10. Ian

10

Ian

Now

I open the diary gently, the old pages warped and frayed on the edges as Georgia leans closer to me. Never in a million years did I think I'd be sitting here, reading another story to her while she calms herself enough to fall asleep after a horrible nightmare. I thought I ruined every chance of this the moment I left her all those years ago.

The biggest mistake of my life, but one I needed to make for her.

"Did you forget how to read after all those medical journals broke your brain?" Georgia teases. How I've missed this woman and her smart-ass mouth.

"Pretty sure they would have fired me by now. Nothing screams Dr. Lawsuit like forgetting how to read the correct dosage to give a patient," I joke back.

I pull the diary closer and turn to the first page.

Dear Georgia,

I know this is my diary, so I pray that you never see it. But if you do, this is proof of just how much I truly love and cherish you. More than my whole life, my darling girl. Today I sat at the willow tree and watched you play with the twins. You and Irene were princesses who had been stolen by an angry dragon, holding you prisoners in the giant tower. Ian was the brave knight that came to your rescue, his sword a giant wooden branch he pulled from under the tree. Barely four years old, and the three of you have more imagination than anyone could muster up. The laughter from all of you always fills me with so much joy. You asked me this morning why you didn't have a sibling...And I lied and told you it was because you were so special that I didn't want to share any of my love for you with another child. But that isn't true. Your father and I tried for years after you were born, and I suffered so many losses. As I write this, I am currently going through another one. I think that's why I decided to finally start writing this diary that you and your father gifted me for Christmas last year. This is my reminder that it's okay to be sad, to feel the ugly, angry feelings I feel, while also being full of so much gratitude for you. It's okay to feel both sadness and hope. And I think I'm writing this to you because it's all the things I wish I could tell you. My littlest best friend. I wish I could give you all the siblings in the world. I wish more than anything that my body wasn't a traitorous monster, like the dragon in your game. Instead of stealing the princesses, my dragon steals all my hope for the future.

Except you, never you, my darling girl.

You are my sunlight in a world full of such darkness.

Never, ever forget that, my littlest love.

Love always,

Mom

"I knew she loved me," Georgia mumbles out, her voice heavy with sleep as she lays her head against my shoulder. I've missed the way she falls asleep in my arms. All the worry and grief in her life fade away as her features smooth out.

"Of course she loved you. There isn't a single thing about you that isn't completely fucking loveable," I whisper to her. She mutters something in her sleep that I can't hear, but I'm sure it's something sassy and aimed toward me.

Reading about us as kidsmakes Irene's absence hit hard. I miss my twin every day. But my parents have made sure that her name doesn't get brought up. Ever. It's too painful for them, even after all these years. So I've trained myself to keep her ghost at bay. Never thinking of her, never saying her name out loud.

Until Georgia and her daughter came crashing back into my life.

There's something about Auden that reminds me so much of Irene. When I first laid eyes on her in the ambulance, my heart just about gave out. It happened again while I was making her breakfast this morning. I turned and almost dropped the fucking plate because she looked just like my sister, perched on the edge of the barstool. I couldn't stop myself from asking Georgia if Auden reminded her of Irene.

It's like letting her name pass through my lips has awakened her.

Auden has such a fun, carefree spirit. It's hard for me not to love her the way I love her mother. I just wish life had worked out differently for us, but I made that bed, and now I get to lie in it.

Even if lying in this particular "bed" isn't so bad right now, I know when this week is over, my heart is going to be crushed all over again. This time I won't just lose Georgia; I'll lose Auden, too. Spending the morning with her and learning more about her, I selfishly wish that she was mine. But if I hadn't left Georgia when I did, she wouldn't have Auden. I can't regret my choices too much when she gained so much from my sacrifice.

The smart thing to do would be to stay as far away from both of them as possible, self-preservation and all that.

But I've never been good at making smart decisions.

Placing the diary on the back of the couch, I wrap my arm around Georgia, my fingers drumming lightly against her skin as we both fall asleep.

Before I fully succumb to the darkness, my subconscious notes that it looks like something spilled down the front of the bed mattress.

Something that looks strangely like blood.