29. CODY

CODY

“ Y ou’re more screwed than I thought.” Dean was still lying in my bed, his hands under his head. The sun pushed through the curtains and bathed his naked torso in warmth, highlighting the spots where Clementine’s nails had marked him the night before.

She hadn’t been so inclined to stay.

“Are you sure you’re not upset about last night?” I asked him, suddenly feeling too far away.

“It hasn’t been easy, Cael.” He looked up at me, and there was a pang of sadness that vibrated off of him. “But it was fun. I’m figuring things out about myself I didn’t really understand. But I don’t know,” he swallowed, “seeing her with you yesterday, seeing…” He stopped and sat up so we were at eye level. “You’ve been different. Happier. We’ve all noticed. You haven’t slipped, not once since she’s been here.”

“Don’t do that, don’t attach my recovery to her,” I said lazily, putting my hand out. “I understand what you're saying, but I’ve been working hard before she got here.”

“Yeah no, man, you have been. But she’s made it easier ,” Dean said quietly, “and Cael.” he scooted forward to take my face in his large hands, calloused from the bat. They scratch my skin in the best way as he lifts my chin to look at him. “It’s alright that she has.”

“Is it?” I narrowed my eyes at him because it didn’t feel alright. “I enjoy the game we're playing, it’s fun.”

“But?” Dean asked, reading me like a book as I paused. A few tufts of his sweet blond hair fall against his forehead, and it takes everything in me not to be soft with him.

My heart aches. I wish I could love him the way he deserves.

“Do you know why she won’t kiss me?”

She had kissed Dean because it meant nothing to her, because the kiss between them was nothing more than lustful attention. He shook his head.

“Because she’s leaving,” I said. My throat grew tight and the noose tightened with every thought I had about losing her again. “She’s not staying at Harbor once this piece is done, and our past doesn’t matter to her. She made that clear.”

“What does a kiss have to do with that? She spent the half night screaming your name…” Dean looked at me, so pretty and so confused.

“That was sex. ” I explained. “It was fun. A kiss, a real kiss is—” I dug deep for the right word. “Intimate,” I said. “It's a promise.”

“A promise to stay.”

“A promise to love each other.” I nodded. “It’s scary…”

“But you love her, right?” Dean asked, a shard of hurt flickered across his face.

I didn’t answer him. I couldn’t decide if I was upset or happy. The look on her face when I called her beautiful felt more like shards of glass embedding themselves in my heart and less like I had expected.

Clem had reacted like I’d slapped her.

But somewhere between losing her and finding her was this woman that I hadn’t expected. She was everything that I wanted and I lost control of myself in the moment thinking I could have her. She read me like a book. “Of course I do. I never stopped.” I looked at the bed between us, trying to collect my thoughts, when Dean shoved me hard. I tumbled backward, smacking my head on the hardwood and scrambling to my feet.

“What the fuck?” I chucked a nearby shoe at him, but he caught it with a grin.

“Go get the girl.” He made it seem so obvious, and his words chipped away at the reasoning I had not to. “Cael! You idiot,” he barked, making me jump. “If you love her the way I know you do, you’re making a fool of yourself standing here.”

“I can’t just go.”

“Holy shit, man.” Dean lifted to his knees, the sheets falling down around his thighs, and my mind wandered for a second. How easy it would be to sink back into bed with him, to forget everything and just be here.

“What do you need? A blessing? I love you. ” He said it so profoundly I felt it in my soul. “ I always have, but we’ve talked. I know that this doesn’t end how I want it to. It was never the end game, and I still have a lot to learn about myself. I can’t love you the way you need me to and I can’t ask you to love me in the dark. You shine too bright to be stuck in a closet with me.” There was pain lacing every word he spoke.

“Dean…" I shrunk in size as my heart broke.

"I'm okay," he said, "I'll be okay."

I shake my head. “I’m sorry,” I choked out.

“So what is it that you need,” He snapped, it broke into frustration.

“What if—”

“Not once in your life have you ever thought to pause and think something through. I’ve watched you jump off the bridge in town into the river in the middle of February on an impulsive thought. You’ve crashed more cars than anyone I know, you never back down from a fight and you literally run on nuclear waste as an energy source. Stop thinking about everything that can go wrong, and just go! ” He exclaimed, a storm brewing behind his eyes as his lips pressed into a thin line.

I moved toward him, cupping his face in my hands and dragging a long kiss from his lips, lingering on our past and promising him quietly that no matter what, I’d always love him. He tapped two soft fingers to my chest as our foreheads came together.

“Go,” he whispered, so softly that I could have imagined it. I turned to find shoes, but his fingers caught my wrist. “Get dressed first.” He looked over my naked body, laughing wildly as he rolled his eyes and fell back on the bed.

