Chapter 31

CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

LAKE

78 bobas left until we both die … (the same day)

What … what is he doing? Why is he doing this?

I should’ve known the minute I saw him walk in that door that today was not a day to push my luck. Yesterday, there were moments where I felt that if I’d melted into his arms, that he’d have held me. Not today. Whatever happened today has soured him.

Having his penis posted on the internet could be part of that, but I don’t understand why he’s using this moment to taunt me.

Suck his dick?

I should turn away, walk out, and never speak to him again. His superstar status is irrelevant. His looks are irrelevant. All the parts that I’ve grown to like about him are irrelevant. He’s being rude and disrespectful and mean. If it were up to me, I’d leave.

But it’s not just me.

It’s the curse.

Sex with Tam is a game changer.

By doing this, I could be saving us both. But at what cost? I think, and then I let out a small, disbelieving laugh. After watching Joe die, I am not ready to give up.

I snag a pillow off the bed, walk toward Tam, and I toss it on the floor between his legs.

Time stands still as I wait to see if he’ll backpedal, apologize, zip his pants up.

His stare is nothing but challenge.

I kneel down and put a hand on either of his thighs, and he shudders all over. I look up and into his eyes.

“Are you okay with me touching you?” I ask him, because I need to know that he means this, that he isn’t going to panic five minutes after and take off.

“What guy wouldn’t want his dick sucked, Lakelynn? Come on.”

Tam scoops my hair into a loose fist, and I exhale against the denim over his thigh. All day yesterday, I felt this tension, and now here it is, coming to a head in this way because he’s too damaged to ask me to bed with a smile.

Fine.

I hate this fucking curse.

I wrap the fingers of both hands under the undone hem of his jeans, and I yank them down. He adjusts his hips to make it easier for me but doesn’t move to assist in any other way. I pull the denim over his legs, and lean over them, pressing a kiss to the inside of his knee.

I exhale against Tam’s skin, and I close my eyes.

I’ve never done this before, so this is a lot for me. I have no idea how experienced Tam is, but I imagine this is nothing new to him. He has access to virtually whoever he wants, whenever he wants. This might not mean a damn thing to him.

That’s not true. He doesn’t come across as someone who … But then all of his flirting, his edging toward me, tucking my toes under his thigh, that fills my mind, and I just don’t know anymore.

I kiss my way up his leg, and his breath hisses out. When I open my eyes and look up at him, he’s watching me with a parted mouth and huge pupils. The fingers on his left hand are tight on the armrest of the chair, knuckles pressing tight against his skin. He’s stressed-out and pulled thin, and I can see it in the way he unravels when I drag a fingertip up the inside of his leg.

I wouldn’t even have to touch his cock to get him to come. I lean forward a little more, my breasts brushing against the insides of his legs, and I press a quick kiss against the side of his erection. Tam bucks his hips, but he keeps his one hand rigid on the armrest, and the other soft in my hair. He holds the strands up in his fingers, lets them feather against my neck, collects them again.

I sigh as his fingertips graze the back of my neck, over the sensitive spot at the base of my scalp. We could just be lying in bed doing that, and I’d have been happy.

I rub my palms up both of his thighs, brushing my clothed chest against the chair cushion between his legs. When I put pressure on his legs to give myself leverage, he shifts and exhales, breath ruffling my hair. I don’t bother to look up at him, but he must be staring down at me now.

I hope you can see how hard I’m trying, I think, and then I wrap the fingers of my right hand around him experimentally. He shifts again, and his hand tightens ever so slightly in my hair. I tap my thumb against the underside of his shaft, and then I press it into him hard, running it up the length of him to his crown. I circle the head of his cock, and he moves again. Just these little shifts here and there, just the slightest tension in the fist that’s holding my hair up.

“If you like me, you can have me.” I have no clue what to make of that statement. Should I be happy? He’s telling me what I want to hear, even if he slung the words like mud, made them hurtful, cheap, an insult. No, I’m not happy. I feel a little hollow, but I’m also not going to back down.

