Jay

Chapter 51

Since he kissed me, I can't help but look at him differently. The way when he smiles, his eyes crease, and when he's unsure, he screws his nose up. The way those dark eyes penetrate into my soul and draw me in, but also how fucking hot he is. I mean, I always knew he was good-looking, but looking at him now, really looking at him, he could be a god damned poster child for enlisting to fight all the demons down in hell, and I'd sign up. I'd follow him down there, no questions asked. I'm in.

I'm just not sure where all these feelings have come from. I don't think I've ever thought, fuck, that guy's hot, I want to fuck him, or I want him to fuck me. Shit, I haven't really thought about the logistics, but when he kissed me, and his hand made its way inside my boxers, nothing had ever felt so right. I can feel my dick getting hard, and I try to think of anything else. I bite down on my lip and calm my breathing, but he's watching me with those eyes that see everything, and I know he knows I'm struggling.

"I'm good," I say.

He chuckles. "I didn't ask, Squirmy."

"Fuck off!" I laugh and throw a prawn cracker at him. He picks it up and scoops some of the food onto it, and shovels it into his mouth, winking at me, and fuck, when did that become sexy? When did everything he does go from just something he does to sexy as fuck? I could cum in my pants right now.

I glare at him, and he smirks. Fuck my life. I wipe my hand down my face and blow out a breath. That smirk would have me committing crimes, and I'd go down happily for them. I think I could go down for him. My mouth dries at the thought. Fuck, could I suck a dick? Would I suck a dick? Jesus, could I fuck or be fucked?

I flush and pull at the collar of my t-shirt. It's suddenly really hot in here, and all I can think about is dicks. Well, not all dicks, just his dick, and fuck… I think I need a cold shower and maybe a Xanax or five.

"Hey, breathe. Whatever you're thinking, stop, okay?"

"What?"

"Breathe, Jay."

I let out my breath and shake my head. "Just getting ahead of myself."

"Sex?"

I nod and take a deep breath, trying to calm my racing heart.

"We're just having food, okay? We've done this a thousand times before. It's no different. We don't have to do anything other than have food. We can draw the line and step back behind it. I will not jeopardise what we have, not for maybes, Jay. One day at a time, okay?"

"I think I want to, though," I whisper out. "I just don't know how to get there."

He reaches his hand across the table, squeezing mine. "Slowly, just really slowly, okay?"

I nod and smile at him. "What's your fortune cookie say?"

He rolls his eyes at me, and I snap mine open and smile. "Be ready for new beginnings."

He rolls his eyes and snaps his open. "You're looking at your future."

A seriousness falls over the table as we gaze at each other. I know they're cheesy bullshit, but right now, I kinda hope they're right.

After we've argued over who's paying, we head out to the car. We slide in, and I'm just about to ask if Ryder wants to come back to mine when he shocks me.

"Will you drop me back home?"

"Erm, yeah, sure." I feel all kinds of disappointed, and I wonder if he's changed his mind, if something didn't feel right or if he doesn't want to try."

"Stop overthinking." He grins. "I had a great time, and I just think taking it really slow is for the best. I don't want to come on too strong like I did the other night and freak you out."

I nod but can't help feeling upset. I'm not ready for the night to be over yet. I want more time with him. I need more time.

I turn off towards my place, and he turns in his chair. "Why are we going to yours?"

"I'm not done yet." I smile. "I'm not ready for you to go home. I want more time."

"Jay, we need to take this slow, okay?"

"Yeah, slow, but not backwards. If we went out for food, normally you would stay at mine, or I would stay at yours. I'm not sure how your mum and dad would feel about us sleeping in the same bed anymore, so mine was the safer option."

He shakes his head and sits back for the short drive home.

As we head inside, I head to the bathroom. I clean my teeth. I check my pits to make sure I don't stink, then I tug my jeans down and wash my cock and balls, because fuck knows what the etiquette is when it comes to these things. I step out of the bathroom.

"You okay? You were in there a while. Was your food okay?"

"I'm fine. I just needed to… freshen up." He chuckles and shakes his head. I walk over and sit beside him. And turn to look at him. "Do you think… do you want… would you…?"

"Jay, I love you, man, but maybe we should just call it a night. It"s getting weird, and I don't want things to get weird."

He stands to leave, and I walk him towards the door. As I open it, I turn straight into him and kiss him like my life depends on it. I push him against the wall and slide my tongue over his. He initially stiffens, but after a second, he relaxes into it, and I whisper against his lips. "Stay." I kiss him again. "Stay with me?"

