18. Zak

Istare at Matt standing in my foyer, trying like hell to keep my eyes on his face instead of letting them have free rein to roam the length of his rock-hard body. Even in sweatpants and a t-shirt, he reeks of sex and sin and everything I've fantasized about since he crashed back into my life. His eyes pop against his tan and flushed face, his hair slicked back like he just stepped out of the shower.

Shower.

I'd love to be in the shower with him, feeling his slick skin slide against mine while he writhes against my cock, grinding his hips into me when I stroke his hard length…

Goddamn it, letting him up here was a fucking stupid idea.

But I'm so lost right now, I don't know which way to turn. My head is swimming with toxic thoughts that threaten to swallow me whole. They've been looping through my mind since that meeting with Jake and Marc, and nothing I do can stop them from bubbling up. Booze has no effect. Neither did a grueling workout. I can't clear my head. Any shred of peace is completely beyond my reach.

Then, I got the call from the front desk. And a sliver of calm made its way through all the noise. So, I told security to send Matt up. But seeing him here, now, looking like the sexy as fuck guy I fell in love with all those years ago… the one I've fallen for all over again… it makes me realize what an idiot I really am.

Because with Matt, that semblance of calm always precedes a horrific storm.

Without fucking fail.

So, it doesn't matter how good he looks, how tempting it'd be to strip him naked and dominate him physically.

The emotional destruction he inevitably causes isn't worth the pleasure.

"Don't tell me what I feel." My words are tight, tense, and laced with anger. "You don't know anything about me anymore. I'm not the same na?ve fucking moron I was back in college, okay? You said a lot of words back then, a lot of words I believed in. But when it came time for action, you bolted. And I don't need you in my face now, challenging me when you gave up on me. On us."

Shit. I didn't mean for those words to spew. Now, I sound like a scorned and jilted ex-lover. My fingers ball into tight fists. This man has the power to twist my brain and crush my heart like no other.

I want to smash his face in. Again.

"You need to talk to someone." Matt inches closer to me. "Let me help you."

I let out a sharp, disbelieving laugh. "You want to help me? Now? Are you delusional, Matt? Or just that desperate for redemption?"

A strand of hair falls forward over his eyes. He pushes it back, his eyebrows knitted together. "I saw the news. About you and your mom outside that restaurant. I know what the media are saying about you and it's not right."

I turn away and walk toward the bar. "Yeah, so what? Were you upset you couldn't be there to save me from myself again?"

"I think you have a lot going on right now and nobody to help you through it."

I twist to glare at him. "And you thought I'd want you to be that guy?"

He recoils like I just slapped him, and that pisses me off even more. Where does he get the goddamn nerve to walk in here with a psychological assessment of my mental state? Yeah, it's pretty much fucked, but doesn't he realize he's to blame for at least part of it?

"Look, I know we have a past, and I made a lot of mistakes back then." He averts his eyes. "So many fucking mistakes," he mutters, almost to himself. His gaze locks on the hardwood floor for a beat until something whips him back into the moment.

"We both did," I say with a cold edge to my voice. "My biggest one was trusting you. So, why the fuck would I take another chance on you now? Unless this is another publicity stunt Marc put you up to. Golden boy Matt to the rescue when the prick owner goes off the deep end and falls into a world of media-spun shit. Again. Because people are narrow-minded assholes."

"This isn't a publicity stunt. I'm here because I'm concerned about you."

"But you weren't concerned the other day when you let me fuck you and then told me to piss off."

A deep pink flush colors his cheeks even more. "That was an asshole thing to do. And I'm sorry. You aren't the only one having a rough time."

"Yeah, I'm sure it's hard being a rich and famous All-American NFL player with a hot, blonde actress on your arm, who clearly fucking adores you. What a fucking nightmare it is to be you."

I grit my teeth.

Again? Really?

I shouldn't care who he dates. I shouldn't care who he fucks!

But goddammit, I am a liar.

Because I do. so much more than I even thought. And that makes Matt more dangerous to me now than he ever was.

A shadow eclipses his face, his eyes narrowing, jaw so tight it could crack if he clenches any harder. "This is where I tell you that you don't know anything about me or my life."

We stand in the foyer, glaring at each other. Tiny sparks fire into the air, heating the cloud of desire that we both seem to be fighting against.

I hate that he's right, that I don't have anyone to talk to, that I keep people at arm's length because of my past. It's easier being perceived as a stuck-up dickhead than let anyone else in close enough to destroy whatever slice of my heart is left.

I wasn't only betrayed by Matt. I was betrayed by my teammates, guys I thought were my friends. I thought we were a unit. Like a fucking family. It hurt like hell when they edged me out and then sided with that dickhead Travers to conspire against me and push me out because I was gay. After my injury, I decided it wasn't worth keeping close relationships because they'd only feed people ammunition to use against me and hurt me again.

I'm better by myself. I know I won't let me down.

But on the flip side, because of choices I made, there's nobody a phone call away when I need to talk through the things polluting my mind.

"Other people have shit to deal with, too. It sucks about your dad, but you're not the only one who got dealt a crappy hand. Now you need to deal with it the best way you can. But I'm telling you that avoiding your responsibilities and flying off the handle when you feel like you're backed into a corner isn't going to do you any good." His fingers clench and unclench at his sides. "It'll just make things worse. You can't run away from them."

Rage slices through me. "Or, here's an idea, I could just throw someone under the bus to take the focus off me."

Matt's blue eyes flicker with alarm. "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

My pulse jumps into my throat and hammers hard. "Come on, Matt. You know exactly what I'm talking about. Right?" I seethe. "I need to steal a page out of your playbook, and then everything'll be just fine. It's all about screwing people over to get what you want. You're a fucking master at that. Teach me your ways, fuckhead."

"You're a real asshole. I came here to talk and?—"

"And what? Relieve some of your guilt?" I circle him like a predator eyeing his prey. "Screw that. You're preaching to the choir. Telling me I can't run away. You've got to be fucking kidding me."

His lips are so close to mine, I can taste them.

But a tiny part of me wants to bite them off and spit them out because of his fucking bullshit condescending advice.

"I didn't run away."

"Didn't you?" I snarl. "You ran from the truth and that makes you a goddamn hypocrite."

"Shut the fuck up." His voice is a low growl. He's teetering on the edge, and I so badly want to throw him over it. The muscles in his forearms tense as he balls up his fists.

I nod my head at his fists. "You're going to punch me? Because you know I'm right, and you can't stand to hear it?" Adrenaline floods my veins, my skin prickling under his heavy stare. "Good. Fucking do it. You're a goddamn liar and a poser. Pathetic." I almost choke on the words. They taste like shit on my tongue, and I wish with everything in me that they weren't true.

Because then we could be together.

My insides shudder and quake, heat coursing through my limbs. Matt reaches behind my head and grabs my hair.

Fuck me if my cock doesn't spring to life at the murderous glint in his harsh stare.

He drags my ear close to his lips, his breath scorching my skin. "You're right. I am all those things."

Blood rushes between my temples as he clamps down on my lobe with his teeth.

"Now punish me for every single one of them." His tongue slides over the outer shell of my ear. "And make it fucking hurt."