Chapter 33

CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE

LAKE

74 bobas left until we both die …

The drive home from Oregon to Arkansas is a long one, and it takes us the better part of three days. When we pull into the driveway at home, I start crying. I put my face in my hands and weep. Joules is there to hold me, but it takes me a while to stop.

I have two and a half months left to not die.

Ten weeks.

I might never see this house again, might never come home to my family, might never hop out of the SUV and race into the backyard to see Joe. If he were still alive, he’d be the first person I’d want to see after coming home.

Well, that’s not true.

If he were alive, there’s no way that he wouldn’t have come with us. If he’d been dating Marla, she’d have come, too. For as much as I hated her for reasons she couldn’t help, I liked her for all of the ones that she could. She’d lost the love of her life, her childhood friend, in a horrible, bloody accident. And the trauma of that was scarred all over her face and limbs. She was guarded and sad, and she needed a long, slow, gentle touch to heal her.

Joe never had a chance though he tried. He wooed her like he had a million years to do it and was happy to wait.

“Hey.” I flop into the grass beside the redbud tree, smiling as I see that we made it just in time. While a few of the bright pink blossoms have turned into heart-shaped leaves, the rest are lush and alive, a late spring welcome. “I didn’t bring sushi, but I hope you’re still glad that I’m here.”

“You came home?” my mom asks, and I turn over my shoulder to see her standing by the back porch. She has her purse over her shoulder, like she was about to leave the house and is surprised to see us. I imagine that she is, seeing as we didn’t tell her we were coming home.

When a Frost comes home early in the pursuit of a Match, it never turns out well.

“I missed you guys,” I admit, and she comes over to sit next to me in the grass. We watch Joe’s petals blowing in the wind as we wait for Joules to join us. Maria and Lynn come outside, too. Nobody says anything for a little while.

“If Tam didn’t have a bodyguard, I would’ve beat him up,” Joules whispers, and I put my forehead on my knees and wrap my arms around my legs.

Tam was rude, but I still did what I did of my own volition. I can’t exactly blame him for that.

I can’t exactly say that I didn’t like it.

I’m having trouble sleeping again, but this time, it’s not nightmares. There are dreams, of Tam and the way his skin feels under my hands. The taste of him … I sit up suddenly and sigh, tousling a few of Joe’s windswept petals.

“Should I be concerned?” my mom asks, a hint of a threat in her words. I smile as I rest my cheek against my knees.

“No, nothing like that.”

“Did you sleep with Tam Eyre?” Lynn whispers, but then Joules gives her shoulder a shove and she glares at him.

Maria moves up close to me and offers a hug from behind.

“Well, for whatever reason that you’re back, I’m glad that you’re back.” My cousin gives me a kiss on the cheek, and my smile gets a little wider. “I’ve got the kitchen all set up to make chocolate chip cookies. You want to bake with me for a little?”

She’ll be using Joe’s recipe. His recipe and all of his stuff. We have his pans and his oven mitts and journals full of his careful writing describing his versions of all the best recipes. Each little splatter of soup he left on a page is a reminder, a treasure.

“I would love to bake,” I tell her and then she and Lynn are both pulling me up to take me inside. Joules and Mom don’t move, so I know they’re going to talk about me behind my back. My brother will tell her everything.

The thought of it makes me dizzy on my feet.

I wish my private moment with Tam could’ve stayed private.

Thanks, Curse. Thanks a lot.

“This is the last recipe he ever added to that book, isn’t it?” I ask, and Maria knows instantly what I’m talking about.

“It’s the last recipe,” she says, and I wonder if this is the last time I’ll be baking it.

69 bobas left until we both die …

I tap my phone against my lips as I sit at the counter. I’ve been waiting and watching since I came home. What has Tam been doing? Going on dates with Kaycee Quinn. Releasing a new song. Releasing a music video to go with it. Taking a break from the tour to fly to Georgia to start filming his stupid romance drama.

What would Tam Eyre know about romance anyway?

Should I just text him? I wonder, but I can’t. I’m not ready. I don’t know what it is that I feel, and that’s a problem. I need to sort my feelings out from the curse. I want to know what I’d do if I were the version of myself that had more than a few months left to live.

I never would’ve performed oral sex on him, that’s for sure. But what else? I’d wait until my feelings were completely settled, and then I’d send an olive branch via text. Give him a chance to respond to that.

“I still can’t believe you had Tam Eyre’s dick in your mouth,” Lynn says with a wistful sigh, and I give her the meanest look in my repertoire. “Sorry, it’s just … holy shit.”

“Pictures or it didn’t happen,” Chloe murmurs, playing with her phone. Luna hits her with a pillow while Ella sits next to me on my bed, looking up through the skylight above us to the stars. There are spring peepers—that is, frogs—going nuts outside. I can hear them like they’re right next to me.

“When Lake said she didn’t want to talk about it, I’m sure she meant that she didn’t want to talk about it at all. Not every five minutes. Guys, do better.” That’s Ella, arms crossed, glaring at my cousin Lynn, making a face at Chloe.

