Chapter 3

Lucy

T he look on Jayden's face makes my stomach churn. Any thought of eating simply to have the sustenance completely vanishes and I lift Liam from the stroller when we're inside the apartment. I don't want him upset, don't want him to ever think he's not loved, wanted.

I settle him into his high chair then grab the takeout from the stroller's basket and move to the counter to make him a plate. He's an amazing eater, not really picky about things, other than breading on meat like me, so I usually order several sides to add to the grilled chicken tenders he loves.

I can feel the anger coming off Jayden as I fill Liam's plate with the sweet potato fries, green beans, broccoli, carrots, zucchini, and chicken. Then give him the fruit cup on the side with his little fork and spoon. A tiny bit of my worry fades seeing the look on Jayden's face as he watches Liam pick up a fry, eating it with a smile on his lips. The light in his eyes as he looks at Liam settles the worst of my fear that he'll resent his presence, because I know that look. It's the one in my eyes every photograph I've ever had taken of me and Liam.

After I fill Liam's cup with water, I have nothing to keep me from joining them, and my heart races as Jayden's head lifts, meeting my gaze.

"Were you ever going to tell me about him?" he asks me quietly, his tone even, which I'm thankful for because the last thing I want is Liam to deal with angry, resentful, loud voices.

"Not anytime soon," I admit, wrapping an arm around my middle knowing there's no point in trying to deny that he's Liam's father. The resemblance is far too striking to try and talk around it.

"Why? Why wouldn't you tell me I had a son—that we had a son?" he states, moving over in front of me and my heart races. Not from fear, but from need I've fooled myself wasn't real every day since he left my house. If Liam hadn't interrupted us in the elevator, there's no telling what might have happened.

"Jayden," I sigh, turning away from him to get myself together. This is not a discussion I ever anticipated having, especially not when Liam was this young.

"Dammit Lucy, stop walking away from me. You always do it, and I can't begin to tell you how much I hate it, hate that you won't admit what's always been here between us," he adds, and that pulls my attention back around to him in surprise.

"What's between us? We were drunk the first time and drunk on lust the second, there's nothing between us. You were my best friend's little brother, and I was an idiot that night…both nights," I correct pulling a dark sound from his throat, but it doesn't bother Liam at all. He's eating his lunch completely oblivious to the turmoil flowing through me.

" Don't ." The single word from Jayden sends a shiver through me and I take a step further away when he comes closer. I can't help it. It's instinctual, especially with an angry male coming at me. "Lucy," he sighs, stopping when I retreat once more, holding myself tight to stop the trembles that aren't from the desire he arouses within me from showing.

"You were still fifteen when I left, you couldn't even drive and I was going to college, Jayden. You were sixteen when he was born, still in high school, what kind of life would that have been for him…for you," I add making his brow lift in surprise. "If you knew, what would you have done? Gone to school during the week, fly a thousand miles on the weekends to see him, having no life whatsoever? You couldn't have played baseball and taken care of him if we split custody. Your parents would have ended up being responsible for him and that's not fair on them. They didn't ask for it any more than you did, so no…I wasn't about to tell you about him anytime soon."

"What about you?" Jayden says, headed my way, the darkness off his face letting me relax the tiniest bit of my rigid stance. "You didn't ask for a baby at seventeen, to have to care for someone else your first year of college, especially not all by yourself."

"I could have had an abortion," I state, shrugging my shoulders as I move back to check on Liam. I don't like to leave him alone while he's eating. He choked once on a grape someone at the daycare center had given him and seeing him at the hospital almost killed me. Thankfully there weren't any lasting effects, and he was too young to remember it, but it's always on my mind and there's no way I could live without my little boy and the love he gives me.

"No, you couldn't have," Jayden says, pulling my gaze around to him, the knowledge in his eyes a bit unnerving. "You won't even kill spiders and you hate them. You'd never be able to live with yourself if you had an abortion. That doesn't mean that you had to do it all by yourself though. So, maybe I'd have had to give up some things I enjoyed doing in order to help you with the baby, but dammit Luce, that's no excuse for not telling me. He's mine, same as you were."

"I wasn't yours," I sigh trying to turn away from him, but his arm snakes around my waist, pulling me back against his body and god, every part of me trembles with sudden, unstoppable desire. He's bigger and harder than the last time he held me, and my traitorous body wants to sink into every inch of him.

"Tell me again you weren't mine…aren't mine, baby," Jayden whispers into my ear, his hand trailing over my stomach, and I suck in as the little bolts of electricity hit when his hand touches the bare skin of my stomach. His hips press forward, showing me his body's response and every bit of me wants to indulge in this, in him, but it's madness. He's still too young…isn't he?

His fingers edge beneath the band of my jeans and I can't stop the shivers of anticipation that race through me as they keep tracing lower. Jayden's mouth opens over my neck, his tongue leaving a wet trail up it until he reaches my earlobe, his fingers cupping my mound over my underwear, and I want them gone. I want every little scrap of fabric between us burnt until his skin is the only thing touching mine.

"Mama," Liam calls, startling me entirely out of the trance Jayden put me in and I jerk out of his arms, heading towards my baby boy who has a piece of peach in his fingers offering it to me.

"All done?" I ask him with a breathless smile, teasing his fingers with little nibbles before taking the fruit from him. He's sticky from the fruit juice and there's a little trace of dirt from the playground on the rest of him despite washing his hands off.

"All done," Liam states and I pick him up, holding him close.

"How about a bath then we can take a nap?" I suggest, loving his grin at the word bath. He'd play in the water all day if I let him so at least it's not a struggle to get him clean.

