Chapter 9

nine

“Hey.” Fallon shoved her hands into her jeans as she stood awkwardly in front of her sister.

Monti’s pick of dinner location was somewhere Fallon had never even heard of. The small hole-in-the-wall vegan restaurant was exactly what she’d expected out of her baby sister, and she was only enduring it because something had clicked in that desperate phone call she’d made.

Something that she still couldn’t name but was leaning into.

“You ever been here before?” Monti asked as she opened the door for them.

“Can’t say I have.” That shouldn’t come as a surprise, but then again, Athena knew Fallon better than Monti did at this point. Hell, Savannah might even know her better. She at least listened when Fallon was talking.

“It’s good. I promise.” Monti folded her hands together and bowed to the waitress when they entered. She rambled something off in another language, and Fallon narrowed her gaze. Just how many languages did Monti know?

They were brought to a small table in the back, one that was more off to the side than the others, at least as much as it could be in this small place. “What language was that?”

“Vietnamese.” Monti pressed her lips together hard. “I lived there for eighteen months.”

“I remember,” Fallon responded, trying not to make her tone too annoyed or dark. Monti hadn’t told her or Tia that she’d moved there until she was five months in, and Tia had freaked out because Monti hadn’t called her or responded to texts in weeks. But bringing that up wouldn’t put them on the right path for this conversation. “I didn’t realize you’d learned the language.”

“Kind of hard not to when you live with the locals. It’s respectful, I think.”

“You’re probably right.” Fallon wasn’t sure what to say other than that, so she took to looking around the small restaurant. She had never been worldly like Monti. In fact, she’d never even left the country. There were too many dangers out there for a young single woman, and she wasn’t willing to put herself in a situation where something could—or would—happen.

“Where are you going next?” She knew she better start some kind of conversation, otherwise the stale air between them was going to become too uncomfortable.

“I’m planning a trip to Kathmandu with Athena for next year.”

Fallon wrinkled her brow. “Next year?”

“It’s going well between us.”

“I’ve never known you to plan anything in advance.”

Monti shrugged. “People can change. Do you want me to order for you?”

“Oh. Sure.” Fallon leaned back as Monti and the waitress—or perhaps she was the owner—conversed in Vietnamese. She had no idea what was being said, but Monti seemed to be having the conversation of her life.

By the time the woman left, Fallon was feeling more inferior by the second. Which hadn’t been the point of coming out with Monti. But just what had been the point? Reconnecting. Right. Fallon folded her hands together in her lap, unsure of where to start.

They needed to be sisters again, which meant that Fallon was really going to have to learn to stop trying to parent Monti—which she’d done Monti’s entire life. But she had no clue how.

“I was surprised when you called the other night,” Monti started. “You seem to have distanced yourself since Athena and I started dating.”

That was true. Fallon had distanced herself, not just from Monti but also from Athena, and even Tia. She’d needed the time to process on her own, figure out what her role was going to be and where she fit into everything. And she’d decided that she didn’t. Not with the way their relationships were currently built, which led her right back to why she was here. To do something different.

“I struggle because of what happened with our parents,” Fallon said, starting right where she didn’t want to but knew they needed to. “I struggle in ways you don’t.”

“That’s to be expected.”

“I don’t need my psychologist sister right now, Monti.” Fallon frowned when Monti put her hands up in defense.

“That’s fair.”

Taking a deep breath, Fallon tightened her grasp on her fingers. She was so closed in on herself all the time that she could barely keep herself functioning most days. But she liked how she functioned because it worked. And making any changes threatened to topple her over on her ass.

“I met a woman about two months ago now, and I can’t help but wonder if I would be like her if I hadn’t grown up in our house.”

“What do you mean?”

Fallon wasn’t even sure what she meant by that. Or how to explain it in a way that Monti might be able to pick through and find the truth to the matter at hand. Fallon took her time though, because if there was anything that the two of them got right, it was patiently waiting for each other to speak. Most days anyway.

