Chapter 12

twelve

“It’s been a whole week!” Kyla giggled.

“I know.” Savannah covered her face, trying to hide her embarrassment about the entire situation. She wanted to be with Fallon again. She’d wanted it since the moment she’d left Fallon’s apartment. Getting that night out of her mind was next to impossible. She’d tried. More times than she could count.

“You’re lovesick.”

“No, I’m not.” Horny is more like it. Though Savannah didn’t say that last bit out loud. There were way too many kids running around, and her youngest niece, Justice, was curled up in Kyla’s lap, half dozing and half wide-awake.

“I think you are. I haven’t seen you like this in forever.”

That thought struck her. Savannah hadn’t been this happy in a long time. Still, though, she didn’t think Fallon had thought about their night since she’d left. They’d agreed to take everything one night at a time, and that night had been all they’d agreed to. But Fallon had continued to text random things throughout her day and evening. Nothing of major consequence, but nothing confirming that they’d be together again either.

“Savannah?”

“Huh?”

“Your phone.”

“Oh.” Savannah glanced down at the phone on the table, and sure enough, Fallon had already texted again. They were continuing a debate about the best flavor of popcorn, which hadn’t really gotten them that far. All they’d decided was that the flavor depended on the drink, or lack of drink, and nothing sweet and soaked in caramel could be considered for regular popcorn eating outside of holidays.

“I think it’s good for you,” Kyla continued.

“What’s good for me?” Savannah typed a quick response without thinking about it.

“That you’re dating someone.”

“We’re not dating. I’ve seen her more in the lawyer’s office than I have outside of it.” Savannah halted everything. She hadn’t meant to say that. She’d been so damn careful to keep the two separated, to make sure that Kyla didn’t connect those dots if she didn’t want to. “Ky, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have.”

“So you’re still talking with the lawyer?” Kyla’s happiness from before was gone in a flash.

“I am.” Savannah sighed. “I’m sorry. I thought you knew that.”

“I think I did know.” Kyla pressed her lips together hard and stared down at her daughter. The joy from moments before was overshadowed by sorrow so deep that Savannah didn’t want to touch it. “What does the lawyer say?”

“It’s not good news,” Savannah answered, hesitating. Kyla had asked her to leave it alone, not to share anything about the ongoing case, and yet here she was asking about it. Perhaps this was the chance that Savannah had been waiting for. “They really need you to be the one initiating, or at least present for the case.”

“I can’t do that.” Kyla’s voice dropped. “I’m just trying to move on with my life and figure out what I’m supposed to do next. I need to find a job, somehow, so I can pay the bills.”

“This will help cover that if we win.”

“If…” Kyla looked at her directly. “If.”

Savannah knew exactly what Kyla wasn’t saying. “Yeah, if we win. And after talking with Athena, it’s not going to be an easy case to win, but there might be a settlement.”

“I can’t do this, Savannah. I told you that already.”

“I know you did. I know.” Savannah nodded, already closing back in on herself. She should have started this conversation better, should have navigated it better. Sighing, she brushed her fingers through her hair. “I know you asked me not to talk about it. I didn’t mean to.”

“I brought it up,” Kyla answered. She flicked her gaze around the room, to each of her kids that were lounging and playing, along with the extra older one that Savannah was coming to know. Holli’s youngest had only one more year at the house before he’d be out and on his own, at least that’s what Kyla had told her. “We’re just trying to survive most days.”

“This will help with that. Look, I can’t do much for you. I don’t have a house big enough, I don’t make enough money to support you, but I can do this.”

“I know you think you can.” Kyla combed her fingers through the baby’s hair. “But I don’t think it’s worth it.”

“It can be. It can give you the cushion you need. Junior’s going off to college in a couple years. He’s going to need the money.”

“Savannah.” Kyla’s voice was a warning more than anything.

Putting her hands up, Savannah nodded. “Fine. I’ll drop it. But it would help if you’d come down and talk with Athena if you want. If you don’t, then you don’t. I’ll leave you out of it as much as I can.”

