30. His Declaration

1864 OCTOBER 20, THURSDAY

30

Sleep eventually came. A brief, restless sleep, filled with dreams. When morning arrived, all I could do was stare at the torn dress I pushed into the corner. Late in the night, when whiskey had made me feel brave enough, I shed the garment to examine my body in the candlelight. My lip was swollen, my cheek bruised. Marks along my neck and legs were left behind by his hands, and I hated myself for it. I brought this upon us.

My stomach soured when Kay brought me breakfast and I pushed it away, refusing to be bothered. My head pulsed with an agonizing headache.

I did not know how long I remained in bed until Nora pushed herself into the room. Her voice soft and tearful, she told me Brett Chisholm arrived to convey his condolences to the family and wished to see me. She understood if I denied him, her eyes full of sympathy when she looked upon my face.

I shrugged on a dressing robe. "No, bring him up."

Both my body and heart ached. Nora went to fetch him. Needing to numb the pain, I gulped a sip of the whiskey flask from under my pillow, then did my best to calm the hair around my shoulders.

"May I come in?" Brett sounded at the door.

"Come in, Brett," I rasped.

"I won't stay long, but I wanted to bring you this." He handed me my revolver. "Seth said it belongs to you. JPH?" he asked, gesturing to the engraving on the handle.

"Something I took from him a long time ago. I'm glad it found its mark."

Brett nodded in acceptance. He understood why I needed to do it. For myself. For John.

"I couldn't sleep last night. My mind was uneasy, thinking of you," Brett admitted.

His Adam's apple bobbed with his swallow, his cheek flinching. We hadn't spoken in weeks. I did not know if he would forgive me for hurting him, for hurting this town, for hurting this family.

"I don't know what I would've done if something worse had happened to you. I would've never forgiven myself."

"Forgiven yourself?" I asked. "I should be the one asking forgiveness."

"No. I had no right to put my own expectations on you. You have been nothing but kind and compassionate toward me. A true friend. But knowing something could've happened to you yesterday. I … I …" He stammered, reaching for my hands. I could feel his fear of losing me in his grip. "I don't know what I would've done without you. There's something I realized last night, though. I feel I owe it to you to tell you …"

I reluctantly nodded, unsure if I wanted to hear what he had to say.

"I realized I'm in love with you. I have been for months now." His eyes drooped.

In my heart, I always knew this was how he felt. My care for our friendship had pushed the thought away. I was too absorbed by my feelings for John.

"Oh, Brett, I?—"

"Please," he interrupted. "I know. You love John. I don't expect you to reciprocate."

Tears sprang to my eyes. I was so tired. So tired of crying. And I would only hurt him.

"Everyone I have ever loved is in the earth. You don't want me loving you."

"No, angel. I would die a happy man knowing I have your love … if you could ever learn to love me." Brett coughed. "I will be returning to my regiment soon. I would like to protect you the only way I know how. I know this is not the most appropriate time, but war steals our time, doesn't it?" His eyes glistened. "My name can give you protection. My pension can take care of you. If anything were to happen to me, you and Katie would be provided for. I will make sure of it."

"Brett, I couldn't ask that of you?—"

"You didn't ask, Ella. I'm offering it to you because I love you. You would honor me to become my wife. I can provide for you and Katie. I know you're grieving and hurt, but I only have a couple of weeks before I must make roll call. Will you marry me, Ella?"

My muddled brain struggled to keep up, to push the well of sadness away. John was gone. I did not have a home to return to. I only brought pain and burden to the Mathis family. There was my promise to Robert to care for his sister. And I failed in every way. Katie deserved better. She deserved a family. I needed redemption. I needed to redeem myself after the countless failures I made, and Brett was offering it all … and more. I could learn to love him. He was the kind of man most could easily love—charming, strong, and generous. Yes, I could do it. If not for him or myself, for Katie.

"I'll marry you before you leave then," I found myself saying.

"You'll marry me?" he asked, his brows springing to his forehead. I nodded. "I'll do anything you ask." His eyes sparkled with joy, but he remained serious.

"Protect us. I need help adopting Katie to ensure her protection. I made a promise I have struggled to keep, and if something were to happen to either one of us, I need her cared for. Adoption would ensure she does not become a ward of the state but would have the protection of your family."

"Adopt Katie as our own?" He attempted to cover up his surprise and confusion.

"I already have the papers."

"Well, you certainly plan ahead." He brushed his fingers through his hair.

"I need to fulfill my promise to Robert in some way. This is the best way I know how, but an unwed woman cannot adopt. You said you are offering protection."

I could tell I was hurting him. He rubbed his temple. I cringed, feeling guilty asking so much of him, already taking advantage of his declaration of love.

Brett set his jaw. His eyes stern with determination. "You have my protection, and I'll help you with the adoption papers."

I breathed a sigh of relief, but a pit in my stomach growled my heart's betrayal.