Chapter Forty-one

L iana hid in their chambers for the rest of the evening, her magic thoroughly buried deep within herself. She didn't want to feel it, not even a hint of its presence. It was cursed. If she could be rid of it completely, she would.

Phillipa appeared at some point to help her get ready for bed. Once she was in her robe, Liana found that she wasn't tired in the slightest, so she read by the fire to stay warm on this chilly night. It wasn't until hours later that Damien returned. He spared her a single glance before his own servant aided him with a bath.

Damien walked out of the bathing chambers after a while and climbed right into bed. He had every right to hate her. She deceived him. She used her magic against him. If he did the same to her, she'd find it very difficult to forgive.

Fresh tears started as anger and resentment of herself overwhelmed her. She truly was the worst person to ever have been chosen for this life. The improper, odd, and selfish Liana Monroe was not fit to be an Ashwood, to be queen. Nor was she fit to be the support for another person. She never said or acted in the appropriate ways. All she had to comfort someone was her magic and even that was not her own. It was also the source of all her problems, the thing that made her so odd.

Nothing about her made sense. Why couldn't she just be like everyone else? Someone else would have been stronger and smarter. Someone else would have been able to kill Zatar without others dying. Someone else wouldn't have had to knock out their husband to complete their mission. Someone else would have sacrificed themselves and saved everyone they loved.

Liana rolled over onto the pillows she lay upon and screamed into it. She screamed and cried and punched her hands into the stone floor. A gaping pit of guilt, and grief, and inadequacy threatened to consume her whole. Sobbing into the pillow, she begged the gods to end her now. To take away her power and give it to someone with at least one selfless thought.

Hands pulled on her shoulders, forcing her to sit from her crouched position.

"Liana?" Damien questioned, his eyes red with sleep and ringed with purple. She sobbed harder.

"Leave me be!" she screamed at him and shoved him away with magic.

He fell onto his side, his face a mix of shock and anger.

She deserved his wrath – was ready for whatever he would shout at her. Instead, he got to his feet and climbed back into bed with a scowl marring his brow.

Liana hated herself even more for pushing him away. The male was the most selfless and kindest person she'd ever met, and he loved her. He came to her even when he was upset about her actions. That's what a good partner would do. That wasn't how Liana's mind worked though, and she hated herself for it. She would have wallowed in her hurt and betrayal. She would let Damien stew in his own guilt if the roles were reversed. His pain and grief would only register in her mind until she'd had enough time to be selfish.

She didn't want to be like that. She didn't want to hurt the man she loved.

Swiping at her face, she walked over to their bed. His eyes tracked her as she kneeled before him. Those icy blue eyes speared her right in the heart, too painful to look at. Resting her forehead on the edge of the mattress, she took a few deep breaths.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered, knowing his vampire hearing could hear her. "I'm so sorry that I knocked you out. I'm so sorry that I couldn't save Luciano. He offered to take my place as a sacrifice, and I let him take it because I didn't want to die yet. Then he didn't even get a chance to kill that monster." She hiccupped, no longer feeling the tears that dripped steadily. "I'm sorry that I hid the truth from you. I'm sorry about Asher." She squeezed her eyes shut, that one especially painful. Asher had been young and so full of life. He didn't want death like Luciano.

"I'm sorry that I'm so selfish and that I always make the wrong decisions. I'm trying to be smart, to be cunning and strategic, but all my plans hurt someone and get too many killed. I'm trying to be strong, to not rely on your strength and support so much, but it all just ends in disaster when I don't. I cannot be who you need me to be. There is something broken and wrong with me."

Damien slid to the floor and pulled her into his lap. Liana wrapped her legs around his waist and savored his embrace. Magic tried to surge into their embrace, but she shoved it aggressively back down.

He sighed while his hand brushed over her back. "My love, you are strong and intelligent. There is nothing I expect from you aside from honesty. None of the blame for their deaths falls on your shoulders either. We all made plans, we all made decisions, and in the end, it was Zatar that killed them. Luciano's loss is difficult, but the bastard wanted to die for centuries, and we all know he is happier now. Asher died too soon, but he made his choice as well. He knew the risk of battle, just as well as the other soldiers that lost their lives."

His hand smoothed over her back repeatedly, her breathing easing. "Phillipa told me everything while you recovered. She gave your letter to Luciano and Michael, and they told Michael about his death. They devised the entire plan to save you. We don't know how Asher got involved or how they were invisible, but we do know they all volunteered."

"That doesn't help me feel any less guilty."

He cleared his throat, his own tears falling onto her head. "I know. And I will forever feel guilty because I am relieved it was them and not you. It is a terrible truth to speak out loud, and I'm sure Owen would murder me for it, but it is the truth. I will miss them all fiercely, but I could not live without you."

