Chapter 3

3

The house was no less cold the second time in than the first. Alison walked quickly, her footsteps echoing as if to reaffirm Bain’s parting words. Alison knew she should shake them from her memory, and yet they persisted, following her from one chamber to the next. She could not dispute them as much as she wanted to. Bain had known what to say to get to the truth that she tried to hide, and now she was left reeling with the knowledge that someone else outwardly saw her plight with Liam and was concerned about it. She had hoped to keep the thoughts that circled her mind as of late under wraps, never giving them wings in the light of day. But now they were out and multiplying until she wasn’t sure if they would ever be reeled back in again.

When she stepped foot into the back chamber, stumbling in with her bottom skirts twirling madly around her ankles, the last person she expected to run into was Liam. He was turned away, giving her a view of his back as he bent over to lace up his riding boots. In the three years since their wedding, even with the cloud of what had occurred that night hanging over them, Liam had filled into his body as a man in ways that had only been hinted at previously.

His back, while not as broad as Bain’s, was broad enough to catch Alison’s attention. His shoulders looked strong, and he was stocky in build that suggested hidden power in his hold. His legs were long and corded with lean muscle that Alison had only seen glimpses of beneath his kilt, and he had lost the baby fat from his cheeks, which were now framed by rough curls that almost seemed ablaze when the light caught it just right. The boy Liam had been was now the man he was, and it pained Alison to see the future she had planned laid out in such an untouchable package. She hated that her heart still pounded when she caught sight of him and that her breath caught when his steel gray eyes landed on her. It shouldn’t be allowed. His behavior toward her should have severed all of these feelings of want and desire, and yet they only seemed to grow by the day. It was maddening.

It wasn’t fair that he had forgone his duties to her, spending his charms on maids in their employ, and yet she still remained loyal to him. But Alison had been raised with honor, and she wasn’t sure she could forsake her own duties as easily as Liam. She still had hope, as fickle and brittle as it was. Perhaps she really was a fool.

Alison must have made some noise to alert him of her presence because before she had the chance to prepare herself, Liam turned toward her. For a split second, she thought she saw something in his gaze that made her hopeless heart lurch, but the emotion was soon gone as if it were never there, leaving the shell of a man she once had hoped to know.

“Alison.” His voice held no warmth, no inflection at all. It was as if he were saying her name like one would discuss taxes, even toned with a hint of disdain. It rankled her to be addressed so coolly when she had done nothing to deserve it. Bain’s words echoed even more loudly in her head as she quickly gathered herself. Showing care and weakness had been her strategy in the first few months of their marriage, when she still saw flickers of the vulnerable man who cursed the moon on that night. But it had done her no favors.

“Liam,” she replied, adopting the same tone. She glanced over at him, clenching her jaw at his attire that clearly spelled he was leaving for his evening ride. Those rides had become more frequent as of late, with Liam riding off as the sun set and returning in the wee hours of the morning smelling of salty air, women and ale. “Will you be joining me for dinner?” The question was another she had asked frequently then but less frequently now. Getting her hopes up was a good way to have them dashed like water on seaside cliffs, sharp and unforgiving.

Liam’s silence to her query was almost worse than if he had outright declined. It was as if he said she wasn’t even worth his words. It wasn’t the first time Alison had been faced with it, but now with Bain’s words ringing in her head and the knowledge of a child in this world that was not her own, it was too much. She had wanted so badly for a future that moved further and further out of reach with each passing day, and in the waning light of the day, she couldn’t take it.

“I’m surprised you have time to go out with yer duties to the clan. It seems you have been neglecting more than just yer duties to me.” It was a low blow perhaps, but at this point Alison had nothing left in her to hold her back. She was tired, so tired of trying to hold things together to save face with the clan. Her own family weren’t privy to the extent of her troubles, and she had done well to hide the reality of her situation from them. But they were not na?ve. She knew if things didn’t change for the better, they would soon find out if only due to the fact she had not produced a child. It was unusual for one of her kin to not be with child mere months after the wedding, and those who knew her well knew she longed for the family security that came with rearing the next generation.

Liam turned to face her fully, expression still aggravatingly blank. Anger she could have taken. Frustration even, but this unending blankness, like there was nothing going on behind his eyes, was something that stabbed at her. Without uttering a word, Liam slowly turned away, exiting the chamber without a backward glance in her direction. The sting of dismissal nearly had Alison doubled over, and it wasn’t until his footsteps faded away that she drew in a painful breath.

