Chapter 4

Jayden

I 've never wanted to kill anyone until now, but Lucy's answer explain so much. Her timidness, her desire to graduate early and get away from home. The way she pulled back from me, hid Liam from all of us, including me. It brings more meaning to the love on her face in every picture in here, in the way she is with Liam. Maybe if I'd been able to admit to her that I loved her three years ago things would have been different, even if we still accidentally made Liam. She'd have known how much I adored her—something I can't say is true of Jessa.

Yes, they were friends—best friends even, but Jessa was always more concerned about herself than anyone else, even in her friendships. If it were me, I never would have given up trying to get hold of Lucy. Unfortunately, she blocked me after that night at her house so I couldn't even text her how much I missed just seeing her pretty face.

"Did he hurt you?" I ask, guiding us over to the couch, pulling her down onto my lap despite her hesitation. "Physically, did he hurt you?" I already know he did emotionally, so there's no point in asking it.

"When I was younger," Lucy says, her head sliding onto my shoulder and I wrap my arms around her tighter, holding her closer. "If I made too much noise he'd come after me with this dead, angry look in his eyes. When he drank, he was even worse. If he so much as saw me, he'd be ready to attack. He had a belt in every room, within his reach at all times. I never dared ask anyone to come over. That's why I was always at your place with Jessa. I had one date during high school, my freshman year with Tommy Marsh. He insisted on picking me up since I didn't have my license, and when the doorbell rang…he was furious. When I got home that night, he saw Tommy kiss me on the cheek, and told me if I ever brought a boy to the house or acted like a whore with one, he'd see to it that no man ever looked at me again. That they'd have no reason to because I wouldn't be a functional woman when he was done with me. That he wouldn't have me act like my mother and open my legs to anyone and everyone that smiled my way. That's when I knew I had to get out of there as soon as I could," she adds and my heart breaks for everything she went through.

"That's why you were so scared that night," I say aloud, understanding hitting hard, recalling the way she pushed me out of the house, telling me to never come back there again. "It wasn't what we'd done, what we felt for each other, it was your father finding out about it that worried you. Hell, it's not even me you were really hiding Liam from, is it, baby? You didn't want your father to find out about him, for him to ever make Liam feel he wasn't wanted or like he was a ‘bastard' child, risk him coming after either of you learning you'd slept with someone."

"I…I don't know," she admits as I pull her face against my neck, and the tears there hurt. I know they're not because of me, but Lucy in pain makes me hurt.

"You never really saw how much I cared about you either, did you? Wouldn't let yourself see it," I add when she tenses slightly.

"I ignored boys entirely, focused on school instead. I knew if I worked my schedule right, took some of the online courses that were free with the school's deal with the junior college, I could graduate early and get away from him. I never drank or partied. Jessa knew that but she drug me to that one because she wanted to see Aidan or Tyler…I don't remember which now," Lucy says and I let her talk, wanting, needing her to open up to me.

Even if she didn't have Liam I'd need it because I still love her more than anything, and I don't care that I'm only nineteen now. There will never be anyone else for me beyond her. I drop a kiss to her forehead, just holding her, and my heart skips when her hand comes up to rest on my chest.

"She brought me something to drink, swearing it didn't have any alcohol in it, but that was clearly a lie. I asked her why she did it the next day and she said she knew I'd want to leave after ten minutes if she didn't mellow me out. She knew my father drank but I never told her how much he was drunk so she didn't think it was that big of a deal. I was angry with her and worried my father would somehow find out what I'd done. He was out at a bar the night you showed up at the house. I…I hated that I couldn't stop myself but the minute you kissed me, all I wanted was for you to never stop kissing me," she says, and my heart bursts with joy hearing it, knowing she felt the same.

"Until you ‘sobered up' so to say, and the fear of what your father would do if he found me there with you sent you running away from me," I offer, and she nods against my chest. "If you'd told me you were scared of him, I'd have taken you home with me right then and there, Luce. My parents would have been furious at what your father did to you, and probably upset that I'd caught you unguarded and had my way with you," I add pulling a soft laugh from her that I love.

"That'd probably have been the opposite you know," she states, and I pull back a bit until I can see her face, my brow lifted curiously. "I was older. I should have stopped it."