She squeezed him tighter. "I didn't want to leave you. Juno said it was the only way. And how could I have asked anyone to take my place? It was such a relief when Luciano offered."

"I'll thank him, your father, and Asher when we meet again one day."

Heart squeezing painfully, she saw their faces flash through her mind. Faces no one will ever see again. "How do I accept all this? I can't stop thinking about how if I had done things differently, they might still be alive."

Damien took long moments to think. "If you had done things differently, who is to say that more people wouldn't have died? What if you or I were killed instead?" She shuddered at the thought. Trying to change the past will only lead to suffering. There is nothing to be done other than accept it. And who is to say that things didn't happen exactly as they were always meant to? Perhaps the gods only allowed you to bring your father back from the dead so that he would be able to sacrifice himself. Perhaps the same is true for how you saved Asher."

It wasn't a terrible way to see things, she had to admit.

Damien continued, "I wish Asher got to live more of his life, that your father and Luciano could have lived to see this new Triaedian, but there is nothing we can do to change what has happened. We grieve. We rebuild. And we move on."

Liana sniffled and pulled back. "Will you ever be able to forgive me?"

He frowned and used the edge of his shirt to clean her face. "I was livid for the first few days, but I understand why you did it. It is our duty as king and queen to protect this kingdom, and without any heirs, one of us had to stay safe. My fear of losing you was too great. I was too blinded by it to think rationally. So, yes, I forgive you, Liana. You had the courage to do what I could not."

She felt relieved but still hesitated to accept it. "I fear that I will never be strong enough for this. I am not cunning or strategic."

He brushed her hair back and tucked it behind her ear before cupping her cheeks. "Did you forget that you are the one that led this entire fight from the beginning? You defied the rebels at every turn. You got the dagger and escaped Ranville. You figured out the connection of Ranville to the very start of the rebels a thousand years ago. You unveiled the secrets of the King's book. You discovered where the rebels were hiding. Call it what you will, but you, my wife, are intelligent and strong."

"I was never alone in those accomplishments, everyone helped."

"Maybe, but you were the one with the ideas that put everything into motion." She opened her mouth to argue but he silenced her with a finger on her lips. "If you want to argue, you could make the case that maybe we would have gotten to the same conclusions eventually. But I'd argue that even if we did, it wouldn't have been in time to do any good." His finger dropped off her lips so he could cup her neck. Tilting her chin up, he forced her to look into his eyes. "I've been telling you from the start how valuable and cunning you are, my little temptress. I will never stop telling you. Nor will I ever give up on you."

He brought their faces even closer, their lips nearly touching. Looking into his eyes, she saw the depth of his love there, the endless well of compassion and patience she needed. "I don't see a broken girl. I see Liana, a female mage who was kidnapped and tortured as a child, then left to navigate this cruel world with a vital piece of her memory missing. A little girl that was terrified of her magic and didn't know why yet loved it even more despite that fear."

Tears started anew, her soul lifting from the dredges of her despair and self-pity.

"I see the courageous, selfless, and kind woman you've become, Liana. I love who you are, even the imperfect bits. I don't need you to be a master strategist or my strongest soldier, that's what I pay others for. I just need you to be yourself and stand beside me through this long life of ours." His thumbs brushed her tears away uselessly as more replaced them.

He always saw the best in her, even the best in her flaws. But perhaps she could believe him. Perhaps she wasn't as broken and flawed as she thought. Perhaps she could try to see herself more as others do and give herself a bit of grace. That would at least be a start to getting through each day without hating herself.

"I love you, Damien. You always know what to say to calm me down or make me see reason."

Chuckling, he gave her the classic brow raise. "Am I allowed to remind you of that statement the next time you scold me for being reasonable?"

A smile broke through the frown stuck on her face for the past few days. "You can do as you please. I can't promise how I'll react in the moment though."

Leaning his head back against their bed he let out a rumbling laugh. Soaking in the moment, she admired the curve of his tan neck and the way his laugh burrowed down deep in her empty chest to revive her broken heart. This was her mate, the love of her life and the man that knew her far better than she knew herself.

Resting her head on his shoulder, she snuggled into his warmth. There was nowhere she'd rather be. "What do we do now?"

He wrapped his arms around her tightly. "Tonight, we sleep. Tomorrow, we start healing."

Damien stood while keeping her secured and settled them into bed. "I love you, Liana," he whispered, the crackling of the fire a soothing background to their tender moment. "You are strong. You are worthy of this life." His fingers scratched along her scalp soothingly. "There is nothing wrong with you. You are not broken."

Secure in his arms, Liana fell asleep to his gentle whispers of love. Maybe she would be able to heal from this.

Eventually, she might even believe his words.