Chapter 30: Cora

Cora had developed a routine,the first step of which was always to wait until Foster fell asleep. This shouldn't have been difficult to do, as the man had a tendency to begin snoring before his head was fully nestled on the pillow. What was difficult was moving through her nightly routine with him, biding her time until the lights shut off, when all she wanted was to shove him on the bed and run.

The second step, of course, was to run.

Not actually run—because no one could pay Cora to do that—but her pace was always brisk when she slipped out of their suite. She would make her way through the halls and pause in front of specific cameras with purpose. A signal to her new lover.

Said lover took over the next step of the routine. The one where he snuck Cora outside to the scene of their greatest crime—her favorite crime.

Where they would sit on the stairs, stone digging into their backs, and they would talk and laugh and fuck and kiss until the morning. Where he'd say the filthiest things one second and so passionately describe his upcoming project in the next. He'd ask her for her advice on how to make this show a success while in the same breath risking it to be with her.

On these nights, she felt respected in a way she'd never quite experienced before. Valued. Perhaps even cherished. Yes, Carter was grumpier than most. Prone to anger and harshness but in a way that felt like flames against Cora's skin. He wasn't faking anything with her. He wasn't trying to sweet talk his way into her panties—he'd never said a sweet thing in his life. Yet, he also didn't hide when he was amazed by her. When he found her intelligent and wise and good.

What did it mean if the man who was impressed by nothing was impressed by her?

She might feel pressure to maintain his interest, pressure to continue falling over herself to impress him, if it wasn't for the fact she'd done nothing exerting to earn it in the first place.

God, the man practically combusted when all she'd done was call him "Baby."

And when the sun started rising and she'd spent herself on him, that was when they enacted the final steps of the routine. Where Carter would sneak her back into the manor and she'd slip back into her room. Where she'd lie in the bed next to Foster and allow herself one full hour of sleep before beginning her day in anticipation of doing it all over again.

Cora had been forced to skip her routine last night, what with the baby. Though, she did get approximately the same amount of uninterrupted sleep. Today, the fatigue felt deeper. When her eyelids drooped, it wasn't an invitation for delighted flashbacks. It was seeking something that had been taken from her rather than something she had purposefully forsaken.

And because of this fuzziness, Cora hadn't exactly known how to feel when Lainey revealed her and Foster's failure. One moment, there was heart-splitting fear that she was about to lose her time with Carter. Regret that she hadn't tried harder to stay so they would not lose each other, or at least not lose what they had.

Then, quieter, there was relief. A small voice whispering to her that maybe this was a good thing.

She'd been arguing with that voice all day.

But Cora was growing antsy, the longer she allowed the arguments to stay in her head. She wanted to get them out, to expel them upon someone who might understand. She wanted to feel like another person had an interest in whether she stayed or went.

So, when Willow went, she went, too.

Into the manor, past where Willow anxiously grilled Leith about what the boys had said. From the tortured set of Leith's face, Cora didn't blame her for worrying. It pulled at her, amplified that voice just the slightest bit more.

She kept going, up the stairs. To that control room where she'd confronted Carter that very first night. His arms were crossed. His feet wide as he stood sentinel over the monitors. His features were set into a scowl but this one wasn't any angrier than his usual. The purse of his lips reminded Cora more of a man trying to solve a puzzle.

He did not startle at the slam of the door and she knew he'd been watching her path to him. He only divested her of her microphone and walked her over to a darker corner of the room. She studied him as he warred with himself over what to say. If this didn't all work out the way she hoped, she'd miss the view. The long, aquiline nose and the strong jaw. The dark, deep-set eyes and the mouth that had devoured her ten times over.

"You're safe," he finally told her, at the same time she asked, "Was this your idea?"

Cora could tell by the flex in his jaw that it had been. And he confirmed it when he said, "If we stuck to the original rules, I wouldn't have a show."

"I guess this isn't quite going as planned."

It wasn't a lie, what she said, and she felt terrible that it wasn't. If things had gone according to Carter's plan, there would have been one-off eliminations and altered dynamics. There would have been skin and sex and fighting and making out and drunken transgressions. There would have been sappy little scenes of love declarations. All of the things that made a summertime reality dating competition attractive to viewers.

There would not have been…them.

Carter lifted a hand to Cora's face, sliding it over her jaw and tipping her head until their eyes were locked. "I wouldn't trade it."

She wouldn't, either. But she wasn't sure if that was what she wanted to hear from him right now.

She decided to ask him plainly. "Do you like sneaking around with me?"

