CHAPTER 20

Bastian

Coward. That single word lodged itself in my head and needled at my conscience all morning long after Micah stormed out. He hadn"t said it, but he didn"t need to. We both thought it. I felt so fucking guilty for once again ruining what had been a beautiful thing between us, and it was all because I was too much of a coward to defy my dad, even for Micah.

What he wanted me to do wasn"t crazy, and it was everything I wanted to have with him and more. I wanted the two of us, together and happy without any baggage, secrets, or complications. I had always known Micah deserved an unconditional love with someone who would love him large and loud, out in the open where he could be claimed for the world to see. I felt it in my bones that I was that man for him. He owned my very soul, and I wouldn"t have blinked twice about coming out as being his.

It was a strange sensation to not feel any hesitation about labeling myself as bisexual or gay because it didn"t really make a difference. There would be no other guys or girls for the label to matter since Micah was it for me. It didn"t phase me that I had always thought I was straight and that"s how people saw me. Now, I just wanted to be Micah"s, whatever that entailed.

But it would never be fair of me to keep him a hidden secret, a lover that I kept in the shadows while Ainsley could parade me around in public for the sake of her greed and my father"s threats. I couldn"t find a reasonable way out where they were concerned, but hell if I was going to give Micah up again.

I had finally tasted him again, heard his moans, felt his skin on mine, and drawn pleasure from us both that had the fibers of my being unraveling and weaving back together with Micah"s essence. He was in my head, my heart, my body, and entangled with every inch of me.

It had hurt on a visceral level to see how upset he was with me and my insistence that I couldn"t dump Ainsley, not without serious repercussions. I couldn"t tell him the full story when he asked. Something held me back, and maybe it was because I was too ashamed or didn"t want him to know and try to convince me there was a way. His persistent positivity and need to solve problems was one of the many reasons I had fallen for him, but I was almost powerless against it.

If he had pressed hard enough, he would have had me throwing caution to the wind and risking everything, and my mom would pay the price. So I held back, but I hated that I made him doubt how much I truly wanted him. He thought I would let him go because I wouldn"t take a stand against Ainsley and my dad, but he was wrong.

I couldn"t turn my back on him again, so if there was a way, I"d fucking find it.

I thought of how I could evade my dad"s threats regarding Micah and my mom. His subtle remarks about being the financial backer for my education was near inconsequential in the bigger scheme of things. I"d take out a hundred loans if I had to just to be free of him, but that was only one piece of the fucked up puzzle he had laid out for me.

Micah might have been right that I was being paranoid about a call my dad could make to the dean. My dad was an influential man, but he wasn"t yet an elected Representative despite his success in the polls, so maybe I was overestimating his reach. UT wasn"t just going to expel Micah simply because my dad said so, right? Unless he planted some evidence that could get Micah expelled…or arrested. Of course, we could go to the dean first and explain the situation, warn him before my dad got to him, but what if they didn"t believe us? Fuck, I"m so in my head over this shit it"s becoming impossible to think clearly.

Despite the fact that the threat against Micah might have had a plausible solution, that wasn"t even the biggest concern. I couldn"t ignore the danger my dad posed to my mom, especially with how vulnerable she could be when her depression was bad. It would be different if my mom hadn"t had documented mental health problems that went back years.

I had researched into the matter, reading as much as I could about involuntary commitment in Texas, trying to find some way around it. Unfortunately, it seemed fairly hopeless and, when you factored in the corrupt power my father wielded, impossible. I believed him when he said he could keep her locked up for good because getting her admitted was the hard part. Once she was in, he could ensure she remained so drugged and catatonic that no one would ever see her as healthy enough for release. There were no guarantees that I could even find a way to get her released, or warn someone about what dad was doing. I couldn"t be sure that any plans to circumvent him would work, and that wasn"t a risk I was willing to take.

The real fucking kicker was that Ainsley was the weak link, the kink in my chain against my father. The only way he would discover any subterfuge on my part was through that venomous bitch. If she suspected that Micah and I were together, she"d send one text to him and my mom"s freedom would be on the line.

Micah thought I was being a coward by staying with her, but he didn"t get that I was a coward without options. Telling him would possibly help him comprehend the true shit that I was wrestling with, but it wouldn"t change anything and he"d just insist on finding a way to fix it.

Some impossible way that didn"t exist without significant risk to my mom, and I wasn"t willing to be that selfish, even for my sweet Micah. There had to be some solution that allowed me to be with him and mitigate the danger to my mother. I"d find it, come hell or high water.

My phone rang out from my bedroom, and I ran to grab it, thinking it was maybe Micah needing me. Disappointment hit me like a brick to the head when I saw it was only Nate. I contemplated not answering it, but I couldn"t afford to be a dick to one of my only friends.

