Chapter 33

Chapter

Thirty-Three

ANI

I think I fucked up. Actually, I know I fucked up.

Ever since I declared my love for Phoenix, he seems so distant. He’s reminding me of the brick wall of a man he was at the manor. I had felt that each brick was slowly being removed, but with three deadly words, I have rebuilt the impenetrable structure.

“The sea,” Phoenix says after my evening belting that he’s still doing even though we have been staying in the penthouse for two days now. “It’s a reminder of the power of the gods. Of Poseidon, the ruler of the seas.”

He turns to me, and I can see the intensity in his eyes. “Do you know the story of Poseidon?”

I shake my head, not sure where he’s going with this. He’s been so sullen lately I’m cautious and feel as if I’m walking on eggshells.

“Poseidon was a god among men,” Phoenix continues. “A ruler of the seas, and a master of the earth. He was feared and respected by all. But he was also a jealous god, and he would do anything to protect his power and his kingdom.”

My sense of unease grows as he speaks. It’s like he’s not just talking about a mythological god, but about himself.

“Poseidon would stop at nothing to protect what was his.” Phoenix’s voice is low and menacing. “And that’s what I’ll do, Ani. I’ll protect what’s mine, at any cost. ”

My heart races as he speaks. He’s not just talking about the sea, or about Poseidon. He’s talking about me.

“You should be carrying my baby by now,” he blurts. “It’s been a month since we started, and something tells me that you’re with my child.”

It’s as if ice cold water has been thrown on my quivering body. My heart freezes as my knees buckle, and I fall to the floor. I look up into Phoenix’s stunned face with wide eyes and shake my head in denial.

Baby.

I don’t want to think about having a baby.

His baby.

Every time I do, it makes me panic. It’s too real. Too…

A baby will bring us back into reality.

With furrowed brow, he kneels down and takes my hand in his. “What’s wrong? Are you sick?” The concern on his face is foreign, and I take a moment to absorb a new element of the man I long to know more about.

“I’m not sick.” I can’t breathe normally, and my body grows clammy.

Phoenix wipes a loose strand of hair from my face and places his palm on my forehead. “What’s going on, Ani? Do you need a doctor?” He pulls my shivering body against his and cradles me.

“What happens then?” I ask in a whisper. “When I do have your baby?”

“Once you’re pregnant, I’ll start making plans to move you out of state to one of my properties to have you carry the baby with the best medical staff at your disposal.”

His words confuse me. Why would he want to leave Seattle? And if not staying in Seattle, why not Heathens Hollow? “Why would you have us leave the state? Where?”

“Just you for now,” he says.

“Wait. What?”

“You’ll raise the baby and be very well cared for. You won’t be trapped away in this penthouse or manor anymore. I’m sure you can’t wait to be able to truly be free and be out in the sunlight where you belong.”

His words aren’t making any sense. He’s been using words of possession when it comes to me. He says I’m his. He says forever . He hasn’t hidden his control over me in the slightest. Why would he even think of sending me away? “Why won’t I stay with you? ”

Phoenix surprises me when he kisses the top of my head and still holds me securely in his arms. “You paid your penance and then some.” He kisses my head again. “If you stay here, my family will swallow you up and spit you out. I won’t have that for you or for my baby. And if the secret ever gets out about what you, Apollo, and your sister did… I want you far away where you can’t be found.”

“I don’t understand.”

“This has been the plan all along. You paid for your crimes. You are giving me the baby. You’ve done more than enough.”

“So you want me to go into hiding? Where?” A deep wave of grief attacks every part of my being. I have no idea why. I should want to be free from the penthouse, the manor, and free from my constant punishments. Once I have the baby, I would have paid for my lies, my sister’s lies, and what we did, and this all can stop.

“I’ll make sure your housing and financial needs are always met. No baby of mine will ever be without or ever be in danger. Luxury and comfort will be yours. I will take part in raising our child, of course.” Even though he says the last part, there is something in the way he says the words that seem… uncomfortable. As if he doesn’t know what being part of raising a child really entails.

“But what if I don’t want that?” I say as I tilt my head so I can look up at him.

“Don’t want what?” His eyes darken. “Would you rather go to jail? You don’t exactly have a lot of options here, Ani. I hope you aren’t stupid enough to think you can fuck with?—”

“What if I don’t want to leave here?” I swallow hard. “To leave you.”

Phoenix recoils as if I have just slapped his face. “What are you talking about? Of course you want to leave here.”

I shake my head. “No. I don’t.”

Phoenix shoots to his feet, and his concern is quickly replaced with fury. “Have you lost your mind? You are about to be free. No more captivity. No more punishments.”

“But also”—I sniff as the tears finally fall from my eyes—“no more you. At least not in the same way. Not the way I had grown accustomed to having you. And I don’t want that.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” he snaps. He shakes his head. “Of course you want to leave here. What person in their right mind would want to stay? ”

“Me. I want to stay. To stay here with you. I don’t want it to change. Baby or not.”

“Ani.”

“Is that so wrong?” I move myself into the kneeling position I know Phoenix likes me to assume. “I don’t want to leave you. You said I was a bad girl. You saw that in my soul the minute you laid your eyes on me, and you were right. I am bad. I have bad thoughts and bad needs. But with you, I feel like all the bad thoughts are realized and experienced. I feel safe with you and comforted in your hands, no matter how firm they are. You called me a pain slut, and maybe you’re correct in that as well. I do like it. I love it.”