I wanted to pause to ask him if he was really okay with this, but I had a feeling that if I did, I’d never leave the room. The nerve he had instilled in me was already starting to fade, and I hadn’t even pulled on a clean shirt. My shoulder groaned as I slipped into my sleeve and over my head, but the pain was just a dull throbbing reminder of the mistakes I had made.

Taking the stairs two at a time, I slid down the hallway, praying that she was in her room, but found it empty. “Fuck.” I slammed her door shut and moved through the house, checking all the spaces she was normally in.

Ella was sitting on the counter, her hair in a messy bun and eyes glazed over with a wicked hangover when I busted into the kitchen.

“Hey, tornado.” She laughed when I nearly knocked over a pile of crap on the island.

“Have you seen Clem?” I stopped, catching myself before running into the door.

“I think she was going down to the stadium to interview a few of the staff and your Dad.” Ella brought her coffee cup to her lips. “Do you want some coffee?”

No , I wanted Clementine.

“Maybe later, Peach.” I tapped my chest.

“Not so fast.” Ella’s head fell to the side as she looked over at me. The mistake was in calling her Peach. It was too serious. She knew something was up.

“Not drunk, not high, just…”

“Abnormally flustered.” Her bright smile pulled me from the dizzy thoughts swirling around in my head. “Cael,” she cooed, reading me like a book she had written herself. “Do you think storming up on her is going to win her over?”

I stopped then, looking at Ella, and ran my hand over my face and then through my hair just trying to dissipate the feeling of anxiety under my skin.

“You boys are so dense.” Ella shook her head as a breathing laugh fell from her. “Do you remember how scared I was when the Nest found out who I was and what I had done?”

I stared at her. Usually, I could place her thoughts and follow where she was going with a conversation, but I couldn’t, not this time. My heart was still racing, chasing after Clementine on its own as time stood still.

”Yeah, of course.” I scratched the back of my neck, watching her and waiting for her to tell me the point of her rehashing at an urgent time like this.

“Alright well… ”

“Please for the love of God, get to the point, Peachy.” I begged her.

“On a scale of one to ten, how big are your feelings right now?” She asked me, setting down the cup and wandering toward me. Her hands combed through my messy hair tenderly, a sister looking after her stupid little brother with cautious care in a way only Ella could.

“Eleven, twelve, maybe?” I mumbled and raised my eyebrows at her.

“I know how intense you can be about— everything ,” she paused, “but for Clementine’s sake, take a moment to think about how she feels. Or Cael…” Ella fiddled with her necklace, and I knew she wanted to say something that would upset me. “Are you sure you aren’t just substituting one drug for another?”

“That hurt.” I scowled at her and looked away because it hit hard.

I understood where she came from, the suspicion of trading in and trading out one substance for another. Loving Clementine felt like drugs. It burned bright and made me feel like I was looking at the world through a kaleidoscope.

“The truth usually does.” She pressed her lips into a thin line. “I’m not saying your feelings for her aren’t real. I wouldn’t. I just want you to consider hers before you blow up her life with a grand confession that you can’t take back.”

I raked my hands through my hair as my shoulders rolled forward and my gaze dropped to the floor. She wasn’t wrong. As much as I wanted to burn in the heat of Clementine’s love, it wasn’t fair of me to blow up her life like that. I had done that once already, even though it hadn’t been my fault, not entirely, but laying all of my feelings at her feet when the ground below us was shaky… It was selfish.

“Why do you always have to be so reasonable?”

“What are big sisters for?” Ella winked at me and straightened the hem of my t-shirt. “Start slow. Keep showing her how you feel at a pace that doesn’t feel like you're driving down the freeway.”

“I’m not even sure I have a slower speed.” I shrugged, a tiny laugh falling from my lips.

“Figure it out.” Ella slapped her hand against my face gently. “Don’t screw this up.”

“You sound like Arlo,” I groaned lightly and inhaled once before slapping my hands over her shoulders.

“I was just trying to give you the full mom-and-dad treatment. How did I do? Mean enough?” She smiled up at me, and I rolled my eyes.

“Not nearly enough swear words,” I laughed, “but close enough. If not full speed, what then?”

“Take her on a fucking date, Cael.” Ella laughed like it was the most obvious option.

“Perfect…right…” I nodded.

“And stop playing ‘poker for keeps’. That game is horrible.” She shook her head and went back to her coffee. “Take her somewhere that’ll mean something to the both of you, Cael.” She looked at me over her shoulder, her glare icy as she said, “also, take a damn shower. You smell like Dean .”

I leaned my nose into my shoulder and caught a good whiff of suntan lotion, which made my lips curl into a smile before I nodded. I needed a better plan than just ‘ go’ ; it needed to be bulletproof so she couldn’t possibly say no to me.

First, I needed to collect my thoughts. Dean and Ella had pulled every option tight from either side like a vicious tug-of-war. I needed the advice of someone who would tell me the truth even if I didn’t want to hear it.