"Hey Nate, what"s up?"

"Hey, can I swing by? I have something I need to talk to you about," Nate said, sounding oddly winded.

"Look man, it"s not a good time…" I began to say, but Nate cut in.

"Seriously B, I wouldn"t ask it if it wasn"t important. You"re gonna want to hear this," Nate said, something in his tone that had my curiosity peaking.

"Why can"t you just tell me now, dude?"

"Ugh, too long, too complicated. Look, I"m just coming over, so fucking deal with it. See you in five!" Nate retorted, and I rolled my eyes at his sass.

This better be fucking good.

*****

Nate showed up to the apartment not even five minutes later, pushing his way inside before the door was even fully open and vibrating with impatience.

"Gee, Nate, come on in. Make yourself at home," I quipped, but he ignored my sarcasm and just looked at me exasperatedly.

"Dude, shut up and listen. Like I said, this is important!" Nate"s eyes widened on me like he was waiting for verbal confirmation that I was giving him my rapt attention.

"Yeah yeah, I"m with you. Just tell me already," I waved a hand at him to continue, moving to sit on the couch while he launched into his story.

"Alright, so I was talking to this friend I have on the football team and just asking him how his break was going, did he have any good hookup stories lately, blah blah blah. He started to tell me about this one chick he met recently at that Delt party back at Halloween. Blond, nice rack, and legs for days—he was going on and on about her," Nate rambled, even going so far as to use hand gestures to elaborate.

My own impatience grew as I fought to find the point to his inane story, but I waited for him to continue.

"Anyway, so while he was telling me about her and how freaky she was in the sack, he then got onto the subject of crazy ass girls and the things they"d do for a good banging, you know? He started sharing that his best friend on the baseball team also met a girl that night, and apparently, she is fucking cuckoo for cocoa puffs, so I just had to hear the details!"

Annoyance started to simmer under the surface, and I was starting to think I couldn"t find his point with a fucking compass and a map. "Dude, where are you going with this shit? I thought you said it was important," I huffed irritably.

"Hey, don"t interrupt. It"s rude. Also I"m getting there, so press pause on the "tude, okay?" Nate rolled his eyes at me. "Where was I?…Right! So, he went off about how his friend"s new chick was all over him, getting clingy, saying she was pent up and unsatisfied by her own man, and even started sending him nudes and sexting him in the middle of class. Like, she wouldn"t even leave him alone after he asked her to stop! Just kept texting him pictures and begging him to come over—she was fully dickmatized," Nate chuckled, and I finally snapped.

"NATE! Is there a fucking point to all of this?" I snapped, needing him to tell me why this was so pressing that he had to bother me with it. This wasn"t what I needed right now.

"Ugh, okay! I"ll fast forward! I ended up asking my friend what this chick looked like or what her name was, just out of sheer curiosity, right? Turns out, she"s a curly haired brunette with bright blue eyes, and her name…drum roll please…is fucking Ainsley Whitten!" he declared triumphantly, as if he had just dropped a bomb on my lap that was meant to explode.

I just blinked at him, not moving a muscle because I was dumbstruck. This is what he thought was so important? Ainsley messing around with some jock?

"Are you fucking with me right now?" I asked flatly. "Nate, why in the everliving fuck would I care about Ainsley screwing around? Honestly, it"s a relief because that just means she"ll be too preoccupied to bug me and I can get some damn peace from her for a while."

"Jesus, you are painfully stupid sometimes," Nate muttered, not certain if he meant for me to hear the insult. "B, you aren"t putting two and two together! She sent nudes! She was sexting him like a frickin" horndog, or whatever the chick equivalent is, and that means we got her! I got my friend to have his friend send me the photos of her!" Nate smiled wide with pride. You"d think he had just discovered the key to global warming or something.

"Gross, man, why would you want that shit? Ainsley"s gorgeous and all, but she"s a fucking viper. I don"t care about any photos of her, naked or otherwise," I groused, completely over the conversation.

"Bash! How are you not getting this? You wanted a solution and here it is!"

"What solution? You have some dumbass nudes—"

"Of Ainsley! Her face is in them and everything, man! He also sent me a few of her sext messages, and dude, she has got a freaky mouth on her, let me tell you…" Nate whistled low, looking both grossed out and impressed at the same time.

I started to puzzle out what he was telling me and why he seemed to think this was the answer to all my problems with Ainsley. My dad wouldn"t care that she was cheating, or the fact that she sent naked pictures of herself to some guy. The only one who would care about that was…

"Holy shit…you"re not thinking about blackmailing her with them, are you?" I asked incredulously. There was no love lost between me and Ainsley, and I didn"t much care about how I treated her, but even I had my limits. Threatening her would only bring me to her level and make me no better than her or my dad.

