22. Rhys

ThismorningIfelt like my world was falling apart, then this afternoon, it no longer felt so bleak. Chatting with Shaun on the phone lifted my spirits, as well as the whole mum and dad thing with Will. I’d always called them by their first name, yet Charlotte and the twins always referred to them as mum and dad. Well, except for when Char is being a bitch, she calls them by their first name then.

It’s nice to know they like me calling them my parents instead of foster parents or by their first name. I’m not foolish enough to think they’re going to adopt me, just like they did with Charlotte when she was sixteen. I’m well aware that I age out next year, and there’s a big chance I’ll be shown the door to go and make my own way in the world. Cin and Will are decent people, though. They’ll probably let me finish year 12 before sending me packing.

I arrive at Lexi’s a little after five. She shows me around her new house and is so excited about the possibility of her mum buying it from the landlord. Her mum, Ruth, never used to be much of a mum to Lexi. There’s a dark fucked up story in their past that Lexi doesn’t like to talk about, but somehow they both came out the other end better off. Now Ruth dotes on Lexi, so when I show up for a sleepover, she cooks us dinner and fusses over us until Lexi reminds her about the date she needs to get ready for. Ruth is seeing one of the police officers that helped them when Lexi’s dad and brother were trying to kill them. It’s so nice to see things finally looking up for the West women. They both deserve happiness after being through the nightmare they’d been living.

“So, Shaun, hey?” Lexi wags her brows. “I’m guessing he has a pretty cock.”

I burst out laughing. Lexi had been so vanilla when we first got acquainted. She’d been shocked at my revelation that I only fuck guys with pretty cocks, which basically translates to guys that are circumcised. I remember wishing I could be her or any normal seventeen-year-old girl. To be vanilla at our age is to be inexperienced. I wonder what it would be like to not know so much about sex? Or what it’d be like to share my first time with someone I care about as much as Lexi and Ayden care about each other. I imagine having a guy see you naked for the first time must be a really big deal.

“You know it.” I flash my teeth, pushing my thoughts down. “It’s so fucking pretty, Lex. Like lickably pretty.”

“Oh my God, I didn’t need to know that!” Lexi’s eyes widen as her face turns bright red.

“Yes, you did. Don’t pretend you don’t want to know. Bossi is a work of art. As if you haven’t wondered what he looks like naked.” I tease, and her blush deepens.

Shit, I’d forgotten how fun it is to stir Lexi up. She’s like the classic girl next door, but with the incredible hulk hibernating inside her. She’s a tough bitch, that’s for sure, yet still has the most beautiful soul you have ever seen. Lexi has a purity about her that I’m envious of. Not like the virgin Mary kind of purity, but the purity of a saint. She’s good people—the best.

“Fine, there’s not a single girl at FPC that hasn’t thought about that, Rhys. He’s our Spanish Casanova, after all.”

This time I blush. Like, what the actual fuck? Just the mention of Casanova and my cheeks are heating.

“Oh my God! You like him!” Lexi blurts. “Like… you like him, like him.”

“Ok, calm down. Sure, I like him. Duh! He has a pretty cock, remember?”

“Uh-uh. It has nothing to do with sex, Rhys.”

I duck my eyes away from her assessing blue gaze and stare at my fidgeting fingers in my lap. We’re sitting on Lexi’s bed, a bowl of Sour Patch Kids in between us and Paramore playing quietly in the background. I focus on that instead of my racing heart. I focus on the cosy feel of Lexi’s attic bedroom. It’s so different from her bedroom at her old house. There was no personality in that bedroom. It was as if she were just a guest in that house, not wanting to add her personal touch to anything.

Much like my own bedroom.

“Rhys?” Lexi gains my attention again, and I reluctantly lift my eyes to hers. She’s such a beauty. Her natural golden blonde waves and blue eyes are hard to not stare at. She’s such a contrast to me and my darkness.

“I really fucked up, Lex,” I admit, letting my shame and guilt come to the surface. “I don’t understand what’s happening. Why do these guys have such an effect on me? I thought it was just sex, you know? Thought it was harmless fun.” I sigh, my shoulders dropping as I start combing my fingers through my hair, loving that I’ve gone the whole day without wearing it up in the buns. “I didn’t mean to feel something for them. It’s ridiculous to care about so many guys at once.”

“How many guys are we talking about exactly?” Lexi grins mischievously, and I roll my eyes.

“Definitely three, possibly four. Fuck, maybe five.”

“Holy shit! Who?” Lexi’s blue eyes dance in excitement. “Who are the definitely’s?”

“Shaun, obviously. And Marcus, although I can probably rule him out because he hates me.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that. Marcus is just angry and confused.”

“Angry? He smashed up the office yesterday, Lexi.”

