Chapter 14

Chapter

Fourteen

Belinda feltawful the rest of the day. She got ibuprofen, a stash of water bottles and dry food from the kitchen, and then she hid out in her suite, taking a long bath, and found some antibiotic cream and Band-Aids to doctor up her blisters, which only reminded her of Jagger carrying her up and down that steep trail, kissing her, and telling her she was beautiful and mesmerizing.

She tried to nap, one hand holding her bee ring.

Every part of her body, heart, and soul ached. She was head over heels in love with Jagger and feared she was hurting him over and over again with her hot and cold attitude toward him. She only wanted to tease with him, talk to him, laugh with him, snuggle with him, and kiss him, but she felt like she was betraying her parents even thinking that.

If there was any chance Jagger was right and her parents were the ones who had lied to her, then she and her parents were the biggest of jerks. She couldn't imagine that, but being close to Jagger again reminded her why she'd fallen in love with him. He understood her, loved her despite her sass, and he was loyal and true to his country and her. He was her perfect match. Her hero. Everything she ever wanted in a man was wrapped up in that muscular, appealing body of his.

She kept calling him the jerk, but she couldn't wrap her mind around him actually being one. Not to her. Yes, Jagger was hard and didn't sugarcoat things, but she loved that they could fight and kiss and be passionate. Maybe that didn't work for some couples, but it worked for them. If he was telling the truth, then she was the biggest of jerks, letting down her guard and kissing him, then yelling at him and berating him for lying to her.

Ah, she hated herself right now, and she was so confused.

She was too stirred up to sleep, and she had no clue what to do next. Until she talked to her parents, she couldn't just believe Jagger. Could she? If her parents had lied, would they keep lying to hide a painful truth? No way. But maybe. If it was true, how could her parents hide the truth for so many years?

Kneeling, she poured out her heart to her loving Father above. She stayed on her knees for a long time, not getting any blaring answers but feeling a sense of peace. She finally felt one quiet word—trust.

"Trust who?" she begged aloud. "My parents? Jag? You?"

Nothing. She claimed she always trusted Jesus, but at times like this, it was hard to trust and have faith that things would work out. Patience had never been her strong suit.

"‘Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him,'" she murmured.

She pounded the soft mattress in frustration, then stood and tried to pace, but her feet hurt.

A soft rap on the door brought her head around. Hope filled her heart. She'd gotten the answer to ‘trust' and then Jagger knocked on her door? That was her answer. It had to be.

Hobbling to the door, she flung it open, smiling in welcome.

Her soul dropped to see Hays standing on the other side.

"Hey." His welcoming smile was kind and concerned. "How are you feeling? How are your blisters?"

She lifted her bare foot. "I doctored myself up beautifully." She kept her smile on. It wasn't Hays's fault his buddy hadn't come. She'd thanked Paul and Hays profusely for saving her, feeling awful that she couldn't thank Jagger, kiss him desperately, then get upset with him again.

What a muddled mess.

"I feel terrible," she admitted, "but it's good to be here and rest." She wasn't going to explain the extent of her ‘terrible' feelings.

"I'm sorry you don't feel well. Would you like to join us for dinner?"

"Us?"

"Paul and I."

That hurt. Jagger not only hadn't come for her, but he wouldn't even eat dinner with her?

"I'm not hungry," she managed, only a slight wobble in her voice. "Why didn't Jag come?"

Hays lifted his brows. "He asked me to check on you and see if you'd eat, but he … needed to go swimming." He pointed out at the ocean. The thick trees next to their patio covering the beach path made it so she could glimpse a bit of the beach and the ocean. She wanted to run and watch Jagger swim.

"I see. Thanks for checking on me."

"Of course. Can I bring something up?"

"No, thank you."

Belinda had never been this quiet, and she was only this polite to the elderly.

Hays nodded and turned away.

"Do you know?" she demanded.

"Know?" He turned back. His dark eyes were very kind, like an adorable little boy's eyes, big and irresistible. She could bet nobody wanted to tell him no.

