Chapter 9

CHAPTER 9

The carriage stopped at the top of the hill, steep as ever.

Long ago, Henry would race Rafe up to the top. Rafe always beat him to the bottom by throwing his body into the grass with wild abandon and rolling down until he was dizzy. Henry didn't like being dizzy, and Rafe enjoyed the thrill far too much.

And that was precisely why the Davies brothers never saw eye to eye.

Rafe scratched his brow, for once not eager to meet what awaited at the bottom of the hill. It had been far too long since he'd been here.

"We have to walk the rest of the way," he said, clearing his throat. "We'd likely be stalled anyway."

"Hmm?"

Lily peered out the window as a large flock of sheep ambled over the emerald grass in front of the carriage.

"Sheep? I'm to believe sheep will stop the formidable Lieutenant Rafe Davies?"

The sun seeped into the window, washing over Lily. It cast the perfect shadow at the hollow of her throat. One of his very favorite places to kiss her. Last night had been such a sweet mix of bliss and torture, sleeping beside her. They had kissed for a time, but eventually settled to sleep with Lily draped over his chest, and nothing else had happened.

Even if he had wished otherwise.

"Are you flirting with me, Miss Abrams?"

"I wouldn't dare dream it."

He grinned. He couldn't help it around her. "Try to move one of those frustrating beasts. I dare you."

Lily nibbled on her lip, attempting to hide the smirk that pulled tight at the corner of her mouth.

Christ, this woman. Must they leave? Could they carry on and keep this secret between them?

"Is it similar to waking me in the morning?" she asked.

Rafe chuckled and reached for the door before Lily placed her hand on his. It was bare, and her mere touch sent his body in chaos.

"Wait."

He glanced over his shoulder, her dark brown eyes wide and pleading.

"I'm not sure this is the best idea. How will we explain… well, anything?"

"Gwen Davies is a saint of a woman who will likely bake you cake, fill you with all the tea you can drink, and then ask if she can sew you a new wedding dress before we leave in the morning."

"Look at us, Rafe. Your shirt is bloodstained, and my dress is torn." She waved her hands in front of him. "Your face…"

"What's wrong with my face? I thought you liked it plenty."

"You are a scoundrel. Have I told you that enough? And I am about to meet your mother?—"

"Having just been robbed by highwaymen and surviving the whole ordeal. I promise it will be fine."

He wondered when it became so easy to lie to Lily. He didn't like it one bit. One small mistruth had grown and bubbled, and now it was much bigger than both of them.

"Welcome home then, Mr. Davies."

Something within seemed to grow feral at the low timbre of his name out of her mouth. Her husband? He glanced down at their hands touching, then back toward his childhood home, letting out a deep sigh.

She was beautiful in the afternoon light. And in the morning tangled up in sheets. And at night when she crawled into bed beside him.

He jumped out of the carriage, instantly remembering his broken ribs. Fine, no more jumping. Rafe waited for Lily to tug on her lace gloves before leading her down the hill, toward the house his mother refused to part with. Too many good memories she had insisted.

Toward his mother he hadn't seen in years.

Toward the very certainty that Lily would leave here hating him, desperate instead to reach Henry.

Lily hooked her arm through Rafe's elbow and proceeded down the dirt path to a small shell-pink cottage bursting with color. The window boxes were overflowing with a vibrant rainbow of flowers. The dark green shutters were all hung straight, and the slate roof stood parallel to the ocean and the horizon beyond.

"You grew up here?"

"I have spent more time at sea, honestly, but yes." Rafe nodded, kicking away a pebble as they slowly descended upon the house.

"It looks so… normal."

He burst out laughing. She knew then, she would miss that sound in her life after she became Henry's bride. Somehow, in the short time they had been together, Lily had come to hold that warm laugh close. It brought her comfort whenever the doubt crept in.

But now that doubt had taken root and spread in a new way.

Because she wasn't sure she was doing the right thing any longer by marrying Henry. After Felton, it certainly felt as if it was the right thing to do. It was a nice, tidy solution to an ugly situation.

But Rafe.

Rafe was a charming, irritating complication she had not planned for, and he threw everything into a tumult within her .

The emerald slat door swung open, and a large gray and white sheepdog limped up the hill toward Rafe and Lily. Lily froze, watching as the large beast approached. She had never seen a dog so enormous in her life.

"Finn!" Rafe exclaimed. "You handsome old man. How are you?"