She cringes, “Ok, so more than angry then. But you know him, Rhys. You know how big his heart is. He’s hurting. Bad. I know he knew you didn’t want anything serious, but he obviously still believed he could win you.”

“I know.” I shake my head, looking back down at my fingers in my lap. “I may have spoken the words and said we couldn’t be a thing and that I didn’t want a relationship. But he could see the contradiction in my eyes. It has to be why he didn’t give up trying. Right?”

“Maybe.” Lexi shrugs. “But you admitting that you like him and Shaun, more than just a hook up means something, Rhys. Wait… Who’s the third guy?”

“What?” I frown, and she giggles.

“You said that there were definitely three guys you feel something for. Who’s the third? Is it Simon?”

Oh shit. Why didn’t I think about her wanting details? I can’t tell her about number three. Tyler. Or could I? She doesn’t know him as anything but Mr Foster.

“Oh. It’s this other guy. He’s a bit older. Doesn’t go to school. His name is Tyler.”

“Tyler. Ooooh, tell me about Tyler.” Lexi wags her brows, and I can’t hold back my grin.

“He’s one of those guys that come across as dark and mysterious. Maybe even a little scary, like he might have a bad temper, but when you get to know him, you realise he’s not scary at all. Sure, he likes to be dominating, and I fucking love being a brat because it riles him up, but there’s also this almost possessively caring side to him. Like he would hurt anyone that hurts me. I’m still trying to figure out if he’s like that because he cares about me or if he’s just like an overprotective big brother.”

“That you fuck?” Lexi confirms.

“That I fuck.”

Lexi grins at that.

“So, who is number four and five?”

I roll my eyes. “So nosey, Lexi.”

She giggles, “Hell yes, I am. You’re my best friend, aren’t you?”

I flash my teeth, “Yes, my queen, I am your best friend.”

At my tease, Lexi slaps my shoulder. “Stop trying to distract me. Who are the other two? Is it Simon and Garrett? You said something was happening with them when we spoke yesterday.”

I nod. “Yep. Simon isn’t backing off, and to be honest, I don’t think I want him to. Garrett though… I’m not sure. We haven’t crossed any lines. Kinda. Sorta. Well, maybe a little, but I’ve had some pretty deep and meaningfuls with him. There’s more to that guy than the brooding hulk he looks like.”

“Sure is. He’s had a tough life and carries some dark secrets. His mum is lovely, and his younger sisters are adorable.” Lexi smiles. “So even though you and Garrett haven’t done… more, you still like him?”

“Yes,” I whisper, feeling my face heat at the admission. I feel like I’m in third grade. This feelings stuff really isn’t me.

“So, you have yourself a reverse harem. Just like those books you got me into.” Lexi beams, bouncing on the spot with her legs crossed.

“Hardly. One guy hates me and will never be happy with sharing me. Another guy is too old to want to deal with these high school games, and another guy probably has no interest in me. Shaun and Simon hardly make a reverse harem.”

“It’s a start!” Lexi squeals doing some weird shimmy thing with her shoulders. I roll my eyes.

“I’m normally the hyped up one in this relationship, Lexi. What are you on?”

“I’m high on life, Rhys!”

“Bullshit. You’re still high from riding Ayden’s cock before I came over earlier, aren’t you?”

“Maybe!” She laughs, and while she’s distracted, I lift the pillow next to me and whack her shoulder with it.

“Oh! It’s like that, is it?” Lexi grins, and her face turns mischievous. Then she picks up her pillow and slogs me over the head.

And… then it’s on. With laughter filling the room, we pelt each other with the pillows, standing on the bed and spilling the bowl full of lollies. It’s fun and light-hearted and exactly what I need.

We are both puffing in exhaustion when Lexi’s phone rings, and she coughs a few times from laughing so much before answering it. I suck in air, trying to calm my racing heart and plonk my arse back down on the bed as I hear one side of Lexi’s phone conversation.

“Hey… What?… Ayden, I told you we are having a girl’s night… I know. I miss you too.” That last part is whispered, but I still hear it. “He is?… Oh.”

Lexi leaps off the bed, skipping to the attic window that looks out over the little courtyard at the back of the house.

“Ahhh, give me a sec.” She turns to face me, lowering the phone from her ear.

“Marcus is here. He wants to talk to you.”

My mouth drops open because I definitely wasn’t expecting that. With how angry Marcus had been yesterday, I assumed it would take days, or maybe even weeks before he’d want to talk to me again. And frankly, I’m pissed at him too. He fucking hurt Shaun. He smashed up the school office, and I spent an hour trying to convince my mum not to press charges when the cops arrived. Even though all that happened, I know we need to talk properly, without all the screaming.

“Yeah, ok.” My voice lacks any real confidence, and Lexi notices.

“Rhys, I can tell them to go away. You don’t have to see him if you don’t want to.”

