myles dead holds no value. When it comes to money and power, Lawrence is predictable and will do what will garner him more."

I looked away from Liam and thought about that. I'd pictured tonight being full of rage and malice and what that would look like when Myles refused their task if it was what he suspected. Could there actually be a different outcome? It seemed too early to hope, and yet I was going to cling to it with both hands.

"Have you had your initiation," I asked.

"No."

"When is your birthday?"

"October thirteenth," he said without any emotion. I couldn't tell if he cared about it or not.

"Are you scared for your initiation?"

Liam turned his head and looked at me. "No."

"Can I ask you another question?"

"Until I leave this spot, you can ask me whatever you want."

I really wanted to say that a simple yes would've sufficed, but I kept it to myself. "Why aren't you scared?"

He shrugged. "What's the point in being scared? If I'm meant to die, then I'll be dead. It's that simple. I'm not afraid to die. I'm not even afraid of how I'll die. I am afraid of not living my life with whatever time I have left. Could be a day, a month, ten years, fifty years." He leaned back on his hands and looked up at the stars. "I'll live each day fully until I stop breathing. However, it ends."

Blinking, I stared at the side of his face. "Is that why you refused to acknowledge for so long that you and Theo were together?" Liam glanced over. "Theo told me a bit of what's going on and why things are still rocky. I may have pestered him for the answer."

"I bet you did," Liam mumbled. "No, that's not the reason, and no, I'm not answering any more questions on the topic."

I sighed and mimicked his pose, letting my head fall back so I could stare up at the dark blanket of stars. "Thank you," I said into the silence.

"For what?"

"For coming over here to check on me. I'm sorry that you feel like you're losing Theo if he's the person who keeps you grounded. But for the record, I'll say it again. I have no intention of purposely driving you two apart. If things get ruined, it's because the two of you are too stubborn, and one of you more than the other." I glanced at him from the corner of my eye as he made a huffing sound.

"For what it's worth, I don't think Nash will let any of them kill Myles. Nash hides his love and loyalty, but he wouldn't stand by and watch that happen. Theo mentioned that Nash had an idea. Whatever it is…I'd hold onto hope that it works."

It felt impossible that I had any more tears to shed. I'd been crying since the moment Myles had to leave. But they slid silently down my cheeks as I whimpered. A small sob escaped my throat as Liam put his arm around my shoulders, and I leaned my head on him.

"Thank you," I said, my throat constricted with emotion.

"You're all good, Little Rabbit. Let it out. Let it all out."

AUGUST 10 – WEDNESDAY 11:11 PM

Myles

The day had been long and grueling, and it wasn't over yet. I'd been forced to compete in extreme obstacles and even shooting challenges. Then, it was time to face my deepest fears and revisit the things that kept me awake and staring at the ceiling all night. They'd ordered me to take some drug. I didn't know which one, but I'd been tripping on it ever since. It started with seeing colors and hearing them speak to me. I really liked the color green.

After that, I was locked in a metal box with one breathing hole along the side. My nose was pressed firmly against the hole while my heart hammered out of control. The only thing that kept me calm was picturing Ren in the box with me, her arms wrapped around me while she whispered that I would be fine.

The bastards weren't even close to being done with me when they switched off the lights and left me alone with nowhere to go and only my fears for company. Recordings of a woman crying and screaming—that I would've sworn were my Ma—started playing through the speakers. If I hadn't watched her being lowered into the ground, I would've been yelling back.

I did see her body…didn't I?

Sweat dripped into my eyes, making them sting and reminding me that they were open even though I couldn't see anything but endless darkness.

"Help me, Myles. Please save me! Only you can save my life. Please help." The words were a variation of the same thing over and over again, and they were the exact blow they were meant to be, making me feel weak and useless. Of course, my da would choose her. It was an evil weapon and one that drove a stake right through my heart with each terrified wail blasted around me.

Myles, you need to do what they say.

I jumped at the whispered words in my ear, and my head slammed against the top of the box.