“Her ex—I think anyway—was far more abusive than she might recognize.”

“Oh, it’s so hard. Cycles of abuse, escaping it—it’s impossible to know what everyone’s limits are, where they begin or where they end.”

Except Fallon knew exactly where her limits were, and that was none. She couldn’t handle it. She’d barely managed to stay put while Forrest had berated Savannah in front of everyone there, especially in front of Brinley. She’d said what she said because she couldn’t stay silent, but she had watched Savannah not make a move one direction or the other.

That was the heart of her problem with a deeper relationship with Savannah, wasn’t it?

Savannah had taken the verbal beating without a second thought. Because she was so used to it that she couldn’t see how bad it was.

“Would you ever be with someone who was like that?”

Monti shook her head slowly. “Not on purpose. I have been, but as soon as it moved toward abuse, I got out quickly. It’s so easy to know what that looks like because we’ve been there. We were raised in it, and then we left it.”

“We were ripped from it.” Fallon’s voice was harsher than she anticipated it to be. But it was the truth. She hadn’t wanted to leave the abuse the way she had. The loss hadn’t been worth it.

“We were,” Monti agreed. “And then we were with Tia, and she did everything in her power to teach us that that life isn’t healthy. It’s not good. It’s not normal. And she spent years pounding that into our skulls.”

Fallon could agree with that, but it still meant that she was left where she was now. Single. Afraid of relationships. Terrified of love. And just because she’d met Savannah, she was pondering all her life choices, ones that she had held firmly to for decades. Ones she’d never been willing to budge on before.

“Is this all because of one woman?” Monti asked.

“Yes,” Fallon answered honestly. “She left her husband, but that doesn’t mean she’s left the abuse.”

“Is there a kid in the mix?”

Fallon nodded.

“Then she might not have been able to leave or have as clean of a break as she wanted to have. She might be stuck with him for the rest of her life, or until he loses interest or finds another target. There are so many reasons why she might still be in a relationship with him of some sort. You can’t judge the fact that she’s still connected with him. She might not want to be.”

Fallon nodded slowly, understanding what Monti wasn’t saying directly. She needed to stop judging. Period. But that was hard, especially when she was so up close and personal with what the outcome could be. She witnessed firsthand what devastation those kinds of people could bring.

“Is this why you asked me to dinner?” Monti finally caught Fallon’s attention again.

“Somewhat.” Fallon’s cheeks heated. “I mostly wanted to apologize.”

“What for?” Monti’s face scrunched in that way it always did when she was uncertain of something. She’d done it ever since she was a little kid. Fallon would recognize that look anywhere.

“For trying to be more of a parent than sister to you.”

“Oh, Fallon.” Monti sighed heavily, her face relaxing instantly. “You don’t have to apologize for that. We were both going through so much.”

“Still, I feel it’s owed.” Fallon rubbed her palms along her thighs, nerves already wreaking havoc on her body. She could still control them at this point, though. “I want more of a relationship with you, a sisterly one, than we’ve had before. If you’re up for that.”

“I am.” Monti nodded. “I’d like that too, honestly. Having more roots here than I’ve ever had before has shown me just what I’m missing out on. And it’s not something I’m willing to give up. Not anymore.”

“I’m glad to hear that.” Warmth filled Fallon’s chest. She sucked in a sharp breath and closed her eyes. “We should probably tell Tia.”

Monti laughed heartedly. “Yeah, we probably should. But then she might not make us wear the get along shirt anymore.”

“Oh my God. That shirt!” Fallon spiraled into a fit of giggles. They’d both hated that shirt with everything they had. It was a T-shirt about ten sizes too big, and when they were fighting or arguing, Tia would make them put it on together until they could resolve their problems. Sometimes they’d sit for hours in that shirt just not talking to each other. They were both stubborn fools, and Tia had her work cut out of her, that was for sure.

