10. Koa

Koa

I wasn't sure what the tipping point had been. Maybe there wasn't a trigger at all that pushed me that last millimeter, but I'd finally cracked. Sitting at my desk in my office, my monster roared up within me.

The absolute fear that filled me when thinking he was going to eat everyone had me on my feet and racing out of my office. People got out of my way, some diving in what might be comical ways under different circumstances. But I saw nothing. I didn't tell anyone where I was going or that I was leaving the building entirely. I just ran.

When I practically fell through the front door of my house, I nearly sobbed because no one was home. It didn't matter, though. I couldn't take the time to reason with myself. Not with my monster warring violently, pushing against my hold. I was hanging on by my fingers but maybe only three fingers now.

I was about to slip.

Dropping on the floor in the middle of the living room, I closed my eyes and let myself fall into Little space. It only helped a little. He still thrashed, but the issue now was I no longer had the capability to hold the leash.

Instead, I was plunged into darkness. The void of nothing. Filled with teeth and claws and an insatiable appetite.

"Want to color?" I asked, blinking into the nothingness.

The darkness of the void crept around inside me. Stinging my skin and burning my eyes, I swallowed my discomfort and fear. "We can build with blocks," I suggested.

A growl vibrated my chest. The darkness spread wider. My chest heaved as I tried to keep it close.

"Please, don't," I whispered. "It's really hard."

A louder growl. A promise that when we're full, the things that were hard wouldn't exist. The promise was so enticing, I swayed. The things would go away? All the things that made Big me so unhappy? So sick?

Before I could agree, a new presence stepped into the darkness and the beast's attention turned. I couldn't see anything, but I didn't need to. The monster that is the void jerked around to look at the intruder.

Who dared step into my darkness?

I peeked around him and my heart stopped. "No!" I exclaimed before he could lunge, gripping onto him tightly. "Don't! That's my… uh… mum?" Was I allowed to call her that? "She's Big's wife. Your wife. Or… do monsters have wifes?"

The monster's annoyance at me only slowed him down as he prowled his way toward Rue. What was she thinking coming in here? Where was Daddy?! Panic made my eyes fill with tears.

Rue turned and I knew the moment she could see me. There was confusion at first as she looked at me without recognition. I knew I looked differently in here. Here, being Little wasn't just a mental regression as it was outside of the darkness. It was an actuality.

But for some reason, I couldn't hear her thought stream. I only got impressions. Feelings. Which was why I felt her confusion so loudly at seeing me. Her heart raced a little, but… there wasn't fear. Not really.

"Hi," Rue said quietly as she crouched. My heart raced as she came face-to-face with the monster. He snarled, but Rue didn't react at all. "I brought you a stuffie. I know when I'm scared, I always want my stuffie."

I stared at the stuffed deer. My fingers itched to reach for it, but I was afraid if I let go of the monster, he'd eat Rue. Still, I really wanted to cuddle the stuffie. My chest heaved as I struggled between keeping her safe and taking the comfort item she was offering me.

"Please stay here," I begged the beast while I slipped from his back and slowly approached Rue. She offered me the stuffie and I took it, pulling it into my chest.

"I also brought a book. Want me to read to you?"

I nodded, looking at her with big eyes. How was she not scared right now? I was terrified.

Rue sat, crossing her legs under her. "Come here, baby. Come sit on my lap so you can see the pictures."

Swallowing, I glanced back at the beast. He loomed behind me, a dark mass within the darkness. Menacing. Growling. "Stay," I demanded.

I wasn't at all convinced he'd listen, but I wanted to listen to the story. I gingerly sat in Rue's lap and she brought the book around so I could see it.

There was a dog on the front. It was gray with black spots, floppy ears, and a really short tail. It was smiling.

"Hi," Rue read. "My name is Scoob. This is my home that my mom calls Oasis. Here at Oasis, there's always lots to do. There are pools to swim in and grass to run in. There are mountains to climb and lots of food to eat when we're hungry. And there are also lots of other animals to play with. I'm the only permanent resident. All the others come and go, but I'm here to stay and I get to show everyone around."

