Chapter 21

CHAPTER 21

Evelyn

NO ONE HAS EVER TOUCHED ME LIKE BOWEN DOES, AS IF I’ll shatter into a million pieces if he holds me too tightly. We come together over and over again, fast and slow and downright lazy at times, but as soon as our bodies cool, one of us will reach for the other and start the process all over again. It’s barely been twenty-four hours since we arrived at the inn, but time feels like taffy, stretching into infinity. It won’t last.

I want to tell him I’m not breakable, but I’m afraid that I’d be lying. It’s good and right that he doesn’t cling to me as if he never wants me to leave. He’s offering me my freedom, or what passes for it. It’s what I wanted. It’s all I wanted.

Except that doesn’t feel quite true anymore.

I don’t know what to do with that feeling, so I shove it down deep and work to lose myself in the feeling of his body against mine and his taste on my tongue. It’s not enough, but I’ve long since learned that nothing is enough to fill up the void inside me.

It’s always been there, for as long as I can remember. Maybe it spawned into existence with my parents’ death. I don’t know. It was less noticeable then, with Bunny’s presence to combat the darkness. But ever since she died, it feels like it’s only gotten bigger.

Like it will swallow me whole someday.

A pounding on the door startles us both. Bowen moves before I do, tossing a sheet over my naked body and stalking to the door. It gives me a glorious view of his ass, and, for a moment, I almost forget the potential danger.

He angles his body behind the door and cracks it open. His shoulders drop, which tells me all I need to know.

It’s over.

He confirms it when he says, “Dia.”

“The Audacity just made dock,” Dia says. “They’ll be here overnight, and then they’re headed north to finish up a hunt before they circle back to Lyari. Best that we both be on it when it leaves in the morning.”

“Both,” he echoes.

I can’t see her, but I swear I feel her attention on me all the same. “I haven’t survived this long by being a fool, Bowen. That girl is going to take her fate into her own hands, damned or not. I just hope you’re not lovestruck enough to do the same. I’ll see you in the morning.”

Bowen shuts the door and turns around to lean against it. Not even the sight of his glorious cock is enough to combat the sudden weight that settles over me. It’s finished. I knew the ending would come at me fast, but this feels too soon. We barely got twenty-four hours. It’s nowhere near enough.

Still, he didn’t promise me more, and I’m the one who’s leaving. I’d be an incredible asshole if I held that against him. I try for a bright smile, though it feels painted on. “Please tell me that I heard her correctly and there’s a ship named the Audacity.”

“You heard right.” He scrubs a hand over his face. “I’d rather sail on any other vessel. Her quartermaster, Nox, isn’t so bad, but the captain is …” He sighs. “He’s the worst of everything you believe the C?n Annwn to be. Everything we are. The captain sets the tone for the rest of the crew. If you weren’t already headed elsewhere, I’d risk the anger of the Council to wait for the next ship rather than press you to join that crew.”

I could point out that he’s proving my point about the C?n Annwn as a whole, but I don’t. Bowen knows. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and a lifetime of conditioning won’t be dismantled in that time, either. He’s questioning it now, though. He’ll keep questioning it. It might get him killed, but he won’t go back to the way he was before. “Bowen—”

“Get dressed.” He’s still not quite looking at me. “It would be best if they didn’t know you were here to question why you aren’t coming aboard. Dia won’t say anything, but the townsfolk might. I’ll get you to the portal tonight. Now.”

Now.

Again, I have to bite down on the desire to ask him to come with me. He already gave his answer. He made his choice. I made mine. We both have our own paths to follow, and they diverge as soon as we walk out this door. Simple as that.

It still feels awful to get dressed in silence, my body still sore and singing from our time together. The feeling will fade, no matter how much I wish I could tattoo the memory of his touch on my very skin. I’ll escape and the years will eat the little details of my time with Bowen, just like they’ve devoured so many memories of Bunny. I’ll be left with vague impressions and a glossed-over image that lacks the true depth of what I feel right now.

Gods, I am so tired of being left behind. Even if I’m the one doing the leaving this time.

But staying is out of the question. I’m a witch and a thief. I’m not a rebel fighter. The only fights I like are ones that I know I can win, and going to battle against a literal navy is a surefire way to get yourself killed. That’s definitely against Bunny’s rules.

Part of me wants to despite that. It’s a small part, but it’s there.

Bowen must catch the strange thoughts flickering across my face, because he shakes his head. “You want to go home. That’s always what you wanted. As much as I wish you would stay, I don’t want you to make that choice for the wrong reasons and end up resenting me.”

He’s such a damn paladin. So self-sacrificing. If he was a little more selfish, he would have fucked me a few more times and entangled my heart completely. Instead, he’s ushering me out into the darkness to give me exactly what I want.

Really, he’s too good for me. Except, you know, for being a murderer on behalf of elder gods. Tiny detail, really.

Every noble cause loves a martyr, but your name living on as legend won’t matter much when you’re worm food.

Bunny’s right. I know she’s right. But my steps grow slower as we leave the village and work our way through the forest to the north. There is no cat-sìth here to force us to turn back. Instead, the trees seem to hold their breath as we move through them, as if they fear us.

And yet they’re so familiar that they make my heart ache. I recognize the sight and smell of maple, pine, and hawthorn. If not for the man at my side, I could almost believe that I’m actually back home and this has all been a dream. “Bowen.”

“Mmm?”

“If you could find out where you came from and go back, would you?”