He sank down to his knees as the dog slobbered over Rafe's cheek, nuzzling his neck.

She wished to have someone like that in her life. Anyone. A cat even. She would be an excellent cat person from what she gathered. Or perhaps a chatty bird.

Lily stood by, shocked by the genuine smile stretching across Rafe's lips then. It was so easy, so natural.

And in that moment, honest.

Lily laughed nervously, backing up a step as a woman came to fill the door frame. Her gray hair curled around her face, and she had a large grin that mirrored Rafe's. She wiped her hands on a rag, a smudge of flour streaking across her round face.

"Oh for goodness' sake, Finn! Let him come in, will you?" The woman's voice sounded like Rafe's when he had just a little too much drink and his guard slipped, revealing that Welsh lilt. She hastily wiped tears from her eyes.

Rafe stood, his face suddenly losing any light it had possessed, and his features became stone just as when they had first met at Stonehurst.

"Sorry for not writing first, Mother." He brushed his hands against his trousers and walked a few steps before turning back to Lily. He arched his brow in challenge. She could all but hear him daring her on, and she hadn't backed down yet.

He looked so damn kissable just then that she willed her body forward, ignoring the way it cried out for his touch. Instead, she held her head high and offered his mother a soft smile.

"I have news," Rafe said. "May I introduce you?—"

"You haven't?" His mother gasped, clasping her hands together. She had bright green eyes that matched the fields surrounding the small seaside cottage. "You are married! Oh, come on, come in." She gestured for them to join her inside.

Rafe held his hands out. "Erm, no."

His mother cocked her head. "Sorry, I don't…"

Lily stepped around Rafe, annoyed at how he couldn't seem to part with the truth. "I am to marry Henry, Mrs. Davies. Rafe has been so kind in offering me an escort to Cliffstone Manor."

The woman peered over Lily's shoulder to Rafe. "So, you are not married?"

"No, Ma. I came to fetch grandmother's ring and escort Miss Lily Abrams to Cliffstone, so she may marry Henry."

"Oh, my manners. Please forgive me. It's lovely to meet you, Miss Abrams. Come in, come in. I believe this story deserves a spot of tea."

Lily peeked over her shoulder and glared at Rafe. He shrugged, ducking down to enter the short doorway inside the cottage.

His mother first wrapped him in a tight embrace, then led them through a small sitting room with a black cat curled up on a quilt sunbathing. Finn trotted alongside Rafe. Lily glanced around her, soaking up the many small details that made up a home. Like the afghan tossed over the armchair, the crooked oil painting on the wall of a ship, the soft click of the dog's nails against the floor.

"I was baking. Excuse my appearance." The older woman brushed the back of her hand against her cheek to remove the smudge of flour.

"Scones, I hope." Rafe reached into a chipped china bowl full of wild strawberries and plopped one into his mouth.

"You must have known. Seems like you only journey home when I'm baking."

Lily softly giggled.

He stepped beside Lily and bumped her shoulder. "I like scones."

"Hmm."

"So," Mrs. Davies started, bustling around the small kitchen. There was a backdoor that was opened, allowing in a soft sea breeze. A stone patch cut through swaying tall grass that was dotted with wildflowers. "Why is it that Henry isn't here if he is the one to be married?"

"He was practical as always and advertised in The Times ."

His mother paused, her hand firmly gripping the rolling pin on the worktable. "I see. "

Something in the way she answered suddenly filled Lily with panic.

"This was not how I wished to meet you, Mrs. Davies." Lily stood in the kitchen with her hands clasped in front of her, feeling as if she were only a few inches tall. How completely humiliating.

"I have more questions, but those can wait," she said addressing Rafe. "But what I am interested to learn now is what happened to your face?"

"We were robbed early yesterday morning. Our carriage was held up by highwaymen. Rafe fought them off." Lily cleared her throat. Everything within her shook.

"So, you two are in fact not married," she repeated, "and have been traveling alone."

"Her chaperone was struck ill shortly after we left Cumbria. We had no choice but to continue without her."

His mother took the whistling kettle off the stove. Lily didn't dare tell her she was much too hot to consume tea at the moment.

"And you are betrothed to my Henry?"

Lily nodded, regretting the entire adventure now. It had been a disaster from the start, and she had been too headstrong to admit it to herself.

Finn lay in the open doorway, his head on his paws as he watched the volley of questions and comments.

"We will only be staying for the night if you will have us. We will leave in the morning with grandmother's ring and be on our way."

