Chapter 23

23

HAWK

W ell, that’ll do it. Go big or go home, I suppose.

As I stood there in front of her, as out of breath as if I’d just run a fucking marathon, I had no clue what my next move should be. I’d basically just spilled my heart out to her and my feelings were a tangled mess. My insides felt hollowed out and scratched raw.

Sutton was recently divorced and she had several very good reasons not to trust me. My past behavior wouldn’t exactly give her hope that we had a future together, but I’d changed. I didn’t even know when or how.

I just knew that I had.

Pulling her closer to me, I touched my forehead to hers and wiped her tears away with my thumbs. I looked as deeply into her eyes as I ever had. “I want to make this right, Sutton. I want you. Badly. I want you and I want better for both you and Winnie, and I want to be the one to give it to you.”

She blinked rapidly a few times, but at least there were no new tears streaming down her face. For possibly the first time in her life, however, Sutton was speechless. When she didn’t move to pull away from me, I lowered my head and slowly closed the distance between us.

I’d known this girl forever and I still wasn’t really sure what my next move should be, but I did know that there was only one way to get an answer out of her right now. If I tried to kiss her, she would either slap me or kiss me back, and since I needed to know, I brushed her hair behind her ears and brought my mouth to hers.

Moving slowly enough that she would be able to stop me, smack me, and then wrench herself out of my grip if she wanted to, I was kind of surprised when she still hadn’t moved by the time my mouth touched hers.

That first brush of my lips against hers was electric. It sent sparks through me and made my hands shake a little bit. I waited for a moment, my heart doing stuff hearts definitely shouldn’t do.

Our lips were touching, but it was so light that she easily could’ve turned her head or pulled away without any effort. Plus, they were touching but not moving. We weren’t actually kissing.

It was more just being caught in a moment where we could kiss.

My heart flipflopped again, thundering so hard that it felt like it might bruise my ribs. I held my hands on her face and kept looking into her eyes, breathing the same air as her and not daring to move so much as a muscle.

As we stood there, staring at each other, locked in a moment so intimate and so raw that I could barely hear myself think, I had never been more sure of anything in my life than I was about the way I felt about Sutton.

I’d known it since I’d been back. I just hadn’t wanted to admit it. But I was done fighting myself on it now. It had been a losing battle, trying to convince myself I didn’t need her. I needed her, alright. I always had.

My heart had belonged to her and only her since I’d been at least sixteen, but probably since long before then. I had never even tried with anyone else, but as I looked at her now, I suddenly knew that I had been hers all along.

Somewhere deep down inside, I’d been looking for Sutton in every other woman I’d ever been with, but I hadn’t found her, so I kept looking and looking. And sure, she was also the only woman who’d ever truly broken my heart, ripped it right out of my chest, tore it in half, and tossed it into a corner before she forgot about it, but I knew she never would’ve done it if I hadn’t done it to her first.

Sutton stared into my eyes like these same thoughts were racing through her mind right now, as if she was remembering the past, considering the present, and wondering if we had a future. “She really never meant anything to you?”

“Never,” I promised fiercely. “You’re the only woman who has.”

“What about the models, and the starlets, and the socialites?” she asked quietly, eyes searching mine. “You’re going back to LA, Hawk. What happens when you get there? We’re wrapped up in this little bubble of reuniting in Portsmouth, but?—”

“I don’t want the models, or the starlets, or the socialites, or anyone who isn’t you,” I said. “This isn’t just a bubble thing to me, Sutton. It’s not just about the excitement or the nostalgia of seeing you again or whatever else is going through your mind right now.”

I’d loved her back then, but I hadn’t been mature enough to be a man and see that my popularity meant nothing if I didn’t have her by my side. Just like now, my money and my career suddenly seemed meaningless if I lost her again.

“Maybe I’m too late to make amends,” I finally murmured, my lips still brushing against hers as I spoke. “Maybe I’ll never be able to earn your forgiveness or your trust, but I’m trying here, Sutton. I’m fighting for us. Can you do the same? Do you even want to?”

“Will you stay with me tonight?” she asked instead of responding to either of my questions. She slid her fingers between mine and squeezed. “I do want to try, Hawk. We’re just going to have to take it slow, alright?”

“Glaciers will move faster than us.” I took her back to her apartment, not worried in the slightest about what her dad was going to think this time.

I would deal with him later.

Tonight was about Sutton and me, and there would be no more hiding or sneaking around. From now on, I was doing this right. The way she’d always deserved to have me do it.

Keeping a firm grip on her arm, we walked to her house. I glanced at her, a smile ghosting across my lips. When her gaze came up to meet mine, I arched an eyebrow. “How slow are we talking? Am I sleeping on the couch slow, or…”

She laughed, tugged me to her, and tipped her head back at the bottom of her stairs. “You’re not sleeping on the couch. The physical stuff has never been our problem, has it? It’s more everything else.”

I placed my hands on her hips, looking into those gray eyes and knowing exactly what she was worried about. “I’m not going to leave here and forget about you, Sutt. It’s just never going to happen, but I realize that we need time for me to prove it to you.”

“Exactly. That’s what I meant by going slow. We’re not going to make any big, sweeping declarations or promises to each other and we’re not going to pretend that this will be easy. Essentially, we’re starting over, but we’ve both got our own baggage and the baggage we share.”

I brought my forehead down to hers, my nose tucked against the side of hers. “We’ll get through it, one thing at a time.”

“While we’re both also dealing with enormous issues in our own lives.” She let out a long exhale through her nostrils, then pushed away from me and winked before she raced up the stairs. “Which means we’d better make the best of the time we’ve got together, Brunson.”

Surprised by her sudden playfulness, I chased after her and locked the door behind myself. I found the living area empty as I spun around. My eyes narrowed, but a smile tugged at my lips as I stalked through the tiny apartment to her bedroom.

“Are we playing hide and seek now?” I called, chuckling and rubbing the back of my head. I peeked into her room, but when I saw her waiting for me on her bed, my heart skipped and my cock swelled.

She wasn’t fully naked yet, but she’d managed to shed her shoes, socks, and pants, and she was sitting with her back against her headboard, her legs crossed. She flashed me a coy smile. “I didn’t know I was supposed to hide, but I like the idea of you seeking me.”

“I’ve spent my entire fucking life seeking you, Sutton Ashbury.” I strode into her bedroom and stopped at the foot of her bed to pull my sweater over my head. “Now that I’ve found you, I’m never letting you go again.”

After taking off the long-sleeved T-shirt I’d had on underneath, I ran my gaze along her shapely calves and curvy thighs. I caught sight of that damn toe-ring again and I groaned. “It’s weird how sexy I find that thing.”

Surprise flashed in her eyes before she wiggled her toes. “Do you want to suck it or something?”

“Nope, but it definitely does something to me.” I undid my belt, staring right into her eyes, and flicked open the button of my jeans.

Her eyebrows lifted slightly. “Look at me helping you discover new kinks.”

“You are my kink, Sutt. You always have been.”

Eyes softening, she opened her arms for me and I crawled to her, sealing my lips over hers. Kicking off my shoes, I pulled her to me. I’d known since that very first kiss after we’d both gotten back here that Sutton felt like home to me, but as I held her now, my tongue sweeping into her mouth and her hands tightening on my shoulders, it felt like I was finally moving in.