31. Promises

1864 NOVEMBER

31

Idid not sleep well anymore, too scared to close my eyes to see Ethan hovering over me or John left in a shallow grave. I kept myself busy with wedding preparations, but my heart was not in it. Brett came every day to visit me and make plans.

The first snowfall arrived the first of the month, forcing us all indoors. I could tell Brett was worried about me, and he offered to help me with wedding plans, but I told him that he had more important matters. Brett and Mr. Chisholm were confirming the adoption papers and going through the process without me. Along with this business, Brett was on the search for a home for us.

He found a small, two-story home on the outskirts of town. The property was off the road that led to the lake. It was a quaint, cottage-like house with four bedrooms upstairs and a parlor downstairs connecting to a dining area and a cement kitchen. Beside the house was a compact vegetable garden that would do well in the spring. A small apple orchard with two dozen trees descended down the hill from the back property, and an old, weathered barn stood at the southeast corner. Mr. Chisholm gave Brett two horses and a cow to put in the barn. Brett said there was enough room to eventually add on to the house as our family grew, his face lighting up with the potential.

And he promised by then he would have more to provide. He was making a lot of promises to me. Brett made plans to join his father's law firm when he returned so he could have a stable income to provide for Katie and me. He was doing everything to prove I made the right choice in accepting him.

Seven days. Then he would be gone. The day was a blur to me. I spoke to no one. I was more alone than ever before. Sitting alone in a dream amidst a blur of people buzzing, invisible to them all, even though they were celebrating my wedding.

The day before, a package arrived from York, Pennsylvania. Pa sent the wedding dress Mother had been working on for my wedding with Ethan. She never finished it, but inside was a note pinned to the front of the dress.

My darling daughter,

It pains me not to be there for you, but circumstances keep me here. The least I can do is send you this. I know your mother never managed to finish this dress before she left us, but Mrs. LeDoux agreed you must have the dress she intended for you. Mrs. LeDoux completed the stitching, and I send it to you now with all my love.

Pa

I cried when Mrs. Mathis helped me dress in the white gown. The delicate, handstitched lace Mother added to the declotage and sleeves made me feel as if she were embracing me. Oh, how I wished Mother and Pa could be here to assure me that I was doing the right thing. Mrs. Mathis wrapped me in her arms, and she let me cry on her shoulder until I had no more tears to shed.

My feet carried me down the aisle of the church, alone, to exchange halfhearted vows with Brett Chisholm. He reassuringly pumped my hand, knowing my difficulty. I couldn't help but wish my life had turned out differently, but I convinced myself that this was best for Katie and me. We had no hope of John returning. He was gone, and my heart had gone with him. I did not know if I had anything left for Brett. Numb, I barely noticed when the reverend pronounced us husband and wife, and Brett pressed his lips to mine.

After the ceremony, Brett and I were alone in the carriage, on our way to the Chisholm home for the reception. I was quiet and gazed out the window at the cold wind blowing through the bare tree branches. The carriage wheels whipped up slush and mud. He didn't ask me questions or even mention John, but he knew I was still grieving. Brett embraced me and whispered words of love and compassion, promising he would be back soon, and then we could really start a life together. He repeated his promise to provide and protect us.

"Let's live in the moment, angel. We don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I'll do everything in my power to make you happy."

He was right. He would be leaving. We did not know when or if he would return, but he did this for us. I was grateful he signed the adoption papers, and I was fulfilling my promise to Robert.

Katie's head lay in my lap, and Brett sat across from me in the dimly lit carriage as we left the reception. My belly was warm, and my head was fuzzy from the champagne. I wish I had eaten more, but I had little appetite. Brett couldn't stop looking at me and beaming. I tried to smile for him, but my lips only trembled.

When we arrived at our new home, Brett hoisted Katie from my lap. My heart lurched seeing Katie in his arms. She now had a father and I a husband. Brett laid her down in her little bed and waited, while I took off her shoes and coat before tucking her into the covers.

I turned to Brett, and he brought his hand to my cheek.

"I promise we'll have a good life," he whispered, sadness in his eyes.

"Please, Brett, no more promises tonight," I pleaded.

"No more promises." He took my hand and led us to our own bedchamber.

