CHAPTER 5

Micah

In the afterglow of a life changing orgasm, I rested against Bash and listened to his heartbeat slow down and return to normal. I never in my wildest fantasies imagined that Bash and I would have hooked up.I was still trying to wrap my head around the fact that my best friend, the number one person in my life, had taken me apart piece by piece with his mouth, tongue, and hands until I was a boneless heap under him, practically panting for more.

Sweet shitballs, I had sex with Bash…

I mean, it wasn't really sex, but he had blasted me into the stratosphere with that powerful hand of his until I had shot my release all over him.So it like…counted.I was still covered in the mess we made, but the thought of wiping off the proof of what we did made my stomach curdle.Like if I cleaned myself off, it would somehow erase what we had just shared. It was the wet, sticky confirmation that in some way, Bash had wanted me badly enough that he couldn't hold himself back.

I closed my eyes, soaking in the peaceful moment before we'd have to wipe ourselves off and get ready for bed, but I wasn't entirely prepared for what came next.Where did we go from there?I mean, would Bash want to start something with me, or was this all influenced by Jose Cuervo, or whatever the fuck he had drowned himself in at the party?

If he tried to take it back and say he just got caught up in the moment, I think I would literally die.I don't know if there would be a way back for us from that. I had spent years steeling myself against the depth of my feelings for Bash, knowing full well that I did a piss poor job sometimes of hiding how I felt about him, but he had never seemed to notice.Even tonight, he hadn't asked me about my feelings for him beyond making sure I was giving consent for us to throw down in the sack together.Not that there was ever a chance of me saying no to him because my good judgment had noped the fuck out of there the instant his lips landed on mine.

Lord have mercy, that man can fucking KISS…my lips are still tingling.

Come to think of it though, Bash had never mentioned having any feelings for me either.He had said I felt good, tasted good, and that he wanted me (and let's not forget how easily he had called me baby because…damn), but he had never said he liked me or even thought of me as more than his best friend.

Yes, I know very well that we didn't really have the capacity to talk out our feelings in that moment, but still! Now that everything had settled and we were no longer swept up in the ecstasy of it all, I desperately needed to know what he was thinking…what he was feeling.But maybe that started with telling him my own feelings.

"Bash? There's something I need to tell you…" I started quietly, torn between just flinging the words at him so I didn't back out, and stuffing them down deep where they'd never see the light of day.

At first, I didn't think he heard me, but after a little bit he softly asked, "What is it, M?"

Okay…so I guess "baby" is taking a back seat now. Trying not to be salty about that one…

"I don't really know how to say all this and it's honestly so stupid…but…" The words stuck in my throat and I closed my eyes and tried to force them out anyway. Come on, you can fucking do this. Just say it! Elsa that shit and let it go!

"Bash, I…I've been into you as more than a best friend for a while.I don't entirely know when it happened, but I've loved you for a long time now and…I guess I figured you had a right to know after what just happened.I didn't want to keep it from you anymore, especially because what we did was everything I could have ever hoped for. It was honestly…perfect.I just…yeah, I just needed you to know that," I said in a quiet rush of words.There was a part of me that deflated in relief to finally tell him what had been in my heart for years, but a much larger, louder part of me was screaming inside that I had just made a huge mistake.

I tensed up waiting for his response, but it never came. "Bash? Did you hear me?" I asked carefully.When I still didn't hear anything from him, I tilted my head back to look up at him.

Bash was fast asleep and breathing softly.He hadn't heard a single word.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.Relief and sadness flooded my body in equal measure at the fact that he didn't know what I had said to him.Maybe it would be better said in the morning anyway when we were both less drunk off of booze and each other.

I pulled out of his arms as cautiously as I could so I didn't wake him up, wet a washcloth in my bathroom, and wiped myself off.Each pass of the cloth on my skin was an abrasive eraser, scrubbing away all evidence of mine and Bash's passion. As I rinsed the cloth to go clean him off too, I couldn't help but feel that all my hopes of this working out for the better went down the drain with it.

*****

I woke up the next morning to direct sunlight spilling onto the bed and hitting me in the face, and I recoiled from it. I had evidently shifted in the night and was curled up on my side away from Bash, facing my window. My body felt bereft of his touch now, and disappointment simmered just under my skin.

I stretched out a bit and then groaned painfully as a headache that could split my skull hit me out of nowhere. And this, my dear hoes and bros, is why I do not drink to excess!

I knew I would regret that last Vodka Tonic I had because I was a ridiculous lightweight, but after the lusty events that transpired last night, I thought I had sobered up enough that I wouldn't hit "Hangover City" this morning.

Hopes. Dashed.

I gingerly turned over to face Bash, seeing him still deep in sleep with his brow slightly furrowed like he was in the midst of an unpleasant dream. I took the opportunity to study his features like this with my newfound eyes that came from knowing Bash far more intimately than before. Now, I knew what he kissed like, how he tasted, the feel of his rough hands, and the noises he made when he came. Damn it, those thoughts did nothing to tame my morning wood, which was already at a half salute. Maybe Bash would be up for a repeat?