Rue's voice was quiet as she read. After some time, I leaned into her, relaxing and forgetting that the monster was ready to eat her. Instead, he curled around us, resting his head in our laps to look at the pictures, too .

She read slowly and we talked about the pictures along the way. Sometimes before she read what was on the page and sometimes after. I was careful not to be rude and interrupt when I wanted to talk about a picture. Daddy didn't like it when I was rude.

I was nearly asleep when I heard Daddy call for me. There was panic in his voice, which made me and my beast stand up—the monster's hackles raised as he became alert, making all the hair on my body stand on end.

Then he was there. With fear in his eyes as he looked at me, then there was relief. For a minute, he just stood there, staring down at us, his eyes moving between the three of us. I didn't know why he was scared, but it made me scared too.

Finally, Daddy crouched down and touched my face. Then my hair. "You're okay?"

I nodded.

He looked at Rue and I could see that panicky fear once more. "Rue," he said, voice strained. He cupped the back of her head and pressed his forehead to hers. "Do you have any idea what you just walked into?"

Rue looked at me and she shared a secret smile. "Koa was afraid, and I think it's a parent's responsibility to make sure he knows he's safe."

Daddy huffed. He dropped to his knees, bringing the two of us into his arms. After several minutes, he reached up a hand. I twisted in time to see my monster roll his eyes, but eventually he pressed his big head against my back and allowed Daddy to hug him, too.

"It's okay," Daddy whispered. "I can feel how wild you are, baby. I promise, I'll make everything okay."

My monster trusted Daddy more than anyone. Even more than me. In frustration, in starvation, he grumbled, but relaxed his entire weight on us. Rue made an ‘oof' sound that the monster liked. I swore, he was almost grinning. If monsters could grin .

"Think you can come out now? Or do you want to finish the story?" Daddy asked.

"Can we finish the story?" I asked.

"Definitely," Rue said.

We settled again with Daddy pulling me and Rue onto his lap. Then he gripped the scruff of my monster's neck and pulled him close. For a while longer, Rue read to us. Her voice was quiet and soothing, but we talked about every page and what happened there. How it made Scoob feel and the new puppy he was showing around Oasis.

When the story was over, I yawned and hugged my stuffie tightly. Rue rocked us slowly, her hand smoothing through my hair. I was almost asleep when I was jostled as Daddy picked me up. I knew the moment we left the darkness because the outside world stung my eyes, even through my eyelids.

I was laid down on my soft bed and wrapped up in blankets. Daddy kissed my forehead. "Sleep, my sweet, brave baby boy. I'm so proud of you. You're so, so strong."

He was wrong, but I didn't tell him that. Maybe he didn't know I ran out of work and my monster almost ate his wife. For right now, I wasn't going to tell him because I liked being his good boy.

Anxiety filled me when I woke up, thinking I was all alone. But then arms tightened around me, and my body relaxed. I woke up Big, which was usual for me. It was rare that I woke up Little, though that didn't mean I didn't immediately regress into Little.

"What's wrong, Koa?" Calix asked, his hand rubbing my shoulder. "You're not supposed to wake up more tense from a nap."

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

"Don't apologize. Just tell me what's wrong. "

"I don't even know why I lost it. I was looking at a report and then suddenly, everything in me just went haywire and I was so hungry. I'm sorry. I tried to get away."

"Sounds to me like you did just fine," Calix said. "Your secretary called after she took inventory of the office. Besides some furniture, a couple doors, and a wall, everything was fine. You didn't hurt anyone."

I winced. "Are you sure?"

"Positive. You left a very clear path to the house, but everyone who saw you said you avoided anything living. Including a rabbit who stupidly jumped in your path. Zen said your black mass jumped over the rabbit somewhat comically, hissed like a pissed off snake, and continued down the road like a Tasmanian devil."

"Rue came in," I said, my body tensing again. "Is she…?"

