2. Koa

Koa

I walked through the door and dropped onto the bench, covering my face with both my hands. The weight got heavier and heavier with every passing day. I felt like I was going to break.

There needed to be answers and there just weren't any. No matter where we looked, there weren't answers as to how ORKA and Silence were connected. Our best guess was that Silence had been planting ‘evidence' so we'd make the connection.

Had they been influencing us this entire time by making us waste our time hunting for how they're connected when our full attention should have been on Silence? Had that been their strategy?

But where had ORKA gotten the magic they had?

Again, our best guess still said Silence.

Personally, our running hypothesis was that ORKA was created by some salty humans who saw something scary, then decided to rid the world of what they couldn't understand. Silence saw and began using them as a distraction tool. If they weren't just annoying gnats but posed an actual threat, we had no choice but to split our attention between both ORKA and Silence .

It meant our forces were split and couldn't be an actual threat to either. Wrong, of course. We were still a threat.

But even if this hypothesis was right, why did Silence suddenly turn on ORKA and terminate them?

At first, we thought it was because they were ready to assume a full frontal attack. We were ready. It never came. It had been two years now, and it hadn't come.

It occurred to us that this was as much a mind game as it was strategy. We were getting tired. We were on edge and nerved up. Waiting for it to happen.

I was exhausted. I desperately needed a break.

Rubbing my face, I kicked my shoes off and got to my feet. After poking my head in every room, frustration made me growl. No one was home. I needed someone home now. I needed to not be Big because it was just too much. The only way I was ever able to escape the stress was to regress.

A glance at the clock told me it was early, so no one would likely be home for a couple hours. I was going to lose my mind if I had to wait two or more hours! Already I could feel my monster clawing in aggravation.

It was fine. I'd lock the doors to dissuade anyone from coming in unannounced, then sit with a coloring book. Yep, I'd be fine.

Before I went upstairs, I stopped in the kitchen and filled two sippy cups—one with water and one with juice. Then I grabbed snacks—fruit gummies and actual fruit because Daddy didn't like it when I just ate sugar. And I was a good boy so I grabbed a pre-sliced apple from the fridge.

With afternoon snacks in hand, I took the stairs two at a time until I was on the second landing. The room I shared with Calix had a corner dedicated to Little me. There was a small table, a bookcase filled with books, a toy box, and a short shelf with different toys on it. On top of the table were my coloring book and crayons from when I'd been coloring last night.

I set down my snacks and headed into the bathroom to shower. Showering was frequently a transition for me from Big to Little. A lot of the time, it felt like the stress of adulthood washed down the drain with the water as it cascaded over my body.

It was rapid today, it wasn't long before I opened my eyes and everything looked brighter. The burden that had been crushing me wasn't there. I turned off the water, reminding myself that Daddy wasn't happy when I forgot to turn it off last time. Then I carefully climbed out of the shower, so I didn't slip. Daddy also didn't like it when I got hurt because I was in a hurry.

I took a few minutes to dry off, but I wasn't good at drying thoroughly. Daddy always dried me off and dressed me. But I wanted to make Daddy proud of how much I listened, so maybe he wouldn't be upset because I was Little without him being home. Or one of my other dads. Not dads like Daddy. Just… dads.

No, not just.

Anyway. I flung the towel over the top of the shower and walked across the tile and hardwood floor, listening to my bare feet make slapping noises. It made me giggle. I pulled open a drawer and chose some superhero underwear. Then I opened another drawer, digging through it until I found the jammies I wanted.

I tried to shove that drawer closed, but the clothes got all bunched up. Pushing them back inside, I closed the drawer, poking in all the bits of fabric that were trying to tell on me for making a mess. As long as the drawer was closed, no one would see the mess!

I sat on the floor and slid my feet into my underwear, then climbed to my feet to pull them up. Sitting again, I laid my jammies out so I could secure the back flap with the snaps. My fingers felt too small for the snaps, and I had to use my weight to get them to close.

With jammies in hand, I sat back to examine the snaps, tugging gently to make sure they stayed closed. I was super proud of myself for doing them without help. Daddy would be proud of me, too.

Sitting back on my bum, I shoved one leg in until I could wiggle my toes in the footed part. That was the easy leg because it was completely closed in. The second leg wasn't quite so easy since the zipper started at the ankle.

Daddy always zipped it a little first, so I decided to try that. Then I carefully pushed my foot in and to the bottom where I could wiggle that foot, too. I sat grinning, rocking my feet toward each other and away again several times, just to see the footsies filled as they should be.

But the rest of dressing is always harder because I have to twist to reach it behind me. I tried my best to keep my feet in the bottom of my jammies as I stood and then pulled them up. It was tricky to keep my jammies in hand and try to wrestle both my arms into my sleeves, but after dancing around and almost tripping three times, I pulled them up over my shoulders.

"Ha!" I exclaimed. "I did it!"

But I wasn't done yet. The zipper I'd partially pulled up was now at my thigh. Pulling the fabric away from myself, I very slowly zipped it the rest of the way. A lot of times, I've caught my skin in it and that really hurt. I cried for a long time. Even Daddy's kisses didn't make it go away.

When the zipper reached just under my chin, I giggled madly and looked around my room for someone to be excited with. "I did it all by myself," I said.

No one responded because no one was home.

Sighing, I turned to my little table and sat in the small chair. Oh no. How am I going to get into the fruit snacks??

I chewed my lip for a minute before deciding maybe I'd try. Daddy gets upset with me when I use sharp things like scissors without someone there. He also didn't like it when I didn't ask for help. But there was no one here to ask for help.