“I wish you would stop.”

“I am stopping.”

“No, stop the lawsuit.”

The punch to Savannah’s gut was harder than she’d ever thought possible. Didn’t Kyla see that she was doing this for them? That it was one of the few ways that she could manage to make some good out of this god-awful situation? Shaking her head, Savannah tensed. “I don’t know if I can do that.”

“Then you need to figure out if you’re suing for me or for yourself.”

Cold washed through Savannah, making her hands clammy with sweat. She clenched her jaw and took a deep breath, plastering on the smile that everyone expected her to have. “I should get going.”

“Savannah,” Kyla objected.

“I’ll give you a call about dinner next week.” Savannah pushed herself back from the table and started toward the door. “Thanks again for watching Brin last week.”

“Savannah!”

“See you, kids! Love you!” Savannah escaped the house as quickly as she could. She slid into her car and started the engine, pulling out from the curb as fast as possible.

She had to get out of there. Tears streamed down her cheeks and fell onto her jeans. She drove, still crying, all the way to Fallon’s apartment. When she parked outside, she couldn’t even remember why she was there or how she’d managed to find it without her GPS.

What was she doing here?

Savannah brushed her hands over her cheeks, staying still in her seat. She couldn’t bring herself to move, whether up to Fallon’s apartment or home to her empty apartment. Struggling was all she could think about. The struggle to move forward without Conrad, the heartache and pain that came with every time she thought about him.

When would it end?

The knock on her door startled her. She jerked with a start and looked up to find Fallon staring at her through the window. Savannah rolled it down and shook her head. “I didn’t mean—I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t be here.”

“What’s wrong?” Fallon asked, the firmness in her voice not worrying but actually comforting, like Fallon was going to take control of the situation and make everything better.

Savannah shook her head again, pressing her lips together hard. “It’s not something I can really talk about with you.”

Cocking her head to the side, Fallon narrowed her gaze. “Come on.”

The driver’s door opened, and Fallon was reaching in and pushing the button to turn off the engine. Savannah was halfway dragged out of the car, her hand firmly in Fallon’s as she was led to the elevator and up to Fallon’s front door.

As soon as they were inside, Fallon dropped her keys and purse onto the small table next to the door and took Savannah by the hand, leading her to the couch.

“Is Brinley okay?” she asked before she even managed to sit down.

Savannah faltered, frowning. She hadn’t even thought that Fallon might think something was wrong with Brinley. It was kind and caring in a way she hadn’t expected from her one-night stand, or was it no strings attached, or friends with benefits? She couldn’t tell. Her head spun if she thought about it for too long.

“Brin is fine.”

“Good.” Fallon patted the couch next to her, expecting Savannah to sit. “Then what’s wrong?”

“I…” Savannah bit the inside of her cheek to keep herself from talking. She slid onto the couch and shook her head, her hair spinning around her face. “I can’t talk to you about it.”

“Your case.”

Nodding, Savannah folded her hands together tightly. “I can’t talk to anyone about it.”

That was unfortunately enough to start the tears again. She’d felt alone when Conrad had left her, but she’d never felt more alone than now. She was in her grief, spinning circles in ways that weren’t productive, and no one was there to join her through the motions of just missing her best friend, her brother, the person that could never be replaced in her life.

Fallon crossed her legs, sighing as she leaned back into the couch. She looked across the room before giving Savannah a hard stare. “When my mother died, I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone. I mean, Monti was right there, but she was two—what could she honestly say. And Tia…” Fallon sighed heavily. “Tia was dealing with her own drama. Her brother was an abuser, an addict, and a murderer, and he was dead.”

Savannah tensed. She slowly turned her gaze to meet Fallon’s.

“For years, I spun in circles with what I felt like was no one to talk to. I mean Tia sent us to therapy because she was told it would be helpful, but without the right therapist—”

“It doesn’t do any good,” Savannah interrupted.

