27. Homesick

1864 SEPTEMBER

27

Brett did not speak to me for some time. I did not seek him out or visit the Chisholms. If there were whispers of my overnight stay with Brett during the storm, no one told me. Clara, and even Margaret, avoided me, claiming one obligation or another.

It made me homesick. I missed Pa and Elizabeth. I missed my mother. Pa wrote when Elizabeth left with Grandmother Montgomery to her Paris residence. He did not say it in so many words, but I knew his coffers were empty. He vowed he would send me money for Katie and me as soon as he could. Counting my meager purse of money, I was washed over with remorse in burdening the Mathis family. How much longer before I wore out my welcome?

The wedding for Clara and Downs was a small affair, with only Clara's family and friends. Downs did not have anyone attend for him, and it made me pity him. It was the first moment I had seen Brett. He was Clara's opposite in every way that day. She was bright and cheery, while he was dark and brooding. I did not know if it was due to his disapproval of their union or due to my presence. Sergeant Downs would return soon to his regiment, and Clara held on to him for dear life during the ceremony and reception.

We were also waiting in tense apprehension while Rebel General Early—who had retreated into Virginia in July—was pressuring Sheridan's Army, whose back was protecting Washington. A seesaw effect occurred between the two armies as they retreated and advanced. Victory led our troops to Petersburg, the key to the Rebel capitol, Richmond.

Optimism resurged, and once again, people were saying the war would be over in a month. While everyone waited for the siege to give way and unlock the gates to Richmond, we kept an eye on the Shenandoah Valley where Early and Sheridan marched and countermarched. We waited for news as General Sherman marched into Georgia and campaigned toward Atlanta before heading toward the sea.

Overcome with guilt and hopelessness, I found myself drinking whiskey before supper to douse my guilt. Seth knew, for he was the one to offer it to me, but no one else was the wiser. At night, I wouldn't be able to sleep, drowning my thoughts and dreams of John and Brett with another glass of whiskey. I would wake up early, downing a cup of black coffee and toast, my head pounding while I followed Seth out to our makeshift shooting range. Nora seemed to know I was unhappy because she would give me sad, concerned looks that left me feeling reproachful. I was failing Robert each time Katie begged for me.