“I know. I need to speak with him, though. If he’s calm and not going to smash up your house, then I’ll talk to him.”

“If he tries to damage anything on my property, I will kick his fucking arse!” Lexi hisses, and my grin returns. There’s that fire I love about this girl.

“Agreed,” I say, and she smiles, putting the phone back to her ear.

“She will talk to him, but you fuckers can stay outside. Light the fire pit. We’ll be down soon.” Lexi hangs up and strides over to me before pulling me into a hug. I sink into it, letting myself take the comfort she’s offering. I’m not normally so fragile, and Lexi knows that. She knows what I need right now.

We take our sweet time before heading down to the courtyard. Even though Lexi begs me to leave my hair down and keep my face makeup-free, I paint black liner around my eyes and twist my hair into buns, although a little messier than usual. Then I glide on my black lipstick and instantly feel comfortable seeing Marcus.

He’s never seen me without makeup or my hair down. Not even with all the sex we had, did he ever see me natural. I prefer it that way. I like people seeing me in my war paint. I feel too vulnerable without it. Even when Tyler walked into the barn on Wednesday night before the Feast, I almost screamed at him to leave because my face was naked. How screwed up is that? I’ll open my legs for him, let him see everything there, yet showing my natural face makes me uneasy.

Yeah. I’m fucked up!

The small courtyard at the back of Lexi’s house is paved with old bricks, and the fence is lined with some sort of green plant with white flowers. I don’t know what they are. I’m no gardener!

In the centre of the courtyard is a small fire pit with four timber bench seats surrounding it, and overhead are pretty warm lights that dangle from a black cable. It feels so serene. Peaceful. That is, until I spot Marcus on the other side of the fire pit, shuffling nervously as he waits.

Ayden spots us coming first like Lexi is some kind of beacon to him, and a moment later, Marcus glances up from studying the flames in the pit to lock eyes with me. I don’t know what I expected, but the sad regret isn’t it. I guess I thought he’d still be angry, maybe even have steam shooting from his ears. But there’s none of that now. My Marcus is hurting.

Ayden bypasses me, taking Lexi’s hand to lead her over to the back veranda of the house while I keep my eyes on Marcus as he slowly walks around the fire pit. With a nervousness I’m not used to seeing, Marcus gestures to one of the bench seats, so I sit down at the same time he does, only a few feet between us.

Marcus opens his mouth to speak, but then he snaps it shut. He does this two more times before he shakes his head, dropping his eyes to the fire, and rakes his hand through his dark hair.

“Marcus,” I whisper, not able to speak louder with the lump forming in my throat. He glances back to me, his eyes two pools of dark pain.

“I’m so fucking sorry, Rhys.” There is so much anguish laced in his words that it physically hurts, a sharp pain stabbing the centre of my chest.

“I’m sorry too.” I choke out. “I wanted to tell you, which I know is strange, but it felt weird not sharing things with you.” I try to keep my eyes on his, but he can’t maintain eye contact. He looks away.

“Was I imagining it?” He asks, turning those brown pools back to me.

“Imagining what?”

“That you actually liked me? More than just someone to fuck?” His eyes swim with the agony I can hear in his tone. All I want to do is reach for him and pull him close.

“I did like you. I mean, I do like you, Marcus. More than I want.”

His eyes flare at my words, darting over my face as he studies me.

“So, it wasn’t just one-sided?”

Fuck. What have I done to this poor guy?

I shake my head. “No, Marcus. I care about you so much it hurts.”

In a quick move, Marcus shuffles towards me, taking my hands in his.

“Then why did you push me away? Why don’t you want a relationship with me?”

As guilt wracks me, my eyes drop from his, not wanting to see the hope in them because what I’m about to tell him will change all of that.

“I’m a sex addict, Marcus.”

“What?” His tone forces me to look back into those dark pools swimming with confusion.

“I don’t do relationships because I am addicted to sex. Usually with different people. Sometimes with multiple people at the same time.”

And there it is written across his face—the disgust.

I look away. I can’t bear to see him look at me like that.

“What?” He whispers.

I keep my eyes on our hands, still clasped together. “I can’t be monogamous, Marcus. As much as I care about you, and as much as I love the way you make me feel in bed, there’s always going to be a part of me that is seeking out my next fuck.” Biting back tears, I glance up at him through my lashes. “I wish I wasn’t like this, but I am. I’m into some pretty dirty stuff, and you…” I bite my bottom lip as my eyes well with tears, “You are just too kind. Too good to be dragged into my world.”

“But… What about Bossi? He’s good enough?”

I sigh. “Bossi and I aren’t in a relationship, Marcus. I’ve already told you I can’t do that.”

“So, it’s just fucking? You and him is just about the sex?”

“Yes… no. Fuck.” I stand up abruptly, dropping his hands, knowing I’m making no sense.

