30. CODY

CODY

“ I ordered you a water.” Joshua Logan sat in the booth with his hand wrapped around a half-drunk soda.

“Thanks.” I slid into the booth and our long legs bumped against each other beneath the yellowed table top. “And for meeting with me. I know you have a lot going on right now.”

He pulled his attention from one of the cute employees who wandered around behind the main counter. It was easier to forget how handsome he was when he was being an asshole on the pitching mound. With his sharp jaw, covered in a thick layer of scruff that brushed against the collar of his team sweater, and his dark hair tucked under a dark red Lorette’s hat that made it curl at his neck and behind his ears.

Josh smiled, but even curled at the corners it looked so serious, almost like it made him nauseous to do so.

“You don’t call me often, Cody, so when you do I know it’s important. You alright?” He asked me.

“Yeah, better than usual.”

Josh’s sable brown eyes rolled over me, quietly checking for signs. Any other person probably wouldn’t notice; he was sneakier than everyone else about it. But he still checked, and it still stung.

The waitress brought my water, and Josh waited for me to explain. He was never one to pry something out of me. In the last few months, I’d learned a lot about him. In the beginning, there was pushback from both sides. Neither of us thought him being my sponsor was a wise decision, but I trusted the chair of our group, and I had destroyed any chance of asking Ella. She was tangled into my recovery now. She was a victim of my carnage.

It was only later I found out that Josh had been sober for almost four years and we had more in common than either of us could have imagined. The problem was we had both decided it would be better for everyone if no one knew he was my sponsor. The rivalry between the teams was too high, and it had to stay that way. It made for good baseball. So we met every couple of weeks in a shitty restaurant on the other end of town, a mid-way point for us both.

“I need some advice.” I pushed the glass of water around nervously.

“Is this a short conversation or a long one because I’m starving,” Josh asked, nodding his head and calling over the waitress when I shrugged.

Once we had burgers, I told him everything that was going on, and he stared at me with the same distant look he always had. He stuffed a few more French fries into his mouth as I finished telling him about the Halloween party.

“Is she affecting your sobriety?” Josh asked, cleaning his hands and taking a sip of soda.

“No,” I said, without hesitation. It had been weeks since I even thought about drinking, months since I needed the drugs.

Josh nodded. “I get it man, it’s scary when all of a sudden your thoughts aren’t consumed by that next fix, and you think she’s got something to do with it?”

“If she leaves…”

“Which it sounds like she’s going to,” he finished. “I’ll tell you something my sponsor used to tell me: focusing on the past is a surefire way to walk yourself into the oncoming traffic that is the future.”

“I came for advice, not riddles, Logan.” I pushed my half-eaten plate of food away.

Josh pushed it back. “Finish, you weigh less than a feral kitten,” he grumbled before continuing his sentence.

“It just means that, when the time comes, she goes home. We deal with it then, together. As much as I hate to admit it, you’ve got a good circle of friends and family, Cael. You're already on a better track than most before your first year, but slip-ups happen. You shouldn’t weigh your recovery or your self-worth on a sexual relationship. Ever .”

“So you’re saying go for it?” I asked him.

“I’ve never met someone so dense,” he hissed. “I’m saying use your common sense, don’t let your judgment be clouded by anyone. How is your Dad in all of this?” He asked.

Dad had been a major topic during recovery.

He was a trigger point, meaning I had to talk about him, but it was a horrible feeling, even if I wasn’t necessarily blaming him for things. I still hated it.

When I didn’t answer, Josh sat forward and sighed.

“Have you talked to him about any of this?” He asked, and I watched him with a solemn expression as his eyes rolled back in his head. “Cael, come on, man!”

“Don’t give me that shit.” I shook my head, but if anyone was allowed to it was him; it was his main role in our relationship. He was there to call me on my shit, to help me manage it and work through it when it became too much and there wasn’t anyone else that understood.

“You have to talk to him,” he groaned, “especially right now. He was on your list.”

“At the bottom and only because you thought it was a good idea to put him on there,” I reminded him. I hated that list. It burned in my pocket every day, nipping at my skin and never letting me forget all of the names on it.

“If this girl is a part of your past, she’s a part of his. And I mean, if you’re going to screw around and fuck shit up again, he deserves a heads-up. It’s about forming a line of trust with him.”

“It’s annoying when you’re right,” I scoffed.

Josh smiled at me., “It’s the only reason I’m your sponsor, so I can see that stupid look on your face every time I am.” He stood from the table. “You’ll figure this out, just keep on that straight line. Thanks for lunch.”

“Aye, Logan!” I waved the bill at him.

“Go see your Dad, Cody,” he yelled, brushing me off as he left the restaurant.