“It doesn’t,” Fallon agreed. “I can talk to you about Conrad and about the loneliness that becomes the center of your world when you lose someone that close to you. I can talk for hours about how it never really goes away, we just get better at dealing with it. We can get drunk and share the horror stories of our families together. None of that is a part of your case.”

Hope bloomed in Savannah’s chest. “You’d really do that?”

Fallon pursed her lips, pausing and then nodding. “I would.”

“You never struck me as someone who would talk about vulnerabilities.” Savannah relaxed. This was what she’d needed—exactly what she’d needed. Someone who wasn’t afraid to admit that her grief still existed. Someone who would make space for it to tear her apart and then be there while she built herself back up.

“I’m not,” Fallon answered honestly. “But you keep surprising me with yours. I feel it’s only fair to share mine.”

Savannah smiled, her eyes lighting up even through the tears.

“Kyla won’t talk about him. Not really. I mean she won’t talk about him not being here anymore.”

Fallon nodded, taking Savannah’s hand in her own and curling their fingers together.

“I miss him. I want him here. I want to go back to how everything was before—well, almost everything.” She’d never go back to being with Forrest, that was for damn sure. And she was fairly certain she didn’t need to say that out loud for Fallon to understand. “It’s like he left, and there’s the giant hole in me, and I don’t think it’ll ever go away.”

“It might not.” Fallon squeezed Savannah’s hand tightly. “And I know that’s not what you want to hear.”

“I might not want to hear it, but it might be what I need.” Savannah gave her another watery smile. She leaned her head against Fallon’s shoulder and breathed in her scent. “Everything is moving on, and I feel like I’m stuck. I just can’t… get over it.”

“Is it that other people expect you to get over it or you expect yourself to?”

“I don’t know.” Savannah closed her eyes. “People have told me that it’s time to be over it, to move on, but I don’t feel like I have to.” She scrunched her nose. “Brin said that Forrest is dating someone.”

She could feel Fallon tense, the tightness in her shoulders that must have gone all the way up through her neck and down her back.

“Brin doesn’t like her, though I don’t suppose she’d like anyone who is a new significant other at this point. I just wish he’d told me so I could help walk Brin through it all, you know? It can’t be easy on her.”

“No, I don’t imagine it is.” Fallon’s voice had dropped. “That’s something I don’t have much experience with.”

“Me either.” Savannah moved to sit up slightly. “I wish people talked about it more.”

“Talked about what?”

“When people die young. I feel like all the grief share groups are filled with old people and widows. There’s no room for me, a twin sister who feels like she’s lost her other half.”

“There probably isn’t a lot of space for you, just like there isn’t a lot of space for a nine-year-old who’s orphaned.”

Savannah froze. She’d never thought about Fallon as an orphan. She’d never thought of Fallon in any way other than who she was today. But she had nearly thirty years on Savannah’s grief. She had decades of life lived and grief learned. Savannah was so new at this.

“How do we make space?” Savannah asked, sure there was no answer that Fallon could give.

Fallon sighed heavily. She brought Savannah’s hand up to her lips and pressed a kiss to the skin. When she relaxed again, Fallon looked directly into Savannah’s eyes. There was sadness there that Savannah had never seen before. Was it because Fallon had hidden it or because Savannah hadn’t even bothered to look for it before now?

“We make it, just like we are right now.”

“Fallon…”

Shaking her head, Fallon pushed to stand up. “I was about to go to the store to get something for dinner. What do you say we order something in, open a bottle of wine, and watch something cheesy and easy?”

“If you’re talking about cheesy as in real cheese, I think you’re going to be hard pressed to find something good.” Savannah watched as Fallon walked back toward the door and snagged her phone from her purse. “I don’t really want to watch Ratatouille again.”

“I was thinking more Pulp Fiction. ” Fallon laughed as she came back to the couch and plopped down next to Savannah.

“I like that idea much better.” Savannah immediately found herself curling up against Fallon’s side. There was something safe here that she didn’t want to give up. It might not have been words or actions, but it was a feeling. One she’d longed for, and one she was glad to have found.

“Then let’s do it.”