He pauses long enough for me to catch up and then matches his stride to mine. “The easy answer is no. This is all I’ve ever known and suddenly finding out about the first thirteen years of my life doesn’t unmake the last twenty. But sometimes I wonder about my mother.” He shrugs. “It’s possible she was a terrible person and that’s how I ended up here, or that she died. But … I wonder.”

“It’s hard not to wonder.” I step over a fallen log. “Bunny was my everything, but my mother was her daughter. I think losing her … Well, Bunny didn’t like to talk about my mother. She died when I was six.” My memories of the woman who birthed me are more vague impressions than anything else at this point. The scent of rosemary. Scarlet lips that left their imprint on my cheeks when she kissed me. Green eyes just like mine, just like Bunny’s.

“I’m sorry.”

“Me, too. For you, I mean.” I clear my throat. “Don’t get me wrong. I wanted for nothing growing up. Bunny was the best grandmother a person could ask for.”

Bowen touches the small of my back, guiding me to the right of a tree. “I’m sorry you lost Bunny. She must have been a wonderful woman to have raised you to be someone equally wonderful.”

I miss a step. I can’t even focus on that compliment, not with my throat closing and my chest going too tight. Gods, I both love and hate this feeling. I don’t want to break down every time I think of my grandmother, but this is real. Proof that her fingerprints are on every aspect of my life. That I built myself from the foundation she helped create. “I miss her.”

“I know.” From his tone, he does. Of course he does. Ezra was his Bunny, come into his life later, but his North Star all the same. Is it any wonder he never questioned the C?n Annwn until now when the person he cared most about in the world never questioned them?

Bowen slows. “Here we are.”

I peer into the shadows and huff out a laugh. I don’t see anything. “Where?”

“Here.” He moves forward and carefully steps to the side. “Creek and tree roots. The portal gives off a faint hum that I feel more than I hear. Can’t you feel it?”

Not without trying; that’s not one of my skills. I send a flicker of my magic and shudder at what it tells me. This is old. The tree is an ancient giant of a thing, twisted and crouched over its neighbors. The portal itself is nestled in between two roots as big around as Bowen’s biceps. They tunnel down on either side of a creek that’s barely a trickle of water.

I never would have found this on my own. There’s still no way to know for sure if this portal will take me to my realm or one just like it. “This isn’t going to drop me at the bottom of an ocean, is it?”

“No. The portals move regularly, but they’re all in a similar atmosphere to where we are now.”

Even if I end up back in my realm, I’ll likely be stranded in a strange country without money or a passport. My stuff is all on the Crimson Hag, which means I’m starting from scratch. I’ll have only the spells tattooed into my chest, which should be enough to get me home. If I’m not in my realm, there are other complications to consider, but I won’t know what I’m facing until I walk through.

I’ve been worse off. I don’t know why I’m hesitating now. This is what I wanted. I should be charging into that portal without looking back.

“Bowen …”

He turns to me and pulls me into his arms. “I won’t ask you to stay. I’m not that selfish.”

“You keep saying that and I’m going to start thinking you want me to stay.” My voice is hoarse and, holy fuck, what is this awful feeling in my chest? It’s like he’s reached a big hand through my rib cage and is squeezing my heart.

He kisses me lightly and then steps back. “Go, Evelyn. Learn to hide yourself from gods. Live a long and happy life. I sincerely hope I never see you again.”

This is what I wanted.

I take a breath, square my shoulders, and step toward the portal. Fuck, I’m a fool. It’s the only explanation for me turning back toward him. “Give me your hand.”

He doesn’t argue. He simply holds out his hand and watches as I nick my thumb and trigger one of my lesser-used spells. I press it against his palm. My magic flares violet for a moment and then sinks beneath his skin, forming into a glyph just like the one beneath my right collarbone.

I clear my throat. “If you ever change your mind about staying here, you don’t have to go to a strange realm where you don’t know anyone, even if it’s the one you think you were born in. You can come to this one. If you do, I’ll find you with that.” I point at his hand.

He shakes it out. “It tingles.”

“Yes, dear, it’s magic.” I grin, but the expression falls away. “I don’t care what you say. I hope I see you again. Don’t get killed for your ideals, Captain.”

“Keep running, little witch.” He swoops down and takes my mouth. The last kiss was a gentle goodbye. This one is filled with all the things we’d be fools to say to each other. Stay. Don’t go. Be with me.

It ends far too soon. My head is spinning as I take a step back and then another. “Goodbye.”

A rumble starts beneath my feet. I stop short and my gaze flies to Bowen, but he looks just as confused as I am. This isn’t his magic. “What—”

At my back, the portal swells with power. I barely have time to turn when Bowen sweeps me behind him. I peer around his broad shoulders to see the portal shift color, the shadows between the roots growing deeper and darker. Before, I could see through them to the forest beyond. Even as I watch, the shadows deepen until it’s pitch-black. And then they deepen further, giving the impression of space bending.

Someone’s coming through.

A slim form steps out and it’s like my brain blips. I’m seeing things. Surely I’m hallucinating this moment because there’s no way Lizzie just stepped through the portal dressed in athleisure and carrying a massive rifle across her back.

Reality snaps into place around me. This isn’t a hallucination because of a broken heart. This is happening. Which means we’re in serious danger. I grab Bowen’s shoulder. “Run.”

Her dark eyes snap to mine. “There you are.” She sounds so horrifically normal. “I thought I was going to have to hunt you down. This is simpler.” She swings the rifle around in a smooth, practiced motion, aims down the sight, and pulls the trigger.