"You're forgetting something."

Rafe popped another strawberry into his mouth, and he glanced at Lily, his eyebrow arched.

"No, I don't believe I?—"

"Mari won't be letting you go so soon. And it has been an age since you've paid your ma a visit, always sailing across the world. Of course, you may stay. I only wish Henry was here so we could celebrate together."

"Henry has the estate now. You know how particular he is about details. "

His mother nodded, slamming down the rolling pin against a pillowy pile of dough. "Yes, I know."

Voices carried in through the opened windows.

Lily looked between Mrs. Davies and Rafe, waiting, wishing she could find a quiet corner to catch her breath and gather her thoughts.

Instead, a knock sounded at the front door, and Mrs. Davies excused herself before bustling back in with a group of older women all clamoring for a view.

"Rafe!"

A gray-haired woman rushed around and threw her arms around him. She drew back, cupped his face in her hands, and smiled. "You've been away too long."

"Mrs. Finch, did you just pinch me?"

The older woman snickered, then turned to Lily before the entire room shifted their focus to her.

"Hello," she said weakly. She held out her hand and waved to the waiting crowd.

"Rafe Michael Davies, you've gone and done it, you sly devil. You've married."

Lily felt the heat bite her cheeks. She rolled her shoulders and turned her gaze to a non-remarkable spot on the worn pine floor.

"Well, Evelyn, Rafe has informed me that this Miss Abrams here is intended to be Henry's bride." Mrs. Davies set down the rolling pin and smiled. "Rafe?"

Lily glanced upward, her fists tightening. The coward.

He peeked at Lily, mouthed "sorry" and then threw on that annoyingly handsome smile of his. The one that could convince an entire room they alone had his undivided attention. "It's true, ladies. I am still very much a bachelor married to the sea, but how lucky is my brother?"

The group of women laughed and murmured among themselves for a moment while Lily scanned the room for a quick exit. She had been a fool to believe Rafe that this would go swimmingly. But honestly, what had she expected? She was traveling alone through England with the brother of her betrothed. Her soon-to-be husband, a man she had never met and only exchanged a few letters with before packing up her belongings to move to the Isle of Wight where she would become his wife.

All attention turned to Lily once more as she stepped forward, about to dash around Rafe to race outside when she froze, watching as Rafe's face paled. He drew back, gripping the counter of the work surface as a young woman shut the door to the front of the house and raced into the kitchen.

"Where have you been?" the young woman shouted, parting the crowd to throw her arms around Rafe.

He staggered back a step, meeting Lily once more in the eye.

But all she found in his stare was dread.

His sister Mari was his shadow for the rest of the day. And the hell of it was, he missed her, thoroughly. Just as he had missed his mother. But he hadn't returned home since the accident.

But he would for Henry. He did.

To fetch their grandmother's ring, so his brother could properly propose to Lily.

Once he knew he was getting married, that is. That was a small oversight.

Surely Henry would agree once he met Lily.

She was… everything a man needed in a wife. No, much more. Everything a man could wish for in a wife.

But right now, she was thoroughly livid with Rafe.

Mari sat beside him on the settee, drawing. Still, after all these years, she had charcoal under her fingernails from drawing her discoveries along the beach.

"Rafe?"

He continued to pretend to read, even as he could feel Lily's glare on him from the chair by the window.

"Yes, Fish?"

"When are you coming back? "

"I'm not sure."

"Why? I miss you."

He swallowed his patience, shifting in his seat before finally he gathered the courage to look up at Lily.

"Perhaps it's time to retire for the night," his mother said, jumping in.

Lily rose, clutching a book in her hand. "Thank you, Mrs. Davies. It has been a lovely day, but I would be so grateful to rest."

"Of course, dear."

His mother grabbed Lily's hand and led her down the hallway, leaving him alone with Mari.

She turned, looking up at him with wide, gray eyes. "You haven't even written."

He scratched his chin, swallowing down the panic clawing at his chest.

Rafe had, eventually. He wrote to his mother every Thursday evening. "I'm sorry, Fish."

She brushed back the long hair she wore to hide what had happened. But he knew what was there. He remembered that afternoon when he wished more than anything he could forget it.

"I think your wife is very lovely." She softly laughed to herself, reaching for her kit. She carefully slipped in her charcoal pieces into the canvas and rolled them up. It was a ritual she perfected as a child, now at nearly twenty-six, nothing had changed.