"How long have you been friends with Jagger?"

"Since basic training."

"I remember him talking about you. Do you know why he ditched me halfway through A school?"

Hays shook his head, lifting his hands. He paused as if debating how to share while still putting his loyalty to his friend first. "We all got our first leave in four and a half months that weekend," he said. "I went home to Long Island and … it was a rough weekend for me. When we got back, we were both a mess. Shawn tried to pry it out of us, and I tried to talk to Jagger, but … nothing."

So Jagger had gone somewhere, maybe to find her, and Hays could still pinpoint the weekend it happened all these years later.

"I'm sorry you had a rough time too," she said.

The eyes that had been so kind and almost boy-like hardened and Hays became as closed off as anybody she'd ever interacted with. His body coiled like he was ready to fight. The change was surprising, but even still she knew Hays would never do anything unkind to her. Whatever he'd been through, it had hurt him.

"It's all right," he said evenly. "Have a good night."

He turned and walked down the hall and disappeared down the stairs.

Belinda ran to her patio, pulling out her necklace and holding onto the ring. She could see Jagger's large form in the water. She wanted a closer view. Hurrying back into her room, she slid into some flip-flops, brushed her teeth, put on some mint-flavored lip gloss, fluffed her hair, hid her necklace again, and half-tripped on the way out her door and down the stairs.

When she reached the main area, Paul and Hays both rose from the table where they had a mouth-watering spread of pasta dishes, green salad, and breadsticks.

"Hey. You feeling better?" Paul asked.

Hays's eyes were still shuttered, but he smiled at her.

"A little. I'm going to walk down to the beach."

Hays's smile grew. He liked her with his buddy. If only Belinda knew if she should be with his buddy.

"We'll follow you until you're with Jagger," Hays said, easing around the table.

"You don't need to do that." The last thing she needed was an audience. She had no idea if she would apologize to Jagger, yell at him, kiss him, or simply beg him to know if she could trust him.

"We do," Paul said. "That convict is still on the loose."

"It'd be a stretch for that guy to get here."

"I've seen crazier things."

Hays nodded his agreement and waited for her.

"Okay. But as soon as Jag comes toward me, can you two disappear? I don't need an audience."

They both laughed at that.

"Sure," Hays said.

Paul nodded.

She smiled at them and walked through the living area, onto the patio, and down the trail to the beach. The two men shadowed her but gave her space. She got nervous the closer she got. What was she doing? She couldn't just claim she believed him and agree her parents could lie to her. She didn't want to confuse or hurt Jagger or confuse herself any more than she already was. But she wanted to see him.

She slipped her flip-flops off and left them next to the pair that were already there from the evening she'd run from Jagger up this very trail. That memory made her stomach squirm. If she let down her guard with Jagger, she could make this messy situation even worse.

Plunging through the soft, brown sand, she could see him out in the water. His broad, muscular arms sliced through with precision, his movements perfect to her untrained eye. She liked to swim, but she looked nothing like that with her imitation breaststroke and head out of the water.

Occasionally, she caught a glimpse of his chest, back, or face.

She eased down to where the water softly lapped the shore. A couple ladies were walking along the beach farther down, but it was quiet besides that. The air was moist, warm, and salty, the temperature perfect, but she started sweating.

What was she doing?

She glanced back and saw Paul and Hays quietly watching from the beach trail. Good guys. She raised a hand, and they each tilted their chin up to her. Really great guys.

Turning back to the ocean, she watched Jagger swim with strong, determined strokes. Suddenly he stopped and surfaced, treading water and staring straight at her. The breath caught in her lungs, and she couldn't move. Their gazes held. For a moment, he let down his walls and she could see how deeply she'd hurt him and how deeply he loved her. If she could trust him, he would forgive her. Her heart knew it.

Then he went underwater and swam straight toward her. She clutched her hands together, wondering again what she was doing. It was as if she were coming for him, but she couldn't. She had no answers, only questions. If her parents had truly separated them for fourteen years, she and her family owed him loads of apologies and she owed him fourteen years of kisses.