The chances of me performing oral sex on him, and the pair of us dying from the curse … less than eight percent. Only eight percent of my relatives have ever had sex with their Match and still died. Much better odds than we have now.

My body isn’t nearly as unhappy as my heart. She doesn’t care how we get Tam, just so long as we get him. But I don’t share her sentiment. I do, however, ride out her wants, the way she can sense the little tells in his muscles, in his breathing, in the smell of him.

I let my thumb drift softly over the head of him, and Tam releases his breath through his teeth. His fingers drift up to the top of my scalp, and he strokes my skin so tenderly that I get the chills.

I know he’s mad, but that he also wants me to touch him. He’s mixing up all his emotions in the same way that he was sending me mixed signals.

“You’re so mean,” I whisper softly.

“Only as mean as—” he starts, but whatever he’s going to say, I don’t want to hear it. Only as mean as I have to be? Only as mean as you were when you nicely asked me to break up with Kaycee? Ugh. I take him into my mouth to shut him up. My lips part, and I slide right over the tip of him, keeping my grip with my right hand. “Oh,” Tam breathes from above me, and I shiver all over as his fingers continue to massage my head. It feels good, that gentle touch.

“So you want to fuck me? Like everyone else?”

I should’ve stuck to a friendship with Tam. It’s possible to break the curse platonically, even if it’s rare. But it’s too late, and we’re already here, and … honestly, I didn’t think he’d let me go through with it. I’ve been waiting for him to stop me, but it doesn’t seem like he’s going to.

I like you, I tell him as I experiment with different things, to see what he likes. Even if you’re mean-spirited sometimes. Tam tries so hard to be what everyone else wants him to be that I think he’s forgotten who he is and what it is that he wants.

Above all things, I think that Tam Eyre is lonely.

But I’m here, and my left hand is circling this spot on the inside of his knee that’s giving him goose bumps. My tongue is circling the head of his shaft, and my thumb is stroking slowly and gently down the underside to his balls. I tease them with a brief touch and then work my way back up, pulling my mouth off him so that I can take a deep breath. When I exhale, I blow the warm air on the wetness I left behind.

Tam’s fingers go stiff on my scalp, so I take him into my mouth again, as far as I can. My left hand drifts up the length of his bare thigh, pushing his T-shirt up. I splay my fingers on a body that’s as perfect as humanly possible. Tam has very little body fat, and his muscles are lean and natural, a dancer’s body. They tighten under my fingers as I find his navel with my thumb, tracing a circle around that as I apply a gentle pressure with my mouth, sucking on the upper half of his shaft while I squeeze the lower half in a tight fist.

My eyes drift up to my left hand, fingers spread out over his taut belly. He’s got the slightest wisp of pale freckles just above his belly button. I slide my mouth off his shaft and lean forward as far as I can. The move puts my sweater-covered breasts up against his dick as I press a kiss to those freckles, to that tender spot just below his navel. There’s the softest brush of hair leading down to his shaft, and it’s pale and strawberry blonde, a less pink version of the hair on his head.

“Lake,” he murmurs, voice twisted in ecstasy and wonder. I kiss his belly again, trace his navel with my tongue, and then I move my mouth back to his cock. I slip down as far as I can, and then I finally flick my eyes up to his.

His hand tightens on the back of my head, but he doesn’t push me down or hold me there. He just rests tense fingers in my hair, and I wonder how much he’s holding back right now, what this moment means to him. With those green eyes on mine, his face sparkling with glitter in the glow of the bedside lamp, I work my mouth up and down.

I don’t think he realizes that his climax is coming as fast as it is, but then his hand really is gripping the back of my head. His hips rise up off the chair, and there’s a warmth in my mouth, a taste that I’ve never experienced. I stay where I am, my own heart beating as wildly as his. I can feel his pulse in the inside of his thigh, my left hand stroking that spot where his thigh meets his pelvis.

