6. Xavier

CHAPTER 6

XAVIER

I felt a little bit guilty about leaving before Ella woke up this morning. I hadn't intended on staying over, but I definitely would have been over the legal limit after the wine we drank. She looked so defeated after being stood up that I couldn't just borrow a book and bail. So, I stayed a little bit longer. Apparently, I needed the company and conversation just as much as she did. I can't remember the last time I just sat with someone and talked. About everything and about nothing all at once. I barely know Ella, and yet it is so easy to open up and be around her. Perhaps it's because I don't know her that well. I don't fear her judgement the same way I do with the people who know me best.

When I broke up with Jade, I hadn't anticipated the reaction I got from some of my friends. They couldn't quite understand why I was "giving up" my life and "starting over" at 32. I tried to explain to them that 32 was still young, and that I wasn't going to force myself to stay in a relationship I wasn't happy in. After a while, they claimed that they understood and that they supported me, but I could tell that they were judging me for it. They were all married themselves, some of them had kids, and half of them were miserable but would never admit to it.

So yeah, that's probably why I ended up staying later and drinking more than intended. Companionship without the side of judgement. If I wasn't meeting up with Jade to talk about house stuff this morning, I would have stayed until Ella woke up, maybe had coffee with her. But that wouldn't have been a good idea. I don't want her to get the wrong impression and think I'm trying to date her. I'm not interested in dating right now. Do I think she's attractive? Absolutely . I thought so the moment I saw her. She had come up to the bar on that terrible date she went on, barely even looking at me. She was flustered and obviously anxious. I thought she was beautiful. Strawberry blonde hair, eyes the colour of storm clouds… yeah, she definitely caught my attention. And then when she came to return my jacket, I couldn't walk away without at least getting to know her a little bit. I didn't expect her to be so open, funny, and captivating. I immediately wanted to know more.

Last night she needed a friend, and I found myself wanting to fill that role. But then, the hug. It seemed innocent enough, and she looked like she really needed one. But the moment she wrapped her arms around me and rested her head beneath my chin, something shifted. She fit perfectly in my arms and when I felt her body relax and melt into mine, my attraction to her skyrocketed. It took everything in me to not tilt her head up and kiss her. But I would never do that. She was upset and drunk, and I'm not the type of guy who takes advantage of women in that position. So instead, I just held her tight and let my thumb lazily trace her side. I heard her breath hitch when I did it, so I think it would be a fair assumption that the attraction is mutual. But then she pulled away. I'm not sure why she did—all I know is I immediately wanted her back in my arms.

When she retreated to her room, I lay on the couch and tried to think of anything but her warmth. I tried not to think about following her into her bedroom, holding her, kissing her, breaking her dry spell and giving her the pleasure she deserves. I tried, and ultimately failed, to not think about her lips on mine, my hands fisted in her hair, the little moans that would come out of her mouth… let's just say, I went to sleep horny as fuck and knew I had to be gone before she woke up. She's not interested in one-night stands, or friends with benefits. She's looking for a relationship. And that's just not something I can offer right now. So, with all of that in mind, and that little fantasy still replaying itself in my head, I took off early. I left a note, and I hope she was okay when she woke up this morning. I plan on texting her on ce I finish up with Jade.

I pull up outside of Jade's new apartment. It's a nice place, exactly the type of house I envisioned her living in. Whilst I've always loved my property, Jade was always a city girl at heart. I enter her apartment number into the intercom and she buzzes me in shortly after. I take the elevator up and knock on her door. This is the first time I've been to her place since she moved out a few weeks ago. I'm feeling… nervous? Which is ridiculous. I was with the woman for five years. There's no drama between us and we're friendly. I still hold a lot of guilt over our breakup, but I couldn't stay in a relationship that had dwindled into something platonic. It was gradual, but eventually I just couldn't keep going the way we were. We lived with each other for six months after the breakup, and it was actually easier than I thought it would be, as we swiftly fell into a housemate type relationship. It worked well for a while—the only rule we had was don't bring someone back to the house if the other person was home. That was purely out of respect. Not that I had to worry about that rule often, I've only slept with one other person since we broke up. Which is another reason why staying at Ella's place last night probably wasn't the best decision. I have a lot of built-up sexual tension. My hand can only do so much.

Jade opens the door and startles me out of my own thoughts. Her smile is calming and familiar, and all feelings of nervousness are gone. She invites me in, gives me a hug and I take in her new living arrangements. It's very her. Modern, chic, with small hints of our past scattered around the place. Mainly, the coffee table that I designed and built for her birthday three years ago.

"So, what do you think of my new place?" she asks.

"It's amazing, it's so perfectly you, Jade. And you got a view, just like you wanted," I say. In Adelaide, you either get a view of the ocean or a view of the hills. She wanted the latter and that's what she got. I'm so happy for her.

"Thank you, I'm really happy here. It took me a while to settle in. I definitely felt homesick." She laughed. "But it's now starting to feel like mine, and I love it."

"I'm glad. Though I have to say, the chickens back home sure do miss you." She laughs. The chickens most definitely do not miss her. She was never able to bond with them, and she was often chased out of the coop by my biggest hen, Meryl Cheep.

"Mmm yeah, I'm sure Meryl misses me terribly. Tell her I'll come to visit soon."

"I'll be sure to do that. She'll be thrilled to hear it." I smile at her. I have to say, I do miss her. She'd been my best friend for so long and I really hope we don't lose that, now that we aren't together anymore. It's selfish of me to think that, given I'm the one who ended things, but so far, we've been okay.

She walks to her kitchen and starts to make us coffee. We chat as she goes about it, and I catch her up on the house and how things are going at work. I believe Dad will be retiring within the next 12 months, so the handover of the business will hopefully begin soon. I've been ready to take over for years, but he's being stubborn and won't retire. Says he's got plenty left in him, which he probably does. But I can see he's getting tired, and I'm ready to step up. I've worked hard enough; he should see that I'm ready.

"Speaking of the pub…" she says as she puts two mugs down on the kitchen table. "A little birdie told me that you've left work, twice, with a hot little redhead." There's a twinkle in her eye. My stomach does a nervous flip for some reason.

"Oh really? Would that little birdie happen to be my dear pal, Lena?" I ask. She just smiles. "Seems I may need to have a word with her about workplace gossip."I'm joking, of course, but I do find it a bit uncomfortable that my friend and employee is gossiping about me to my ex-girlfriend, even though she is friends with both of us."But before you ask, don't worry, there isn't anything going on. And her name is Ella." I take a sip of coffee.

"Why would I be worried? We're not together anymore, you can see whoever you want," she says, and I know it's true, but I don't really like how easy it is for her to say it.

"Yeah, I know. It's nothing, though. She was in a tight spot, and I helped her out. A couple of times. Nothing has happened."

"It's fine, Xav. You don't have to explain anything to me. I was just being nosy. And, you know, it's okay if something did happen, too. It's been seven months; you could try opening up to the possibility of someone again," she says softly. I know she's being nice, being my friend, but I don't like this topic of discussion. It just feels a bit too strange to be talking about other women with her. I feel guilty.

"I know that. But really, we're just friends. Now… about your half of the house, are you still okay with me buying you out?" I trail off, hoping she drops it and realises that I want to change the conversation. She pauses, like she wants to say something more, but she takes the hint and answers my question.

I think about what she said as she's talking and I begin to wonder, is she encouraging me to start dating other people because she wants to date other people? Or is it because she's trying to gauge whether or not I am looking elsewhere? All I know is that it's still too soon to jump headfirst into another relationship. Afterall, my last one was a total failure.