"In years you may have been older, baby, but emotionally, not so much. You'd never felt loved before, didn't know how stupid it can make you to have it wrapped around you," I state, holding her gaze as the questions slip through her sweet grey eyes. "I was crazy about you and even drunk, I couldn't just take what I wanted. I gave you just as much as I took, thank god, and it was so sweet, it made Liam."

"Jayden…"

"I loved you, in every way, Lucy. Then and now. I knew you were scared of what was between us, that you'd run from it, I just didn't know why at the time. Didn't understand why you stayed away until now. I couldn't let go of you, so I worked my ass off the rest of high school to get into the same college I knew you'd talked about wanting to attend most, and came here, not knowing if I'd really find you, but I couldn't give up. I told myself if I didn't find you myself, then next year, after I turned twenty and could get money out of the trust that our grandparents set up for us, I'd hired a private investigator and see if they could do it. Only, I went out to a restaurant with some of the guys from the dorms, and swore I saw you, but it was just a flash, and I couldn't be certain."

"You came back though, looking for me," Lucy says, lifting her gaze to mine the kindling of hope there enough to keep me going until she could return the words.

"How do you know that?"

"Gary asked if my ‘friend' found me when I stopped in to pick up lunch earlier," she answers me and my jaw tightens a bit. "His sister's ex was abusive to her and their kids. He's cautious, especially when someone comes in looking for one of us, and even more if anyone has kids. He's seen Liam before so when you were asking about me, he was certain that you were his dad. Since I don't talk about Liam or you at work, he wouldn't have given out any information. I was already on edge because I saw you too. It was right as I was getting off and I freaked out a bit. Been worrying over it since and last night, I cleaned the entire apartment, including the fridge so it's pretty much bare, which is why I ordered lunch."

"I was on my way to the restaurant to see if you were there, but found you here," I muse dropping a soft kiss onto her lips, not letting the fact that she didn't want to see me get to me. Before she told me the truth about her father it would have, but not now. She's been doing her best to keep herself and Liam safe. I could never be angry at her for doing that. "I went by Thursday evening, desperate for any answers as to where you might be, and the restaurant was the only place I'd had any luck it seemed. Your bartender friend wouldn't even confirm if you worked there or if he knew you, but a waitress or hostess saw the photo of you I had up on my phone and said you worked there. He ran her off and refused to tell me when you might work next, so I planned to go by as often as I could until I finally found you. My heart was racing when I saw you outside. It was such a relief to finally know you were okay, you were safe. Living in at least an apartment that was somewhat nice…with my baby."

"He's everything to me, Jayden. I won't let anything hurt him…"

"I will never hurt him or you, baby. Never Luce," I promise, cupping her cheek gently. "I love you. I always have and always will. It doesn't matter that we met when we were kids, I know what I feel for you and what I don't feel for other girls. I loved you completely and out of that came Liam. He's incredible and ours. There's no way I couldn't love him, baby. No way I could ever begin to hurt him. We may not have planned for him, but I'm glad you had him. That he could show you want it meant to be loved, to love so completely, because that's how I've always felt about you. I feel it for Liam too already, and I want to get to know him, spend as much time as I can with him so he can get to know me, and hopefully one day, love me as much as he loves you, baby."

"Swear?" she asks, and I nod, lowering my lips to hers, drawing it out soft and sweet, no matter how desperately I want her under me again. Today, tonight, needs to be about rebuilding our relationship from the ground up. As much as it might hurt not to relieve the immense desire rushing through me, it's what's best for Lucy and our son, and that has to be my priority now.

"I promise, I will never let anything hurt him or you. Mom and Dad will eventually get over their anger with me, but they'll be thrilled to know they have a grandson the moment we tell them."

"I…I'm not ready for that yet," Lucy says, her face paling a bit and I understand she's worried it'll get back to her father and what he might do.

"Okay, when you're ready, then we'll tell them," I agree, not about to get kicked out because I'd rather tell them now than wait. "Whatever you want, we'll do. I promise."

She relaxes into my hold, letting me just hold onto her as the afternoon passes by, and when Liam wakes, I get to spend the rest of the evening learning all about my son. Spoiling him and his mama with takeout from their favorite Chinese place. While learning they rarely ever do takeout anywhere other than the restaurant where Lucy works, because she gets a discount there and doesn't have to pay delivery fees or a tip to a driver. It shows me that I need to step up, especially so Lucy can cut back on her hours at the restaurant to have more time with Liam.