When I draw away, I do it slowly, pressing one final kiss to the tip of him. I draw both my right and left hands down his legs as I sit back, skimming his skin with my palms. He’s well-groomed, almost too well-groomed, I guess. There’s no hair except for that little patch under his belly button which, figuring what he does for a living, was probably left there on purpose.

“Lake,” Tam says again, and his voice is heavy and sleepy and tender. His thumb finds my chin, trying to lift my face up to his. I turn away and swallow. And then I’m standing up and trying to leave. He catches me by the wrist, but I pull away from him.

I move as quickly as I can downstairs, ignoring the dinner prep that I started earlier. I wasn’t sure what time he’d be back, so I started early and then set everything up so that I could make the alfredo sauce quickly, serve it nice and hot. I even bought this cheap little spiralizer so that I could turn some fresh zucchini into noodles. I don’t know much about his diet, but I figured that had to be better than actual noodles.

Now … I don’t know what I feel right now.

I feel a little queasy, I realize as I take the stairs as quickly as I can. I feel a little used.

It was my choice, obviously. I didn’t have to do that. I should have spit in his face and called Joules to pick me up. But I know why I did it.

I didn’t do that for me. I didn’t even do that for Tam. I did it for the curse.

I had my first sexual experience for the curse, not for myself. I gave Tam my all, not because he deserved it, but because of the goddamn curse.

I jog my way into the kitchen, wrench the fridge open, and snatch up a seltzer water. I crack the top and then I chug it to wash the taste of Tam from my mouth. I can hear his footsteps as he moves quietly up beside me, blocking my exit. I’ll have to go the long way around the island to get away from him.

I finish that first can, toss it onto the counter, and grab another.

“Lake.” A pause. “Kayak.”

I don’t know how I feel about Tam using a pet name, but I do call him Sir Tom, so … I’m just prickly because I’m embarrassed, and I feel like a total fuckwit. I gave him a blow job when he was in a bad mood and being a total ass, because of the curse. The curse that stole my Aunt Clara. That killed my great grandma a week before my birthday. I found the blanket she was making for me in her room. Never to be finished by her hands.

This curse destroyed me and Joules and Aunt Lisa when it took Joe. It ruined Marla’s family when it took her. It’s ruining me right now.

I turn my head slowly to look at Tam, the fresh seltzer still clutched in my hand. We look at each other, and I see that his face is warm, flushed in the cheeks and the forehead. His pupils are still too big, and his mouth looks a little swollen, like he might’ve scraped his teeth against it while I was sucking him off.

“I’ve reduced our chances of dying from the curse down to eight percent—according to the family records.” I smile tightly and try to flee the kitchen by heading in the opposite direction.

He catches up to me again and snatches my hand, but I yank mine away and turn a look on him over my shoulder.

“Be someone that I wouldn’t have to be cursed to want to be with.” I sniffle a little, and I realize that I might cry. Over that? I’m pathetic. But I’m not crying because I chose to accept Tam’s awful offer to suck him off. I’m upset because he was so awful to me when he isn’t awful to anyone else. He’s an angel to everyone else, and I understand that it’s because he’s starting to feel comfortable with me, but I’m not here to be an emotional punching bag either. “Please, Tam. Please.”

I slide my hand from his loose grip, and I flee up the stairs to my room.

I shove everything that I have into my pink duffel bag, and then I hide in the bathroom to call Joules.

“Come and get me—now,” I whisper into the phone, and I can immediately sense my brother’s rage. He doesn’t have to say a word to me. It’s in the way he breathes.

“I’m going to fucking kill him,” Joules snarls, and then he hangs up on me.

I don’t have time to worry about that. I sling my duffel bag over my shoulder and crack the door to my bedroom. The door to Tam’s room is open, too, lamplight spilling into the dark hallway. I tiptoe out and down the stairs, taking them so slowly that I don’t make any sound at all.

