5. Logan

5

Logan

" W hat are you doing?" I ask, slamming the car door.

Crew straightens out and I'm quickly reminded about how large he really is. He's dressed nicer than usual in a dark gray riding shirt and a black undershirt, the sun reflecting off the small silver chain around his thick neck and his grungy old work hat pulled down over his blonde hair.

"We've gotta go to Kingston," he says.

"Now I know you can't read real well but I got documents that say I can't leave town, grizzly bear." I flash a crooked, angry scowl at him.

"I cleared it with Cammy." He waves me off like it's as simple as that.

"It's not your brother I'm worried about, if my social worker knows I skipped town she'll report it to the courts and then—"

"I spoke to Angie this morning, she knows."

Of course the town golden boy called my social worker. I can't tell if I'm annoyed he did it preemptively knowing I'd argue it or if I'm just annoyed that he's friends with everyone. That warm, welcoming smile is no better than a Venus fly trap.

"Her daughters are coming up here for two free lessons next week. Now if you're done being the thorn in my side I need you to feed the horses before we leave. I need to talk to Ford about something before we get on the road."

"Crew!" I bark, stomping after him. "You can't just order me around, I can't go to Kingston!"

"Hah," he laughs, his massive shoulder shaking as he turns to face me. "Reading comprehension aside spitfire, I have documentation that says otherwise. You do as your told on my ranch, or—"

"I go to jail…" I roll my eyes. "That's a shitty card to keep playing, Cassidy."

"Stop forcing my hand then," he warns. "I don't wanna be stuck in a car with you anymore than you do but there's no one else that can come. So we're going to Kingston whether you like it or not."

"We'll be home tonight?" I ask, resisting the urge to swear at him.

"Yeah, who's got Ash?"

"Julie."

"Give her a call, let her know." He nods, wandering away toward the house.

Bode is talking to one of the ranch hands when I wander through with a bale, holding it against my hip as I stumble toward the last stable. Over the weeks of work I could feel myself getting stronger and I would be damned if I credited Crew for that.

"Put the guns away Shep!" Bode laughs, slapping the ranch hand on the back and jogging over to help me with the bale. He grumbles something before lifting it up and tossing it over the gate for me.

"Can't wait to get Tommy in front of one of these," I teased, flexing my newly formed biceps. His eyes go wide as he frowns at me. "That was a joke Bode," I try to smile but it quivers and fades.

"How are things progressing?" He asks as I work.

I didn't even have a straight answer for the question he was asking. On one hand I have Ash, Tommy is in the wind for the time being and the courts have been as kind as they can to me. But they're also quiet and my social worker seems to tiptoe around the subject of full custody anytime I bring it up.

"Slowly," I answer because it's all I have for him. "I managed to convince Nadia down at the court office to put Julie on as Ash's part time guardian. Like an Aunt. But it won't do much good if someone down there decides I should be in jail after all. "

I turn to where Crew speaks with Ford and inhale slowly, the majority of my life riding on whether or not he was willing to keep me on despite my attitude.

I'm frustrated and exhausted but that would be showing my weakness and there isn't time for that, not while I had fighting to do.

"Crew working you hard, then?"

"Harder than he has any right to, I'd say," I wipe my hands on my jeans. "How come none of y'all can go up to Kingston with him?"

A moment of confusion crosses Bode's face before he stumbles to find the right answer. "We got—" he starts to back away, "you know in the—" he tips his wide brimmed dark brown cowboy hat in my direction before spinning out of sight around the barn doors.

"Coward!" I yell after him.

"Who the hell are you screaming at now?" Crew appears behind me in the doorway, his shoulders nearly too big to fit inside.

"Bode Walker," I huff, crossing my arms over my chest and stomp back to grab more bales. "That was a quick meeting with Ford," I peer up at him. "Do you just grunt back and forth or is there actual talking involved?"

"Finish feeding the horses and get in the truck, Logan." Before I can argue he's gone again leaving me to sling oats and break up hay bales.

Nearly half an hour later all the work is done and I find him with his hat pulled down over his eyes in the front seat of the truck. I push up onto my tip toes and lean in through the open window, laying my hand on the horn.

"Fucking hell!" Crew jumps out of his seat, his hat flying off his head.

"Sorry, were you asleep?" I tuck my arms over my chest and stare at him.

"Woman," he growls, going to open his door but I kick it shut.

"Hope you had a good nap," I roll my eyes and walk around to the passenger side of the truck.

I strip from the flannel I had slipped into that morning and tie it around my waist, climbing into the passenger seat as Crew readjusts himself. I reach over to turn the radio on and am met with a scowl.

"Don't tell me you don't like music," I sigh.

"This is going to be a long drive if I have to listen to you complain the entire time, Logan," He quips, scanning the buttons he clearly never uses and pops the radio on. "Of course I listen to music."

