Chapter 19

nineteen

The text had been nothing but vague.

Just a simple, please come over tonight, Brinley’s at Forrest’s .

The door opened, and Savannah looked stunning. Her hair was in waves around her shoulders, her eyes were bright in ways they hadn’t been the last time Fallon had seen her. Fallon’s lips parted, and her heart raced. She wanted to step in and press their mouths together, kiss Savannah until they needed breath.

Savannah’s lips pulled upward to the side in a half-smile. “You can kiss me.”

“Thank God.” Fallon wrapped her hand in Savannah’s hair against the back of her neck and pulled her tight.

Fallon’s mouth brushed across Savannah’s before she dove in. Their tongues tangled. Fallon’s eyes fluttered shut, and she poured everything she had into this one kiss. With the way she’d left the other week, she wasn’t sure this would ever happen again. Turning Savannah into the wall by the door, Fallon pressed into her and held her in place.

“Touch me,” Savannah murmured against Fallon’s mouth.

Fallon kicked the door closed and fumbled for the lock. Finally, her fingers brushed across the deadbolt, and she flicked it. She didn’t want to move. Everything she wanted tonight was right here at the tip of her fingers, and she was scared if she slipped to the side too far that Savannah would pull back and stop everything.

Kissing down Savannah’s neck to the top of her chest, Fallon pushed her hands up under Savannah’s shirt to touch her hot skin. She groaned at the thought of what was coming next, soft tender flesh, hot, supple. Fallon flicked the side of her thumb over Savannah’s nipple as she cupped her breast under the strain of her bra. Savannah moaned, arching her back and pushing toward Fallon.

“Do you like that?” Fallon asked, trailing kisses up Savannah’s neck to her mouth.

“Yes.” Savannah tightened her grasp on Fallon’s hips, holding her close. “Yes, do it again.”

Fallon complied, teasing Savannah’s nipple under the fabric of her clothes. She’d never thought in her wildest dreams that this would be where they ended up tonight. She’d thought without a doubt that Savannah had called her over to end their relationship, to finish it swiftly and easily. Sucking Savannah’s lip between her teeth, Fallon nibbled and released.

“Bedroom?” Fallon asked.

Savannah didn’t answer verbally. She pushed Fallon’s shoulders back and stepped away, sliding between Fallon and the wall until she was free from both. She tossed a come hither look over her shoulder and started down the short hallway.

Fallon could barely drag her gaze away from Savannah’s ass as she followed. The sway from side to side was the most glorious thing she’d ever seen. There was confidence in every step, a sense of knowing who she was and where she was going. Fallon had worked hard to find that in her own life, and she was glad to see Savannah had found the same.

Once inside Savannah’s bedroom, Fallon nearly drooled. Savannah was already stripping off her shirt and her pajama shorts. “Did you bring the strap?”

Fallon shook her head sharply. “I wasn’t sure what the invitation was for.”

Savannah paused, slowly dropping her shirt onto the floor next to the bed. “I thought this was what our relationship was about.”

“It is, but after the other week, I wasn’t sure if that was still on the table.”

“Why wouldn’t it be?” Savannah squinted, coming closer to where Fallon stood. She trailed her hands up Fallon’s arms to her shoulders, cupping her cheeks. “I never said I wanted to stop.”

“It was just a concern, one that doesn’t matter anymore.” Fallon moved into Savannah, wrapping her arms around Savannah’s back and dipping down to kiss her. There was far more comfort in Savannah’s arms than she ever anticipated. She thought they’d have a deeper connection because of their tentative friendship, but whatever they’d found was beyond her wildest imagination.

“Good to hear,” Savannah murmured before walking backward toward the bed. She climbed onto it, resting on her back.

Fallon immediately undid the buttons on her blouse and stepped out of her heels. Savannah slid her fingers between her legs and touched herself while Fallon pulled the edges of her blouse apart. As soon as she looked up and made eye contact, Savannah closed her legs over so Fallon couldn’t see what was happening.

“Don’t do that,” Fallon said gently. “Let me watch. I enjoy it.”

Savannah’s cheeks were fire-engine red. She shook her head, her eyes wide. But Fallon couldn’t tell if that was fear or something else.