"She's perfectly fine," he promised, a smile in his voice. "Unwisely unafraid, but I'm glad she was there for you before I could get here."

"I'm sorry I didn't wait. I know I'm not supposed to?—"

Calix rolled us so he hovered over me, squishing my stuffie between our bodies. "We're going to modify our rules a bit for the time being," he said, pressing a kiss to my lips. "You're going to carry around a coloring book and some crayons, a stuffie, and a sippy cup in your bag. Any time you get overwhelmed, you'll lock yourself in wherever you feel safe, and have some Little time. That doesn't mean you can break rules, and I need you to at least text me as soon as you can when you feel it coming on, even if it waits until the end. I'm going to modify your rule about the phone, too. You only touch your phone when I'm not there and you see it's me, Bryn, Javan, or Rue calling you. You can also call one of us. Understand?"

"Yeah," I said, closing my eyes. "That makes me feel better."

"I still want your best attempt at finding an adult to stay with you when you're Little, but I understand sometimes circumstances don't allow that. "

"I understand."

"Good. And now for the part you're not going to like." I tensed at his words. "You're not going back to work for a while."

"Calix—" I argued, dread and anxiety making my chest tight.

He brushed my hair back from my face. "No arguing about this," he said. "Today was really, really close. Until you can prove that you can honestly manage your limits on your own again, I'm making these decisions going forward. You're staying home and someone will be here with you at all times. You will not use your phone or tablet or computer without supervision to make sure you're not working. Am I clear?"

I felt sick to my stomach. There was so much to do. So many answers left undone. I needed to keep pushing. To keep looking.

"You know, you and Rue harbor the same misplaced responsibilities on your shoulder. Just as it's not hers to right her parents' wrong, it's not yours to find all the answers."

"I know. But they've got to be there. I have to be missing something."

"Or they're really fucking careful and there's never anything on a local drive," Calix countered. "Maybe you haven't found anything on the known clouds because they're using their own and calling it something so mundane that it's hidden in plain sight. Maybe there's a facility somewhere we don't know about that is the only place holding all their electronic knowledge. Or maybe it's only ever communicated via word of mouth and smoke signals. Koa, there's nothing there. If there was, you'd have already found it. We both know that. Everyone knows that. Beating yourself up over it, driving yourself to the point where you have a monstrous mental breakdown—pun completely intended—isn't going to make something miraculously appear."

I rubbed my face, frustrated tears stinging my eyes. "I just… That's my part—finding shit in computers and electrical systems."

"Yes. When it's there to find. Baby, it's not there. You're not missing it because it's not there. "

It was hard for me to accept. Honestly, I'd come to that conclusion years ago, but I refused to believe it to be true. My reputation was that I could do or find anything. When it was literally life and death, the most important assignment in existence… I failed. There was nothing to find.

How could I accept that?

"I've already talked to your office," Calix continued. "You're on sabbatical until further notice. I will receive daily reports and if there's something they feel is urgent that only you can answer or you need to know, they will call me, and we'll take it from there. Otherwise, your only job is to be my good boy and my husband. Understand?"

"I feel sick over this," I muttered.

"I know you do. But if you can't accept that you have limits to the point where you nearly eat the compound, then you've reached a point where you're no longer capable of making decisions on how best to manage your mental welfare."

I winced, scowling. Not at Calix, but at myself. He was right. He'd have been right over a year ago. My job was always stressful. That came with the territory of running one of the most prestigious tech firms in the world, one that multiple governments relied on for support.

I'd been slowly sinking for… ages. Since I met Calix. Since before we met. It was my very first breakdown that kind of pushed us together and bypassed a slower forming relationship than we'd discussed at the time.

Because I've habitually displayed an inability to regulate my own mental needs and health.

"I'm sorry," I said, staring at this man still hovering over me. Watching me with nothing but love and concern in his face. He should be angry. He should be disappointed.

Instead, all I saw was his affection for me.

"I know, Koa. It's all going to be okay."

I truly hoped he was right. We promised each other a lifetime, and I wasn't ready for that lifetime to be over.