10. Alfie

Isat on my bed, propped against my headboard and talking to my brother on the phone. I'd thought about ringing him from the den but I didn't want Morgan to hear Blaze there in case he asked about it. I glanced almost compulsively out of the window, searching for Blaze.

I couldn't see him because I couldn't even see the woods from here and even if I could, I wouldn't have been able to spot Blaze. That was the whole point: that he was hidden and nobody would notice him. Even Glimmer hadn't found him yet, and while I was pleased, I was also surprised. I'd always worked on the assumption that Glimmer could track anybody inside the territory.

Turning my head back to my own room, I concentrated on what Morgan was saying. I couldn't look out my window for long or I'd end up sneaking out of my room and downstairs so I could slip over to the woods and be with Blaze.

Morgan said, "They shift into their dragon forms all the time."

"Really?" That was interesting. It was only really Glimmer who shifted at all in our clan, and we hardly ever saw him. "What do they look like?"

"They're… big."

"Uh huh."

"And grey."

"Do they look like us, other than being bigger and grey?"

"Yes."

Morgan wasn't telling me something. I might be the chatterbox of the two of us, but Morgan was normally more forthcoming than that. It was only when he went tense and worried that he started replying in monosyllables.

"Morgan, have they done something? Do I need to tell Lord Somerville? Are you hurt?"

"No! No, don't tell Father. I'm fine, Alfie. I promise."

"What about the curaidh when they shift?"

"They're… very solid."

"I—"

Actually, I had no reply to that. Solid? Of course they were solid. They existed. Feeling a little twist of anxiety inside me, I gripped my phone tighter and said, "That's good."

I was actually just thinking of something else to say, but Morgan asked, "Has Lord Somerville said anything about hiring you a tutor? To teach you to shift?"

My mood sank, and not just because I recognised Morgan's classic tactic of changing the conversation. There was something my brother was keeping from me.

I allowed it, since I wanted to talk about this anyway, and since I didn't want to make Morgan uncomfortable by prying. "No. No, he hasn't said anything. And you had your tutor for ages by the time you were my age. Do you think he's forgotten about me?"

"I doubt it, Alfie. Has anyone else tried to teach you?"

"No. They haven't mentioned it at all. Morgan? Do you think I can shift?"

"What? Of course you can shift. Why wouldn't you be able to?"

"Um," I said, and squirmed a bit. It was embarrassing to admit.

"Alfie?"

I heard the note of panic in Morgan's voice and felt guilty for putting it there. He was out there, alone, and he worried about all of us. He couldn't see our bonds the way I could, so he had no way of knowing that we were all alive and well just by bringing up the bonds to check them.

"I tried to shift," I admitted in a rush. "I remembered you saying that you reached down inside and felt your dragon there so I tried to do that. But there wasn't anything there. I couldn't feel it. I just felt… normal."

"Oh. What does your dragon say about that?"

"What do you mean?"

"Does it seem like it wants to come out?"

"I don't know. I can't feel it at all."

"Not at all? You can't feel it there now?"

"No."

"Oh."

Unsurprisingly, this little revelation did not help settle my nerves. Even Morgan – who would do anything to make me feel better – couldn't think of a way of spinning that so it was a positive. He'd assumed I could feel my dragon, and I couldn't even do that.

"How do you feel yours?" I asked.

"Well, it sort of… snorts inside me if it doesn't agree. Or it flexes and preens when it likes something. When I rode Lew—"

"What?" I screeched, and then slammed my hand over my mouth. I glanced around, listening, hoping nobody had heard that. I lowered my voice. "Do you mean you ride the curaidh's dragons?"

"No! That would be weird. I only rode Lew's dragon. Which was… not weird."

"What was it like?"

"I… liked it."

"That's how you know he felt all solid."

"Yes," mumbled Morgan.

I grinned. I'd known there was something there that Morgan was trying to hide. He was a master at deflecting, and if he didn't want to talk about something, he asked questions and distracted everyone. But this? I needed to know more about this.

I let my grin into my voice as I asked, "What did it feel like?"

"He's very big."

"And grey," I reminded him.

"Yes, but Lew's not a boring grey like the others. He's this deep, rich grey and it fades to a lighter colour on his belly."

There was something in his voice that I'd never heard before. It was a sort of admiration and longing.

I wanted to ask Morgan outright if he fancied his trainer, but I knew Morgan and I knew he wouldn't tell me anything until he was ready to do it. My brother needed a lot of time to process things, especially emotions.

Instead, I asked an almost-related question.

"Is this the instructor who's training you?"

"Yes."

"And he was in the Fife Army?"

"Yes."

Okay, that was all I needed to know. Morgan wasn't impressed by soldiers, and yet he'd breathed out that answer with enough pride and admiration for me to know beyond doubt that he thought this trainer guy was something special.

I reckoned Morgan had a crush. So I did what any great brother would do and I allowed him to change the subject and tell me all about the curaidh's customs, which was interesting but not quite as personal.

Morgan had always known he was gay.

I'd never thought I was into men at all. I'd thought about it, when Morgan came out to me, and I'd decided that I wasn't gay. I just didn't fancy men the way that he did.

On the other hand, I realised now that I'd never particularly fancied women, either. All genders were beautiful, but I had never wanted to be with any of them. Hadn't wanted to touch them.

Blaze, though, he was beautiful and… I wanted to touch him.

I squirmed where I sat, wishing I hadn't chosen to sit on my bed where I'd… dreamed of Blaze last night.

I wanted Blaze to touch me. When his fingers brushed against mine, my body went hot and something simmered inside me that I was completely unfamiliar with.

The thought of Blaze touching me down there made my dick so hard that I had to pull a cushion over my lap to cover it up in case anyone walked in and saw me.

Okay, so I wasn't gay, but I wasn't not gay, either. That was good to know. Now all I needed to do was find out if Blaze was not not-gay, too.

Because if he liked me the way I was starting to realise I liked him, we could- we could maybe go out? We could kiss. Possibly do other stuff, too, if he wanted to.

I really needed to stop thinking about that or I'd moan right out loud while on the phone to my brother and neither of us would ever get over that. I turned my attention forcibly onto Morgan and listened to his stories about life with the Hoskins clan.

Before, I'd been worried that he was alone, but the more he talked the more it became clear that he was starting to form bonds with the curaidh. He might not be able to see them but the way he spoke about them told me that, when I saw Morgan again, I'd see all of those bonds shining brightly.

Actually, the thought made me pleased. I pulled up my bond with Morgan and watched it shine with silver-blue strength, the same colour as Morgan's eyes, and laughed when he told me about the sea and about the big, tough warriors who were scared of their female cousin, and the two young children who tore through the castle screaming in a way I couldn't even imagine, since we'd certainly never been allowed to do that.

It was nice, to sit there and feel connected to Morgan again, even though we were apart. I couldn't wait to see him again when he came home.