“Well, what is it then? Yes or no?” Marcus stands too, balling his fists at his sides.

I tip my head back, looking up into the dark sky. There’s still a hint of the sunset that pinked the rooftops earlier, but mostly, there are stars starting to twinkle. Sighing, I drop my gaze back to Marcus. He hasn’t taken his eyes off me. He’s studying me. Every move I make. Every expression that crosses my face.

“I don’t know what it is. All I know is I have these feelings I haven’t had before. For you. For him. For… someone else. I’m not normal, Marcus. I’m never going to be normal.” I take a step closer, relieved when he doesn’t back away. “And I don’t think you can do anything but normal. Monogamous. It’s not a bad thing. In fact, I wish I could be that way, so fucking much. But I can’t.”

He’s quiet as his eyes stay locked on mine. It makes me uneasy the longer he doesn’t say anything. I can see the wheels in his head working. Processing.

Then he speaks.

“So Bossi is ok with you not being monogamous?”

I shrug. “I don’t know. He said he’d share me. I’m not sure what that means and how serious he is about what we have.”

Sighing, Marcus drops his chin to his chest, his shoulders sagging as defeat washes over him.

I’m a bitch. A fucking good for nothing worthless piece of shit. I’ve never deserved Marcus. He’s way too good for me.

“How did you two hook up in the first place?” Marcus asks, his eyes peering up at me through his dark lashes.

“A sex party,” I whisper, and his eyes widen as he lifts his head.

“A sex party?”

I nod. “Yes. I’ve been going to sex parties for a couple of years now. I stopped when we were together, but I started going again. Shaun was there when I went back.”

“A sex party?” Marcus asks again, and I nod again. “You go to sex parties?” The disbelief in his tone makes me wonder if he ever really knew me at all. “You asked me about going to a sex party once… you asked if I’d care if I saw you fucking someone else.”

“Yeah, and you were pissed that I asked that question.”

“I remember.” He grunts, crossing his arms over his chest. “Why did you ask me that?”

“I was testing the waters. I wanted to see if there was ever a chance you’d be into it.” Feeling a little cold, I move towards the fire, which is burning well now. A quick glance over my shoulder, and I see Lexi straddling Ayden’s lap in the shadows of the veranda, their lips locked in a heavy make-out session.

“So, you were hoping I’d be into going to a sex party, where you would fuck other people in addition to me?” When I nod, he continues, “And what? I’d fuck other people too? And you’d be ok with that?”

I shrug. “Yeah. Those parties have nothing to do with personal feelings or attraction. Just sex. Doing things you may not normally do. It’s a place of freedom without judgement to explore desires. Then afterwards, you go home and be more… normal, I guess.”

“And you fuck multiple people at these sex parties? Like at once or…”

I bite back my grin because now isn’t the time for my head to be conjuring up images of Marcus and orgies, but it’s hard not to when I’m looking at him, and we are talking about this, and he sounds so adorable right now. Like a kid asking how a fire truck works.

“Yes. I fuck multiple people at the parties. Sometimes one on one with others in the room, sometimes others join in.”

He frowns. “Both guys and chicks?”

I smile. “Marcus, you do remember me kissing Lexi at that party last term, right? You and the caveman over there dragged us out, throwing us over your shoulders like we were sacks of potatoes.” I point my thumb over my shoulder in the general direction of Ayden.

“I remember,” he grins, “That was the first night we slept together.”

“It was.” I smile too, but the moment his smile drops, so does mine.

“So, you’re like… bisexual?”

I shrug, “I guess. I don’t know exactly. I prefer dick, but sex is sex, and sometimes it’s a real turn-on being with another girl.”

“Shit.” Marcus spins away from me, dragging his hand through his hair again.

I stay put next to the fire, giving him this moment he needs. When I realise he’s not going to turn back to me anytime soon, I turn and face the fire, raising my hands out in front to warm them. Lexi and Ayden aren’t lip locked anymore, but they are talking quietly. Those two are so into each other. I could say it’s sickening, but it’s not. It’s fucking beautiful. I wish so much that I could have something like that.

“I wish you had told me all of this sooner. You know, about you and your… addiction.”

Glancing up, Marcus’ eyes pierce mine as he stands next to me, facing the fire.

“I know I should have. It’s a secret I didn’t want anyone to know about, but lately, things have gotten out of control. It kind of came out whether or not I wanted it to.” I sigh, “I’m so sorry, Marcus. I never wanted to hurt you. I never wanted to come between you and your friends.”

Marcus turns to face me then, the flicker of the fire dancing off his olive skin. Lifting his hand, he brushes the backs of his fingers over the bruise on my cheek.

“I never wanted to hurt you either, Rhee.”

With one last intense gaze into my eyes, Marcus drops his hand from my face, turns his back on me and walks out the gate, leaving me standing alone by the fire.