When I get to the foyer, I peek into the dark living room, and I find Tam sitting on the couch in front of the fire, a glass of wine in his hand. It catches the light and throws dancing burgundy shadows across my hands and face. Tam sighs heavily and drops his head into his hand.

Good.

I hope he’s reflecting on what just happened.

I creep out the front door, and I don’t even close it fully behind me because I don’t want to make too much sound. I just push it in until there’s a bit of resistance, and I leave it like it is.

Daniel is outside when I come out, and he turns to look at me. I should’ve brushed my hair because I bet it’s all messy from Tam’s fingers. Can Daniel tell what happened just by looking at me?

“You’re leaving?” he asks, sounding confused, and I nod, hitching my bag up a little higher.

“Yeah, I am. If you could … please don’t tell Tam.” I give Daniel a tight-lipped smile, and he nods, gray eyes studying my face. He’s surprisingly handsome, too. Like, almost as handsome as Tam. But only almost.

When I blink, I see that scene replaying in my head.

I am going to imagine sucking Tam Eyre’s cock whenever I close my eyes for at least a month. Probably more like a year. I let out a deep exhale.

“Don’t worry. I don’t get involved in his business. As long as you don’t try to kill him, it’s not my job.”

I give a little laugh and a shake of my head.

“Really? Oh damn. Guess I can’t poison his alfredo sauce tonight. See you around, Daniel.” I start to walk away and then pause. Or … not. I’m not sure when or if I’m going to see Daniel. Because I’m going home. Tonight.

I just want to go home for a little while and regroup.

I lift my arm up and study the curse mark on my left wrist.

Of course the curse isn’t broken yet. That would be too easy.

I drop my arm to my side and start walking across the gravel driveway, taking my phone out to use as a flashlight in the dark woods. I turn right at the road, and then I pause. I might need some time to think, so … I block Tam’s number. Not forever. Just for now.

I keep going, and I walk for the entire hour that it takes Joules to get to me. I only pass by two other houses, lights ablaze. I’m not sure how safe the woods are out here, if there are animals, but I don’t care.

The lights of our mother’s SUV sweep over me, and I swing an arm in the air, waving my flashlight around so that my maniac of a brother won’t hit me. He’s driving a good sixty miles an hour on this backwoods road.

I jog over to the passenger side of the car and climb in, chucking my duffel bag in the back and reclining into the warm seat with a deep sigh of relief. It might be spring, but it’s still cold in Oregon at night.

The car does not move.

I open my eyes and turn my head to look at my brother.

He’s just sitting there, and he’s staring at me, and he looks like he really is going to kill someone.

I open my mouth, but no words will come out. My face blooms in a bright flush, and then Joules is lunging at me, and I’m trying to hide my left wrist.

“Don’t you dare protect him, Lakelynn Frost.” Joules manhandles my wrist into the light from the dashboard screen, and then lifts up dark, angry eyes to stare at me. “Did he fuck you?” he growls out, and I just really wish I didn’t have to have these sorts of conversations with him.

I shake my head.

“I … he … I sucked …” That’s enough. Joules can figure it out from there. He releases my wrist and works his jaw.

“You sucked his dick, and yet the curse isn’t broken? That piece of shit. I’m going to put my hands on his neck when I see him next.” Joules slumps back into the driver’s seat and then looks me up and down in the dark. “Is that why you called me?” he asks, gentling his voice. “I know you don’t like to talk about this stuff with me, but I also know that was your first time, and—”

“Joules, stop.” I sigh and rub my face. “It’s not … I’m not upset that it happened. I’m upset with how it happened and why it happened.”

I probably shouldn’t tell him this, but I’m upset, and he’ll figure out something is wrong eventually. When my brother and I can’t read each other, when we’re not honest with one another, we always assume worst case scenario. That’s why I think he’s lying about something big to me. Like, did Kaycee and Tam hook up? Is she pregnant? Did Joules find secret texts between them about me? No, it’s worse than all that. I let my eyes drift to his wrist, but the curse mark still looks dormant.