"Who is that? Who's there?" I whipped around, trying to see behind me in the cramped space. "How did ya get in here?"

They're going to kill ya, Myles, just like they killed me. They'll hang you up and skin you alive. Give them what they want, do what they say.

"Ma?" It couldn't be her. I squeezed my eyes shut tight and shook my head as images of my mother beckoning me to come to the house filled my mind. She smiled and waved, tapping her wrist to let me know dinner was ready. "Is that you?"

Myles, please listen ta me. They'll kill ya if you don't do it, ya need to do what they say. I'm trying to protect ya.

"This isn't real," I growled and shook as I tried to push the voice of my dead mother away. "You're not real. Go away."

I am real, and I'm trying to help ya. I dinnie want you to end up like me with a knife in yer back and a broken neck with worms eating at yer flesh.

"Stop it!" I punched the box over and over until I couldn't feel my hand anymore.

"What do you want to do today," Ma asked.

"Can we ride our bikes?"

Ma laughed and wiped her hands on her apron. "Do I really look like I'm able to sit me fat arse on a narrow bicycle seat bein' eight months heavy with yer brotha?"

I stuffed my hands in my coveralls. "Yer always sayin' that he should be fully cooked by now, and ya want him out. Maybe this will help." Ma laughed again. I loved her laugh.

"Aye, it just might, but I was thinkin' somethin' a wee bit slower pace. How about we go ta town and get ya a new pair of shoes for school?"

"Like hell ya are," Da's voice boomed as he stomped into the kitchen. I jumped and ran behind Ma. "Look at em, he's already a weak, scared wee boy. He needs to toughen up, not be pampered with new shoes that'll make his feet soft."

Da grabbed my arm, and I cried out as I tried to pull away from the firm fingers. "Da, no, please," I begged, knowing that no matter what he planned, it would end up with me punished and in pain.

"Stop, yer hurtin' him," Ma said and then yelled as Da's hand connected with her cheek. She almost fell but caught herself on the counter and held the side of her face with her other hand.

"Mind yer place woman."

"Ma." I pulled again, wanting to get to her.

"Shut up." I saw stars as the pain exploded behind my eyes, but it didn't stop me from screaming for Ma and praying that she and my brother were okay.

"Only you can save my life, Myles. Please help. All you have to do is hand yourself over. They will spare you and save my life. Be a good boy and do as I say."

"No! My ma would tell me to kill them all. Now fuck off, I'm done listenin' to ya," I growled. The past and present, real and not real, were merging into one, and I smacked at my head, trying to stop the insanity.

"Bobby Shaftoe's gone to sea silver buckles at his knee. He'll come back and marry me, bonnie Bobby Shaftoe," I sang softly. Ma sang that nursery rhyme to me every night as part of our bedtime routine. Even after Da killed her, I sang it to feel her close to me. The other voices were fake. I knew it, even if I couldn't make them stop.

"Bobby Shaftoe's tall and fair, combing down his yellow hair. He'll be mine forever more, bonnie Bobby Shaftoe." I rocked back and forth, my finger on the small breathing hole so that I didn't lose it as the lyrics tumbled from my mouth on repeat.

"Bobby Shaftoe's tall and slim, always dressed so neat and trim. The ladies, they all look at him, bonnie Bobby Shaftoe."

Something hard hit the side of the metal box. The sound reverberating had me covering my ears as my eardrums shook.

Bang, bang, bang.

The hits came faster, and I pressed the palm of my hands as tightly over my ears as I could, but my teeth rattled, and I swear my eyes and nose were bleeding. Or was I imagining that, too? Everything hurt, and I just wanted it to end.

"Please make it stop. Please make it stop."

"You know I love you, and I'll be here when you get back. You will come home," Ren said, her head on my chest and her fingers idly tracing my tattoos. One word should not hold so much weight, but the fact she equated me with home meant more than anything else she could ever say. I was her safe place. I wasn't a house. I was a home.

