Chapter 32

Chapter Thirty-Two

“Why haven’t you gotten yourself ready to go to the flotilla?” Lindsay asked, sitting beside Jen in her parents’ living room. The room appeared as though a tornado of toys had whirled through it—despite Jen’s efforts to clean it up the past few days.

Jen glanced over at the light snowfall, still coming down. “You don’t think they’ll cancel?” The snow was supposed to be ending sometime soon, but the flotilla was scheduled to launch just past sundown when the boats in the lake could all light up with the Christmas lights their owners had used to decorate them. In the past day, the television producer had called Jen about ten times.

The producer hadn’t been happy to hear that Jason wouldn’t be there with Jen. The weather must be making her miserable. She’d promised to send word if there was a cancellation by noon and hadn’t. The weather had worsened since then, though.

“Not a chance you can get out of it that easily.” Lindsay scooted closer to the fire. “You would have heard by now if they were, but my dad said they were setting up propane heaters and making a few more firepits. My bet is that the food trucks will run out of hot chocolate and cider.”

Colby came racing by then, one of Warren’s kids following quickly behind. The two boys weaved their way through the messy living room, then started upstairs, yelling as they went. “Boys are so loud.” Jen shook her head with a grimace.

“Girls are just as loud, believe me.” Lindsay smirked. “Especially when they get to screaming. Then it’s just a bunch of shrill shrieks that make you feel like you’ve lost part of your hearing.”

Jen considered Lindsay’s perspective, then scrunched her face up. “Fair point.” She shifted under the throw blanket, stretching her legs. She didn’t want to go anywhere, but she’d entered that damn baking competition, and if she’d won, it would change everything for her. But the idea of being there without Jason made her sad and nervous all at once. Especially because she didn’t know what to say when they asked why he wasn’t there. It was one thing to tell the producer that they’d split up. Quite another to tell the entire world. “Do you think I’ll be disqualified because Jason isn’t there?”

“I’m not sure. I mean, you did the contest as a couple. Tonight is just about seeing if you won, right?”

Except they hadn’t really been a couple. Though it had almost felt like it at one point. She groaned. Lindsay was right. She should probably start getting ready. The boat launch was at five. It was already two, and the producer wanted her there at three thirty.

The doorbell rang, and Jen got up for it. A man, close to her own height, with a trim beard and longish brown hair, stood there and turned toward her with a wide smile. “Hi, I’m TJ.” He held a box in his hands.

Jen frowned at him. “Can I help you?” He didn’t look like a deliveryman. His clothes were . . . unique. Bright orange pants were matched with a teal blue plaid top poking out from under his coat. Instead of snow boots, he appeared to be wearing camo galoshes. Snow accumulated on his hat.

He held the box out toward her. “This is for you. Merry Christmas.”

Jen took the box and then closed the door as he scooted away, leaving tracks in the snow on the front walk.

He stopped at the end of the walk, then turned back, cupping his hands around his mouth as though to speak.

Jen opened the door. “What is it?”

“He’s in town.” TJ shrugged, then stuffed his gloved hands into his pockets. “Just thought you might want to know.” He gave a quick wave, then turned away.

Who?

Staring at TJ’s fading form, she closed the door again, the snowy weather a stark contrast to the warmth of the living room.

She returned to her seat by the fireplace. The box wasn’t a delivery package, or at least didn’t appear to be. It wasn’t taped shut, but the four flaps of the lid had been folded shut.

Lindsay gave her an odd look. “What is it?”

Jen scanned the outside of the box for some clues. Not even one mark on the cardboard. “I have no idea.” She moved to open it.

Lindsay’s hand shot out. “What if it’s like a trick package? It could be poison or a bomb or something.”

Shooting her a laughing gaze, Jen shook her head. “You watch way too much true crime TV.”

“There’s no such thing,” Lindsay defended.

Jen opened the package under her protest. Several manila envelopes and a few thumb drives were inside. And on the top, a single sheet of paper, folded in two.

She opened the paper, her eyes skipping to the name at the bottom.

Jason.

Her heart gave a painful thump. She swallowed, turning away from Lindsay. Jason’s handwriting was printed neatly with thick, bold, and masculine handwriting.