“Your new submissive tendencies don’t need to be constantly explored. You don’t have to be here to know that sexual side of yourself.” He says the words between clenched teeth. “I can’t understand why you would want to stay here under these harsh elements that I created.”

“Is it so odd that I would want to stay with you all the time?” I ask.

“I’ll still be in your life,” he says. “You’ll have my baby, after all. I won’t go too long without checking in.”

“But not daily. Not often, right?”

“I can’t have you here. Living with me. Not forever.”

His words hurt. I don’t like reality. I don’t want reality.

“Why not? Why can’t you open yourself up to the idea of changing your life for… me and the baby?”

“That wasn’t the plan,” he says quickly.

“I know, but can’t we at least sit down and talk? About our future?”

Hope replaces the sadness in my heart. My idea seems like a good one and one that maybe Phoenix will consider.

“You have no idea what type of world I live in.” Phoenix goes over to the window and looks out, leaving me staring at his broad shoulders and strong posture that only makes me crave to be in his arms once again. “I’m here by choice. It’s what I do. Who I am. But this isn’t you. You belong beyond these walls.”

“But you aren’t asking me what I want?” I am being far more daring and bolder than I would have ever done before, but I have to fight. I have to do something. Phoenix will slip between my fingers if I don’t do everything I can to stay with him once the baby comes.

“I know what being a Godwin means,” he answers. “It isn’t safe for you or the baby to be caught in the web of this family. Yes, the baby will be born a Godwin, but he or she will be protected by me until they are strong enough to battle without my shield.”

“But don’t you think we’d be safer with you at all times?”

“That’s not part of the plan. Part of my life is that I always stick to the plan,” he says, still staring out the window.

“But can’t we alter it just a bit?” I counter. “There is so much I don’t know about you, but I do know that there is some sort of connection between us. There is something deep inside of us that deserves exploring. Yes, you awoke sexual desires I never knew before, but I know there is more than that. Tell me that I am wrong. Am I nothing more than just a woman who is paying her penance for lying to you? Have I misread you completely?”

“I don’t know you,” he says as he turns to face me. “Not beyond these walls.”

“You know more about me than anyone ever has before. The real me. You have stripped me naked from the inside out. You said I was yours. I am. I truly am.”

“This conversation is over. The sooner you wrap your head around what will be expected, the better.”

“No!” I scream. “I won’t. For your plan to work, you need me to agree. Once I’m not a prisoner, you won’t have full control, and you know it. So no, I won’t be cast off to raise the baby alone with occasional paternal visits. I won’t do it.”

I stand up and charge toward him. I am completely out of control, but the thought of being forced to leave him is far worse than the thought of staying and whatever discipline he will issue for my outburst.

“And I know something happened to you as a child,” I add. “I know something happened to your entire family to make you be this way. I found journals by your mother. I read them. I read about you and everything your family experienced. And I don’t judge you, Phoenix! I understand you. I feel you. Your black is my black. That abyss you swim in is the same murky waters I have. Don’t you see that? Don’t you see that there is more between us? I told you I loved you, and I fucking meant it!”

Phoenix meets my charge and takes hold of my shoulders to stop me. He then grabs my neck and squeezes. “Do you have a death wish? Have I taught you nothing? I told you to never mention my mother. And where are these fucking journals?”

“At the manor,” I squeak. This is my first lie to Phoenix since my penance began. I don’t know why I don’t tell them they are in the next room, but I’m not ready to let them go. Not yet. Maybe they will help me figure out a way to soothe this beast before me.

“Don’t ever try to understand my family. Never again.”

“Why are you not listening to me?” I demand with wild eyes and fury building inside.

He squeezes my neck some more. He applies just enough pressure with his fingertips to make breathing difficult and to show me he is the one in control. “Because this is who I am. I’m a monster, not a husband. Don’t try to picture me as a man that I’m not.”

“I don’t have to picture it. I feel it,” I say with strangled breath. “You said yourself. You may be a natural monster, but I am a natural prey.” His hold on my neck loosens. “I was just a poor girl from the Eastside of Heathens Hollow. No connection other than with my sister, and even that in the last few years was distant. I was in an awful relationship and lived a miserable existence. Until you, Phoenix. Until you set me aflame with the things you did to my body. I felt alive while here. I don’t want death. And that was exactly what my life was before you. Death. So please, Phoenix. Keep my soul alive. Don’t allow my soul to die. I want you to push past your boundaries and your thick walls.”

His hand on my neck moves, and he once again grabs a fistful of my hair. I hiss as the sting intensifies, but as I am about to beg for more, Phoenix brings his lips down upon mine. Passion erupts as he presses his tongue inside my mouth and dances it within. A kiss from my captor. His breath merges with mine as our bodies come together and our kiss intensifies.

“You don’t want this,” he says between his claiming of my mouth.

“I do.” I hold onto his shoulders, hoping to never let go. I hope desperately Phoenix will not force me to let go of the only thing—the only person—I want. I want this man and his attic.

Breaking the kiss but still holding me close, he says, “I’ll think about it. That’s all I can give you now.”

Fresh tears cloud my vision as I stare into his stern expression. Defeated, I shake my head as I look at my bare feet and whisper, “It’s not up to just you, Phoenix. I’ve done everything you have asked, but our future needs my input as well. I ask you to consider that. Consider me. Not the prisoner. But me. Me.”

Phoenix tilts my chin to make me look up at him and kisses me again softly but then nips at my lip. “I’ll think on it. That’s all I will say for now.”