"Do you need any help?" Jayden asks, surprising me at the offer because he's never been around kids. He was the youngest of all of his cousins even, so unless some of the older ones have had kids, there's no way he'd know how to give a child a bath.

"We're fine. We don't need anything from you, Jayden," I add, a lie because I want so much from him but it's not possible. I need to stop pretending it is and just get on with my life.

The dark look that crosses Jayden's face at my words has me tightening my hold on Liam, a hand going up to shield my little boy from any harm, while my feet take an automatic step away from him. It draws him up short, his brows furling, looking so much like Liam it hurts to see him upset or unsure about something.

"Luce…baby, I would never hurt you," he says, making my eyes widen a bit and I try to play it off.

"I don't know what you're talking about," I state, heading towards the tiny little hallway that houses the bedroom and the bathroom. It's a one-bedroom apartment so Liam sleeps in the same room with me. My twin size bed sits right next to his now toddler bed and it takes up nearly all of the bedroom. I don't know what we're going to do when he outgrows the toddler bed—hopefully I'll have a decent job by then and we can find somewhere else to live that has more space.

"Yes, you do, Luce," Jayden says, following us and I'm thankful for the plastic dresser in the bathroom that holds Liam's clothes, so I don't have to go to the bedroom to get them. "That's at least twice you've backed away from me in fear. You used to just run from what was happening between us. You were never actually afraid of me. What happened, baby? Did someone hurt you? Think that because you had a baby that they could have something you didn't want to give them?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," I return once more, focusing on Liam as I lift him into the tub, letting him splash while the water fills it.

"The hell you don't," Jayden whispered harshly next to my ear, and I couldn't stop my reaction to it, jerking away from him quickly, my heart racing with fear and not desire.

I slid my back up against the tub, staying in front of Liam who blessedly didn't find anything off about the strange man—because Jayden certainly wasn't a boy any longer—being in our apartment with us. He also didn't seem to sense the anger wafting off Jayden once more, but I did, and I hate my unguarded reaction to it.

"Lucy, baby," Jayden says with a sigh, sliding onto the floor with me. Coming right up to me as every ounce of anger fell away from his eyes, his posture, and his tone. "What happened? I know someone hurt you for you to react like this. You've known me pretty much our whole lives, you know I'd never hurt you, don't you?"

"I…logically yes," I admit, turning off the water. I don't let my eyes leave Liam as he splashes, letting him play until I can see he's starting to wilt. We do a quick wash of his hair and I teasingly scrub all the little spots that accumulates dirt somehow, making him laugh and I can't stop the smile that appears hearing my little boy so happy.

I never want him to have my childhood, which means telling Jayden the truth, and ensuring that if he's going to have anything to do with our boy, he has to feel the same. Has to do whatever necessary to ensure that Liam only ever feels loved and cherished, not that he's a burden or an accident that has to be put up with for the rest of his life.

Liam giggles while I dry him off, giving me hugs and snuggles as we put lotion on him then brush out his hair. He doesn't argue getting into his pjs even though it's only early afternoon. I don't intend to go anywhere else today and even if he gets his supper on them, they're easy enough to switch out. We also have more pjs than regular clothes, so it makes it easier to go between laundry days this way.

The entire time Liam was in the bath, Jayden sat near me, not saying a word, just watching, and my heart races a bit seeing the softness on his face when he looks at Liam. It's at least a start because I've never seen that expression on my father's face.

"Kisses, Mama," Liam says when I've tucked him into his bed, his favorite teddy bear in his arms and a smile hits deep at his request.

"Now you've done it," I tease him, pulling loud giggles from him as I kiss all over his little face. He squirms and kicks his feet, but his arm wraps around my neck to keep me from stopping. I don't stop until he can barely breathe through his laughter and drop a kiss onto each eyelid, giving him a last one on his forehead as he snuggles into the bed with a smile. "Sleep well, baby boy," I whisper to him, sliding off the end of the bed to pull down the curtain, darkening the space more before moving towards the door where Jayden's stood watching us.

He steps back letting me pass by him, and I pull the door to, making my way back into the living room, my heart racing as he looks over the photographs around the space. They're all of Liam, or me and Liam together, and I know it's probably a little excessive, but I never had anything like it at my home growing up.

"He's amazing," Jayden says, slowly making his way towards me. "You're amazing, Luce. I've never seen a happier little boy."

"That's all I've wanted for him since he was born." My eyes catch on the photos the sweet nurses at the hospital took of us for me. "I didn't know I could love anything so much until he was in my arms. Didn't know anyone could love me that much."

"And you were afraid that I wouldn't love him the same? That I'd resent him?" Jayden asks, turning my face back to him with a gentle touch. "Why? Who hurt you, baby? Was it before Liam was here?"

I can't stop the sigh that falls, my shoulders dropping as all of it comes back to me. The terror of my childhood, the reasons I avoid people, ran away from the things Jayden made me feel…it all comes back to the same person—my father. "I didn't want to risk him ever having to find out that he wasn't wanted, didn't want him to ever think he wasn't special enough to be loved by one of the two people that should love him most."

"Because that's how you felt, isn't it?" Jayden asks me softly, pulling me into his arms and a huge wave of need and want runs through me. "Your mother left when you were little and your father was never around…he wasn't even at your graduation," he adds finding my gaze and I nod. "Is he the one that scared you, makes you fear someone coming at you in anger?"

"He hated me. Told me every time he drank how much he wished he'd killed me when I was a baby, or made my mother get an abortion," I admit, and the rage that fills Jayden's face makes me shiver, but not in fear. The blazing fury in his eyes is distant, not directed at me, and it feels safe, making me want to indulge in his hold for hours.