"Aye, I know." I shifted so I could see her face. "What's wrong, Snowflake? I mean, other than the obvious issue at hand?"

Her lips curved up, but she didn't look at me. I wanted to see her eyes. Rolling onto her stomach, she stared at me, and I would swear she was gripping my soul with both hands.

"I just want you to know that no matter what…no matter what happens, or what they do to you, don't think that I won't love you or want you. Please don't push me away. I know you'll think you're protecting me, and… promise me you won't."

Gently pushing her hair behind her ear, I cupped her face and ran my thumb over her cheek. "Ya really are as rare and unique as any snowflake that falls like tiny diamonds in the sky."

She smiled wide and gave me a little laugh, some of the worry fading. "Are you ripping off Rhianna now?"

"A poet never reveals his sources."

"I'm pretty sure that's not when that saying is to be used," she said, her eyebrow pulling up into her patented all - sass look. "Now, promise me. I know you won't break your promises, and I need to hear the words."

I sighed. "Aye, you know me well." I held up my pinky, and she locked hers with mine. "I promise to come home and not push ya away again, no matter what. I swear it on me ma's grave."

Leaning in, Ren touched her lips to mine. "I love you, Myles McCoy."

Bang, Bang, Bang.

I jerked back from the noise, grasping at the air in front of me to try and hold onto the image of Ren. And then everything was silent. The deafening quiet was worse than the recording, and my heart pounded for what was next. The click and thud against the box announced the lid opening before the rush of fresh air hit me. I sucked in a gasping breath as multiple hands grabbed me and pulled me out. The sudden brightness was blinding as my feet dragged against the floor, and I was hauled toward something wooden.

With a hard shove, I landed headfirst in ice water, screaming and jerking as my sore, stiff muscles tightened further and shocked my entire system. Every nerve ending burned as hot as fire, scorching my skin while simultaneously freezing in place. Hands yanked my head up, and water spewed from my mouth as I coughed and sucked in a small breath before being shoved back under. As I was pulled up again, my head was tilted back, and I stared at a red mask shrouded by a matching hood. He held a massive book with a skull sitting on top.

Is this real?

"Today, you are reborn. Reborn into a family that is not only tied by blood but something much stronger. Bonds that can't be broken, loyalties that will never fade. Only in death will your ties to the Ord na Rithe be severed," he said. I knew I should know the voice, but every word was like a knife to my brain as I shivered uncontrollably. "Get him out."

More hooded figures appeared, stepping out of the shadows like monsters looming and waiting to pounce. Hands gripped me and hauled my mostly naked body from the wooden tub. Water ran in streams to the floor from my head to the black shorts they'd left on me.

I'd been in this room once before, a long time ago when Da brought me in to show me around. It had been a fun experience then. Now, the black candles, whips, and knives that surrounded the dais with a girl strapped to it held all my fears. I was dropped at the foot of the raised platform. My legs couldn't hold me up, and I buckled. Laying with my face against the stone, I stared around the room at black boots and red capes that brushed against the floor.

"Get up." A voice snarled beside my ear. I knew this voice. I'd heard it in my nightmares my whole life. Rolling my eyes up to the mask my da wore, I could feel the anger and hatred without even seeing his face. "I said get up." Grabbing a fist full of my hair, he yanked my head off the stone.

"Up, up, up," the room chanted, the sound echoing in the cavernous space.

Da pulled harder, and I winced as I tried to move my arms—which I could hardly feel—to push myself up. It seemed to take forever to get on my feet, and I kept expecting a kick to the gut for taking so long to stand, but it never came, and I wobbled as I pulled myself upright.

The girl lying on the dais was wearing all white, the dress as old-fashioned and archaic as the rest of this. She was gagged, her limbs strapped down with heavy leather, and a black cloth was over her eyes. Even though she couldn't see, it was easy to tell how terrified she was as her chest rose and fell at a rapid pace.