Maria sits quietly on a beanbag, absorbing our conversation as gossip so she can tell my mom.

“Do you want to meet up with some of our campus friends on Friday? We’ll go to the sports bar on Dickson Street.” Luna has asked me this four times, and I’ve said no four times.

I look up at her and smile.

You know what? Going out would be better than sitting here, fantasizing about Tam.

I can’t stop thinking about him. I miss him. I wish I were back in that living room, playing a video game that he can’t win, not even when his own music is featured. I want to see him rescue another spider. Or cook me pancakes again.

I wish I could’ve made that alfredo for him.

“Sure, why the hell not?” I shrug, and Luna squeals like she’s twelve instead of twenty-two.

“Dinner’s ready,” Joules says, smacking some gum as he strolls into my room with a black eye, split lip, and swollen cheek. When Daniel hit him, he hit him hard.

“Perfect,” I breathe, scrambling out of bed. I will do most anything for barbeque. “What did I do to get so spoiled?” I ask Joules, turning to walk backward down the hall. “We’re having a barbeque next week for my birthday, right? So what’s the celebration tonight?”

“You,” Joules says simply, reaching out to cup the side of my face. I stop walking, and we just stand there. If Tam doesn’t come back, I’m going to die.

I hate this curse.

This is my life.

I don’t feel like chasing Tam anymore. It’s making me tired. I tug my sweatshirt sleeve over the curse mark on my wrist, shame flooding me.

“You are the celebration.” Joules drops his hand and skirts past me. He’s been going out every day since we came back, disappearing for hours, and then returning with boba. He thinks if he gives me watermelon popping boba or cocoa cinnamon milk tea or something with cheese br?lée, that I’ll forgive him for lying to me.

Almost works, too.

We all head outside to where the rest of the family is waiting. All my aunts are here, my uncles, my cousins, my grandma. Mom, Dad. My friends. Joe. He’s right there at the edge of the yard, still in bloom and looking beautiful.

“Hot dog?” my dad asks, using a pair of tongs to retrieve a juicy looking bratwurst from the grill. “Or hamburger? Or both? You want two of each?”

“A hot dog would—” Then my face pales, and my dad exhales like he’s considering hiring a contract killer to go after Tam. We haven’t talked about what happened, but I know that my dad knows. I’m twenty-two, so it’s hardly a scandal, but … Joules put it best when he said, you asked my virgin sister to get on her knees and service you?!

That’s how my family feels about it.

As of now, if I took my family to visit Tam on tour, it wouldn’t go well for him.

I choose a hamburger instead, letting Joules take over so he can make it just the way I like. Neither Joe nor I ever prepared our own plates at barbeques. It was always Joules who did that for us.

I sit on the ground next to Joe, and my brother brings my plate.

The entire family settles into a loose circle around Joe. We have picnic tables set up so that everyone can be as close as possible to him while they eat.

“I’m glad he’s here with us,” Aunt Lisa says, eyes glazing over as she takes a seat on one of the benches with a tofu burger in hand. “If this burial option had been available for Grandma or Clara, then …”

“They’re here with us, too,” my mom assures her, reaching out to grab her hand. My Uncle Rob is just like Joules. He can’t stand seeing his sisters in pain, so he looks away toward the woods. Uncle Peter pats Gram’s hand when she gets sniffly, while Aunt Daphne and Aunt Mandy argue quietly over the choice of hamburger buns.

I take a bite of my food as Chloe, Luna, and Ella settle around me. Maria sits next to my mom, and Lynn walks around with her plate in hand, kicking at weeds. As always, Joules is by my side.

There are so many good, wonderful people around me, so many people who love me.

No matter what happens, I know that I’m the lucky one in this scenario.

Tam … is alone.

He knows he’s alone.

He hates being alone.

I feel sorry for him, closing my eyes to remember the gentle sweep of freckles above his navel, the feel of my lips brushing over his skin. It felt right for me to be with him like that.

What are you up to now, Tam Eyre?

I open my eyes to see that Maria is setting up a game of croquet. Joe’s favorite. Guess I’m not the only person who’s still getting used to him being missing from these family gatherings. It’s completely different without him, the melancholy echo of his presence on the wind like a ghost.

“I get green,” I call out before my asshole cousins pick out my favorite color and leave me with yellow. I stand up, chuck my plate, and settle in for an evening game.

That night, I get online and find out where Tam’s next few concerts are going to be.

San Francisco. Los Angeles.

I haven’t technically missed any work because the tour’s on a brief hiatus. I respond to an email from Tam’s merch manager asking if I’ll be able to take those shifts. I tell her that I want them, and then I pop my earbuds in, play “Sweet Honey” and fall asleep to the croon of my lover’s voice.

My lover.

For a few brief moments there, that’s what he was.

I hug a pillow against my chest and breathe through the tumult of emotions.

Tam Eyre. He told me that if I wanted him, I could have him.

And I do.

Despite his grumpy attitude, I do want him.

His smell, his touch, the illicit taste of him.

That’s what I fall asleep thinking about.