17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17

~ Tiffany ~

" S o," he started, looking around at the empty patio before turning to me. I had practiced this speech a million times over the last few days. Hell, half of that was last night alone as I sat on the bus and stared at the window.

I should be able to have it all come flooding out, but I'll be damned if anything is happening now. All I could do was stare at him.

Sure, I had seen him on stage, daydreamed more than I should, and remembered the fun times while there. But he was so far away, never letting me get close. Even when the times were to call for it, because through the whole show, half the dancing was led by me, the other Charlene. Instead, he had her doing it all.

So, no, I wasn't able to look my fill, at least not close.

He didn't look like he was getting enough sleep. In fact, he looked a lot like me. Ragged, run-down, tired, and yet unable to stop and rest. Wonder if he was hurting as badly as I was or was that just something I wanted to believe?

"Are you going to talk or just stare?"

Right, talk. The whole point in bringing him out. That's what I was hoping would happen after the song anyway.

"I'm sorry." I winced and shook my head. "I didn't mean to lead with that, but I am. I'm sorry for lying. But let me explain?"

"I haven't walked away, have I?"

"No." This was a good sign. "I liked Jameson. What female doesn't? The rocker is smooth, sexy, a sinner all onstage. He swoons the crowd and he knows it. He isn't any different to his dancers. But his dancers know him. And Jameson, he's an asshole off-stage.

"When I ran into you the first night at BeeAnn's, I was going to walk away. I wanted nothing to do with you. But the first words out of your mouth stopped me. Heath is different from Jameson.And it was Heath I wanted to get to know.

"The makeup we wear as dancers is a rule set forth by the company we work for. They tell us to maintain a standard and while on company time, we must be fully done up. I've been doing this for a few years and usually, I'm okay with it. But when I'm off the clock, you can bet your ass that jeans, leggings, hair up, and no face painted on is how I'm going to be.

"So, being free of the dancer and the knowledge that you would back away if you knew, I didn't say anything. Because you weren't Jameson. So, I wasn't going to be Tiffany, just Tiff." I paused and licked my lips, knowing that none of this was setting up a good story for the lie, but there was no story, just an explanation that I was hoping he would at least think about.

"I never said I wasn't the performer though."

"I know. I know.And believe me when I say I kick my ass for keeping it. But I guess deep down I was also worried. You had such a strong dislike for us. Especially after the accident when I forgot to use my spray. I don't like the makeup, it's not us."

"Well, you sure fooled the shit out of me, and I like to think I look at you a lot during a show or practice."

"You do." I glanced down at my hands, willing my heart to stop pounding. "I didn't know how to tell you. I wanted to. God, I wanted to, but I didn't know when. The night we met, and we talked,it just felt like there wasn't a time."

"And any of the times I asked about a job? Like that first night, in fact?"

"I'm not excusing my behavior. I should have told you. It wasn't that I was trying to deceive you, Heath. That was not my goal. I didn't just have a crush on you, I loved you. Even before meeting you. And you don't show Heath to a lot of people. I didn't want to lose that. Can you understand that?

"Can't you get how torn up I was over not telling you? I never once used you to push my own needs or elevation because that's not what I wanted from you. I wanted your hugs, your kisses, your devotion, not your status or your money.Frankly, it means shit to me. I'd be happy if you just wrote songs and left Jameson behind.

"But I'm smart enough to know that you couldn't, because you love the stage and your fans far too much. I know that they're your world, your high, the reason you do what you do.I know how pissed off you get when you can't seem to make them happy with new tunes. I understand it. I support and respect it. Does that sound like someone who is lying to be hurtful and deceitful?"

"No. But it also doesn't wipe out the lie, Tiffany! Don't you get that I wanted someone real?"

"I've never been more real with a person, than I was with you, Heath!Take this one fact away and look at the stories and things I have told you. Every piece of me was laid bare. It's not something I show anyone, and I did it for you because you meant something."

"It wasn't enough!"

With that, I nodded. Seeing how hurt he was let me know he wouldn't listen. I couldn't blame him. He had fake all his adult life. I wouldn't want it either. And if the first person I cared for lied to me, it would betray and shatter me on so many levels.

I understood it, but it didn't mean I liked it.

"I want you to know I really never meant to hurt you," I whispered, hearing how shakey my voice was from holding back the tears. "I never wanted to be lumped in with those bitches, either.I was never out to use or abuse you.

"But I do understand you wanting to say goodbye tonight. I also understand why you want me off the tour. I've had so many great years working for you and such great memories, even prior to the start of our relationship, though those might be my favorite." I wiped my nose, unable to stop the tears now.

But he still didn't say anything.

"Heath Scott James Devon, I wish you all the success and all the best. And when you finally win your Grammy, I hope it's with the love of your life on your arm. Because you deserve nothing but someone strong behind you. And I hope your writing continues because you have such a great ear and these last few pieces have been amazing."

I gently placed my hand on his armand brushed my lips over his cheek.

"I want you to know I love you beyond reason. And though another man may claim my body, no other man could ever have my heart. It's forever yours." I pulled back, gazing into his eyes once more but he stood still, just watching me.With a watery smile I turned and walked away, knowing that if I looked back, I'd break down.