"That"s exactly what I was thinking! I know the whole idea is a dick move and everything, but it"s not like she didn"t have it coming, and you really don"t have many options for getting rid of her. You told me that your dad wants you with her or your mom is up shit creek, so you can"t dump Ainsley. She"ll also definitely tattle to your Pops if you try to sneak around behind her back or just whenever she feels like letting the bitch loose, correct?" Nate looked at me expectantly.

"Well yeah, but this is…I mean, spreading her nudes around campus? That"s shit that could ruin a person"s life, you know?" I argued, feeling hella uncomfortable with thinking that was my only option.

"Hell no, you don"t have to send them to anyone! In fact, I"m hoping you wouldn"t need to at all. She just has to think you would!"

I gaped at him as his plan settled into my head, running through the possibilities of his batshit crazy idea.

"You"re telling me that I should bluff and tell Ainsley that I"ll spread her nudes and messages around campus if she rats me out to my dad?"

"Not just around campus, but to the dean, her professors, her own fucking parents if you have to! Tell her that you"re not going to play ball with her anymore and you"re going to be with your man whether she likes it or not, and if she breathes a word to your dad? BOOM! One click and she"s suddenly Miss December for UT"s Fucked-Up Decisions Nudie Calendar!" Nate grinned deviously, stretching his arms out like he was waiting for me to hug him.

Even I had to admit it was a genius plan if it worked. Ainsley"s reputation and her future were all she cared about, and this would ensure that she would spend a long time repairing that shit, if she even could. However, I didn"t think I could ever go through with releasing those photos because that wasn"t something I wanted on my conscience.

"I don"t know, Nate…what if it doesn"t work? What if I just piss her off and she goes running to my dad anyway to get back at me? I can"t risk that shit, not where my mom is concerned," I sighed, defeat starting to worm its way in.

Nate didn"t like that. He grabbed me by my shoulders roughly, and gave me a little shake. "Bash, I say this with all the brotherly love I have for you, but I"m gonna need you to pull your goddamn head out of your ass and man the fuck up! This is what you"ve been looking for! This is the way you put a leash on that gold-digger and claim your man! Yeah, no plan is foolproof and it might backfire, but that"s a major fucking "if" and you have to decide if it"s worth the risk. Is Micah worth the risk or not?" He looked me sternly in the eye, challenging me not to back down from this chance.

"Nate, it"s not so simple—"

"Is. He. Worth. The. Risk? It"s a yes or no question, Bash. Is Micah worth dirtying up your morals a bit for the chance to be with him, to be what he needs? Because from everything you told me, you fucking need him too."

He hadn"t even finished his question before the answer screamed inside my head like a banshee. Yes. Micah was worth all that and more. Even if this shit went sideways and I had to scramble to protect my mom, I couldn"t let go of this chance to show him that I"d do whatever the fuck it took to be his.

I had asked for a way to be with Micah, and this was it. I said come hell or high water, so I needed to be willing to drag myself to the depths to earn my chance with him. To claim him as mine.

He was mine. I"d make sure he never doubted it again.

Nate must"ve seen the determination set in and he wrapped his arms around my waist, hoisting me in the air while whooping and cheering like a deranged player who had just won the Superbowl. He was an idiot, but I was damn lucky he was my friend.

"Dude, put me the fuck down! You"re squeezing me too tight," I choked out as I squirmed to get free. Nate just laughed and set me down, clapping and rubbing his hands together, looking every bit the cartoon villain.

"Alright! When do we get that bitch?" he asked a little too gleefully, but he was interrupted by my phone ringing yet again. Since it had been a morning of surprises, I had no idea who it could have been, and was even more mystified when the number came through without a name. I didn"t recognize it, but the area code was from Austin, so I answered.

"Hello?"

"Bash! It"s Rhys!" Rhys breathed out, sounding shaky as fuck and like he"d been crying.

My stomach dropped and I felt ice race up my spine. "Rhys? What"s wrong?"

"It"s Micah! He"s at the hospital. I didn"t know what to do…there was so much blood and…" he didn"t even get the words out before I blanked out, crashing back to the couch when my legs gave out beneath me. I struggled to hear the rest, but my brain was shorting out, only letting a couple of Rhys" words through the haze of pain and fear coursing through me.

Nate ended up grabbing the phone from me and I partially registered him talking to Rhys and getting details of what happened. I couldn"t find any strength left in me to move. I could only sit there and beg God that I didn"t just lose the love of my life.

Please let him be okay. He has to be okay. Without him, there is no me.