Dear Jen,

There will never be a way for me to make up to you for what I did by not being honest about everything from the start. This is the truth:

I love you. I know it’s crazy to think that you can fall in love with someone after a few weeks, and if you had asked me when we met if I thought it was possible, I would have laughed. But then I met you and you changed my whole world.

And I love Colby. He and Mildred are literally the only family I have left. When I look at him, I think of the Kevin I knew as a kid—and how much my brother missed with the decisions he made.

I can’t give back to you what we lost with my dishonesty. I’m not asking for another chance because I know I don’t deserve one. Turns out, I’m going to be a father, and that’s made me realize, more than ever, that my actions don’t exist in a vacuum. I earned the consequences here.

My ex mentioned to you she had footage of our time together. I didn’t want you to ever worry about that coming to light, so I asked her to please allow me to purchase it from the PI her family hired. To make peace and move toward a better future as divorced co-parents, she’s agreed. He’s signed an agreement and turned everything over to me. This is all of it. There are no other copies. That’s all in the envelope that’s marked with a one.

And this may be stupid, but I included everything else he had on me in the second envelope. All my secrets are there, everything I’m most ashamed of. Not that I really want you to see all my bad decisions. But you wanted to know who I am. So it’s there, in your hands, if you ever wanted to know more about the man you spent two weeks with.

Those weeks were the best two weeks of my life. I don’t know if this is all stupid, or if this will atone at all, but I’m sorry, Jen. I wish I could take it all back, but then I’d also have missed that time with you. And I will never regret the moments I spent with you and Colby.

If you ever need anything and feel like you can call on me, I’ll be here.

Jason

At some point in reading, Jen had covered her mouth, her eyes misting at his words.

She handed the letter mutely to Lindsay, then pulled the first manila envelope out, holding it gingerly.

She didn’t want to know what was in here. Didn’t want to look.

At either envelope.

Before Lindsay could even finish reading the letter, Jen had pulled back the grate to the fire. She tossed both envelopes and the thumb drives into the fire.

Lindsay lifted her gaze sharply. “Are you sure you want to do that?”

Jen nodded. Both envelopes sat on top of the logs, smoke curling under them. Then a bright burst of flame caught them, filling the fireplace with a yellow glow. The flames licked higher, the envelopes consumed by fire and smoke.

Lindsay folded the letter and handed it to Jen. She stood beside her, watching the envelopes burn. “You’re a better person than I am. I would have been too curious not to look.”

Jen shook her head. “I don’t want to know.” She looked down at Jason’s letter, her heart feeling painful.

“Do you think he really loves you?” Lindsay whispered.

Jen wiped a tear from her cheek. She sucked her lips in, between her teeth, until they hurt. Does he?

Who knew? She shook the thought away, then looked back at Lindsay with a sniffle. “I’m getting ready to go to the boat. You want to come with us? It might be a good idea for us all to go in my dad’s truck.”

“Sounds good.” Lindsay scanned her face with a worried expression.

Jen folded the letter again, then put it in the back pocket of her jeans. “I’m going to hop in the shower and do my hair and makeup. You know, for my ten seconds of fame. Can you keep an eye on Colby if he needs anything?”

She hurried up the stairs, leaving Lindsay in the living room. She headed straight to the bathroom and locked the door. Turning on the shower, she closed the lid to the toilet, then sat on it.

She stared at her hands.

Jason claimed to love her.

God, what she would have given to hear those words from him if things hadn’t gone the way they had. The thought of him still made her want to scream and cry and stomp her feet and talk to him all at the same time.

Because the truth was, it wasn’t hard for her to believe someone could fall in love quickly. A part of her loved him. There was no use denying that.

. . . maybe not just a part.

She was less angry now, though her hurt hadn’t diminished.

But she loved him. Even though he was selfish and had lied to her, she’d seen a side of him that told her there was so much more to him than that. Something had hurt him—maybe his ex-wife, but probably something before that, given that Kevin had struggled, too—wounded Jason so deeply that he guarded himself. Some of his behavior was an act.

Thanks to Kevin, she also knew that she couldn’t heal that pain herself. Whatever had caused Jason to feel like he was “no good,” he was going to have to make his peace with.

Yet love sometimes helped you want to be the best version of yourself, doesn’t it?

. . . but he was going to be a father.

Jen’s heart gave a little tug and she closed her eyes, feeling guilty as hell and awful.

