33

Stella

I had always imagined raising my children in the lakehouse, the home where I had grown up, where Max and I had fallen in love, where our family truly became a family. It was also the only place I had ever known, the only place I could even really remember. So maybe my imagination just didn't stretch that far.

Whatever the case, my pregnancy and the birth of my daughter hadn't gone the way I had thought or hoped. Not even close. So I really wasn't bothered by the fact that our home would be different. All that mattered was that we had somewhere safe we could be together.

That meant that seeing our room decked out for me, Max, and Rafaella was a wonderful, overwhelming surprise. The floors throughout the house were a weird dirty gravel, but in our room, there was a rug that stretched to nearly all four corners. Our bed was soft and plush underneath quilts and pillows, and Fae had a sweet basinet hanging from the ceiling made from wood and macrame. Boden, Serg, and Remy had even managed to get a rocking chair, a few children's books, and a basket full of cloth diapers and baby blankets.

I cried the day we all came home. I had never been happier or felt more blessed.

But I didn't fully appreciate all the help that Jovie had been giving me. She helped Rafaella latch when the baby was fighting it, she knew how to burp her and soothe her when she cried, and most importantly, she knew when to worry and when the sound the baby made was normal.

I hadn't really slept since we had been home. I was sitting on the bed, exhausted with a sleeping infant in my arms, and I knew that I should sleep. All the books and Jovie told me to sleep when the baby slept, but skin-to-skin contact was so important with preterm babies. They needed it to regulate their temperatures and breathing.

My arms ached, my breasts hurt whenever anything brushed up against them, and my eyes were burning. But if I closed my eyes or passed Rafaella off to her dad, I just knew that something terrible would happen. It didn't matter how tired and off I felt. The only thing that truly mattered was keeping the baby safe.

Out of all the ways Jovie had helped, the one I had most overlooked was that I had not needed to be so vigilant when she was around. I could relax and let my guard down for minutes or even hours sometimes. Blissful moments where I could sleep or thinking of anything other than Fae.

Then I would feel so guilty for even wanting to think of anything other than her.

So I held my ten-day-old little girl, and I stared out the window while I wondered how I will handle the next ten days.

"Stella?" Boden asked, and I looked over to see him standing in the open doorway to my bedroom.

"What? What's wrong?" I asked.

"Nothing. I just saw you and thought you might want a break or some company."

I shook my head. "I'm fine. Fae is sleeping, and Max is outside washing the cloth diapers. We always need more clean diapers. "

"Yeah, that is true with babies." He came over and sat down on the bed beside me. "Why don't you let me hold Fae while you take a nap?"

"No, that's okay. You already do too much," I said, and that was very true.

Boden, Serg, and Remy made sure that I had food, clean clothes, and that I had everything I needed. Remy didn't really seem to know what to do with the baby, but she was always nearby. Mostly up in the loft with the lion, who also had no idea what to do with this tiny human who cried so often.

"Holding my niece is hardly doing too much," Boden insisted. "And you need your rest to be a good mom. You've got to take care of yourself, too."

I stared back out the window at the dark brown house next door, and when I blinked, tears spilled down my cheeks.

"I don't know how to be a mom," I admitted thickly. "I read the books, but I thought I would just instinctually know what to do. But the only thing I really know is that I hate letting her out of my arms. I don't even remember my mom, or anybody else's mom, for that matter."

"I don't remember my mom very well," Boden said quietly. "She died when I was in kindergarten. My dad remarried when I was a teenager, and I do remember my stepmom, and I remember helping her take care of my much younger half-sisters. I don't know what it means to be a mom, either, but I know how to help, and I know how to hold a baby."

"She needs skin-to-skin contact," I reminded him.

"Good thing I have skin." He started unbuttoning his shirt. "I won't force you to hand her over, but if you do, I promise I'll stay right here in the room with you, and I'll wake you up if she needs anything."

"Okay," I relented, mostly because I was too tired to fight it .

"Okay?" Boden asked, smiling hopefully.

I nodded, and he gently took her from me. He moved to the rocking chair in the corner of the room, holding her gingerly against his bare chest.

My heart was racing like there was a zombie in the room with us, but it was only the man who had raised me, caring for the baby that we all loved. I took a deep breath and laid down on my side so I could still watch them. I wasn't brave enough to close my eyes yet.

"What happened to your little sisters?" I asked.

He was quiet a moment before answering, "The same thing that happened to everyone's little sisters when the zombies came for them."

"Do you know any songs?" I asked, changing the subject away from something so sad. "I am running out of songs that I remember all the words to, and I don't want to keep singing the same ones over and over to the baby."

"Yeah, I probably know a few," he said. "Did you ever hear of a band called Nirvana?"

"I don't think so. Can you sing them now?

"Sure, I guess, but I don't know how good I'll be. I haven't sung in a long time."

"That's okay. I just want to hear something new," I said with a yawn.

He cleared his throat, and a shy baritone came out as he sang something he called "All Apologies." I tried to stay awake, because I did want to learn more lullabies, but I was drifting off by the chorus.

I wasn't asleep for long. It felt like a split second, truly, and then Boden was shaking me roughly awake.

"You have to feed the baby," he said in a commanding voice, like he was upset with me.

"Okay." I took my daughter from him, and she somehow got heavier while I slept, or maybe my arms were weak. "Are you sure she's hungry? She seems sound asleep."

"You're her mother. You have to make sure she has enough to eat." Boden turned and walked out, and he slammed the door shut behind him.

Fae and I were alone, so I tried to gently wake her. He was right. I had to make sure that she was fed, and I got her to latch easily.

I looked out the window, watching the little bit of the world I could see from my bedroom, and nursed my baby.

Suddenly, she clamped down, biting into my flesh.

"Ow!" I screamed and tried to pull her off, but she growled and sunk her teeth deeper.

It didn't make any sense. She was a newborn baby, without any teeth and hardly any strength. But she was latched onto my breast with the ferocity of a rabid zombie.

Blood soaked my cotton nightgown in red, and I screamed as I tried futilely to rip my baby off of me. But she refused to let go.

"Help!" I was screaming at the top of my lungs, but nobody came. I didn't want to hurt the baby, but she was consuming my flesh and blood.

The door to my room wouldn't budge, and I could hear the baby growling and chewing. I ran to the window, hoping to open it and run for help. But just on the other side of the glass was the same little boy I had seen in my nightmare before Fae was born. His brilliant emerald eyes and ashy green skin were unmistakable.

"Stella!" Max shouted, and all at once, I was back in my bed. He was kneeling beside me, trying to comfort me. "You were having a bad dream."

"Where's Rafaella?" I asked between ragged breaths.

"She's right here." Max leaned back, and I could see Boden in the rocking chair, holding the baby against his chest. I looked over to the window, still expecting to see the zombie child, but he was gone.

"Fae's just fine," Boden assured me. "You haven't even been asleep for that long if you want to keep resting."

"Will you stay with me?" I asked Max. I was tired, but the intense, vivid nightmare still clung to me like a cobweb.

"Of course." Max laid down beside me and wrapped an arm around my waist. "I'll stay with you for as long as you need."

I felt his arm, safe and strong around me, but I was hesitant to close my eyes. My chest still ached, and even with my eyes wide open, I could still feel the pain of the baby chewing on my flesh.