Chapter 12

Carter

It's been two weeks, and things seem to be good. I've been learning how to be her friend, and today we were actually going somewhere together. It was a non-date as I told her.

I didn't even hear Mav when he walked up behind me. "Why are you so happy?" he teased.

I looked at him as I thought about his question. "I'm normal."

"You're whistling," he deadpanned.

"Ok. That's normal." I went back to fixing my coffee.

"You go running this morning with her?" He snickered and I nodded. "That explains it," he teased.

"What are you talking about?" I turned and crossed my arms as I stared him down.

"When you're around her, you're always in a good mood. It's as if she's a drug for you, and you got your fix so you're happy for the day." He shrugged. "I wish I could be around for when you bang her."

"We're friends." I glared at him.

"Well, why don't you benefit from that?" His grin told me that a million dirty thoughts were going through his head right now, and I'd be pissed if he shared them.

"It's not like that," I growled. "She's a nice girl."

"Uh huh." He turned and wandered away. "Let me know when you realize that you need more for your daily fix," he called over his shoulder; fucker.

Ava

I‘d just hopped out of the shower after my morning run. I didn't have PT today and it was Saturday, so my whole day was free. Carter had asked me if I'd like to join him at the winter carnival. It was one of the last big events in the area before spring. Supposedly, a group of his friends were coming, and he thought it would be fun. I'd agreed, but now I wasn't so sure.

"What's wrong?" Ashley came shuffling in, sipping on her coffee.

"Carter asked me to go to the carnival, and I said yes." I bit my lip as I looked up at her.

She clapped giddily. "Is this a date? Are you two finally going out?"

"No. Not a date. We're friends." I picked at the blanket on my bed.

"So what's the problem?" She moved closer and sat down beside me.

I thought about how to word what I was going to say for several minutes. It always sounded better in my head than when I tried to voice it. "I know he likes me. I can see it in the way he looks at me. I think I might like him too, but I don't think I'm ready for another relationship right now." I sighed. I'd finally told someone other than my mom about what was going on.

"Ava" —Ashley turned to face me and paused— "I'm going to be as gentle as I can here. Danny was a douche bag. He's the only boyfriend you've had for years. You started dating when you were kids. Carter is a man. He's more mature, knows what he wants out of life, has a good job, and he's hot. You should explore this." Her eyes went wide as if she were saying ‘duh'.

"I don't know if I can." I looked away. "I like the way things are. What if they change?"

"Change is not always a bad thing. Life would be boring if we didn't change some." She laughed lightly. "You need to tell him how you feel."

"No!" I squealed.

"What are you afraid of, really?" She stood.

"I don't know," I muttered as I picked at the blanket some more. "Nothing… everything." I shrugged.

"Go to the carnival. Open the door for this… whatever it is… and see if he comes in. He'd be stupid not to. I mean, look at you. You are beautiful and kind, and smart. If he doesn't see that, then he's blind."

I laughed. "You forgot athletic."

"He really is blind if he doesn't see that." She rolled her eyes.. "I'm heading to the store. Do you want anything?" She rocked on her heels.

"No, just maybe a little courage," I mumbled.

"You play in front of thousands and don't flinch. Carter should be a piece of cake."

"That's different." I flopped back on the bed.

"Call me if you need anything, and have fun," she stressed.

"Yeah, fun," I muttered.

I paced the living room as I waited for him to arrive, and right on time he pulled into the parking lot. It was a nice day. Cool with a light breeze in the air. I'd dressed in a sweater and jeans. I watched from the window as he climbed from the car. His hair was still damp from a shower, and the Henley he was wearing was snug on his chest and arms.

I watched until he disappeared into the stairwell. When I heard the knock, I jumped. "Here goes nothing," I whispered to myself as I opened the door.

"Hey." He kicked at the ground with his boot. "You ready?" His head was bent down, and he peered through his wet hair where it was hanging partially over his eyes. He seemed nervous almost.

"Let me grab my purse." I motioned as I turned around to rush into the kitchen. I took a moment to gather myself. He looked delicious and being around him all day might be harder than I thought. "Ready." I spun and grinned.

"Your chariot awaits." He smiled and offered his arm as if he was going to escort me down the steps.

"Do guys still do this?" I laughed as I linked my arm with his.

"This guy was taught by his mother to always help a lady."

"Sounds like a smart woman." We walked side by side down to his car.

"She was." His voice suddenly took on a melancholy tone. "She died last year. Breast cancer."

I stumbled to a stop. "I'm sorry." I swallowed. My brain was going in a million directions. Should I tell him? Was it too soon? Did it even matter?

"What's wrong?" He stopped and faced me as we reached the car.

"Nothing." I tried to brush it away. This was supposed to be a fun, low-key day and I was making it so much more.

"I know it's not nothing. We're supposed to be friends. What's wrong?" His hands gently grabbed my arms, holding me in place. His knees bent so we were eye level with each other. His smile softened. "Talk to me."

I took a deep breath and swallowed. This was not how I wanted to start this non-date. "My mom's dead, too. She had Leukemia. She died when I was just a month old." I forced the words out. "Can we go now?"

His eyes flashed and then I saw it… the pity that always comes when I share my story. "I'm sorry." His eyes softened.

"I know. Everybody is," I muttered as I looked away. "Can we go?" I wanted to move on. I wanted to get away from this weird moment and pretend that the universe wasn't working against me.

Carter backed up and released me, then opened the door. As I climbed in, I glanced up at the sky. It was a clear day and the sun was bright. Once Carter closed the door, I whispered, "I hope you two got a good laugh." I was imagining our moms sitting together talking about us. Wondering when we'd finally get together, why we were so blind, and happy that we found out we shared a common experience.

When he climbed in, Carter cranked the engine and apologized at the same time. "I didn't mean to make this day heavy. We don't have to talk about anything that you don't want to."

"It's ok." I stared out the window. "I'm sorry you lost your mom."

"Thanks. I'm sorry you never knew yours." He patted my knee, and then pulled into traffic.

We drove in silence down the highway. I wondered if the conversation was going to be this hard all day today. Should I have just kept my mouth shut? Did he really not know about my past? Everyone at school knew who my mom was, and that she was dead. Was Carter living under a rock? Confusion, frustration, and curiosity swirled inside me, building to a point that I almost exploded. I didn't want to be mad at him, but I think being angry helped push away the desire for something more. I was a walking contradiction today. I didn't know if I wanted a hug, a kiss, or to be left alone. The only thing I did know was that I wanted it from Carter. He was the one to offer solace, and every bit of my being wanted him in ways that I shouldn't.