He’d be bound to his ex-wife forever. And Chicago. What would that mean for him? Would he stay in Chicago permanently? The thought of never seeing him again made her ill, despite everything. She didn’t want him to be anyone else’s.

But how selfish and terrible was she for even thinking that?

She wanted someone who would fully and totally embrace being a dad to Colby, the way her father had stepped up for Warren and Dan. But Jason’s son deserved to have his father’s full attention, too.

The fact that she didn’t want to share him told her she wasn’t done with him. She didn’t want him to move on without her.

She didn’t want to move on without him.

He’d tried to be honest with her now, even if it was too little too late. Or maybe too much, too late. She didn’t need to know all his secrets, after all. She’d be mortified if he ever found out all her secrets.

And TJ said Jason is in town.

Before she could overthink it, she whipped her cell phone out. Steam fogged the bathroom, and she wiped the screen, unlocking it. She dialed Jason’s phone number.

The call went straight to voice mail. As his pre-recorded voice came onto the line, she closed her eyes, tempted to hang up.

The line beeped. “Jason, it’s Jen. I got the package you sent and...” She hesitated. “I want you to know I burned the whole thing. I appreciate you trying to be honest, and I appreciate you getting rid of anything that might embarrass me in the future. I’m not sure I needed all the stuff about you—and I didn’t look at it.”

She kicked off her slippers, sweating in the foggy, damp bathroom.

“If you—” She rose, the steam billowing so thick she could hardly breathe. “If you really meant it, I’m going to be on a boat tonight at the lake for the announcement of the baking competition. It’d be nice if you could be there with me. Call is at three thirty, and the launch is at five. Please come.”

The festival area for the townspeople watching the flotilla from the shores of the lake was thronged with people, despite the snowy weather and it being an hour and a half before the launch. Jen’s hand tightened around Colby’s as she followed her parents, who carried sports chairs over their shoulders. Lindsay had a stack of blankets under her arm. “Do you think Colby will be warm enough?” Jen asked her mom.

Her mother gave her a smile. “I think he won't even notice it's cold outside between the hot chocolate, the firepits, the lighted boats, and the fireworks.”

Her parents found the firepit where Warren and Alice and Dan had set up their chairs and held space for them. Peter had arranged for two big screens to be positioned near the front, where the crowd could watch his Christmas special and see the announcement of the baking competition.

Jen cringed. She hadn’t given too much thought to being on screen during the competition—hiding behind a workstation and her apron had made it easier to forget. Plus, Jason had been there with her.

She scanned the nearby crowd, looking for him. She hadn’t gotten a phone call or text back from him. It felt as though more than Brandywood had come out for this, and she wouldn’t be surprised if they had attracted people from the tristate. The line of cars to get into the lake area had been ridiculous. Thank God Lindsay had encouraged her to leave early. She never would have made it.

No sign of Jason.

Her heart felt heavy. She shouldn’t have asked him to be there. Taking that chance just gave him one more opportunity to disappoint her.

Not too far from them, Bunny and Millie were gathered near a group of their church friends. Millie was in the middle of animated conversation. Wouldn’t Jason have come with her?

Jen took a breath. Maybe she knew if Jason was coming.

She left Colby playing with his cousins in the snow and crossed the space toward Millie. Millie broke into a wide smile when she saw Jen, then left her friend. “Jen, sweetheart!” She gave her a tight hug. “We all have bets on you, you know. That sugar cookie house was a good one, but you were brilliant.”

Right. She was here to see about the baking competition.

Funny how that seemed so unimportant.

“Millie, I hear Jason’s in town.”

Millie nodded, wrinkling her nose. “Sure is. He came to surprise me on Christmas. I’ve been busy fattening him up.”

Was he staying with Millie, then? She couldn’t imagine Jason there. “Do you know if he’s coming tonight?”

Millie’s pleasant expression sobered. Then she gripped Jen’s forearm tightly. “Here, sweetheart? No, Jason won’t come near here tonight. Not a chance.”

“Oh, I just thought...” Jen stared at the plain gold wedding band Millie still wore on her ring finger. “I asked him to.”

Millie stroked her cheek. “Did Jason ever tell you about the accident?”

Accident?

“His daddy drowned in a lake.”