When I failed with my fingers, I put it between my teeth. I didn't think I was going to get it. Frustration made my eyes water. But then it suddenly tore open, and gummies went flying all over the table and onto the floor. I dropped the plastic and dove after them, crawling around until I retrieved all the gummies from the floor.

I looked around, making sure no one saw me. I wasn't supposed to eat food off the floor. Not even within five seconds. Daddy said there was always far too much dirt on the floor. And germs. I didn't want to get sick!

But… there were just three. If I wiped them off carefully, it would be okay!

Making sure no one was watching me still, I carefully wiped them on my jammies and then lined up all the spilled gummies on top of the table in order of which colors tasted the yummiest. The darker colors were always my favorite.

First, I took a sip of my water. Then my juice. It was a longer sip of my juice because it tasted better. I chose a gummy snack and popped it into my mouth.

"Mmm," I said, wiggling in my chair and then opened my coloring book as I chewed. I picked up an apple slice to munch on as I chose my picture.

"Oh! It's Daddy," I said and giggled at the unicorn on my page. Except my Daddy looked scarier than that. Well, kind of. He was pretty with pastel colors, but boy was he terrifying. I thought maybe I'd color what Daddy should look like because he's so scary.

With the last bite of the apple slice, I chose a black crayon with sparkles in it. This was what I used to color his mane and tail. Daddy didn't really sparkle, but… his hair and coat were shiny, like the moon was always shining on it. Even in the daylight.

I picked another gummy, squeezed it between two fingers, and then popped it into my mouth, humming again.

As I carefully colored near the lines, there was a distant ringing in the house. My crayon paused as I listened. I was not supposed to answer phones, though, so I went back to coloring. I was getting better around lines, but not perfect. I tried to rub out the place where I accidentally went too far with the crayon.

The ringing came again. I chose another piece of apple, the biggest slice this time. Daddy liked it when I ate all my fruits, and apples were okay, but they were better with peanut butter.

Oh! I should get peanut butter.

Sitting up, I froze. More ringing. Daddy wouldn't be happy if I climbed on the counter for peanut butter. With a sigh, I settled back to continue to color and chewed my peanut butter-less apple piece. They were sweet, so it wasn't so bad.

When I had the unicorn's hair all sparkly black, I chose a regular black for the coat. It was too bad I didn't know how to draw skulls and things. Then I could really make it look like Daddy.

Another ringing. Was that the fourth or fifth time the phone has rang? Maybe someone should answer it. I was about to call for Daddy to tell him his phone was ringing, but then I remembered I was alone.

I chewed the inside of my lip and contemplated finding the phone. Would Daddy be upset if I answered it when I was home by myself? What if it was an emergency? Surely I should answer it then.

No. Good boys followed rules, and I was a very good boy. Even if I wasn't supposed to be alone. But I was being really good by sitting here with a healthy snack and coloring. I wasn't even doing anything dangerous. Just sitting here. Being good. Drinking my water.

Just so that was the truth, I picked up my water and took a long sip. I smacked my lips when I put it back on the table, proving I enjoyed my sip.

I was still coloring Daddy's unicorn picture when someone stepped into the room. I looked up to find Dada Javan. He sighed. "There you are."

Smiling, I held up a crayon. "Coloring," I told him .

He smiled and crossed the room. I loved when my dads sat with me at my table. Dada did right now and I grinned at him.

"Who helped you with your fruit snacks?" Dada asked.

"I did it myself!" I said proudly.

"Without a mess?"

Lying was bad and even saying there weren't any fruit snacks on the floor was a lie. That's what Daddy said.

Pouting, I shrugged. "Just three fell."

He picked up the wrapper. "I'm glad to see you didn't use scissors."

I shook my head. "Nope. I did it with my teeth." I flashed Dada a smile, showing him my teeth.

He laughed, ruffling my hair. "Daddy's going to love this picture."

"I don't know how to draw all the Daddy parts like his skulls and stuff. But I made him sparkle."

"It's beautiful. Look how good you are at staying in the lines now."

I covered up the little part that I messed up and smiled. "It's hard, but I'm trying."

"Such a good job."

For a minute, Dada watched me color. Then he covered my hand. "Look at me, baby." I picked my head up and looked into his eyes. He had pretty eyes. They were dark, just like the monster he was.

"I really need Big Koa for a minute."

My eyebrows knitted together. "Why? I'm being good."

He cupped the side of my face. "You're being so good, Koa. I'm so proud of you for being such a good boy. But I really need Big Koa right now. This is important and it's not something that can wait."

I nodded and closed my eyes, letting the weight of reality settle around me. Only, I couldn't make it come back entirely. More frustration made me feel like hitting something. Instead, I looked at Javan .

"I promise, when we're done, we'll come home and you can be Little all night."

"It's not my night to be Little," I muttered.

"My sweet, petulant teenager," Javan said.

I huffed.

He gripped my hair gently and tugged my face up. "You have a bad day?"

His words triggered more weight to settle on me and the Little faded away. "Yes. No, actually. Just… I'm tired."

Javan wrapped an arm around my shoulders and pulled me into his chest. I rested there for several minutes. "I'll tell you what. When we get back, you can be Little all night. Then tomorrow, we'll all take the day off and you stay Little all day, too. Puppy pancakes for breakfast. Then we'll go to the park and you can play with the other kids. We'll come home and you can take a bath while we make you lunch. Then we'll take a nap. We'll stay up and watch movies, have special dinner in front of the television. Okay?"

"I don't know if I can take a day off," I said, sighing. How badly I wanted what he just said!

"You can. You're the boss. You need to get better about delegating."

I huffed. "Is this what you needed me Big for? To admonish me for not delegating?"

Javan chuckled. "No, Koa." His arms tightened around me. "HP found our wife."

My breath caught.