"She isn't my wife. She is going to marry Henry."

"Why isn't Henry here?"

He was so bloody tired. "He's at his house, Cliffstone, now. I came to help…"

"Henry won't like her."

Rafe frowned. "Why ever not?"

Finn trotted in, volleyed glances between Mari and Rafe, then decided to attempt to crawl into his lap as if he were still a puppy. The giant dog settled his weight on Rafe, and he groaned as Mari threw back her head and laughed.

She laughed as if he hadn't almost killed her that afternoon long ago. As if what happened afterward hadn't changed the course of her life. As if she wasn't permanently scarred across the right side of her head, and he hadn't damaged her mind.

But he had.

Mari had suffered a serious head injury and never fully recovered. She was nearly twenty-six and acted as if she were still thirteen. In between memory problems, she also struggled with her temper and emotions.

And she was laughing that a giant sheepdog had just crushed him. As if it were an ordinary Tuesday evening in late June on the Welsh seacoast. As if she had accepted what had happened that afternoon.

"Off, Finn!" Rafe jumped to his feet, anger bubbling up within.

"Why have you visited?" she asked again.

She had asked the same question throughout the afternoon. He had answered at first, then chose not to because it didn't matter. Not truly. She would forget and ask again. And again, he would have to look her in the eyes and pretend as if she hadn't just ripped his heart apart.

"I love you, Mari. I'm going to bed now. You should, too."

She nodded, pressing a kiss into her palm and holding it against his cheek. She had done the same even as a toddler. Then she called out to Finn who trotted down the hall behind her.

Rafe hadn't even said goodnight to Lily. But judging by the way she had glared at him throughout the afternoon as his mother's friends clucked over him and threw pretty, meaningless flirtations in his direction, he would assume she wanted nothing to do with his company.

Which was entirely annoying because what he wished most at that moment was to laugh with her.

They hadn't even known each other for a week, and yet she had crawled under his skin and had made a home for herself somewhere close to where his heart would be located if he had one.

But he didn't .

And he had vowed one kiss with her. That became one night in one bed.

No, no more kissing.

He crept out of the house and descended the stone pathway to the ledge overlooking the beach down below. He glanced over his shoulder one more time to be sure he was alone, then climbed the stairs down the ledge until he sank his feet into the soft, white sand of the beach.

The full moon shone overhead, spilling silver light over the water and reflecting back onto the white cliffs.

Farther down the beach sat the boathouse. It appeared untouched after all these years. But the beach was empty otherwise. He stripped down to his smalls and ran into the ocean before diving in. The cool water washed over him, the undercurrent pulling him along, and it was as if he were truly home.

He broke through the surface and gasped, desperate for air after feeling as if he couldn't breathe all afternoon.

What a monster he was.

He had run, and Mari had lived.

He had hidden and had barely lived at all.

When he turned, Lily stood on the beach with her arms crossed and the wind lightly tossing her dark curls around her shoulders.

He could try living for her.

He wanted to.

But would she care?

The more time Lily spent around Rafe, the less she worried about what Henry would think of her, and even more about what it would be like to say goodbye to Rafe when she finally met Henry.

Which was a problem.

A very big problem.

Certainly not one she had anticipated when she had replied to the marriage advertisement in the first place. Love, it seems, no matter what, had its complications.

And she was beginning to suspect she was attracted to Rafe.

He rose out of the ocean under the moonlight, looking about as near perfection as anything she had ever seen, and she had discovered a very rare comet cutting across the sky last summer. She crossed her arms, still furious with how he had bounced around, paying attention to everything all afternoon as she smiled and did her best to remain polite when all she wished to do was hide away in a room.

In the morning, she suspected the entire village would know that she would be Henry's wife. That she had answered an ad.

And Rafe had returned home, with her.

Everyone loved Rafe.

The woman all clucked and fussed over him as he sang and helped his mother bake in the kitchen. He danced with his sister, Mari, around the small sitting room and played cards with his mother and her friends after dinner.

And Lily sat in the corner, watching.

Seething at how he seemed to not notice her.

No, but that wasn't it entirely. He noticed her but refused to acknowledge her, as if she were a secret. As if he were a coward.

Which he was.

He froze in the ocean. The waves bobbed his body up and down as their eyes finally met. She was so angry and yet couldn't find the right words to say, so she thought it best to remain still.