Could Jagger forgive all of them if that were the case? He would forgive her. He'd proven that this week trying to talk things out with her, protecting her, holding her, and lighting her up with his kisses. But she didn't know that her tough, prideful Jagger could forgive her parents. Heck, if what he'd told her was true, it would take her some time to forgive them, and she adored her parents.

He surfaced where the water was only waist deep. Belinda's pulse took off watching him walk toward her. He sparkled in the evening sun and his large, defined muscles were on fine display. The man she loved was spectacular. She'd be the luckiest woman in the world. If only they didn't have years of pain to overcome.

It was a shallow, gradual bay. It took him a while to walk toward her. She appreciated every step. His dark gaze was fixed on her, and he had a determined look on his face that boded very well for more kissing in her near future.

If only she knew what to say, what to think, what to believe, or how to proceed.

"You couldn't walk out to meet me?" he teased as he stopped a foot away from her in the inches-deep water.

"Didn't want to get my Band-Aid wet," she joked back.

He sobered. "Is your heel ripped apart?"

"It's fine. I'm fine." She waved a hand and then swallowed and admitted, "You look really, really fine."

Jagger half-laughed and brushed a hand through his wet hair. "Thank you. I think."

"You think? You told me I was beautiful, and I accepted the compliment very well, I must say."

He grinned. His gaze swept over her. "Yes you did, and yes you are." His eyes grew too serious. "But then you told me how sorry you are. Why are you sorry, Bee? I'd rather have you angry at me."

"You would?"

He nodded.

"Ah, Jag …" Emotion rose in her throat. "Of course you would." Anybody else would tell her to control her emotions, but Jagger liked everything about her.

"She stings like a bee, but her honey is so sweet," he said softly.

Belinda was moments away from crying. "I wish I could only give you honey and never sting you again."

"Do you?" He chuckled. "I don't know. I think you like to sting me so you can kiss me and make it all better."

"Well, at least you're tough enough to handle it." Physically he was, but emotionally? Did she simply wound him over and over again? She hated that.

"Only you would have to find an elite Navy SEAL to be able to ‘handle' you." He pumped his eyebrows and eased a few inches closer.

Belinda's heart rate spiked. She put a hand to her chest. "Oh, you." She took a deep breath. "You might be the only person in the world who truly gets me."

He tilted his head slightly to the side, his eyes suddenly serious. "Does that mean … you'll give us a chance again?"

She wanted to scream yes and throw herself against that beautiful spectacle of a chest he had. But she couldn't. Not until she talked to her parents.

"I don't know how, Jag," she flung out there, her voice pitching up with desperation. "You're all I want. All I ever wanted. I only married Mike because he never gave up on me. My parents thought he was the right one, and I was so lonely for you. Our marriage was boring and sad, and I feel awful that I wasted eight years of his life."

Jagger nodded that he understood.

"But I can't believe my parents would lie to me. I adore them and they've been there for me every moment of my life. How could I believe they'd do something so horrible to me? They saw how miserable I was without you. They knew I didn't love Mike as anything but a brother. Do you really think those angelic people would do that to me?"

A muscle worked in his jaw. He was frustrated, and she didn't blame him. She felt the same.

"So we're back to me being the liar?" he asked in a carefully controlled voice.

"I can't wrap my mind around you lying to me any better than I can wrap my mind around my parents hurting us like this." She was miserable.

He studied her. "It feels impossible right now."

"It does." She didn't know if he meant their future or her determining who was telling the truth—or him ever forgiving her parents if he was telling the truth. It was all a mess.

The waves softly rolled onto the beach. Seagulls squawked and postured, and a warm breeze stirred her hair.

She felt frozen in time with no way to fix the past and no way to make the future work.

"I'm sorry." She backed up a few steps.

"I told you I'd rather have you angry." He cracked his knuckles.