“Explain.” It’s more of a growl than a word. I’d rather ask him about Kaycee, see if they spent any time together over the last few days. It sounds like she was really upset about the curse—understandable, of course—so I can’t imagine how my brother would get her to ever speak to him again.

I should know better than to underestimate him, shouldn’t I?

“I did that with him not because I wanted to or even because he wanted to, but because I knew it was best for the curse. I let go of a personal experience to save my own skin, and while I know it’s the right decision, it just … sucks. Joe would never have done something like that, fuck Marla just to break the curse.”

“But maybe he should have,” Joules grinds out, but I don’t think Joe would be Joe if he didn’t hold so strong to the principles that he believed it. “What else?”

“Huh?” I look over at Joules, and I’m just mortified. I want to go back to the hotel, sleep, and then … “Joules, I want to go home.” I sniffle a little, and my brother’s skin flushes with the red of rage. I need to keep him away from Tam. That is, if I care about Tam at all. “Please. We can sleep at the hotel tonight, but then I want to drive home tomorrow and stay through my birthday. I need to see Joe bloom,” I whisper, because we’re nearing the end of the redbud’s flowering season. It’s always the first plant in the area that blooms, an oasis for pollinators when the rest of the world is brown and gray and asleep. I caught the start of it, and I want to see the finish, too.

“You told me the why of your anger, Lake. You did not tell me the how. What happened.” There is no question mark at the end of that sentence. Joules will know, right now, or there will be hell to pay. I sigh and trace the inside seam of my leggings, imagining my hands on Tam’s bare legs.

The fact that he let me touch him like that offers a sense of wonder that even my shame and frustration can’t wipe entirely away. I sucked Tam Eyre’s dick. That’s … honestly amazing. Lynn is going to die when I tell her. Only, I really don’t want to tell anyone else. Is it their business? My family is great, but they make everything their business. Result of the curse, I suppose. Me giving Tam a blow job isn’t just about the feelings we have for each other, it’s also an indicator as to whether we’ll live or die.

“He said something like, you want me, you can have me, now suck my dick. Maybe not verbatim, but basically that.”

Joules reaches over and forces me to buckle my seat belt. He doesn’t buckle his own. He doesn’t turn the SUV around. He accelerates down the gravel road as I turn to stare at him, my eyes widening.

“Don’t do this. Tam doesn’t even know I left. I … I didn’t talk to him after. Maybe he doesn’t even know that I’m—”

“Goddamn it, Lake!” Joules yells back at me, and I wish I could say that I didn’t know why he was so angry. But I do. I was there when Marla turned down Joe’s invitations to coffee, when she blocked his number for a whole month, when she told him that she’d rather die than love a man other than her deceased boyfriend.

I hated Marla back then.

I hated her. Even though it wasn’t her fault. Even if it was nobody’s fault. I don’t even know if my long-ago ancestor did anything wrong. Maybe he was at the wrong place at the wrong time. I don’t know anything except for that I hated Marla, and Joules hates Tam.

“Please don’t do anything that will result in my death, Joules. If you hurt him, he may never speak to me again.”

Joules stops the car suddenly, and I lurch forward. He throws his arm out to keep me from hitting the dashboard.

“Stay here,” he commands, and then he leaps out of the car and starts running. He takes the keys with him and leaves me stuck by myself on the side of a gravel road surrounded by trees. I can’t run fast enough to catch up with Joules. I don’t know how far he drove us back before we stopped, but we’re far enough from the rental house that I’ll only be able to see the aftermath of whatever happens.

Wild curses sail from my muttering lips as I rip my seat belt off and hop out. Before I start running, I unblock Tam and I type out a warning.

Joules is on his way, and he’s not happy.

Then I block him again, and I run as fast as I can down a gravel road in the middle of nowhere.

I sucked Tam Eyre’s dick, and then I ran away.

What the fuck have I done?