The chanting stopped, and as it did, a man who I suspected was Lawrence walked toward me with the same book and skull. His other hand held a silver knife with a wickedly twisted blade.

"Make me a promise," Ren said, sucking in a deep breath.

"Aye, for you, I'd do anything."

"If it comes down to you or them, and you have the opportunity to kill them…do it. We'll figure out the repercussions but don't ever bow down to them. You're better than they ever could dream of becoming."

Ren's words played through my mind, my eyes trained on the blade. Aye, my Snowflake, if it comes to it, I'll tear my way out of this place to get back to you.

"Hold out your hand."

I held it out and watched how it shook in the candlelight. Anyone just seeing this would've said I was terrified. But I was no longer scared of anything other than something happening to Ren. They could do what they wanted to me, and I would die with her voice in my head and her love in my heart.

Lawrence cut my palm, and the robed man I knew to be my da held out a silver chalice. I put my hand over it, watching my blood drip into the cup. Lawrence pulled a white cloth out from inside his robe like a magician and held it between his fingers for me to take. I wrapped my hand as he dabbed his fingers into the chalice and began to draw symbols on my face. This was not what we were. We were not some secret society. We were mafia and had been for generations. The book Lawrence held had warped his power-hungry nature. Twisting it and this council into something that looked like it belonged in the Dark Ages or at a cult ritual. This was why I didn't long for things like power. It always turned into something dark that ate at a brain like a worm until there was nothing left but rot.

Once he was finished, the knife was taken away, and Lawrence held his hand out toward the girl. "This is your final task. Take her and then kill her. Once your task is complete, you will officially become a King."

I was already a king, just not one of theirs, and I never would be. I looked at Lawrence and then around at the others before locking eyes with my father, who would've been the one to choose my final task. I hated him. The pieces that he'd killed in me were already too much. I'd never let him carve more from my soul.

"No."

There was a soft collective gasp, but no one moved.

"This is not a democracy. You perform your final task, or there is no need of you in this order. You will be cut down."

"So be it. I won't be rapin' an innocent just so you can get yer rocks off watching," I growled, and Lawrence's gloved hand cracked me across the face. The blow rocked my head to the side, but I stood my ground.

"You will do it. Do not disgrace your family name," Da said, taking the mask off like that was supposed to intimidate me.

"No."

"Then you'll die." He pulled a gun from inside his robes and pointed it at me. I smiled. No fear. Never. Again.

"Then I'll die," I said. This was it the moment of trust.

"Wait," Ethan's voice called out, and everyone turned to look at him as he walked forward, taking off his mask and pushing the red hood back.

Ma if you can hear me, please let this work.

"Stay out of this. He's not your child," Da snarled.

"True, he's not, but he is one of Nash's knights and has proven to be extremely loyal and useful. I vote that we have him do a task that betters the council in some way."

"This is helping the council. Myles needs to prove he will do anything asked of him at any time. If he cannot perform this task, then how do we know he won't refuse something else?"

"I hear your argument. But we choose the final task, which means you have the power to change it. Have him do something that will not only prove his loyalty to the cause but will also send a message to those who threaten our doors," Ethan said, folding his hands in front of his robe. "Raping this girl and killing her fulfills one goal, not two."

Lawrence touched Da's arm, and he lowered the gun but glared at me with murder in his eyes.

"I'm listening. What do you have in mind," Lawrence asked.

"If I'm not mistaken, there is a certain family in Ireland who broke a deal with you and therefore not only humiliated the McCoy name but also the power of this council."

I swallowed hard as the three men looked back and forth between themselves.

"You're right, there is," Da said, his face softening from murder but shifting into a cold and evil glint. "Alright, I'll change the task if the majority agrees," Da said, and all but a few raised their hands. "Fine, it's settled. I'll assign you a new task, but if you refuse this, then I will shoot you through the eye right now."

"Aye, I understand."

"Good. Then, your new task will be to go to Ireland and wipe out the McBride family. I want that bitch Fiona's head along with her father's on a pike."