"Baby…" he whispered. Her eyes closed, the words sending tingles through every nerve ending. "This week has been the happiest I've ever been."

The statement rang true for her, as well, but she found herself disappointed by his answer. Perhaps it was that he hadn't actually given her a yes or a no. Perhaps it was that he hadn't taken it as an opportunity to tell her that he was done sneaking around and that he wanted to be with her, publicly—no matter the backlash.

Or perhaps it was the structure of his admittance. That little breath he'd taken at the end that made her believe, down to her bones, that something else was about to follow. A contradiction. A but.

This week has been the happiest I've ever been…but a secret is all we can ever be.

This week has been the happiest I've ever been…but I've had my fill.

This week has been the happiest I've ever been…but this is goodbye.

A little breathless, she voiced what he didn't say. "But?"

"But what?"

She fought the urge to smooth the furrow that had formed between his brows. She kept her hands at her sides, fisted in the fabric of her cotton shorts. "What else were you going to say?"

He let go of her face and rested that hand on the juncture of her neck and shoulder. The tingles were still there but they'd been joined by a popping sort of static that had her on edge.

"What else do you want me to say?"

"I don't want you to say what I want you to say. I want you to tell me how you feel. If you like all the sneaking around."

His hand dropped but Cora was expecting it.

"I mean, I've enjoyed it but…" There it was. "We can't do it forever. That was never in the cards, right?"

Forever was never in the cards for Cora, it seemed.

And maybe she should have known better to think it was different now. Just because Carter made her feel different than men had in the past, that didn't mean he was different. He liked her now, for a fun time. For the thrill of breaking the rules.

She wasn't good for much else.

Well, she'd rather be good for nothing than only good for that.

Cora let go of her shorts, straightened her shoulders, and allowed a false calm to settle over her. "I'm going to volunteer to be the girl to go."

She didn't think she'd ever truly seen Carter panic. She'd thought she had, that night she'd found him sitting in front of the manor. But that didn't come close to terror in his eyes now. Did he think she was going to expose what they'd done? What would that do, really, other than throw another pile of dirt on top of the coffin?

If they were going to end things, they'd end it how they started—in secret.

She'd expected him to argue but it still caught her off guard when he just said, "You can't."

That was all he had?

Cora frowned. "If someone has to go anyway, I think it should?—"

"I don't want you to go," he interrupted.

"But do you really want me to stay? Do you want me to sit in this manor and know that I can't go any further with any of them?" Maybe he did. Maybe he got off on that kind of power. The knowledge that Cora was ruined for other men after what he'd done to her. In the moment, it had felt like he was doing those things with her but maybe she'd misunderstood. Startled by the thought of it, she added, "Or do you just not want to lose your plaything?"

The further she dove into her own fears, the more she grew incensed. How dare he steal her heart if he didn't want to keep it? It had been stolen before, of course. And usually thrown at her feet once the thief was finished.

Cora couldn't, for the life of her, imagine Carter ever giving it back.

His face pinched tighter with every word she spoke and her body grew hot with the emittance of his anger. "What are you talking about, Cora? I can live without the sex, if that's what you mean."

Somehow, that wasn't what she wanted to hear, either. However unrealistic, she wanted him to drop to his knees and admit that he couldn't live without her. Couldn't take another breath without the promise of her body, the promise of her.

She wanted him to shove her over the control panel and take her before she could protest—not that she would. She wanted someone to walk in on them and she wanted him to keep going, like some fucked up public announcement.

Was it selfish, though, to want that? The next phase of his career depended on this show's success. What right did she have to put that at risk over her own insecurities?

Yet, Cora also wasn't ashamed of what she wanted, at least not at the base of it. She didn't think it was wrong to want someone to want her, nor did she think it was wrong to refuse to compromise on that.

She was about to give him one more chance to give that to her when he spoke.

"It'll look bad."

"What?"

"If you walk," he explained. "It'll look bad. Like the environment isn't suitable. It might turn viewers off to the rest of the series. It might make the network think there isn't value in renewing for another." He sounded different to Cora and she wondered if it was just that he'd shut off his charm. "You…you signed a contract for the full five weeks, barring elimination. There will probably be a fine if you walk."

Was he…was he threatening her financially? Is that what this had come to?

That was shitty—she knew it was shitty. She knew that, in her regular life, if she'd been given a similar threat, there'd be no redeeming it. But Cora couldn't help but take in the wildness of Carter's gaze. The clench of his jaw and his fists at his sides. It wasn't anger or callousness that she found there, but panic.

She wouldn't read into it.

"Fine then," she bit out. "But don't expect me to fight for someone who doesn't want me."