“Why not?” Fallon asked, uneasiness settling into the top of her chest.

“I don’t look good doing it.”

“No one looks good having sex.” Fallon scrunched her nose and reached to her waist to undo the snap and zipper on the slacks she’d worn all day.

“Yeah, but I look awful.”

Fallon froze mid-motion with her fingers hooked in her waistband. She raised her gaze and stared directly at Savannah. “I don’t even know what to say to that.”

Savannah’s mouth opened and closed in silence several times before she shook her head in bewilderment. Fallon felt the same. She stood still, half undressed, and she looked directly at Savannah. She had no idea what to do next. Continue or stop? Say something or ignore? And Savannah wasn’t giving her any hints.

“I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want to be here.” Fallon clenched her fists tightly, still not moving any closer. Something about this made her want to keep her distance. She needed to make sure the space between them was still there for her own sake.

“Oh I…” Savannah curled up on the bed, folding in on herself. She moved so that most of her body was covered even though she was still naked, her large breasts peeking out from behind her arms the only hint of what they’d been moving toward in the last five minutes. “I wouldn’t think otherwise.”

“Why would I care about whether or not sex looks good?” Fallon furrowed her brow, still keeping her eyes on Savannah. What was going on? She was more confused now than she was before. This could just be another insecurity popping up, but it could be something else too, and Fallon wasn’t sure which seemed more plausible.

“I don’t know,” Savannah mumbled.

Fallon could see Savannah shutting down and closing in on herself even more. But she wasn’t sure if it was even her place to try to pull Savannah out. They were fuck buddies, right? Nothing more. Fallon steadied herself, moving through option after option of the direction she could take the conversation, one that would land them both naked in bed, but she wasn’t finding it.

Because they weren’t in a relationship.

“Will you come here?” Savannah asked.

Fallon was shaking her head no before she knew what she was doing. Her entire body was tight with tension and fear. “I won’t fight this battle for you.”

“What battle?” Savannah sounded confused.

Fallon couldn’t blame her. She wasn’t doing a good job explaining. “I want to be here tonight. I want to fuck you into oblivion, and I want you to do the same to me. That’s why I’m here. Nothing else.”

“I know that.” Savannah frowned. She reached for the blanket on the end of the bed and started to pull it toward herself. “You’ve made that very clear from day one. You don’t want anything to do with me but sex.”

But that wasn’t right. Fallon hadn’t made that clear from day one. She’d tried to make it clear, even for herself, and yet each time she’d thought about Savannah there had been more to their relationship than Fallon had wanted to admit.

“That’s what we agreed to,” Fallon said slowly, her voice lower and quieter than she expected. She just wanted to be wrapped up in Savannah already, pressed between her legs and lost in the sensations and touches that she knew Savannah would elicit.

“You’re right. It is.” Savannah pulled her lower lip between her teeth and raised her gaze to meet Fallon’s. “And I’m not sure why. I’m not very good at this.”

“Jesus Christ,” Fallon muttered, back to that tension that she’d just thought was lessening. “What the hell did he do to you, Savannah?”

“Wh-what?”

“What did he do? Because this woman, this pitiful excuse for a woman isn’t who you are. And I can’t make you believe otherwise. It’s not my job to show you that you’re different than what he told you. I can’t fight your bad self-esteem for you.” The outburst left a wake of energy rumbling through Fallon’s body, but she could already feel the fallout happening. She could already feel Savannah pulling away from her even more, being fearful from her outburst of emotion.

Savannah shook her head slowly from side to side. “This was a bad idea.”

“It really was.” Fallon reached for her waistband and immediately zipped up her slacks and slid the hooks together again. “The sex was fun while it lasted, Savannah. It really was.”

Fallon moved her hands up to her shirt and started with the buttons. They were mismatched, but she didn’t care. She just wanted to get dressed enough so she could get out of this room and out of the apartment.

“That’s it?” Savannah squeaked. “You’re just leaving.”

“I told you that I’m not going to fight your battles for you. I don’t know what’s in your past, but I’m not going to let you degrade yourself in front of me.” Fallon grabbed her jacket from the floor and slipped her heels onto her feet. Reaching for the doorknob, she froze when Savannah’s voice hit her.

