Chapter 9

Chapter Nine

N ate could see the guilt in Bailey's eyes. It was an emotion he knew well, just like he knew how paralyzing and devastating it could be. He still fought at times to keep it from taking control of his life.

His feelings toward Bailey alone ate him up with guilt on a regular basis. It was an old case he'd worked on, though, that had led him to seek out grief counseling after it ended in the worst way possible. Therapy had helped, but sometimes, that guilt reared up when he least expected it. He suspected it always would.

The cause of his guilt was very different from what Bailey was experiencing, but the result was the same.

Another tear slid from the corner of her eye and started to roll down her cheek. It took everything in him not to reach out and wipe it away for her. He said a silent prayer, asking that God would give him the words to say. Words that might help her but wouldn't reveal how he felt or make anything harder for her.

She glanced toward the living room as though she were afraid the boys might see her cry. When she looked back at Nate, he plunged ahead.

"I want to tell you something, and I need you to hear me out."

Her eyes narrowed with doubt and a hint of apprehension.

"Joe loved you and the boys fiercely. He would want nothing more than for you to be happy. That would be true whether you transform this place into something people come from miles around to see or if you sell it all and decide to live in an apartment." He paused for a moment to let that sink in. "There's no doubt in my mind that Joe would be proud of you and of the way you're raising Seth and Jordan."

He meant every word, too. He was proud of her. She'd been through so much in the last two years, and she'd faced it all with grace and courage. Nate doubted he could've handled it as well.

He wasn't sure what kind of reaction he expected from her. She hastily stood from the table and went to the sink to look out the window, and he couldn't tell if she was upset or not. He contemplated waiting for her to return, but when her chin dropped, and she leaned into the counter, he strode across the room to stand behind her.

Every instinct told him to put an arm around her—to offer her some kind of comfort. Instead, his feet stayed rooted in place, his arms pressed against his sides.

"I should have kept my mouth shut. I'm sorry if I upset you." It was the last thing he'd wanted to do. "Bailey…" He finally reached out and gently cupped her elbow.

She turned around, met his eyes just long enough for him to register the tears that had finally pushed past their barriers, and stepped into his arms. It wasn't until her arms went around his waist and clasped behind his back that his shock wore off enough to react.

Nate held her gently, his right hand rubbing small circles on her back that he hoped were calming. Comforting. The scent of her shampoo—something soft and floral—filled his senses. He registered the way she so perfectly fit against his chest, her head at the right height to press a kiss to.

If she'd been his to kiss.

Instead, he rested his cheek against her soft hair and let her cry. Her sobs were silent, and if he hadn't been able to feel the ragged breaths that came with her emotion, he wouldn't have known. Certainly, the boys had no idea that their mother was struggling.

He reached for a paper towel on the counter nearby and handed it to her. She gave him a slight nod in response and dabbed at her face.

Finally, she rested her forehead against his chest. "I'm sorry. I don't usually fall apart like that…" she ended the words with a frustrated sigh.

Nate cupped her face with one hand and gently lifted her chin until she was looking up at him. "Are you kidding? You're the strongest, bravest person I've ever known. This doesn't change a thing."

When another tear left the corner of her eye, he didn't hesitate to swipe it away this time. Even with puffy eyes and a red nose from crying, she was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen. His heart tumbled painfully in his chest.

She stilled as she studied his face. The trust in her eyes nearly did him in.

Seth's voice floated in from the living room. "Mom? I'm hungry!"

The words acted like a jolt of electricity, and Nate immediately dropped his hand. Bailey blinked and took a step back.

There was that familiar guilt again. He'd nearly allowed himself to slip up and give her an idea of how he felt about her. Something he'd promised himself he would never do.

He forced a chuckle. "I remember thinking I was starving to death nearly my whole childhood. I'm convinced boys are born with an extra stomach." Nate prayed he sounded normal.

"I have no doubt that's true." Bailey rubbed the palms of her hands on her pants and turned toward the living room. "I'll make you a snack in a few minutes."

"Okay!" The single word was followed by silence as Seth probably focused on the cartoon again.

Bailey walked back to the table and took a seat. She reached for her pencil and let the eraser bounce off the notebook several times.

He rejoined her and thought through everything they'd spoken about before. "It sounds like, no matter what you decide to do, the old barn is a concern. So start there. Have it torn down and the area leveled. At least then you won't be worried about the boys getting hurt or someone else messing with the building."

She nodded slowly. "That's a good idea. Even if I sold the place, that would only increase the value. No one wants to mess with a derelict building that could potentially be a hazard." She made some notes at the bottom of the page. "I'll call around tomorrow and see who might do that kind of thing. Get some quotes."

"At least it'll be a start. Then you can decide what to do afterward. In the end, whatever you think is the best thing for you and the boys is the right decision. Don't let anyone else tell you otherwise. "

That included her own conscience, although he kept that to himself.

"I appreciate that." When she looked over at him, her cheeks had turned a light shade of pink, and there was a hint of embarrassment in her eyes. "Now, if things would calm down a little around here, that would be great. We've had enough excitement for a while."

The kids' show must have ended because they, along with Minnie, wandered into the kitchen.

"What are we having for snack?" Seth held a hand over his stomach for emphasis.

Jordan looped an arm around Minnie's neck and gave her a hug. "We're hungry, too."

Minnie panted while she watched the adults with interest, almost as though she, too, were asking for food.

Nate chuckled. "We'll get out of your hair and let you guys get to your evening routine." He snapped his fingers, and Minnie moved to stand beside him. Both boys ran over to give Nate a hug goodbye. "You two, be sure to help your mom out, okay?"

Jordan looked up at Nate. "Can you bring Minnie back next time you come over?"

"We'll see." Nate ruffled the boy's hair.

Bailey followed him to the front door, where he turned and lowered his voice. "Be careful. Don't forget to call me if you need anything."

"I will." The corners of her mouth tugged upward as a little sparkle returned to her eyes. "Thanks again."

There was nothing else to do but give her and the boys a wave and lead Minnie out to his truck. He said a prayer over them as her place faded in the rearview mirror. And then, as he had many times before, he asked God to help his feelings for Bailey to fade away.