The room was furnished with cherry wood furniture. The bed was magnificent, with bedposts grazing the ceiling and gold, brocade curtains hanging from the canopy. Mrs. Chisholm had outdone herself when she insisted on furnishing the little house. Brett dimmed the lamps around the room, then excused himself, allowing me privacy to change into my nightgown.

While I changed, I studied the stitching of the dress Mother made for me. I was a different person when she started it. So much had changed. I wondered if Mother felt as nervous on her wedding night as I did. Her circumstances were different, of course. She was in love with her husband. I cared for Brett and I trusted him, but still, my hands shook with nervousness. I took a couple swigs from a hidden whiskey bottle, and then hid it beneath my undergarments in the chest of drawers.

Brett knocked moments later, and I sat on the side of the bed, ready in my nightgown.

"Come in," I beckoned, hoping he would not hear the anxious catch in my voice.

Brett tiptoed in and closed the door. I kept my back to him and listened as he took off his clothes and moved into the bed. His hand went out to me, drawing me toward him, and I crawled under the covers beside him. Brett's arms went around me and pulled me against him, his bare skin warm. I trembled, and he brought me closer to him as if I was cold.

"Nervous?" he whispered in my ear.

"A little," I replied.

"You're safe with me." True to his word, he did not promise.

I said nothing, my throat still burning from the whiskey.

"You know I'll never hurt you, don't you?"

I didn't want to tell him that I was scared, that I still thought of Ethan's hands on me. Yet, I was also curious as to what it would be like to be with Brett, too embarrassed to share that with him. I nodded.

He tipped my chin up. "Look at me, angel."

Gazing into his passionate, blue eyes made tears slip from mine. He was so gentle with me. I did not deserve his love.

"Oh, my darling, please don't cry." He brushed his fingers across my cheeks. "It will be all right. You trust me?"

"Yes, I trust you." I did trust him.

"I'll love you enough for the both of us." He held my face in his hands, and his thumbs stroked the hair at my temples. "The last thing I want is to see you in pain. If it hurts, we'll stop right away, all right?"

I nodded. His face leaned toward mine, and I closed my eyes as his lips brushed mine. I wondered if he could taste the liquor on my mouth. His lips were tender and consoling. Brett's arms embraced me, and his hands rubbed my back to comfort me.

"I love you, angel. I'll never hurt you," he repeated over and over, like a balm to my soul, as his kisses became more and more persistent.

I returned his kisses, remembering how comforting his kisses made me feel in the cabin months ago. Unbidden desire started to burn in my belly. I surrendered to his kisses.

His skin burned against me, and his hands caressed my sides. He rucked up my nightgown, and I cringed at his hands running up my thighs. I pulled away from his lips and searched his eyes. They only returned my look with concern.

"Are you all right?" he asked.

"Yes," I lied.

I closed my eyes and tried to push the thought of Ethan away from my mind, but it kept invading my head. My eyes sprang open. Brett's mouth meandered down my neck to my collarbone. He unbuttoned my nightgown while his lips traveled down my chest, between my breasts. A hand cupped my breast, and I gasped when his other hand touched between my legs, my hips lifting in response. He looked up at me as if to ask permission, and I nodded in consent.

He settled himself between my legs, parting them with his hips, and my breath caught when he pressed against me. I winced as he prodded. He moved slowly, inching into me.

"Breathe," he reminded me as he pushed into me, allowing my body to adjust to him. I kept my eyes open and bit my lip the whole time, refraining from the sounds that threatened to break free. Water gathered in my eyes with the burning pain and blood, but the pleading love and passion in Brett's eyes kept it from spilling over. He moved above me, thrusting his hips. Soon, he sighed in relief, and his eyes closed as he fell back on his pillow.

I pulled my nightgown back down to cover myself.

"Did I hurt you?" he asked, needing assurance.

"No, Brett," I managed to say, the pain gone as soon as he left me.

We lay there side by side, listening to each other's breathing. I did not know how I could sleep, my heart still pounding in my ears. Brett's breathing deepened into a gentle snore, and I knew he was asleep. I curled up in a ball and wrapped my arms around my middle, the liquor rolling around in my belly.

I rushed from the bed and went to the washbowl to vomit. Sweat beaded on my neck. With another wave of nausea, I vomited again. Cold and shivering, I made my way back to bed and pulled the blankets up to my chin. Brett turned in his sleep and his arms went around me, bringing me against him. When I did finally find sleep, it was the first time in a long time I did not dream.