“It was so bad.” Monti wiped the tears of laughter from her eyes. “Do you think she still has it?”

“God, I hope not.”

As their food was brought to them, the talk morphed into memories and simply talking in ways they hadn’t done since they were little kids—if they even managed to do it then. It was almost like they were friends, as if they hadn’t spent years arguing and keeping each other at an arm’s length.

Just what would Tia think when they broke the news to her?

As Fallon left the restaurant, her heart full and light, she pulled out her phone. But then she stopped. Just what did she want to tell Savannah? Was she willing to have some kind of physical relationship with her? Or did she want to avoid that hurt altogether? Because there was no doubt in her mind that she was going to be thrown into the abuse that Savannah was still facing if she stayed in a relationship with her in any capacity—friends or more.

She waited until she got home, until she was curled up on her couch with the television on, and until she’d worked through exactly how she wanted to word the text message.

Fallon: I’m willing, if you are.

She set the phone down on the couch, keeping the screen up so she could see when Savannah wrote back. This wasn’t a relationship. Savannah had made that much clear. And sex would be much better if they were more familiar with each other. It would make their connection deeper. Friends with benefits was something Fallon could handle. So long as Savannah could.

Her phone rang an hour later. Fallon answered it as her heart thudded a steady rhythm, moving from high in her chest, into her throat, and then into the back of her mouth.

“Hello?”

“I’m willing,” Savannah said, out of breath. “I’m willing.”

Joy bubbled right alongside with arousal. Fallon sank into her couch, ignoring the screen flashing the news and focusing only on the conversation. “When do you have a free night?”

“Not tonight. I mean, I wish tonight, but Brin…”

“I get it, Savannah. You don’t have to apologize for being a parent and making Brinley your priority. I’ll never scold you for that, and I’ll never make you apologize for it.”

Savannah breathed a sigh of relief. Fallon could feel it all the way from across town.

“So until you have a free night, don’t worry about us. And until you have a free night, don’t fret over making one.”

“Fallon…” Her name was a prayer from Savannah’s lips. “I want you tonight. I wanted you in that damn elevator last week. I wanted you to kiss me.”

Fallon hummed, closing her eyes and remembering just what it felt like to be standing that close to Savannah. “I very nearly did.”

“Kiss me?” Savannah squeaked.

Chuckling lightly, Fallon nodded even though Savannah couldn’t see her. “Yes. Kissed you.”

“I wish you had.”

“Next time, Savannah.” Fallon played with the edge of the throw blanket she always kept nearby. The fringe was soft against her fingers. She imagined it was as soft as Savannah’s hair would be sliding through her fingertips. “When do you have a free night?”

“I have no clue.” Savannah sounded frustrated now, not with Fallon but with herself and her own schedule. “Forrest is out of town this week.”

“Pity.” Fallon was so tempted to take this further, to do something she wouldn’t normally do. But the real question was if Savannah would be up for it. “Have you ever had phone sex?”

“What? No, not really.”

“What do you mean not really ?” Fallon waited patiently for the answer, wanting the answer. She wanted Savannah to be as open and honest about this part of their relationship as she had been in others.

“Well, Forrest wanted to, so he did. But I was folding laundry while he did it.”

Fallon snorted before she could stop herself. That was absolutely something she would have done if she hadn’t been into whoever she was with. Which was another reason relationships weren’t for the best. This way she was only ever with people that she wanted to be with when she wanted to be with them. It was so much easier this way.

“If you’re up for trying again, I am.” Fallon hoped Savannah would. But she’d have to be convinced that this time was different first.

“Not tonight, as much as I’d love to try.” Savannah whimpered. “Brinley’s still awake.”

“Next time then. Text me when you’re ready.”

“Oh, I will. I promise.”

Fallon hung up. For the first time in a long time, this was right. Something she had done, a choice she had made, was for the best. Even if it was only temporary. She wasn’t going to regret this. She couldn’t.