Belinda managed to smile at that. She wished she could grab his hand. She wanted to beg him to forget all of it for tonight and just hold her and kiss her. Come tomorrow, they'd go their separate ways and she'd long for him like she had for years. At least tomorrow she'd have answers and know the truth.

They stood there, neither of them saying a word. She didn't know what to say, and she could understand if he felt the same.

"I should go swim some more."

"Does it help?"

He shrugged. "It helps work my frustration out but gives my mind too much time to wander."

"At least it's more productive than sitting in my room trying to sleep and wishing I didn't have to think anymore."

"True." He gave her a sad smile. "Let me walk you up to the house. I noticed Hays and Paul disappeared."

"Good guys."

"For sure."

She turned, and they plunged through the sand side by side, but they weren't touching and they weren't speaking and she felt even more unsettled and uncertain than she had when she'd come down here.

Reaching the beach path, she picked up her extra flip-flops and slid into the other ones. The sand was gritty between her feet and the sandals. It was good to have something annoying to focus on so she didn't break down and cry. She glanced askance at Jagger, admiring everything about him but having no clue how they could ever be together.

"Do you think you'll ever retire from the SEALs?" she asked as they reached the patio. She could see Hays and Paul finishing their dinner through the huge windows. They both looked their way and then focused on their plates.

"Not until they force me to retire from active duty," he said, studying her. "If I'm not a commanding officer by then, I want to train special forces. What else would I do?"

She'd always told him she'd support him in his Navy dreams, but she could understand why her dad had repeatedly worried that it was a hard life for marriage and families. She'd love Jagger by her side every moment, but she'd still support him in his career and his dreams.

"I'm sure you're brilliant at it. Just what I saw yesterday … you were incredible." She shivered at the memory. She'd watched men die in front of her. Though they were awful men, it had been terrifying. How much death had Jagger seen? How many people had he killed?

Jagger wrapped his arms around her and cuddled her close as if she were a small child. Belinda was instantly safe, happy, loved, and exhilarated. She slid her arms around his bare back and rested her cheek against the firm skin of his chest. She was worried about him and he unselfishly comforted her.

"I'm sorry you had to see that. Do you want to talk through anything? I know that can be traumatic."

"I'm okay. I'll talk to my dad when I get home."

His muscles tightened at that. She tensed as well. Her dad was a hot button for him, and she didn't blame him, but her dad was a huge part of her life—her champion, her father, her pastor, and her confidant.

"I'm just so grateful you came for me," she said.

"Are you?"

She glanced up at him. His expression was a little teasing but mostly confused.

"You were pretty mad at me last night."

"You said you liked me mad," she reminded him.

"Only when I get sweet honey after." His gaze dropped to her lips.

"I gave you sweet honey before," she sassed him. "You can't have honey all the time. You'd have cavities."

Jagger chuckled. "Ah, Bee." He ran his hands up her back, and she quivered under his touch. He framed her face with his hands and studied her. She loved how his towering, strong form surrounded her. "You think we'll ever figure us out?"

"I don't know," she admitted, miserable just thinking about it.

His dark eyes were sad. She wanted to arch toward him and kiss him, but she knew that wouldn't be fair to him.

Releasing her, he backed up a few steps. "I hope you can rest."

"Have a good swim," she managed, her heart ripping apart, but she couldn't blame him for backing away or walking away.

He only tilted his chin up to her and then spun and strode off the patio, his large frame disappearing in the thick vegetation lining the trail.

She spun and rushed into the house. "Hi." She waved and hurried past Paul and Hays. They were probably as confused as she and Jagger were.

"Hey." Paul smiled. "We saved you lots of dinner."

"No thanks. Goodnight."

"Night," they both murmured.

Pounding up the steps, she made it to her room and out to her patio. The light was fading as the sun set, but she could just see Jagger striding through the shallow water and then diving in and swimming through the waves.

She pulled out her necklace and held her bee ring while she watched him.

How she loved him.

But she doubted they'd ever ‘figure them out.'