"Couldn't sleep?" Rafe ran his hands up through his hair, slicking it back. Thank goodness for the full moon and the way the argent light washed over his body. Strong arms and stronger forearms. A wide chest that whittled down to a trim waist.

Perhaps she had hit her head and fallen in love with a mermaid.

Because sure as the sun, he floated there in the ocean, and she knew without a doubt, there was nowhere else he belonged.

Her grandmother had once told her tales of the selkies — magical creatures of the sea that transformed from seals to humans. She had never believed those stories until now as she strongly believed in science, not legend.

She wrapped her arms around herself tighter, afraid she might confess something she shouldn't.

"I needed to see the moon," she said instead. Lily snickered to herself, realizing only afterward how foolish that sounded. Her room had a bay of windows with a great view of the sky.

He nodded, dipping back down under a wave before shooting up through the surface. "I needed a swim."

She inched closer to the water until it finally licked the tips of her toes. Lily had wished it for years, but she'd never had the chance to visit the ocean before. She swam now and again with Charlotte at the pond at Stonehurst, but that was nothing to the roaring water crashing against the beach now.

"Would you like to join me?"

Yes, how she wished to join Rafe in the ocean for a midnight swim. It wouldn't be the most scandalous thing the pair had done on this trip, yet something about it felt as if they should consider it wrong. Surely anyone in the ton would be jumping at the opportunity of catching such a secret rendezvous. Perhaps if he were a duke, some marriage-minded debutante would be willing to risk her reputation to secure a husband.

But Lily didn't have much of a reputation any longer, other than being a twice-jilted bride and a bluestocking. And Rafe was a naval officer who now fetched his brother's bride and took midnight swims and danced in the kitchen while baking scones with middle-aged women who pinched his bottom for fun.

What did she have to lose exactly?

She glanced over her shoulder, thankful that their corner of the beach was private with the cliffs high above. There wasn't a house for some ways, and Mrs. Davies and Mari had both retired for the evening.

Lily nodded, reaching down to take off her slippers. The sand beneath her bare feet felt like heaven.

"No peeking now, Mr. Davies." She waved her finger in his direction. Even from where she stood, she was struck by that charming, crooked smile of his.

"I'm a gentleman, aren't I?"

"So I was led to believe, but I'm not convinced."

"Fair."

Once he turned and faced the horizon, she shook out her hands. They wouldn't stop trembling even as she slipped off her dress and let the fabric pool around her ankles. She tilted her head back toward the sky, watching the stars as the waves washed over her. For a moment, there was nothing but the roaring of the waves crashing against the shore that filled her ears.

"Can I turn around now?"

She dove under the surface, kicking her legs against the pull of the tide until it rose up to her chest. She came up beside Rafe.

"Hi," he said at last.

She wiped the salt water away from her eyes. "Hi."

They bobbed along to the ebb and flow of the changing tide for a moment, never breaking their stare.

"You're mad at me," he said at last.

She nodded. "You left me to handle that all alone today, and I?—"

"I apologize. I shouldn't have." He licked his lips.

Lily kicked her feet against the sandy bottom when a wave picked her up, and she collided with Rafe.

They didn't break apart.

"I was a coward today. I thought… I thought if you knew the truth you wouldn't…"

She reached her hand out and grabbed his shoulder to tether her before she was dragged out farther by the current.

Lie.

Perhaps it was more that she needed to touch him because she felt as if she would crumble if he didn't say the right thing now.

"Here's the damn thing, Lily. I like you."

Everything within her snapped to attention.

"That's not an excuse. I swear it. And here I am escorting you through England after that cad left you waiting at the altar, and I didn't behave much better. And you deserve better. You damn well do, and I'm not it, love."

Her heart drummed in her ears. Half in excitement, half in… anger.

She swatted him against the shoulder, lost for words until, finally, she found them lodged somewhere between her broken heart and her lungs.

"No, you don't get to decide that for me. I am my own woman. Everyone else wishes to coddle me, everyone wishes to keep me where they can be most comfortable, and I am so tired of it. I wish to live my life on my own. If that means me studying the stars or writing scientific textbooks, then I wish to do so without fear for my reputation or, worse yet, judgment against my knowledge. If that means me finding a husband so I can escape my horrible family, then I will do so. And I did for the record?—"

Rafe tucked her hair behind her ear, waiting, but the tender gesture left her feeling untethered once more. She was certain she had just been furious with him, but now…

"Don't do that. Don't you dare," she snapped.

"Hmm?"