Rejection. The reality of it was swift and powerful, sending her crashing into her chamber before the maids could see her tears.

“Why?” She whispered to herself. Her eyes burned, and she covered her face to keep the salty tracks from covering her cheeks. The room was pleasantly warm with the fire, but instead of bringing comfort, she felt smothered. Like all the air was sucked out of the room, leaving her gasping for relief that never came.

She walked over, collapsing down to sit on her bed—a bed that should have been kept for a guest of the clan, not its Lady. Having her own chamber was almost an affront to her though she was glad it was down the hall from Liam’s and not directly across. She didn’t think she could bear to see the maids saunter out night after night, knowing that they got everything she couldn’t. A soft knock on the door drew her attention, and Alison quickly ran a hand over her face, wiping away tears before she called out.

“Aye?”

“We have yer dinner, my Lady.”

Dinner. Alone again in her chambers. The very thought had her wanting to throw the food out and refuse another bite of it. Instead, she allowed the maid in and invited her to stay. If she couldn’t take dinner with her husband, at least she could speak with others and discuss the day.

“Thank you,” Alison said with a soft smile when the plates were set down. She pulled up her chair before waving the maid into the other. “Please partake and enjoy yer fill. Tell me, is there any news on the wind to share? Any morsels of interest that might serve as good dinner discussions?”

The maid paused as if unsure whether she should speak before sitting down in the offered chair. “Aye, my Lady. There has been news about the Mayfield clan. It seems their Lady is with child again.”

Alison had to swallow hard at that news, given her own unfulfilled desires, but she didn’t want the maid to stop. With a renewed resolution to move past, she widened her smile, hoping it was genuine enough not to cause alarm. “Is that so? I’ve heard no announcements.”

The maid nodded. “She’s not had her courses in many months, my Lady. I think the last loss has made her wary. But I have it on good authority that the news should break any day now.”

With a nod, Alison took note of that. “We should send good wishes the moment the news breaks. The Mayfields have been good to us and deserve to be recognized as such.” Taking up her cup, she swallowed down the wine, letting it wet her tongue so she could continue. The more she spoke, the easier it was to ignore the ever-present sting of rejection that continued to linger even after the plates were swept from the table and the maid was saying her goodbyes. Alison thanked her for the company before preparing for sleep.

The day had been long, and while physically no task was too arduous, the war raging in her heart and mind was enough to leave her panting as if she had scaled cliffs and climbed mountains. Sliding into her bed had her sighing with relief at another day having passed. It was the only relief she got from each day spent. Sleep was a welcome escape from the reality of her life, and she fought hard to close her eyes without the thought of Liam in her mind. Now, though, other thoughts took hold as she recalled her conversation with Bain. It was hard not to clutch at those words—words she longed to hear from her husband, the man she had been so delighted to join with in union. How this sad present had been born from what was so much hope was anyone’s guess.

What would life have been like if she were with someone like Bain? He wasn’t as charismatic as Liam, but what he lacked in natural charm he seemed to work hard to make up for by caring a great deal for others. Alison couldn’t help but think about how nice it was to hear a comforting word and get confirmation that she wasn’t truly just a terrible wife. It had been so easy to let herself wonder if the problem truly did lie with herself. Perhaps she hadn’t been comforting enough while Liam grieved the loss of his parents, both taken due to a bout of madness that left everyone in the castle shaken at its brutality.

Alison still remembered the wretched screams that fell from Liam’s lips as she watched on. It had been one of the last times they had touched—her holding him as he shook with sobs. She had lent him her strength, holding tight and letting him lean on her. She had cried her own tears that night for Laird and Lady Anderson. Both had been so good to her, welcoming her to the clan as one would a true daughter and not one just added by matrimony. Having that washed away in one night had been a tragedy that still left scars for all who had borne witness. And for Alison, that was the beginning of the end of her desired future.

Now, she was left with nothing more than the crumbs of their union, trying not to imagine how different life could have been had that night ended differently. How different life could have been had anyone seen the signs of madness that would rob more than just two people of their lives. Bain had left her with words to ponder and fantasies of a life that could have been and yet may never come to be.