He kisses me back and murmurs, "Okay," into my mouth as I nip down on his bottom lip. He groans, and I take that as an invitation to kiss him harder, push him harder, and I lean into him against the wall, sliding my tongue over his.

"Jay." He gasps out as I lean in closer. I have him pinned against the wall, and he's panting. His chest is rapidly rising and falling, and just the way he says my name, all breathy and shit, does things to me. I want to fuck him right now.

I kiss him harder. "Stay," I whisper into his mouth, and he closes his eyes for a second, taking a breath before opening them up and staring into my soul.

"Jay." He gasps. "There's no rush."

"I'm not rushing." I kiss him gentler this time. "I just don't want you to go yet. Please?"

He nods and sags a little against the wall. I slide my hands up to his cheeks and look into his eyes. I've known him a long time, and I can see how scared he is.

"I'm not him," I say with confidence. "I'm not keeping whatever this is a secret, Ryder." I took you out tonight, I've already told Mum, and you can guess how that conversation went."

"You told your mum?" He hangs his head. "What did she say?" he whispers.

"She asked me what took us so long?"

He huffs out a laugh and shakes his head. "She really said that?"

I nod. "Turns out the only one who didn't see it was me." I kiss him gently this time. "Yes, I'm confused and out of my depth, I wonder what the hell I'm doing, but not about you. I've always known I love you. I just didn't realise in what way before. Come to bed with me." I kiss him again. "Not for anything other than I want you there."

He smiles and kisses me back slowly but surely, and I know we can make this work. I know I want him. I just need to figure out how to get him. But the way he's looking at me now, I think I already know he's mine, and at this moment, I'm sure he's been mine since we were thirteen. I know if I want him; I just have to decide how soon I want him. I turn and walk towards the bedroom, reaching for his hand and tugging him along behind me.

I head into the bathroom and strip down, coming out in my boxers, and slide into bed. Ryder does the same and joins me, sliding down till we're facing each other. "I had a really good time tonight." He smiles.

I lean in and kiss him, pulling back. I nod. "Me too."

He rolls over to get comfy, and I sigh a little. I know he's trying to take it slow, but I'm wound up and almost frustrated, so I slide against his back and wrap my arm around him. "I'll be big spoon tonight," I whisper into his ear, sliding one hand under his neck and the other around his waist. I shuffle to get comfy, and he groans.

I smile into his shoulder and gently lay a kiss on it. He takes a deep breath, and I kiss his neck, and I grind into him a little, and he groans my name. "Jay, babe, please."

"Please stop or…?" I kiss his neck again just under his ear, and I nip down gently in the same spot, then run my tongue across it, nipping at his ear lobe.

"Jay, babe, you're making this really hard."

I slide my hand inside his boxers, and I can feel the solid length bulging inside them. I run my hand up and down his shaft and run my thumb over the tip. He bucks into my hand, and I smile.

"I certainly am." He groans but doesn't stop me. I grind into his arse and twist my hand up and down his dick. It feels so soft as I run my thumb over his slit. He's so wet, and I groan into his neck. "Fuck, you feel so good."

"Jay." He gasps, and I nip down on his neck, causing a fucking dirty groan to be ripped from him.

"You like it a little rougher, huh, beautiful?" I nip down again, and feeling his hard body against mine makes me feel almost feral.

I know I need to take it slow and ease in gentle, but I also know I'm gonna love not having to be gentle, I'm a big lad everywhere, and when I've been with women, they all seem to be petite things, and I have to hold back, be gentle, don't mark them, don't be too heavy-handed, but with him, god, I hope I won't have to be. I hope I get to be as feral as I feel right now. I want to rut and bite and slap, and fuck, if I don't want to pin him down by his throat. My eyes flash. What if he wants to pin me down?

"Fuck." I groan into his neck, and I grind against him. I bite down on my lip, trying not to cum in my pants, but I can't do anything. My spare hand is trapped under him, so I stroke it across his chest and down to his nipple, pinching it between my finger and thumb.

"Fuck, Jay," he gasps out as he bucks against me, and I grind into him harder.

"Fuck, Ryder, Jesus." My heart's pounding in my chest, and I'm sure he can feel it through his back, and I grip tighter on his nipple and his dick. I stroke faster till his breath hitches and his jaw clenches. I grind harder, his legs tense, and he stiffens in my hold. I pinch and twist his nipple till he screams out my name while he cums into my hand. I hold him against me while I rut into him and slowly stroke every drop out of him till I cum in my own boxers.

"Fucking hell," I mutter out.

The only sound in the room is the out-of-control breaths, ragged and spent, and as I nestle in and kiss his neck, I can only imagine how amazing the rest of it is going to be.