She swatted his hand away, frustrated. Oh, how she wished to kiss him and that shadow of a smile on his lips. She bet he tasted of the ocean and the brandy he sipped on after dinner.

He would taste like her best-worst idea.

And she'd had plenty of bad ideas.

"Please kiss me, Rafe," she whispered at last. "Don't protect me, too."

"I don't think you will allow me to protect you. Even though I wish to."

She shrugged, licking her lips and staring up at him. Wanting more.

They stood on the beach, dressing silently. Lily peeked over at Rafe as he shrugged on his shirt. His pants sat low on his waist, revealing a firm stomach and muscles shaped in a V by his waistband. He glanced up, catching her and smiling. Lily only turned, stepping into her dress, fully feeling his eyes on her back as she took her time pulling the damp fabric up the length of her body. She wiggled, smiling to herself when she heard him inhale a sharp breath.

"I haven't been back since the accident happened," he said behind her.

She paused, her hand fumbling over the ties of her dress.

"And time has stopped for Mari. She's stuck here, feeding the ducks and playing with Finn as if she will always be that thirteen-year-old girl. She will never have a family, never know what it's like to fall in love?—"

"Do you?"

Lily spun, clasping her hands in front of her.

"I left her here with my mother and then agreed to the longest posting I could. My brother took pity on me in London and brought me to the Isle of Wight to sober up and help him sort out the massive mess of inheriting Cliffstone Manor. And she is here and content, and I am… well, I am ."

His hair curled in the sea air. The dark black glowed under the moonlight. Stubble shadowed his face so late into the evening. But his eyes—those remained unchanged—and burned into her with such angst her breath nearly caught.

"What happened?"

"I had my heart broken earlier in the day by the daughter of a local earl. I was beneath her, and her father didn't approve of her marrying a poor midshipman, and honestly, it was such a young flirtation it means nothing now. Except that day, it meant everything. It meant my entire world, and I was reckless. I drank and then decided to go out on my boat when I knew the weather was changing. Mari begged me to go, and I wouldn't let her, but I finally caved. She was on the boat with me when the skies turned black, and the waves became these monsters. And all I remember is seeing a flash before the jib broke free and hit Mari. She crumbled to the deck, and a wave washed over us, taking down the boat and dragging us both under. I dove, and I remember the water being so angry. I couldn't get her, and the lack of air burned my lungs. I finally found her and kicked up to the surface and grabbed on to a floating piece of wreckage as the storm continued. We floated for some time until the seas calmed, and we were rescued."

Lily nodded, reached out for his hand, and turned to walk the beach.

"And you haven't been back?"

"I haven't wanted to come back. And now I am here, and I brought you with me, and everyone assumed we were…" His voice trailed off.

"We were married."

It felt so true and yet so foreign as soon as the words left her mouth. Would Rafe ever see her other than a bride for his brother? Did he see her as more than… whatever it was that was between them?

"And I embarrassed you?"

"You will never embarrass me. It was the opposite actually."

"I don't understand."

"They were so excited for me, and I couldn't think of a reason to correct them."

They paused on the beach. The waves continued to roar against the beach as the tide came in. But beyond the waves, it was silent beyond the sound of her heart in her chest as she tilted her head toward Rafe.

"I'm sorry about that. I'm sorry I didn't?—"

She stepped up onto her toes, braced her hands on his cheeks, and kissed him there beneath the moonlight where everything seemed a little simpler.

When they broke apart a few minutes later, Rafe tugged her hand. "Come here, I have something I want to show you."

She followed.

Lily was certain she would follow Rafe wherever he wished to go at that moment, however wrong that might be.

Lily under the moonlight was his favorite sight to behold. He doubted that would ever change now that he had discovered that fact. Lily in his arms, in the water, was even better.

But kissing her, well, that was something else entirely. Something so beyond the scope of what he had ever known that he could hardly put words to it other than perfect and terrifying. Which was true in equal measure.

He stepped into the boathouse, expecting to confront the damaged sailboat he had spent much of his early boyhood building with his father before his passing. He lit a lantern by the door, ushering Lily in and shutting the door behind them.

Instead, he was met with a sailboat in perfect condition.

"I don't understand," he said out loud.

Lily forced a smile, glancing between him and the boat. "This is your boat?"

"It's not how I left it. Another fisherman from town found it washed up on shore after the storm. I assumed my mother had sold it for salvage. But…"

He approached slowly, his hand trembling to touch the shiny waxed surface. He had spent hours out on the water where the world made sense to him, and he had mourned its loss.