“I never asked you to fight them.”

Fallon’s shoulders hurt from how tight they were. She closed her eyes and debated whether or not to look over her shoulder.

“I’m not a perfect person, Fallon. And if you expected that, then your expectations are out of bounds. No one’s perfect. Not even you.”

“I never asked for perfection,” Fallon said as she looked at Savannah, wrapped in the blanket on the bed. Fallon had taken her heart and ripped her to shreds. When had it come to this? When had they allowed themselves to break their own rules, rules that they had set from the very beginning.

“Of course you didn’t.” Savannah wrinkled her nose. “You just asked for sex with no emotional connection at all while you asked to be my friend in the same breath. You help my daughter make breakfast and talk to her like you care and then walk out like you can’t be bothered with either of us. Yet somehow, you want all of us to remain unaffected by your presence, as if you make no dent in our lives at all. Well, that’s bullshit, Fallon. You have made a dent. A fucking large one.”

“I didn’t ask for this!” Fallon whipped around and pointed her finger at Savannah. Anger surged through her, not just bubbling, but all out exploding straight from her tongue. Hints of her father in each of the words she spewed. “I didn’t want this. You changed the rules. You broke them.”

“We both did!” Savannah shouted back. “I never claimed to be perfect, but you have. You think you have your life all figured out, but I don’t think you do. I think you keep everyone at arm’s length because you’re too damn scared of what might happen if you get close to someone.”

Fallon’s heart sank. Was she that transparent? How the hell had Savannah figured that one out? Fallon’s heart thudded so hard it was difficult to breathe. It clogged up her throat, reminded her just how tight her chest was with tension. Fallon stared, bewildered.

“Fuck you. No one is perfect.”

Without another word, Fallon walked out of the bedroom. She snagged her purse from the floor by the door where she’d dropped it, and she gripped the strap hard. She was out the front door in an instant, slamming it shut behind her. The resounding bang echoed down the brightly lit hallway.

Tears built up in her eyes, threatening to fall down her cheeks and burn a trail of despair. Fallon stood, once again frozen on the spot as she stared down the hallway toward freedom. She’d wanted this, hadn’t she?

She’d been the one to approach Savannah about a relationship. She’d been the one to lay down the rules of what they could and couldn’t do. She’d been the one… Fallon tightened her jaw and fist, really wishing she could smack her hand into the wall. Instead, she took slow and deep breaths. Her heart was still racing, and she really needed to calm that down.

Savannah was right.

The rules had never been clear. They’d stated them and immediately ignored them. There was so much more between the two of them than just sex, and it had been that way from the very moment Fallon happened upon Savannah at the cemetery carrying flowers for a dead woman she’d never met. Who brings flowers to a headstone out of adjacent guilt? Fallon sucked in a sharp breath, those tears sliding down her cheeks in absolute anger.

She swiped them away with her palms before rolling her shoulders and looking down at herself. Who was she kidding? She had loved every moment she’d spent with Brinley so far. It hadn’t been much, but the little moments had given her more hope for the upcoming generation than anything. Brinley was smart, strong, and very astute. Fallon saw more of herself in that kid than she had in anyone else.

This wasn’t right.

None of it had been right.

Fallon twisted on her toes and faced Savannah’s door again.

What was she doing?

Why was she here?

She had spent the last few months getting to know this woman and her family and her past, learning about the grief she harbored for her dead twin brother and the love she held onto for her sister-in-law and nieces and nephews, the absolute adoration she held for her daughter.

Fallon had witnessed Savannah in some of her lowest lows as she navigated grief and walked the path she’d been set on. And what had Fallon done? Put up walls and held Savannah at an arm’s length. She couldn’t deny that accusation. It was nothing but true.

Savannah was behind that wall. All Fallon had to do was open the door and find out if Savannah was as imperfect as she claimed. Fallon had to decide. She had to discover. Were they shattered in ways that they could be put back together? And could they do that with each other?

“No one’s perfect,” Fallon whispered as she reached for the doorknob and twisted.