Before I could even entertain that idea, I had to know where we officially stood now. Yet there was a hole in my gut that foreshadowed something I don't think I was equipped to handle, but there was no getting around it. Either we talked this out and went from there, or…well, the "or" I really couldn't think about. I needed to bite the bullet and talk to him.

I timidly nudged his shoulder a bit in an effort to wake him. "Bash? BB, you gotta wake up," I crooned softly.

Bash grumbled a bit and shifted in bed a little before his eyes slowly opened. When the harsh light stung his eyes, he shut them fast and moaned as he turned his head away. "Geez, since when is sunlight so fucking bright?" he complained.

I smirked at his comment and retorted, "I think the tequila you pounded last night enhances the effect. It's one of the lesser known benefits of it, or so I'm told."

Bash huffed out a quick laugh at my silly sarcasm, and rolled his head back to face the ceiling, his eyes remaining closed. "Damn, I have a wicked hangover. What the fuck happened last night?"

My face scrunched up in confusion, and cold dread licked at my consciousness. "What do you mean what happened, BB?" I questioned.

"I mean what happened at the party? I remember a couple of things, but it's basically one big blur. How did we get back to your dorm?" Bash asked bemusedly.

Holy. Fucking. Shit. That's not fucking possible.

"Wait, you…you don't remember last night?" Oh God, please don't let this be happening…

Bash's face contorted a bit, like he was scraping his memory for anything familiar. "I think…I remember getting there and saving you from that Lex douche, and then I remember us dancing, but…that's kind of where it gets fuzzy. I have a weird memory of us fighting or something, but I don't know what that would be about."

I was struggling to breathe. My brain had glitched out and was laboring to make sense of what he was telling me. He didn't remember? He didn't remember any of the touches, kisses, or words we had said to each other? He forgot it all? Oh fuck, I am going to be sick…

"So…" I croaked, but I was having difficulty finding my voice. "So what was the last thing you remember exactly? Do you remember anything when we came back to my room?" I held my breath, praying to any God that would hear me to not let this be happening to me, to us.

Bash's eyebrows crashed together and he looked at me through foggy eyes that seemed slightly unfocused. "The last thing I really remember was dancing with you and pulling you out of the house. I kind of recall sitting on the couch, but after that it's a blank. Did I…did I call you "baby" when we were dancing?" he warily asked.

I tried my hardest not to let the desolation I felt sweep across my face, so in an effort to hide it from him I scrubbed my hand over my face and turned on my back to face the ceiling. "Umm…yeah, you did, but it's not a big deal," I told him. "You were pretty wasted, so I figured it was just the alcohol."

I was excruciatingly aware of the nausea creeping up my throat at the turn this conversation took, and I was using all my mental energy to make sure I didn't vomit in bed. That would be a fun one to explain to him.

"Oh shit, MM, I'm so sorry if I made you uncomfortable…fuck, you know I run off at the mouth when I drink sometimes. Was that what our fight was about?" Bash asked with genuine concern and remorse coloring his words.

Oh fuck, I couldn't do this. I launched off the bed and ran into my bathroom, slamming the door behind me and barely making it to the toilet before the contents of my stomach came up violently. My body was wracked with the force behind it, and I broke down in quiet tears, hoping against hope he couldn't hear my sobs. After I dragged myself to my feet and rinsed out my mouth in the sink, an apprehensive knock came at the bathroom door.

"MM, you okay? Are you sick?" Bash called out to me. I breathed in deep, trying to steady myself enough to not raise any suspicion in him. "Yeah, I…I'm good, it's just the drinks coming back up. You know I'm a shitty drinker," I awkwardly joked.

I looked at my reflection in the mirror, barely recognizing the poor idiot looking back at me. The idiot who allowed himself to think for even a minute that his best friend would suddenly turn around and want to be with him romantically. The poor sap who had let his better judgment fly out the window and didn't think twice before falling into bed with the single human being he couldn't live without. Oh wait…that's just me.

Another wave of tears came over me and I turned on the sink to drown out the sound so Bash wouldn't hear me. His voice came through the door again, "Okay…do you need anything or want me to help? You know I'm here for you, MM."

For some reason, that only made the tears fall harder and I willed myself to respond to him as confidently as I could. "No, all good. Promise. I'll be right out." I don't know how I managed to form any words through the devastation swarming my insides, but it worked because Bash just told me to take my time and then we could maybe grab breakfast before he had to head out to see his parents.

Perhaps for the first time in the near decade that we"d been friends, I had no interest in being around him. His very presence in my room right now was like a siren blaring in my ear, loudly reminding me that all we had shared together was nothing more than a forgotten memory, an evanescent moment in time that only I held close, refusing to let it go. I would hold it in my heart like a cherished treasure until one day something would come along and replace it without it tearing a hole in the very fabric of my being.

However, today was not that day. Today, I needed to clear my head and my heart and prepare myself to face the day with my best friend and the new future that I now knew without a doubt wouldn't include an "us". Not in that way because all Bash would ever be was my best friend.

I had to accept that indisputable fact and do something I had never quite managed to do in eight, long years.

Move on.