"Well, that's a happy mystery."

He clamped his eyes shut, self-hatred bubbling up within him. He had spent too much time already drinking to dull the pain, and it didn't work. Nothing worked. And now the damn sailboat was back in the boathouse, taunting him as if his life hadn't completely changed that day.

"I did not think it would be here. I…"

"Rafe?"

He glanced over his shoulder, scratching his neck. Everything within him felt too small, or perhaps the boathouse was falling in around him.

Coming here was a mistake.

"You did not kill her," she said gently. "Mari is still alive, and here, and thankful to see her older brother whom she loves very much."

"I took her future away! I did that. I am to blame, Lily." He rubbed his chest, certain he couldn't take in a full breath. Certain he was underwater again, searching desperately for his sister as his lungs burned from the lack of air. "I told her no, and she didn't listen, and I gave in. If I hadn't, if I hadn't been drinking, if I had decided to stay in when I knew the weather was turning…"

"It is not for you to decide how she lives her life now. It's not up to you to decide what she lost."

He had spent the past thirteen years loathing himself over what had happened. It wouldn't change because his sailboat was magically restored. It couldn't.

Rafe stared down at his feet, too afraid to look at Lily. "We have to leave in the morning. I wanted to stay another night perhaps, but I will retrieve my grandmother's ring in the morning, and we will continue on."

"Because you are afraid?"

He snapped his eyes up to meet hers. "Because time stands still here, and I cannot afford to be stuck."

Lily shook her head, placing one hand on her hip and extending the other in a frustrated wave. "And what will you do once we reach Cliffstone?"

He stared at her, the answer stuck in his throat until, finally, he blinked and leaned away. "Leave. I have no choice."

"No, you have a choice," she said, speaking over him, "but you are afraid."

He edged closer, unable to tear his eyes away from her lips as his heart pounded in his ears. He clenched his hands from wanting to touch her. "What else am I to do? I can't stay on when you marry Henry."

"Sure, you could. You are free to make mistakes. The world will not end." She rolled her eyes, brushing the salty curls away from her face. "I did not know you wished to be mine. But allow me to be clear when I say, it sounds as if you will be stuck if that happens as well. "

"Because I will have lost you."

The silence that followed hung between them for a beat too long, and he thought he had made a mistake.

Lily licked her lips. "I am here, Rafe."

He was desperate to touch her, to find some center in a night that knocked him off-kilter.

"No," he growled, stalking closer. "I have you for stolen moments, in glimpses, but I am a greedy man, love. I want more." He bent down, ghosting his mouth over the tip of her nose, her cheekbone, before whispering against her ear, "Much more than a kiss. More than a swim in the ocean or a midnight walk on the beach or one night at an inn. I want you and your body. I want you screaming out my name until we both collapse back onto our bed, naked and entwined, and we fall asleep in each other's arms when there is no fear of not enough time. That is what I want. And I cannot have it."

She twisted his shirt in her hand, issuing the softest moan at his confession that instantly made him hard.

Damn it.

"Why ever not?" she asked.

He stepped back, breaking the moment. He must or else he would take what he wanted and break her heart. And he was trying to be so much better than that.

"Don't you remember? I've sworn off love, and you deserve more than whatever temporary pleasure I could ever give you. I will only end up disappointing you. Besides, I'm to choose my next posting once we reach Cliffstone. I could be gone for years."

"But that is for me to decide, is it not? Rafe, if this is a speech designed to seduce me, I am afraid it hasn't worked. Your mother and your sister love you, deeply. Just because your mother never wishes to leave here does not mean she expects you to stay. But what is curious is that if you also leave Cliffstone Manor, what's to stop you from running away from something in London as well? What do you want, Rafe? Where are you going to go?"

"I am not running…" He searched his mind for something, anything to add, but that was the problem. She was making him face an ugly truth, one that he had known for some time now but avoided whenever possible.

"It is late. I am going to return to the house. I will see you in the morning, Rafe."

He draped his jacket over her shoulders.

She turned to leave, her slippers still clutched in her hands. There in the darkness of the boathouse, he was certain he felt something for her. Once he had considered himself levelheaded and understood there were rules in how the universe worked, even if he never followed them. But time had changed that, and with her big brown eyes studying him, he was not sure anything made sense.

His heart certainly did not make sense to him any longer.