Luckily the roads are quiet and the drive to Kingston is quick because sitting in a silent car with Crew Cassidy is quite possibly the most stress I had felt in a long time. Every time he grunts, or shifts in his seat, I feel like I'm expected to start a conversation. His hands stay gripped tightly to the wheel as he turns down a long side road that winds down into a small valley.

Horses run the fence line, playing and fighting in the sun. Crew stops the truck and, when the dust clears, he grabs his gloves and climbs down without a word to me. I'm starting to think he doesn't even need me here, he just wanted to keep an eye on me.

"Stay close," he warns as I follow behind with slow, lazy steps.

The holes in my old boots collect the sand and feel gritty against my socks but there wasn't money for new ones, there wasn't money for anything, so these would have to do.

The ranch here is smaller than Whiskey River; there's only one barn and the stables they do have look run down. There is a crowded pen with a dirty, older looking cowboy locked inside. His boots kick up the dirt in a circle as he keeps his eyes trained on his dancing partner. A massive, tan stallion with a sandy mane and dark eyes.

For some reason I feel drawn to it.

"That's a shame," I whisper as he comes to a pause at the fence, his hands wrapping around the top board he turns to look at me. "Saddling a horse that beautiful should be a crime."

"It's what he was bred to do."

"Doesn't mean it's right. He doesn't seem happy."

I shake my head and a few strands of hair fall around my face. The sun is hotter today than it should have been in the middle of September and I can feel the sweat dripping down my neck into the collar of my tank top. I wave my hand around my face trying to cool off and look over to catch Crew staring at me with his darkened hazel eyes.

"He'll learn to manage it," he finally responds.

"Why do you do it?" I ask him. His eyes follow back to the pen where the cowboy manages to settle the stallion enough to get a rope around his neck.

"Because we need cattle horses." The answer is short and lacks any sweetness.

"No, why do you do it for the program?"

"Horses are empathetic," he says, gaze still trained on the horse. "If a trainer isn't calm, the horse senses all of those emotions. The fear, the exhaustion, the anger," he turns to me. "We work with unbroken horses in the program because you have to learn how to control your own emotions before you can help someone else, Logan."

The cowboy takes his eyes off the stallion for a split second to nod at Crew and the horse takes the opening to charge him. "Whoa!" He calls out, putting his hands out in the air and stepping back in time with the horse. He doesn't yell loud enough to scare him but I flinch from the sound and Crew's eyes drift to me.

"That sounds like bullshit," I pin my shoulders back in response. I'm not some scared, untamed horse for Crew to fix and saddle. "Not everything can be fixed with force."

"You don't force a horse to do anything it doesn't wanna do," he groans. "Saddling an unbroken stallion is like that anger that burns through you. That saddle is everything and everyone you have to deal with, always on your back until you learn to manage it." He looks at me and swallows hard before fixing his hat down over his eyes.

"Are you comparing me to that horse?"

A tight laugh leaves his lips, "will it help?"

"No." I rest on the fence, looking over at him.

"Listen then." With a heavy sigh he turns his body so it's parallel to my shoulders. Eye to eye when he says, "it may take a week, it may take a month. But that anger won't get easier unless you deal with it."

"What if I can't?" I ask after a long pause.

The muscle in his jaw ticks before he answers again, "then you get hurt, or you hurt others."

"You mean Ash," I say, not missing the hint of bitterness in my own voice.

Crew stands tall again, almost glaring down at me while I refuse to break eye contact. "I mean anyone, but he's a damn good reason to consider what I said."

Before I can say anything he shifts around me, walking away towards the truck where another rancher is waiting for him. I watch as his smile returns to his face, shining brighter than the midday sun even under the brim of his hat. That small nagging part inside of me knows that he's right. Would I ever admit it to his face?

Absolutely fucking not.

But I also don't want to lose Ash or hurt him the way I have been.

"Shepard!" Crew's voice booms across the lot, "hurry up and get that horse loaded."

I shoot him a glare as the man working the stallion leads him to the gate. Crew watches as I work with the horse, leaning against the side of the trailer and bullshitting with the man from before. The longer he stands there watching me work while he chats away the more annoyed I get.

By the time the horse is settled in the back of the trailer, Crew is already waiting for me in the driver's seat. I'm fuming as I climb into the truck ignoring his relaxed form.

"Ready?" he asks.

"Yep."

He chuckles and turns the truck over, following the long driveway back up to the main road. "You plan on staying pissed off at me?"

"Did you even plan on helping?" I bite back.

"You didn't ask for help."

My gaze snaps to him so quickly, I feel a twinge of pain in my neck. "You aren't serious right now."

"Deadly." The corner of his mouth ticks upward and I know he's biting back that stupid smirk. "If you needed my help Logan, you would have asked for it." He shrugs knowing full well I wouldn't have.

"I really dislike you right now."

"What else is new?" He chuckles again.